AIBU to keep this from my Husband? and what would you do?

[waffilyversati1e]

OH and I have been together for 12 years. We have ds (mine from a previous relationship but OH is the only Dad he has ever had) who is 13 and DD who is 8 and then one on the way.

Ds is a good lad, bit lacking in motivation perhaps and is hopeless at looking after anything but kids are kids I suppose. Anyway, about a yr ago a 6th form student started helping out in his class. Ds talked about this kid more and more and after a few weeks asked if he could invite him over for tea, ds had been falling behind in maths and this 6th former was helping him during the lesson and had offered to bring over some books to help him catch up. He came over and sat and helped Ds with his homework and we chatted a little about his career plans (wants to be a primary school teacher) and it was ok.

Then ds would ask if he could go over to the 17 yr olds house after school some days but I was reluctant to be perfectly honest to encourage this friendship. I found it odd that a 17yr old would want to hang out with a 12 yr old. Just a gut feeling that didn't quite sit right?
My ds had a facebook account with the condition that I also had the password and he kept it what he posted appropriate generally.

After an occasion when he didn't come home after school I logged into his facebook to contact a few of his friends. It turned out he had gone to the 17 yr olds house. I messaged and asked him if ds was there. He said no. I messaged again and told him that they had been seen together so I was giving him the opportunity to tell the truth before I lost my temper. He said ok, ds was there but that he didnt want to talk to me. I said that he can want what he likes but as he is 12 he doesn't actually get to choose, I said I was leaving the house in 5mins and I expected to see ds walking down the road to meet me otherwise I would have no choice but to knock on the door and have a conversation with him and his mum about why it is not acceptable for someone in a position of trust within a classroom to continue a friendship with a child outside of school whether that person is 17 or not. As far as I was concerned his lie about my ds being with him is reason enough for me to trust my gut and ask him to stay away from ds.

Anyway. All was quiet and normal for a few weeks and we went into town one saturday. Ds wanted to go off with his cousin (also 12) to games workshop for an hour so I said that was absolutely fine but to meet me at a certain time and place. As I was walking toward the place at which we were to meet I saw the 17 yr old walking away from ds. I told ds how disappointed I was that he had not done as I had asked and stopped contact with the 17yr old - we had an arguement and ds told me that the 17yr old had confided in him that he was gay so ds felt like it was his duty to be his friend. I said I could understand why he would feel that way and I was proud that he wanted to be supportive but that frankly it didnt make much difference to me as to how I felt about their friendship (I had already suspected having seen facebook messages from the 17yr old to ds about how he thought he was attractive, MANY posts about how girls would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend and 1 conversation when ds was ill about how the 17yr old would look after him..)
... Monday morning I called the school and spoke to his head of year about what was going and what had happened but I didnt mention about the 17yr old coming out as I knew that the 17 yr old hadnt spoken to anyone else and would feel terrible if he had got a negative reaction because I would have wanted the friendship to end whether this kid was gay or straight - got to be honest though it didnt help.
I explained that I really didnt want to get the 17yr old into trouble but that I was concerned and felt that I had run out of options. She agreed that it was completely inappropriate and said she would speak to them both.

This was last year. I recently found out that they were still in sporadic contact by facebook message. I blew my top (not my finest moment) and grounded ds.

Yesterday he asked if he could go out after school to a friends house. I said that was fine. He was 2 hours late and I was pretty worried/pissed off by the time he walked in. He lied about where he had been and after being shouted at by me he owned up and said that he had been.... at the 17yr olds house! The 17 yr old is no longer working at ds' school by the way, his placement has been moved.
I literally had no words for how angry I felt and he was grounded and sent to his room. I told him he could spend the evening doing a page of writing.

When I went to bed I found the page of writing. It was a letter addressed to me detailing how he felt he could talk to the (now) 18yr old about his feelings in a way he couldnt speak to anyone else and that he wanted me to know that he is Bisexual and has a boyfriend.

Now, this wasnt a total surprise as he asked me a few weeks ago how I would feel if he or his sister told me that they were gay as his friend was talking about coming out to his mum. I told him that all I want for my children is to meet someone who tries to love them as much as I do. Whether that person is called Jack or Jill matters very little to me - what matters is respect and love.

