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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no?

520 replies

Tiggywinklespinny · 02/05/2014 17:47

We have just had dinner, chicken veggies and baby new potatoes.

Dsd (10) can barely use a knife and was asked to cut her chicken not eat it off the fork in a great lump. Instead she said she didn't want it and left it. Too full she said.

She's now on meltdown because I've said no to ice-cream. AIBU??

OP posts:
Hullygully · 03/05/2014 16:05

Tiggy, I'm really interested to know why you think she did it?

Ratbagcatbag · 03/05/2014 16:05

I have a 15 yo dss, I've been part of his life for 11 years.
His table manners were poor, so we dealt with it by reminding him ad asking him to do it. In the event he'd have behaved like tiggys dsd then he'd have been treated the same (and if I recall has occasionally missed pudding too)
I've called dss behaviour brattish when it has been, a brat when he's being one and a whole rainbow of things more recently as he's had times he's been an awful teenager.
I love him dearly and last night we had a laugh and all snuggled down o watch tv together. All said love you at bed time and sent him off out with cash today to meet his gf. I don't think tiggy will have traumatised her dsd by being firm and putting boundaries in place. Sometimes it's definitely required.
Fwiw my dss was excellent at knowing what we were stricter about than his mums and vice versa. Again he's now a generally well balanced if not sodding hormonal teenager.

Yanbu

everlong · 03/05/2014 16:10

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Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 03/05/2014 16:10

VanGogh that's an idea I will try that with her, she does enjoy cooking with me.

The food cooked was the choice of dsd, if she doesn't like something she will say and she's not expected to eat it.

This was an AIBU because I said no to ice cream due to her behaviour, not am I shit step parent because I'm a step parent and therefore am always wrong and, because I've not pushed her out of my own vagina I have no clue and dsd MUST be craving attention and be neglected.

Some people really need to pick their judgy pants out of their backsides.

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 03/05/2014 16:10

Hully, in 20 minutes you've asked the same question 4-5 times, at least twice directly to Tiggy. I'm sure some has answered too. Maybe this thread isn't completely taking over Tiggy's Saturday afternoon unlike me and she'll answer you in her own good time.

In the meantime, I'm happy to offer my opinion as to why, not sure you'll like it though.

Atbeckandcall · 03/05/2014 16:10

X-posted with OP after all

everlong · 03/05/2014 16:11

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Hullygully · 03/05/2014 16:15

Atbeckandcall, yes, I have asked three times because she hasn't answered.

I'm interested in what she thinks, she hasn't said.

Atbeckandcall · 03/05/2014 16:20

Probably because it's a inconsequential question. Whatever answer the OP gives, it isn't going to satisfy you, you'll have more questions.

Is it really that hard to accept that some children do things/react in certain ways because their brains haven't matured enough to process everything in a rational manner. And is really that hard to swallow that as parents (be it step or otherwise) our judgement isn't always 100% correct. Crikey.

everlong · 03/05/2014 16:23

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OwlCapone · 03/05/2014 16:37

Is it also an inconsequential question to ask how she's meant to learn to use a knife if she isn't made to practice the skill by using one?

everlong · 03/05/2014 16:44

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sykadelic · 03/05/2014 17:00

Sometimes I just can't be arsed doing things. There's no reason I can verbalise, I just don't feel like it.

I assume it's the same with DSD but really the why is relevant. It doesn't matter what caused the tantrum (for the purposes of this post), what matters is the OP's question.

Maybe many of you took issue with her mentioning she was a DSD. Would you have preferred:

"My daughter is 10. She didn't eat all of her dinner (chicken that she loves and picked out herself) and claimed she was full. She immediately asked for ice-cream. I told her no and she threw a tantrum. Was I unreasonable to say no?"

Any sane person would realise the OP was perfectly rational to say no. If she's too full for dinner, she's too full for ice-cream and it can wait.

The daughter went off in a stop and yelled down from her room asking for ice-cream. When again told no she slammed (and broke) her door. She asked again in the morning and when told no, took it anyway.

