AIBU to keep this from my Husband? and what would you do?

[waffilyversati1e]

OH and I have been together for 12 years. We have ds (mine from a previous relationship but OH is the only Dad he has ever had) who is 13 and DD who is 8 and then one on the way.

Ds is a good lad, bit lacking in motivation perhaps and is hopeless at looking after anything but kids are kids I suppose. Anyway, about a yr ago a 6th form student started helping out in his class. Ds talked about this kid more and more and after a few weeks asked if he could invite him over for tea, ds had been falling behind in maths and this 6th former was helping him during the lesson and had offered to bring over some books to help him catch up. He came over and sat and helped Ds with his homework and we chatted a little about his career plans (wants to be a primary school teacher) and it was ok.

Then ds would ask if he could go over to the 17 yr olds house after school some days but I was reluctant to be perfectly honest to encourage this friendship. I found it odd that a 17yr old would want to hang out with a 12 yr old. Just a gut feeling that didn't quite sit right?
My ds had a facebook account with the condition that I also had the password and he kept it what he posted appropriate generally.

After an occasion when he didn't come home after school I logged into his facebook to contact a few of his friends. It turned out he had gone to the 17 yr olds house. I messaged and asked him if ds was there. He said no. I messaged again and told him that they had been seen together so I was giving him the opportunity to tell the truth before I lost my temper. He said ok, ds was there but that he didnt want to talk to me. I said that he can want what he likes but as he is 12 he doesn't actually get to choose, I said I was leaving the house in 5mins and I expected to see ds walking down the road to meet me otherwise I would have no choice but to knock on the door and have a conversation with him and his mum about why it is not acceptable for someone in a position of trust within a classroom to continue a friendship with a child outside of school whether that person is 17 or not. As far as I was concerned his lie about my ds being with him is reason enough for me to trust my gut and ask him to stay away from ds.

Anyway. All was quiet and normal for a few weeks and we went into town one saturday. Ds wanted to go off with his cousin (also 12) to games workshop for an hour so I said that was absolutely fine but to meet me at a certain time and place. As I was walking toward the place at which we were to meet I saw the 17 yr old walking away from ds. I told ds how disappointed I was that he had not done as I had asked and stopped contact with the 17yr old - we had an arguement and ds told me that the 17yr old had confided in him that he was gay so ds felt like it was his duty to be his friend. I said I could understand why he would feel that way and I was proud that he wanted to be supportive but that frankly it didnt make much difference to me as to how I felt about their friendship (I had already suspected having seen facebook messages from the 17yr old to ds about how he thought he was attractive, MANY posts about how girls would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend and 1 conversation when ds was ill about how the 17yr old would look after him..)
... Monday morning I called the school and spoke to his head of year about what was going and what had happened but I didnt mention about the 17yr old coming out as I knew that the 17 yr old hadnt spoken to anyone else and would feel terrible if he had got a negative reaction because I would have wanted the friendship to end whether this kid was gay or straight - got to be honest though it didnt help.
I explained that I really didnt want to get the 17yr old into trouble but that I was concerned and felt that I had run out of options. She agreed that it was completely inappropriate and said she would speak to them both.

This was last year. I recently found out that they were still in sporadic contact by facebook message. I blew my top (not my finest moment) and grounded ds.

Yesterday he asked if he could go out after school to a friends house. I said that was fine. He was 2 hours late and I was pretty worried/pissed off by the time he walked in. He lied about where he had been and after being shouted at by me he owned up and said that he had been.... at the 17yr olds house! The 17 yr old is no longer working at ds' school by the way, his placement has been moved.
I literally had no words for how angry I felt and he was grounded and sent to his room. I told him he could spend the evening doing a page of writing.

When I went to bed I found the page of writing. It was a letter addressed to me detailing how he felt he could talk to the (now) 18yr old about his feelings in a way he couldnt speak to anyone else and that he wanted me to know that he is Bisexual and has a boyfriend.

Now, this wasnt a total surprise as he asked me a few weeks ago how I would feel if he or his sister told me that they were gay as his friend was talking about coming out to his mum. I told him that all I want for my children is to meet someone who tries to love them as much as I do. Whether that person is called Jack or Jill matters very little to me - what matters is respect and love.

So I read this letter last night. Ds said in the letter that he didnt want to talk about it and begged me not to tell OH because he believes OH would react badly. He might be right, he wouldn't blow up or anything but he certainly would find it difficult to be supportive i think.
So I haven't. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, just carried on as we were. I feel absolutely no different that his punishment for going against my wishes with regard to the 18yr old is that he be grounded but I don't want him to not have anyone to speak to if he feels he needs to.

what a mess. Anyone have any pearls of wisdom??? (and thank you for sticking with it if you got this far!!)

[Hairylegs47]

My word, yes tell your DH! And report the 18 year old, he's been grooming your son. You and your DH are a team who can help your son together.
Your sons sexuality isn't an issue - he may or may not be gay, he's 13!!
I know a boy who thought he had to be gay because he was sexually abused and only gay men had sex with gay boys, therefore he had to be gay. Only gay boys were neat, therefore he was gay. Anyone reinforcing claptrap like that needs to be educated.
Please, tell your husband.

[TippiShagpile]

My concern would be that the 18 year old had his sights on your ds from the start.

He's flattered him and spent time with him and made him feel special.

He has persuaded your son that he's bisexual because that's his way of encouraging your son into a sexual relationship with him even though your son says he like girls.

He's convinced your son that this is special and that no one will understand so it needs to be kept a secret.

I would phone NSPCC tonight. This is really worrying.

