AIBU to keep this from my Husband? and what would you do?

[waffilyversati1e]

OH and I have been together for 12 years. We have ds (mine from a previous relationship but OH is the only Dad he has ever had) who is 13 and DD who is 8 and then one on the way.

Ds is a good lad, bit lacking in motivation perhaps and is hopeless at looking after anything but kids are kids I suppose. Anyway, about a yr ago a 6th form student started helping out in his class. Ds talked about this kid more and more and after a few weeks asked if he could invite him over for tea, ds had been falling behind in maths and this 6th former was helping him during the lesson and had offered to bring over some books to help him catch up. He came over and sat and helped Ds with his homework and we chatted a little about his career plans (wants to be a primary school teacher) and it was ok.

Then ds would ask if he could go over to the 17 yr olds house after school some days but I was reluctant to be perfectly honest to encourage this friendship. I found it odd that a 17yr old would want to hang out with a 12 yr old. Just a gut feeling that didn't quite sit right?
My ds had a facebook account with the condition that I also had the password and he kept it what he posted appropriate generally.

After an occasion when he didn't come home after school I logged into his facebook to contact a few of his friends. It turned out he had gone to the 17 yr olds house. I messaged and asked him if ds was there. He said no. I messaged again and told him that they had been seen together so I was giving him the opportunity to tell the truth before I lost my temper. He said ok, ds was there but that he didnt want to talk to me. I said that he can want what he likes but as he is 12 he doesn't actually get to choose, I said I was leaving the house in 5mins and I expected to see ds walking down the road to meet me otherwise I would have no choice but to knock on the door and have a conversation with him and his mum about why it is not acceptable for someone in a position of trust within a classroom to continue a friendship with a child outside of school whether that person is 17 or not. As far as I was concerned his lie about my ds being with him is reason enough for me to trust my gut and ask him to stay away from ds.

Anyway. All was quiet and normal for a few weeks and we went into town one saturday. Ds wanted to go off with his cousin (also 12) to games workshop for an hour so I said that was absolutely fine but to meet me at a certain time and place. As I was walking toward the place at which we were to meet I saw the 17 yr old walking away from ds. I told ds how disappointed I was that he had not done as I had asked and stopped contact with the 17yr old - we had an arguement and ds told me that the 17yr old had confided in him that he was gay so ds felt like it was his duty to be his friend. I said I could understand why he would feel that way and I was proud that he wanted to be supportive but that frankly it didnt make much difference to me as to how I felt about their friendship (I had already suspected having seen facebook messages from the 17yr old to ds about how he thought he was attractive, MANY posts about how girls would be lucky to have him as a boyfriend and 1 conversation when ds was ill about how the 17yr old would look after him..)
... Monday morning I called the school and spoke to his head of year about what was going and what had happened but I didnt mention about the 17yr old coming out as I knew that the 17 yr old hadnt spoken to anyone else and would feel terrible if he had got a negative reaction because I would have wanted the friendship to end whether this kid was gay or straight - got to be honest though it didnt help.
I explained that I really didnt want to get the 17yr old into trouble but that I was concerned and felt that I had run out of options. She agreed that it was completely inappropriate and said she would speak to them both.

This was last year. I recently found out that they were still in sporadic contact by facebook message. I blew my top (not my finest moment) and grounded ds.

Yesterday he asked if he could go out after school to a friends house. I said that was fine. He was 2 hours late and I was pretty worried/pissed off by the time he walked in. He lied about where he had been and after being shouted at by me he owned up and said that he had been.... at the 17yr olds house! The 17 yr old is no longer working at ds' school by the way, his placement has been moved.
I literally had no words for how angry I felt and he was grounded and sent to his room. I told him he could spend the evening doing a page of writing.

When I went to bed I found the page of writing. It was a letter addressed to me detailing how he felt he could talk to the (now) 18yr old about his feelings in a way he couldnt speak to anyone else and that he wanted me to know that he is Bisexual and has a boyfriend.

Now, this wasnt a total surprise as he asked me a few weeks ago how I would feel if he or his sister told me that they were gay as his friend was talking about coming out to his mum. I told him that all I want for my children is to meet someone who tries to love them as much as I do. Whether that person is called Jack or Jill matters very little to me - what matters is respect and love.