I totally agree with the other posts that the daughter is probably not getting the direction she needs with her birth mother. Used to just doing things because she wants to, she's not dealing well with being told "no". This most definitely needs to be addressed but I'm sure the OP is quite aware of that.

rabbitrisen · 03/05/2014 17:02

Tiggy. I dont know you and cant say I have particularly noticed you on mumsnet.
But it does seem to me that you have a chip on your shoulder about being a step parent.
I dont think, as far as I know and can tell, that many people in here are that bothered whether she is you step daughter or daughter.
I am not sure that that has got much to do with the issue, or certainly not as far as most replies go.
But I do on the other hand think that you, for some reason are prickly about it. And defensive about it.

And fwiw, I do think that finding out why she is doing it is a perfectly sensible way to go.

And another fwiw. There is another rabbit on this thread[and prob she was a rabbit before I was a rabbit. Sorry]

sykadelic · 03/05/2014 17:05

Honestly the "why the tantrum" HAS been answered by the OP but not directly in the form of an answer, you can easily read it between the lines.

DSD's mother chooses to let DD do whatever she wants because she doesn't like dealing with the drama. Makes her life easier and she can spend time with her boyfriend. DSD now thinks she should be able to do whatever she wants when at OPs house (which is half the week) and is getting indignant at the rules imposed on her (and i don't think "use your manners" is a bad rule!).

At risk of being flamed - it's pretty obvious that the lack of structure at the mother's house has caused the OP to be independant in a manner that she always gets her way and doesn't like being told what to do (who does). The answer would be for the mother to step up and offer structure but she's not going to, so it would be better for DSD to "visit" her mother and live with the OP where she gets the direction she needs to grow into a decent teen rather than a brat.

sykadelic · 03/05/2014 17:05

*caused the OP's DSD

Original poster
Tiggywinklespinny · 03/05/2014 17:07

Sykadelic you've said it all, better than I could in fact!

OP posts:
YouDontDoHumanityDoYou · 03/05/2014 17:08

"So now she's naughty because she's neglected..poor dsd, I actually find some of these posts really bloody insulting."

I'm unsurprised tiggy. Call my opinion old fashioned if you like - oh, wait a minute, Hullygully did - but I'm ever more amazed at how often nowadays someone will come along and deem a naughty/boundary pushing/badly behaved child to be somehow hard done by and then claim that the child must be traumatised because they were told 'no' or told off for the behaviour.

sykadelic · 03/05/2014 17:09

rabbitrisen Did you RTFT? Obviously not because the OP was being judged for step-parent reasons. It's all through the responses of those claiming she was BU.

From the "She's just a visiting child" (when she's not) to "She hasn't known you long" type crap.

I wouldn't say the OP has a chip on her shoulder about being a SP at all and didn't read that from any of the OP's responses. I just saw her responding to incorrect accusations.

usualsuspectt · 03/05/2014 17:10

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everlong · 03/05/2014 17:13

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sykadelic · 03/05/2014 17:15

usualsuspectt there is no "better" but there IS such a thing as structure and all parent/step-parent's need to work together.

None of the "divide and conquer" stuff can go on between families. Consistent structure. This is not being provided by the birth mother right now. She has her own life and doesn't like dealing with the drama. That's an easy trap to fall into. It's often easier to just agree (as posters here have stated they do) rather than cause trouble. It's not always BEST though.

I knew people would take offense at the birth mother being "blamed" because of course a step-parent is NEVER right and birth mother's are practically perfect in every way... utter bullshit.

usualsuspectt · 03/05/2014 17:20

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rabbitrisen · 03/05/2014 17:33

From the "She's just a visiting child" (when she's not) to "She hasn't known you long" type crap.

Those are not judgements [judgements involve looking up to or down at someone], they are merely statements/guessed factuals.

BuzzardBird · 03/05/2014 18:00

I agree usual My DD could use cutlery from an early age but loves to eat with her hands Hmm. As long as she doesn't do it in a restaurant/at school or at a friend's I think I can let it slide most of the time. I would certainly never make it into a huge drama on MN with vile childish name calling.