AIBU to keep this from my Husband? and what would you do?

[waffilyversati1e]

OH and I have been together for 12 years. We have ds (mine from a previous relationship but OH is the only Dad he has ever had) who is 13 and DD who is 8 and then one on the way.

Ds is a good lad, bit lacking in motivation perhaps and is hopeless at looking after anything but kids are kids I suppose. Anyway, about a yr ago a 6th form student started helping out in his class. Ds talked about this kid more and more and after a few weeks asked if he could invite him over for tea, ds had been falling behind in maths and this 6th former was helping him during the lesson and had offered to bring over some books to help him catch up. He came over and sat and helped Ds with his homework and we chatted a little about his career plans (wants to be a primary school teacher) and it was ok.

Then ds would ask if he could go over to the 17 yr olds house after school some days but I was reluctant to be perfectly honest to encourage this friendship. I found it odd that a 17yr old would want to hang out with a 12 yr old. Just a gut feeling that didn't quite sit right?
My ds had a facebook account with the condition that I also had the password and he kept it what he posted appropriate generally.

After an occasion when he didn't come home after school I logged into his facebook to contact a few of his friends. It turned out he had gone to the 17 yr olds house. I messaged and asked him if ds was there. He said no. I messaged again and told him that they had been seen together so I was giving him the opportunity to tell the truth before I lost my temper. He said ok, ds was there but that he didnt want to talk to me. I said that he can want what he likes but as he is 12 he doesn't actually get to choose, I said I was leaving the house in 5mins and I expected to see ds walking down the road to meet me otherwise I would have no choice but to knock on the door and have a conversation with him and his mum about why it is not acceptable for someone in a position of trust within a classroom to continue a friendship with a child outside of school whether that person is 17 or not. As far as I was concerned his lie about my ds being with him is reason enough for me to trust my gut and ask him to stay away from ds.

Anyway. All was quiet and normal for a few weeks and we went into town one saturday. Ds wanted to go off with his cousin (also 12) to games workshop for an hour so I said that was absolutely fine but to meet me at a certain time and place. As I was walking toward the place at which we were to meet I saw the 17 yr old walking away from ds. I told ds how disappointed I was that he had not done as I had asked and stopped contact with the 17yr old - we had an arguement and ds told me that the 17yr old had confided in him that he was gay so ds felt like it was his duty to be his friend. I said I could understand why he would feel that way and I was proud that he wanted to be supportive but that frankly it didnt make much difference to me as to how I felt about their friendship (I had already suspected having seen facebook messages from the 17yr old to ds about how he thought he was attractive, MANY posts about how girls would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend and 1 conversation when ds was ill about how the 17yr old would look after him..)
... Monday morning I called the school and spoke to his head of year about what was going and what had happened but I didnt mention about the 17yr old coming out as I knew that the 17 yr old hadnt spoken to anyone else and would feel terrible if he had got a negative reaction because I would have wanted the friendship to end whether this kid was gay or straight - got to be honest though it didnt help.
I explained that I really didnt want to get the 17yr old into trouble but that I was concerned and felt that I had run out of options. She agreed that it was completely inappropriate and said she would speak to them both.

This was last year. I recently found out that they were still in sporadic contact by facebook message. I blew my top (not my finest moment) and grounded ds.

Yesterday he asked if he could go out after school to a friends house. I said that was fine. He was 2 hours late and I was pretty worried/pissed off by the time he walked in. He lied about where he had been and after being shouted at by me he owned up and said that he had been.... at the 17yr olds house! The 17 yr old is no longer working at ds' school by the way, his placement has been moved.
I literally had no words for how angry I felt and he was grounded and sent to his room. I told him he could spend the evening doing a page of writing.

When I went to bed I found the page of writing. It was a letter addressed to me detailing how he felt he could talk to the (now) 18yr old about his feelings in a way he couldnt speak to anyone else and that he wanted me to know that he is Bisexual and has a boyfriend.

Now, this wasnt a total surprise as he asked me a few weeks ago how I would feel if he or his sister told me that they were gay as his friend was talking about coming out to his mum. I told him that all I want for my children is to meet someone who tries to love them as much as I do. Whether that person is called Jack or Jill matters very little to me - what matters is respect and love.

So I read this letter last night. Ds said in the letter that he didnt want to talk about it and begged me not to tell OH because he believes OH would react badly. He might be right, he wouldn't blow up or anything but he certainly would find it difficult to be supportive i think.
So I haven't. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, just carried on as we were. I feel absolutely no different that his punishment for going against my wishes with regard to the 18yr old is that he be grounded but I don't want him to not have anyone to speak to if he feels he needs to.

what a mess. Anyone have any pearls of wisdom??? (and thank you for sticking with it if you got this far!!)

[CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss]

I think it's highly likely your child has been groomed op. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
You must report to the college and the police. This 18yr old should not become a teacher.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I think calling the NSPCC is a good idea.

It sounds very much like this 18 year old is his boyfriend and if that is the case then he's been grooming your ds.

I'm not sure how worried police/ss would be since the age gap is not huge but I really think the fact that he was in a position of trust on top of that will be something they would take seriously.

Aside from that, you said:

He might be right, he wouldn't blow up or anything but he certainly would find it difficult to be supportive i think

This is really, really, really not ok if your ds is gay.

What do you even mean by that? Is he homophobic?

[Waltermittythesequel]

I'm not sure how worried police/ss would be since the age gap is not huge

I should clarify: they SHOULD take it seriously but I've seen this with a girl/boy relationship and it was pretty much left alone.

[shebird]

I agree with what others have said. This older boy has taken advantage of his position at school to get close to your DS. Even when he moved to another school he persisted with contact so he is clearly willing to cross the line even if he is aware it is wrong. Considering he wants to become a teacher the authorities need to be aware of his behaviour.

[Musicaltheatremum]

Walter, tho OPs son is a 13 year old child. The police will be very interested. The age gap is emotionally huge as well as huge in figures.

[notapizzaeater]

The 18 yr old has abused his position regardless of anything else. Id be phoning the police/npscc for advice. If he wants to be a teacher he can't do this.

[Musicaltheatremum]

Sorry Walter, cross posted.

[Waltermittythesequel]

No problem, musical.

I think it's disgraceful personally.

I will say, in the case of the 14 year old girl the man was older (21 IIRC) and SS did pay a visit to her mother who said she had no issue with relationship.

But, like I said I think the position of power is what will grab their attention more sadly.

[waffilyversati1e]

On the subject of how OH would react to being told that ds is gay/bisexual. Its not even a definite WOULD but more of a probably could?
We know people who are gay and he has never shown the slightest hint of homophobia toward them so I am perhaps not giving him enough credit but he and ds don't have a brilliant relationship just now to be honest.
Nothing specific, he just finds him a lot harder work than I do because for example whereas I was a messy teen who spent as much time as possible under my duvet watching telly (like ds), OH has always been VERY neat (to the point of being odd, lol) and very hardworking and I think whereas I see that ds is working hard at school and just wants to relax at home, oh thinks he is being lazy and I am a soft touch.
He is very conservative and I am very not, but usually that's worked well for us.
Personally I don't think this is too out of the ordinary to be honest, I know my mum was a lot stricter than my dad?

[AnyFucker]

The age gap is huge in terms of years, experience, position of authority and level of emotional maturity

It seems I am the first to say this but OP,, I am afraid you are not being pro active enough here and your rabbit in the headlights stance is to the detriment of your son's emotional well being

I would be getting the truth from my ds and blowing this thing wide open

You have been far too passive, sorry. This is a child we are talking about here at the mercy of a predatory older person and you are wringing your hands about your Oh's reaction ?

[riskit4abiskit]

I think you should persuade, gently, your ds to tell dh and then you wont have broken the confidence.

I think you should ask your son what he would do in your situation and outline your concerns that way. If you can gain his understanding of why this is inappropriate without making it personal to him then it might help. Use of silence and mmmm oh, I see, etc instead of commenting or questioning, encourage him to reason through it himself is a technique we are encouraged to use st work.

You sound like a fab mum

[riskit4abiskit]

I think that's a bit harsh anyfucker. It was brave of the ds to communicate with mum and she is understandably being careful. We all suspect but dont know the bf is the 18yr old.

I think as well as reporting this dangerous man to the authorities the ds needs to understand for himself why this is wrong or he might just jump into another unsuitable relationship.

[maddening]

tbh it sounds like the 18yr old has groomed your son who is at the point of understanding his own sexuality - whether or not your ds is gay is one thing but he is emotionally immature - an older person taking an interest and guiding your son may have confused him - or he might be gay in his own right and this is a coincidence but I would print off all the emails and messages and go to the police and ask if this would be of concern.

[maddening]

ps I would tell dh

[magpiegin]

I agree with Anyfucker. This needs action now. You need to be speaking to your son. Firstly letting him know that you're fine with his sexual orientation but finding out who the boyfriend is. As I said before, whether the 18 year old is the boyfriend or not I would still be straight on the phone to the college on Tuesday morning- it is not appropriate for him to be in contact with your 13 year old son against your wishes due to his position of trust.

