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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no?

520 replies

Tiggywinklespinny · 02/05/2014 17:47

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

OP posts:

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 10:37

Do you mean mud slung by birth mother?

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 10:39

Why does "step" involve a harsher response?

I dont understand.

Hullygully · 04/05/2014 10:41

I don't care who is what, hadn't even thought about that aspect.

She is shuttled between two places, in one she is ignored, in the other there are rules she won't obey.

Ergo she is clearly unhappy.

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/05/2014 10:42

Do you mean mud slung by birth mother?

No, mud slung on this thread.

In a normal family, not using cutlery, pretending to be full because too lazy to use cutlery and then not getting pudding due to being too full [after pretending to be full to avoid cutted up chicken]...would just be a normal thing. On here, because it's a step mum - she gets hell for it.

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 10:43

I had a granny that was a "step" granny, btw. Who was nice.
But maybe that is seen differently because she married my grandad, after granny died?

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/05/2014 10:47

I had a granny that was a "step" granny, btw. Who was nice.

Is it not nice then to teach your step kids things like manners and use of cutlery? Perhaps it would be best if step mothers just left the step kids to go feral?

Hullygully · 04/05/2014 10:54

Do ten year old children in "normal" (do you mean two heterosexual birth parents?) families refuse to eat a dinner they like because they are too lazy to cut up their chicken...?

Really?

I have never ever met one, but perhaps I have led a sheltered life.

In my world, when kids act out like that, there is a reason. Find the reason, address it, and the symptom stops.

Hullygully · 04/05/2014 10:55

Also, what seems normal to me, is that after the tantrum is over, and things have calmed down, one sits down calmly with the child and says, Wow, that was all a bit mad wasn't it? I don't think any of us enjoyed that or wanted it to happen? What do you think it was about?

And try and deal with what is behind it.

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 10:55

Have you misunderstood my posts?

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 10:56

my post is to Funky

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 10:57

Funky, are you saying that the op shouldnt get to the bottom of what is going on?

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 10:59

a normal family, not using cutlery, pretending to be full because too lazy to use cutlery and then not getting pudding due to being too full [after pretending to be full to avoid cutted up chicken]...would just be a normal thing

Actually, I dont think that it is.

And that is why the op posted?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 04/05/2014 11:38

The issues about having two homes/ sets of rules etc have not been raised because the op is a sm. but because the child is a DSD.
It is not mud slinging to suggest that a child might have more going on than just being a brat or a little madam and that the person bringing their story to aibu might want to consider the wider picture for her DSD.
Just because someone suggests the op might consider the DSD's wider motivations, does not mean that the Op is being held culpable for those issues.

roundtable · 04/05/2014 12:13

Well done Van for being a poster that is actually able to give a constructive criticism. By all means disagree with the op but do they need to be such harsh responses?

Some of the competitive laid back parenting is silly, especially when that's all they've come on this thread to say.

Time to reevaluate op. I can see why you reacted the way you did but the fact it carried onto the next day means it really wasn't effective.

I second doing cutting/cooking activities with her. Some quality one to one time where you can talk and move forward. It really does seem like there are some bigger issues here.

It sounds like you and dp need to talk too.

Good luck op.

roundtable · 04/05/2014 12:18

Hully, I agree with your last comment 100%.

Sorry on phone which is playing up otherwise I'd quote you!

UncleT · 04/05/2014 12:36

Tiggy YADNBU. Some of the reactions and assumptions here have been nothing short of ludicrous.

everlong · 04/05/2014 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DIYapprentice · 04/05/2014 13:20

People don't act angrily for no reason.

Maybe not, but lots of people act angrily for no GOOD reason

trufflesnout · 04/05/2014 13:39

Maybe not, but lots of people act angrily for no GOOD reason

Yes, true. And we still don't know if the DSD had good reason or not.

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 14:03

She's tired, she didn't get her own way and she's mightily pissed off that dh and I cannot be divided.

There may be the crux of the issue.

Good for you op in keeping a united front.
No, YANBU. If she wont eat food with a knife, give her food that doesnt need cutting. Soup springs to mind.
[or if she cant cut with a knife, definitely teach her pronto].

LtEveDallas · 04/05/2014 14:03

A normal family, not using cutlery, pretending to be full because too lazy to use cutlery and then not getting pudding due to being too full [after pretending to be full to avoid cutted up chicken]...would just be a normal thing

Well yes. It certainly is for us. As it was when DSD did it, and when I remember my (now in their 20's) nephews doing it too.

My nephews would say they were "too full" to eat their dinners, having only eaten meat and gravy and nothing else. But would then ask for pudding (which my mum would want to give but SIL would say no).

DSD once kicked off about eating chilli con carne (that she'd asked for) when she realised her Diada was having egg and chips.

And as I said before, DD went through a phase of acting up at the dinner table, but if I removed her food would say something like "I don't care, I didn't want it anyway"

It's just kids. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong. It's just something they can kick off about. I'm sure OP and her DSD are fine now.

rabbitrisen · 04/05/2014 14:05

Anyone else think that the op, was in essence, just venting?

LtEveDallas · 04/05/2014 14:11

Hold on a minute.

"People don't act angrily for no reason"

Sure they do. Kids do all the time. There is a thread on here regularly entitled something like "reasons for tantrums today" that is FULL of kids kicking off about the littlest of things. Isn't that where we got the "Cutted up pear" story and the "broken banana" story and the "I only wanted one biscuit" story.

Cripes. DDs best tantrum ever was over an unironed party dress. It went on for about 2 hours and culminated in a box of shoes being thrown out of a window (and I never did iron that dress).

Maybe I really am a shit parent

AllDirections · 04/05/2014 14:12

YANBU OP My very strong willed DD3 would behave like that. So did DD1 when she was younger but she turned into a very pleasant teenager. I don't accept my DC eating like that and DD3 might have behaved like your DSD initially or even worse she would have attacked the chicken viciously with her cutlery whilst glaring at me

Genuine question here Hully My DD3 absolutely refuses to talk about any tantrums/bad behaviour afterwards, which is usually as we walk to school because that's the best time to chat generally. Have you got any suggestions as to how I can get her to talk about it?

everlong · 04/05/2014 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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