So I read this letter last night. Ds said in the letter that he didnt want to talk about it and begged me not to tell OH because he believes OH would react badly. He might be right, he wouldn't blow up or anything but he certainly would find it difficult to be supportive i think.
So I haven't. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, just carried on as we were. I feel absolutely no different that his punishment for going against my wishes with regard to the 18yr old is that he be grounded but I don't want him to not have anyone to speak to if he feels he needs to.

what a mess. Anyone have any pearls of wisdom??? (and thank you for sticking with it if you got this far!!)

[poshme]

As someone who has been on endless safeguarding courses both in my professional & voluntary capacity OP this is a major issue.
The school are failing massively in their duty of care if they have really said its ok.
It is the right thing to contact the police.
Please do so today. Protect your child. This man (he is a man, not a child) is a predator. He will continue to be a predator.

[CalamityKate1]

I hope you've been to the police by now.

[Fairenuff]

The school are failing massively in their duty of care if they have really said its ok

It depends what he told the school really.

I'm hoping OP is on the phone to police now, getting it sorted. I can't see any reason why she wouldn't.

(Well I can think of one but we aren't allowed to say that)

[waffilyversati1e]

I have now spoken to OH about the messages and what the school have said. After he had calmed down and stopped saying that he would happily rip the lads head off he said that he thinks we really do need to get the police involved and that it does explain a fair bit about ds' whole persona over the last few months which I agree with.

I won't tell OH about ds coming out to me though. I know that some might disagree but I just wouldn't feel right in doing so. I have however told ds that he needs to do it - in his own time...and that this is a separate issue altogether from what is going on with the older lad.

ds has said this morning that he is worried he will get into trouble for talking to someone older than him. I assured him that he wouldn't be in any trouble whatsoever! He then asked me not to tell the school anything that would ruin the older lads future career and asked him whether there was anything specific - he said no - I told him that I would only tell them the truth and to remember that he was given nearly a year to walk away and if he had then we would have no cause to do anything whatsoever. He chose this route when he decided to go against the rules of his placement and to keep going against them.

We have just emptied ds' room and haven't found any phone or anything like that (we are decorating anyway so there wasn't much in there) but I am keeping him close so I can keep an eye on him.

[softlysoftly]

1 - print messages your son may warn the man to delete them. You can't be sure he has no method of contact.

2 - tell your DH if I found out my DH had kept somethingwhere my child is at risk from me I would leave him.

3 - call the police. This isn't "dating" or an inappropriate "relationship its child abuse pure and simple

[softlysoftly]

X post glad your OH knows.

Now the police.

and I'm sorry but your DS is clearly protecting the man, you can't trust him to be telling you the truth.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

"The school are failing massively in their duty of care if they have really said its ok."

Unless you know exactly what the DS said to the school you don't know this.

He then asked me not to tell the school anything that would ruin the older lads future career

this to me says that he hasn't told the school everything.

[MmeMorrible]

As I said upthread, grooming is real concern here & the 17/18 year old clearly should be spoken to by the authorities. I wouldn't want this man teaching my DC as at best he clearly doesn't understand professional boundaries.

But - I don't think the school is at fault here. They don't know the backstory the OP outlined. The DS will have told them he thinks he is bi and that 17/18 year old is helping him come to terms with that. I don't for a moment think he will have said that 17/18 year old has been pressuring him for kisses etc. Indeed, if he said anything of the sort I'm sure safeguarding procedures would have kicked in pronto.

[Fairenuff]

Just so that you know OP. In child protection training you are told that if a child asks you not to tell anyone else you have to tell them that you cannot make any promises to keep secrets.

This is what you need to do with your ds. He is a child. He has no idea of what is happening to him. You have to take control.

Tell him not to worry, you will sort everything out. Then call the police. Your son may be safe but that predator could be with another child right now, asking them to kiss him and touch him.

Please call the police straight away.

[MmeMorrible]

And just to add, I doubt your DS came up with the issue about potentially harming the 17/18 year old's future career by himself - this reeks of grooming to me and clearly shows his abuser knows what he is doing is wrong.

[elfycat]

call 101. Have a cup of tea first.

