To have said no?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

why dont you and her Dad try being nice to her whilst eating and see what happens.

They did if you read. Her DH asked her to use her knife and she said she was stuffed. Her parents understandably said she couldn't eat desert if she didn't eat her dinner, and she threw a tantrum. At 10 years old. A 10 year old is throwing a tantrum. They've obviously been nice to her if she's comfortable enough to act like this around them. If she was being abused or mistreated she'd be too afraid to act out like that and bring down their wrath.

But what should they do if they're nice and she still doesn't listen? Just let the behavior slide and let her walk all over them?

Sometimes kids just push boundaries because they're being kids and retesting the waters.

Even if she was a product of divorce, that's still not an excuse to act like that and it shouldn't be tolerated. I get cranky and irrational when I'm hungry, it's still not ok to go off on my husband and take it out on him.

It's perfectly ok to set and enforce boundaries.

It still doesn't make any sense.

She spends half the week with a mother apparently too occupied with a new boyfriend to pay proper attention, the other half with her dad and step family who set "clear boundaries"

You really can't see she might have some issues and difficulties?

This just goes round in circles. As numerous other posters have said-the technique isn't working. She won't use a knife.

Lots of posters have suggested other ways of dealing with it inorder to get her to use a knife. The OP doesn't seem to want any advice so I'm out. I hope the OP does consider some of the advice she's had though.

Is eating with cutlery a clear boundary? Or is it preparing her to actually be a normal civilized human being? Is being told to use her cutlery really a symptom of issues and difficulties?

Some people need some parenting classes if this thread is to be believed.

OP, if you had allowed her ice cream you'd have had a barrage of mnetters telling you that you're too soft. Sometimes you can't win on here.

I think what you have to do as a parent is draw a line as what is and what isn't acceptable. The OP and her DH aren't asking for anything extraordinarily exceptional or hard to do. Just to eat politely. If to some people that's not important, that's fine. I don't see this is an issue about whether or worrying about table manners is worth getting grumpy about. Different families have different priorities and standards. The same applies to children and discipline. Some respond well to some methods, and others don't.

It's unfortunate that the dsd has conflicting standards between her mum and dad. And of course the dsd is going to lean towards the ways of the more relaxed parent.

Perhaps this has nothing to do with the way OP or her DH are with but the fact that dsd's mum has a new boyfriend that she would rather be around than her own daughter? But no, it's more likely to be your fault OP

Is being told to use her cutlery really a symptom of issues and difficulties? No! But the DSD blowing up over it is. This whole thing did not have to be dragged out for over 12 hours which ended with the DD having icecream anyway - for breakfast.

Presumably OP hasn't asked her what was wrong or why the fuss over the chicken so essentially it's still ongoing - so DSD will still have enough angry fuel in her to blow up over the next little thing.

If she is your step child then you are not allowed to tell her off!

You really can't see she might have some issues and difficulties?

Every child acting up has a reason for it, be it testing the waters or acting out because they're upset. But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate that behavior. You can be more understanding of why it's happening, which might give you more patience when dealing with it. But you can't allow things like tantrums to happen in your house, regardless of the reason. There are more constructive ways to dealing with your emotions than slamming doors and shouting.

Right now it's an obvious power struggle. It's up to the parent to pick and choose where they refuse to budge. If she wants to go to this length to get the girl to use a knife properly on a Friday evening at home where no one is even watching, fine that's her choice as a parent to make.

Would I personally go to this length over a knife? No. I have no interest in butting heads over something so trivial. She'll shape up when she feels she's being watched in a restaurant or on a date when she's older. Frankly, I shove food right into my pie hole at home, and eat very daintily in public.

Funky this whole episode is about more than using cutlery.

It's the inability to see past the cutlery, which has caused this massive drama.

op. I think you have quite a big problem here. And if not now, sometime in the future.

You - because you dont seem interested in why she is doing what she is doing.
Your husband. You said "Dh is now placating dsd as he can't bear to see her upset". How often does he do that. A lot I suspect.
Your stepdaughter. Do you and your husband normally operate as a joint team? Or is your DSD allowed to manipulate her dad? Thus getting away with things that she shouldnt. And maybe she is trying to get in between you and your husband.
[and yes, some questions and guesses are may be going on to try and work things out]

These things are not said because your are a step parent. They are said because you are both parenting her.

Read the OP and wondered how on earth a relatively dull question had lead to a 200+ post thread

Then realised the question was being posted by a stepmum.

It all made sense.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Since it may be just you and me here riverboat1, and I dont fancy going to bed yet
I dont normally go on the stepparent board.
Is there normally some sort of story with them?
The OW story? Or am I missing something.

Though have to say that I am not sure I see that on here?

I find it odd on these sorts of threads it's always the "liberal" parents who seem most keen to browbeat the OP into submission. It makes me think they may not be quite as easygoing as they think they are.

OP, on the whole YANBU and I agree with LtEveDallas.

Also, I generally have massive issues with many sp threads, they often make my skin crawl, this isn't one of them.

always the "liberal" who seem most keen to browbeat the op into submission

rabbitrisen - "stepmother" threads can be a bit red-rag-to-a-bull sometimes.
Sometimes with good reason but not that often, IME.

OP - YANBU really, are you. Your DD has refused a simple request to use her cutlery properly, as she has been taught to, preferring to pretend to be full instead. She has then asked for ice cream, which, being as full as she said, would make no sense. So she's been denied it and then she had a full-on strop, stamped about, phoned her mum to tell her how "unfair" it all was, broken her door (did the glass actually break or just fall out?) and behaved like a stroppy pre-teen.

So obviously giving in to her and letting her have ice cream would be completely the wrong thing to do.

However - you and your DH need to sort out this whole "can't use a knife properly" situation. It IS ridiculous that she can't, at 10, if she has no special needs. So I suggest that between you both you find a way to help her learn to use a knife properly - helping you to chop and prepare veg might be one way, for e.g.

As for the whole emotional blackmail thing going on here - ignore it.

Well, I'm over 40 & I rarely use a knife. I just don't like doing it. So far, no ones ever said deny thing to me and I haven't been ostracised from society.

Agree with Gosh completely

Which ones are the liberal parents on here?

YANBU. She is being lazy by not using her knife, maybe she will make more effort next time.

The op thinks it is down to laziness.

I would do the tough love thing, and not give her food that needs cutting until she agrees to cut it herself.
[couldnt really understand from the thread whether the DD is being obstinate or is unable]
If she is being obstinate, the above should soon work.
If she is unable, then she needs to be taken to a GP.

Actually this reminds me of sulking.
My DH and I handled ours wrongly initially. We used to let them sulk for hours which went into days. We thought that they would succumb in the end but they did not.
Eventually we realised that we were handling it wrongly. And only let them have a minor sulk, before sorting the issue out between us all.

Funky this whole episode is about more than using cutlery. It's the inability to see past the cutlery, which has caused this massive drama.

Yes, I've been there and done that with a lazy step-daughter. As my first post mentions.

It's about a lack of parenting by the mother, and the slack is having to be taken up by the non-resident parents. And then having the mud slung at them for enforcing what in a 'together' family would be the norm.

Of course it's more than the cutlery. Those who are saying she is a baby, I disagree. I assume she will be starting secondary school in a few months? Either way, she's not a young child but acting like one. I do think that the words "step" always invoke a harsher response on MN which is unfair in this case given that OP and her husband parent equally with the DSD's mother.