[MexicanSpringtime]

I think you should contact the NSPCC also to find out how best to deal with this situation so as to have the least harmful effect on your son.

[Pianissimopleeeeease]

It looks like the older buy has been grooming your ds. If not grooming the heavily influencing. The age gap is huge at that age. I would definitely speak to the other boy's (man's) parents. This is untoward and since he is 18 actually illegal. I suspect that your dc has been taken advantage of. If not physically then emotionally. I'm sorry.

[Pianissimopleeeeease]

Actually, yes SPCC or SS. Don't contact his parents directly. However talk to your ds and explain that you will have to speak to your dh at some point. He cannot ask you to keep such a huge secret.

[somedizzywhore1804]

Agree with all who are saying that this is grooming. You need to treat it as such. Contact the police.

[Cocolepew]

If an 18 year old man was secretly meeting my 12 yo DD especially after being told to stay away, I would phone the police. Your sons gender and sexuality has no bearing in this.
He is a boy being groomed by a man for sex.

[waffilyversati1e]

Oh no my OH knows who this older lad is - I haven't kept any of that from him AT ALL. He is absolutely in agreement that them having a friendship is inappropriate and backed me fully in saying that contact should be stopped. The only thing OH doesn't know is about ds saying he is bisexual.

The only reason I haven't approached the police is that I have no physical proof? ds has deleted messages from facebook so I can't show them those and I was afraid that perhaps I would be seen as overbearing or ott in some way. Perhaps you are right though, maybe I should have involved them sooner.

[TippiShagpile]

I suspect your ds is only saying he's bisexual because this 18 year old has persuaded him of this to encourage him to have a sexual relationship with him.

The more I think about this, the more it screams "police - now" at me.

[Waltermittythesequel]

The only reason I haven't approached the police is that I have no physical proof? ds has deleted messages from facebook so I can't show them those and I was afraid that perhaps I would be seen as overbearing or ott in some way. Perhaps you are right though, maybe I should have involved them sooner

Telling them now is better than not telling them at all.

But maybe you should speak to your ds first? To get his perspective on things?

As for proof; it's your job to tell them and there's to find anything there is to find.

[TippiShagpile]

No no no. Don't speak to your ds first.

He will bluff it out, protect this man and warn him that you're on to him.

[peggyundercrackers]

I would tell your Dh and I would go to police now about the 18yr old, even without any definite proof - he's grooming your kid and making him confused about his sexuality.

[Tweasels]

I agree with Tippi. Whilst your sons sexuality isn't of any importance my concern would be that this older boy has influenced your son at a time when he is in the height of puberty and sexual awareness. This will have a bearing on how he views his sexuality. Saying he's bisexual intimates to me that he fancies girls but also has sexual feelings toward this boy. Probably just this boy. This begs the question what have they talked about or more worryingly what have they done?

You are not being OTT, if anything quite the opposite.

Ring the Police.

[peggyundercrackers]

Agree with tippi don't speak to your ds as he will try and protect this 18yr old, sounds like he is already trying to protect him/hide things by deleting all the posts on facebook.

Fwiw I can't believe you are being so calm about it all after it's been going on for a bit now I would have been onto police after 17yr old was lying about him being at his house and secret meetings.

[EverythingsDozy]

I would say him deleting the messages as a fairly good indicator of this 18yo being more than just a friend. It may not be, but it's odd to me that he would delete the messages if they were innocent.

[Itsfab]

AF is right. You should be thinking about what could be going on RIGHT NOW with your child and not worrying about your husband's reaction. Your child could be being groomed at best, abused at worse.

[parentalunit]

Hairylegs you're spot on in my opinion. We saw this happen to a member of my extended family. OP be aware, this has happened many times before, and someone will be able to advise.

Grooming carries a sentence of 10 years. You need to know what happened, and there are people who can help. You're not alone. Get educated and get advice. You're doing the right thing in my opinion, by not rushing into action, as you need your relationship with your son to be maintained.

You don't need to have hard proof, that is for others to decide. You have a suspicion and it needs to be investigated. I would raise it with the police, school (through the parent association if you want it to be anonymous...you might find others come forward), a solicitor, and to charities who can advise you and possibly help.

Facebook will almost certainly be able to retrieve those deleted messages, if they have to. Police/solicitor may be able to advise, if not, tell us I can ask a friend who works at facebook what their policy is. The fact that your son deleted the messages is in itself worrying.

Here are some resources:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_grooming
www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sentencing_manual/s15_grooming/
www.olliers.com/sexual-offences/grooming.html

[parentalunit]

oh and this www.notwithmychild.org/ It's American but same principles.

[parentalunit]

and this www.jordanssolicitors.co.uk/child-abuse/2013/10/how-do-i-know-if-my-child-is-being-groomed/

[parentalunit]

and this www.jordanssolicitors.co.uk/child-abuse/support-groups/

sorry for drip feeding and long post. I feel so awful for you. Hope you resolve this successfully. Thinking of you.

[eatmydust]

Separate the two issues:

Your DS feels he is bisexual and has asked you not to tell your DH. If that was the only issue, I would say keep his trust for now.....BUT...

Your DS is being groomed by an adult. The older boy is 18 now. As other posters have said forget about the sexuality issue - if this was an 18 year old man with your 12 year old daughter - what would you do?? Tell your DH and ring the police. This is no different.

I do think you need to tell your DH, this is too serious to keep to yourself. By all means ring the NSPCC for advice, but they will tell you it is a police matter.

[WickedWitchoftheNorthWest]

Definitely please go to the police. He will do this to other children as well as your son and he needs to be stopped. He should be thoroughly investigated and he is almost certainly not suitable to work with children. This absolutely needs to be on his record.