[turgiday]

Young gay people are at risk of predatory older people, because there is so little support for gay and lesbian kids and teenagers, and so many willing to dismiss their feelings as a phase. So having an older person taking their feelings seriously, can exert a powerfull pull.

But it is clear that this 18 year old is either grooming your son, or has already abused him.

But this isn't like a very young child where you can physically stop your son being anywhere near him forever. And that is why I think you need specialist advice from NSPCC or SS.

[Toothytwo]

I think you need to say to your son that you're fine with him being gay. Or bi, or straight and that you're fine with him having a boyfriend or girlfriend and they'd be very welcome in your house.

Then calmly talk about why you would be worried if it was the 18 year old and why it wouldn't be ok.

Then he knows you're accepting him fully but also protecting him. You need to keep the communication lines open.

Regarding your DH, I would tell your son you'll keep his confidence but that it would be best to tell his dad as he loves him and will support him (think the best of your OH and give him the chance to be a good dad here).

Regarding the 18 YO, I would be tempted to report it if it turns out he is the boyfriend, either way the behaviour is inappropriate at best.

[softlysoftly]

I think that while normally I would be saying to be supportive in this case it sounds like abuse.

Your DS sounds like he has been convinced he is bisexual and groomed by the older boy.

You need to tell your DH as his father which he is albiet not biologically, and call the police.

You need to protect your son.

[mummytime]

You really do need to get advice from the NSPCC or SS or a gay and Bi helpline. The issue is not your Ds's sexuality but the possible predatory nature of this teenager.
Have you managed to talk to your son about how you feel? Why you don't like him being friends with a boy so much older?

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

The issue of your son's sexuality and whether or not to tell your OH is fairly straightforward. It is vital that you keep your son's trust here and allow him to come out in his own time. That said, if you have a way of subtly testing the water with your OH first to preempt any adverse reaction, it certainly wouldn't hurt.

The friendship with the older lad is very worrying though. If he is in fact the "boyfriend" to whom your son referred, this is a matter of child protection and you need to accept that this young man has groomed and abused your son, and more importantly you need to do something about it. Start with NSPCC and maybe even speak to the police on 101 for some advice.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Its great that your son has been able to confide in you, and I think that you should let him.be the one to tell his Dad that he thinks he's bisexual.

However, the issue of the bpyfriend needs addressing pronto!! You really need to know whether it is the 18 yr old. If it is,.it needs to be made clear to your son that it is really inapporopriate due the the age of the friend, NOT due to his sex.

If it was a heterosexual 'relationship' there would be absoluty no question of reporting it.

Goid luck OP, its a fine line to tread between keeping your sons trust and keeping him safe.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I do wonder if the 18 year old has been complicit in your ds not telling you.

You really need to get to the bottom of their relationship.

And reporting to the college is an absolute must. Even if he's not the boyfriend, his behaviour has been beyond the pale.

Does your ds feel he can't talk to you because of your partner?

[parentalunit]

NSPCC call is really good idea. Someone mentioned sexual predator training, I think it was in a different post. They received the training from the Catholic church. I bet whoever ran the course would have advice on what your next steps might be. Another idea would be boy scouts, they might have training and know how to respond. So so sorry for what it happening to you, it's a good warning to the rest of us to be alert and trust our instincts.

[waffilyversati1e]

I think its possible that the reason he said he didn't want to talk to me is more to do with him keeping control of the situation.

I believe in open discussion so usually if something happens (for example he has had issues with bullies at school) I will enter into loooong conversations to make sure he knows and I know whats what. After that we have usually come to an agreement about what course of action should be taken and the last time (with the bullies) this resulted in a meeting with his head of year.. it stopped it but not without some repercussion on ds. Perhaps by refusing to talk he feels like I won't take over?

He has come to me this afternoon and asked whether I read his letter. I said I had but understood that he didn't feel comfortable talking just yet. He said he would like to but away from Oh and dd and I said that was ok, however he felt happy. Its no big deal so if he feels like he wants a chat we can go and grab a drink and chat.

My plan is to press the issue of who the boyfriend is when we are having said chat but yes I will be calling the NSPCC in the meantime and the college on Tuesday. I kind of want to speak to ds' school but I don't see how I can without outing ds. I am really not sure who I ought to be asking to speak with at the college as I don't know for sure which course the boy is on or anything much other than his name and age and what he looks like. I know roughly where he lives but not his house number.

[Cocolepew]

You need to tell your DH and then both of you show a united front and keep your DS away from the 18 year old. I would be informing the police.