So I read this letter last night. Ds said in the letter that he didnt want to talk about it and begged me not to tell OH because he believes OH would react badly. He might be right, he wouldn't blow up or anything but he certainly would find it difficult to be supportive i think.
So I haven't. I haven't mentioned it to anyone, just carried on as we were. I feel absolutely no different that his punishment for going against my wishes with regard to the 18yr old is that he be grounded but I don't want him to not have anyone to speak to if he feels he needs to.

what a mess. Anyone have any pearls of wisdom??? (and thank you for sticking with it if you got this far!!)

[MammaTJ]

I would be contacting the 18 year olds college! I would do this if they were both straight and the 18 year old was female too!

He was in a position of trust!

I would keep you DS's secret for now though.

[prh47bridge]

If the boyfriend is the 18 year old this is potentially a child protection issue. He was in a position of trust with your son and appears to have abused that trust. If the relationship is now sexual a crime has definitely been committed. If it is him stay calm, be careful what you say to your son and report the 18yo to the authorities.

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

Also what Worra says.

[Melonbreath]

I think you're being remarkably restrained.
Personally I would tell my OH, but then my OH wouldn't give a fig as to whether our children are gay or not. But I would encourage your ds to be honest with your OH.

I would also have raised holy hell and taken pictures of any messages by this older person to show the school, I would also have threatened him with police action.
A 13 year old and a 17/18 is wrong. Particularly when the elder person was in a position of responsibility.

And this guy who seems to find 13 year olds attractive wants to be a primary school teacher????

Warning bells.

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

And posters between both of mine .

Really difficult lines to walk op. Not envying you this one. Hugs x

[ajandjjmum]

The 18 year old sounds like trouble, and your DS is at a very vulnerable age. Quite how you handle it I'm not sure, but if the older boy is working in schools, I think 'someone' should be made aware of his behaviour, which is clearly inappropriate.

For what it's worth, the same would apply if it was an 18 year old girl.

[wowfudge]

I agree with the posters who are saying you should tell your OH - boot on the other foot, how would you feel if your DH knew but didn't share it with you? Especially if the 18 yr old has been grooming your DS. Better that you both present a united front in dealing with things - your DS is so young.

[parentalunit]

The issue is not your son's sexual orientation, but the fact that it sounds like he's been groomed. Please contact the relevant authorities about the 17/18 year old, who should be under observation since he is suspected of grooming, and is still working with vulnerable young children.

So sorry this has happened to you. Agree with previous posters that best course of action would be to tell son to focus on school work and getting qualified. He's too young to date, and is very vulnerable. Don't make an issue out of his sexual orientation, tell him it's a sliding scale and things are fluid until you grow up. His hormones will be all over the place.

I would not mention it to your OH, especially because it will probably blow over as long as you can ensure your son doesn't meet with the 17/18 year old.

Absolutely take snapshots of facebook messages etc but make sure that they will be anonymous and the 17/18 will never find out about you sending them, and of course your son not find out.

[waffilyversati1e]

Only on the surface. On the inside I feel absolutely strung out - I am terrified that the 18 yr old is predatory which is my instinct and all I want is for my child to be safe.
Unfortunately keeping a 13 yr old safe seems to be a lot tougher than keeping a younger child safe! I have always believed that children need their independence to be able to grow as people but I miss just being able keep him close.. I might appear restrained but it is only because I need to feel sure that what I do next doesn't push ds away.

[MmeMorrible]

I think it is important not to disclose what your DS has confided to you about his sexuality to your DH. I'm sure your DH would deal with it well and wouldn't have a problem but that is not the issue here. You cannot afford to lose your DS's trust - and that is what will happen if you out him against his wishes.

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

Gay or straight and 18 year old cannot have a relationship with a 13 year old, so if it transpires the boyfriend is the 18 year old then I would (at least) threaten police involvement, though I'd be tempted to not just threaten it but to actually do it.

I'd do the very same if it was an 18 year old boy and 13 year old girl or any other combination. The 18 is an adult and will know that it's wrong to be in a relationship with a child.

[BruthasTortoise]

But surely if you believe your child has been the victim of or is at risk of being victim of sexual abuse you are morally obligated to tell the child's other parent? I think this falls outside of the category of secrets it's ok to keep.

[turgiday]

12 is not too young to know you are bisexual or gay or to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But the age difference is highly inappropriate and abusive.