Your son is a child and children need adults to protect them. If this adult is grooming him it needs reporting. You can start protecting your own child now, but this 17/18 year old is working with children. What if he's about to embark on a whole career of working with/ grooming and abusing children?

If he's done nothing wrong the police and CPS will sort it out and send the right message to someone who oversteps the mark. If it's more sinister which I suspect it is then he will get dealt with to protect other children.

[PrincessBabyCat]

ds has said this morning that he is worried he will get into trouble for talking to someone older than him

But he wasn't worried about talking to someone older when telling the teachers about it? I'd be concerned about what he thinks he'll get in trouble for.

Yes, he's obviously protecting this 18 year old, you will probably need a counselor to talk to him and get the information out of him. The police will hopefully do a good job taking it from here. He may tell the police what what truly happened, he may never tell them or you. The important thing is that he has support and an open line of communication, and the knowledge he did nothing wrong here.

You're handling this very well by the way. It's great that you have a relationship with your son that he knows he can come and talk to you about something. :)

[waffilyversati1e]

I have called 101. We have an appointment at 5pm tomorrow at the police station.

[Harrin]

It's good you're getting this sorted together, you're doing the right thing

[waffilyversati1e]

MmeMorrible the school do know most of it actually.. all except these latest messages in fact. They knew enough to remove him from my sons class at school! Its possible that ds didn't tell the teacher his name, just that he was an 18yr old but surely with a record of us having an issue with him having a friendship with an older child this should have been flagged anyway?!

The policeman I spoke with was brilliant and very reassuring, he said it was extremely concerning that this person is working with children and even if nothing has physically happened with ds he feels that the lad needs investigating

Ds is predictably unhappy to go anywhere near a police station. He doesn't want to betray his friend which I do understand and I do get that he might not be giving us the entire truth but Softlysoftly please explain a better option than to be patient and believe what he tells us when we are trying to get him to open up about this?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

waffily

You will need to talk to the school about what he has told them, until you know what was said everything is supposition.

You are doing the right thing in going to the police.

[magpiegin]

Good luck OP. You have done the right thing and the police will be able to tell you what to do next.

[elfycat]

I think you shouldn't speak to the school about any of this now that the police are involved. The police will advise you more on this I'm sure. If they are going to investigate him they won't want him warned and able to get rid of computers with skype conversations etc on.

The best approach IMO for your son is that his friend cannot get into trouble if he has done nothing wrong. He should answer honestly and trust the system yes I know it's not always perfect and whatever happens after that cannot be your son's fault.

[MexicanSpringtime]

I really admire you OP. Instead of giving you advice I think your thread is good advice for us all in managing such an awful situation.

So glad you have good communication with your son.

[Fairenuff]

Well done OP, so glad that you have reported it to the police.

[softlysoftly]

I don't think there is a better way to handle it than gently with him, I was just worried you would take it as truth (that he is not the boyfriend) and then not contact the police.

Glad they took it seriously and hopefully your DS feels able to open up to them.

[riskit4abiskit]

Well done op and good luck for tomorrow!

[waffilyversati1e]

Thanks everyone, ds is still asking questions about what he should say to the police and asked whether if he tells the police nothing he could stop his "friend" getting into trouble. I said no, the only thing that would happen if ds lies to the police is that he might get into trouble. But that's the only thing he would be in trouble for. At the end of the day if ds believes the older lad has done nothing wrong then he can feel secure that he can tell the police everything and there will be no trouble anyway.

Ds said earlier that he was worried about how I would react to him liking boys, I said to be honest part of me was relieved... at least I don't need to worry about him getting anyone pregnant when he's 16! I said it as a joke really and it did seem to work to relax the situation.

I also told him of someone he knows (who is married with kids now) who had a same sex relationship when they were younger too which seemed to surprise him and make him think. I told him that his sexuality was his business but that he should never be afraid to ask questions but that to my mind it doesn't much matter whether its a boy or a girl he is into.. either needs to be below school in his priorities just now!

I think he is still feeling nervous and keeps commenting that I shouldn't have bothered calling the police as all they ever did was talk.. I said sometimes that's enough to cause concern for the people who wanted to keep him safe.

[MrFMercury]

Good luck for tomorrow :-)