If I was you I would ring the NSPCC and get some professional advice on how best to deal with your son. One thing that strikes me that might help, is if your son could meet other gay/bi boys of his own age.

[EverythingsDozy]

Could you talk to the parents of the 18yo and ask if there has been anything going on there? Has your DS been round, introduced?

[SoFishy]

Agree with most others here - keep his secret, but move heaven and earth to intervene in what this 18yo is doing. Talk to whoever is in charge of him, you can even talk to the police (non-emergency) about the situation without giving names, just to ask what is the best approach as you aren't sure what's going on.

Also a proper chat with your DS that is not about grounding etc. but is about grooming and the law. Make clear that he (DS) won't be in trouble but that if the 18yo is doing anything inappropriate/sexual then that is not OK, it's illegal and the reasons for that are to protect DS. Explain that you are really worried about his safety and why. He's 13, he hasn't a clue, and he may be being powerfully influenced by this person. But he's old enough to understand the issues and the legal situation. He cannot have a boyfriend who is that age, as legally that is not a boyfriend but a criminal.

[wowfudge]

turgid's NSPCC advice is a really good call.

I can't see any good coming of trying to contact the 18 year old's parents tbh.

[Billygoats]

Agree with separating the relationship with the 18 year old , if this was a 13 year old girl and 18 year old boy you wouldn't be comfortable I'm imagining.

As keeping it from OH I would respect your DS's wishes. He will be able to tell people when he feels comfortable with everything, at 13 he's probably very confused with his feelings.

[antimatter]

There's another thread on MN Right now about a dad lying to his partner about his son. Everyone says he was wrong to keep some info about his son from his partner..... here other people say yo the Mum - yes it is OK not to mention it to this lad's stepdad about such important issue involving perhaps child protection breach....

I am lost for words!

If this 13 yo had confided in his teacher this matter would go straight to the management. Parents and perhaps SS would get involved due to age of the "boyfriend".....

[raffle]

A 17 year old has told your 12 year old son that he finds him attractive. You need to report this to his college, he can't become a teacher

[magpiegin]

I think you need to talk to your son and explain that you have to tell your husband. He needs to know the situation and you need his support. Even if your son denies that his boyfriend is the 18 year old I would still contact his college with your concerns about the contact they have had.

As others have said, his sexual orientation is not the issue here- the issue it his relationship with the 18 year old (whether he is the boyfriend or not).

[turgiday]

An 18 year old is not in a "relationship" with a 13 year old, he is abusing him. But the NSPCC have done research on the rise of older children abvusing younger children. Although the 18 year old is now an adult, I suspect this started when he was 17. That is why I suggested the NSPCC may be able to give advice.

Because the complicating factor is that your son sees this 18 year old as his "boyfriend". He isnt, but because as far as your son is concerned this is consensual, I think you need expert advice on how to deal with it.

[PrincessBabyCat]

Could you talk to the parents of the 18yo and ask if there has been anything going on there?

Kids are very good at getting around their parents. My parents were strict and almost suffocating and I still managed to fool around with boys without them finding out. I think it's obvious that something is going on between them, it's just a question of how far. Otherwise an 18 year old would not have that much interest in a 13 year old.

I would tell your husband that the 17/18 year old is a bad influence (your son is staying late and disobeying you) and leave it at that. I'm sure your OH will agree that a 13 year old doesn't need an 18 year old friend that tries to block his mother from seeing him or lying about where he is. That's not a responsible older friend.

Also, it could just be a phase. It might not be. But if your husband is uncomfortable with it, you won't want him to see your son permanently as gay (once it's in his head, he can't unknow it) if it's just a fleeting thing.

[HeadfirstForTHiddy]

His sexuality is a non issue but the 18 year old is ringing alarm bells for me from what you've written. I would feel the same if it were an 18 year old woman.

At their ages a 5 year age gap is huge and grooming did come to my mind I'm afraid

[magoria]

I agree with the others you need to take this further.

Maybe a chat to the head who you spoke to when he was on his placement, the NSPCC or the police.

If he is training to work with children then this needs to be fully exposed and looked into to check your child and other children this young man may come into contact with are safe and not being groomed/abused.

If your 12/13 year old considers this 17/18 year old his boyfriend what has he been doing sexually to him!

The 18 year old is an adult his parents are the wrong place to go with this.

Good luck.