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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to get into a routine? Please help me!

169 replies

strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 16:00

Since September DS has started school, and husband got a new job in the city centre with no available parking so I now have to drop him and collect him from work (we also have a 6 month old). Mornings are not a problem as DH starts at 9.15am so I can drop DS at school then DH at work and am back home with baby by 9.30am. But I am finding evenings hard, 3.30pm pick DS up, back home by 3.45pm, leave at 5.15pm to pick DH up and back home by 6.15 pm. DS needs 12 hours sleep on average, but takes about an hour to actually fall asleep, and I am struggling to fit in dinner, bath (every other night) and bed. I know everyone who works full time must do this every day, but what ever routine I try it does not work. I have tried 4pm dinner but baby sleeps through it most days and he is weaning so needs to eat too, and 6.15 bath, DS gets to bed on time but me and DH still need to eat. I have tried bath after school (does not matter if baby sleeps through this) and 6.45pm dinner but DS is so tired does not eat much and takes ages to get to bed as baby takes ages mushing food into his highchair and dinner seems to last for ever. Is there any way to get DS in bed by 7?? Help!!

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 02/05/2014 00:01

"He will just shout 'don't you want to help me and our family'"

To which the correct reply is, "why don't YOU want to help ME and our family? Why must the children and I suffer because you're too bone idle to get a bloody bus?"

He's a shit. Though I wouldn't worry about every other weekend. Kids are hard work - I'm afraid I doubt he'd keep on with contact.

Think how much happier you and the kids would be without him. My own husband works long hours. He takes public transport, and plays with DS and dotes on baby dd when home. And he appreciates the job I do looking after them, too. We both respect what the other gives the family. That's normal. Your husband... is not.

perfectstorm · 02/05/2014 00:02

Oh, and agreed he had no asthma attack. As if. And even if he had, it would have no relevance to the bus! Which will cost less than running the car, I may add.

BlackDaisies · 02/05/2014 00:28

I hope you sleep well. And find the strength to say you won't be picking him up tomorrow. As for if you left him, don't worry about the "what ifs?" of contact etc. Just take it one step at a time. He might not even fight for it, or he might pull his finger out if he knew he needed to make it work. You are less powerless than you think. Take a deep breath. Take him in the morning if that works for you, and then start by telling him you won't be picking him up tomorrow evening. Don't get drawn into an argument. Just say it's not working for you or the children. You'll probably find that the world doesn't end, he will get home and you will feel quite a lot better for it. Good luck.

iwantsun · 02/05/2014 09:35

How are you today? Did you drop him off at work this morning?

Thurlow · 02/05/2014 09:40

I agree the "what if's" of contact must be terrifying. But that is no reason to stay when you are so unhappy and exhausted, and worried about the atmosphere in the house for your sons.

Take some time to think about what you can do, talk to your family, start a new thread in Relationships for advice.

But overall it sounds as though you are thinking you are ready to leave?

Swoopdewoop · 02/05/2014 10:00

You can't go on like this, OP. It will end up being very bad for your health and then your dc will suffer. Sort this out now before the strength leaves you altogether. You sound like an excellent person - you deserve so much better than this but you won't find it unless you make some changes. Good luck!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 02/05/2014 16:08

How are you OP?

parentalunit · 02/05/2014 21:28

Woah this just hit a new level...he thought 6 quid for all day parking was too expensive. Clearly he doesn't value your time. Can you lovingly suggest that your time is worth more than 6 quid an hour, and on that basis please use the parking and stop being such an arse.

Or hire a nanny/au pair at more than 6 quid per day.

Passive aggressive might help here. Could you confide in a friend who has children and husband, and engineer a social chat where you miraculously get on to talking about parenting? Guys like your husband (yes I am generalizing) might pay more attention to other guys that to their wife. The other husband needn't be primed, and the conversation could be about how fun it is to bathe children etc... how the bond is so important so that the boy grows up to be big and strong with a good role model. That might scare him into moving his arse.

Original poster

strugglingtodoitall · 02/05/2014 21:30

Thanks for all the replies. DS was ill this morning so I didn't take DH to work as DS was still asleep. DH took the car and paid for parking. I told him tonight I cannot carry on picking him up, he either a) takes the car and pays for parking and I do not do any errands for him or b) he gets the bus and I will do the errands with the car for his work when it is DS nap time so he naps in the car while I do the errands. He said he will get the bus next week, I will have to see it before I believe it, I can already here his voice 'just drop this bits off for work and do this this and this and can you collect me today as I am really tired'. Fingers crossed I am wrong. If he does not get the bus I have decided I will just not pick him up, we cannot carry on sitting in the car for 4 hours every day :( what is the worst that could happen? He will get annoyed and leave? Saves me a job! I feel a lot better now I know it is not me that is in the wrong.

OP posts:

parentalunit · 02/05/2014 21:30

PS or go back to work part time, it will give you some sanity and space, and a credit rating in case the marriage goes tits up, which to be honest I don't think it has to, as people go through worse things than this and get over it...he's just being selfish and hasn't realized it yet

parentalunit · 02/05/2014 21:38

Sorry cross post...my husband was very similar to yours, and it did change. Having children is so stressful, our pediatrician described it as being similar to when you go through teenage years...all those hormones etc, and for men as well as women.

In my case, my husband became concerned to the point of obsession with providing financially, and buried himself in his job. It's not an excuse, but your husband might be going through that and might yet realize that he is being an arse.

One thing I did which helped was to see a doctor about sleep exhaustion. He kindly wrote a prescription for more sleep. It's not a "thing" ie there is no such prescription, but he told me to show it to my husband and explain that sleep exhaustion is dangerous and that the modern world way of parenting with a single usually the mother person responsible for the children is not the way we evolved. That note did seem to change things, just another suggestion.

Hope the bus thing works. If not, www.carpooling.co.uk/, www.shareyourride.net/carpool/United+Kingdom/, carshare.liftshare.com/default.asp are additional resources.

Thurlow · 02/05/2014 21:40

I'm really quite glad you've reached that decision, struggling. It is far too much for you and your DC.

As long as you are not worried about his reaction - as in, you don't think he would become physical - than yes, what is the worst that can happen? He sulks? That would at least be quieter...

Original poster

strugglingtodoitall · 02/05/2014 21:53

No he would not be violent, he just throws his toys out of the pram so to speak.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 02/05/2014 21:58

Then I'd agree what do you have to lose? Obviously we don't know you or your H so you have to do what you feel safe doing, but just stick to your guns. You can NOT keep doing this journey with your DCs.

iwantsun · 02/05/2014 22:30

Well done struggling can't have been easy

Let him throw his toys out of the pram, he will get over it after a while

Hopefully now you can focus on your children and their evening routine properly without having to rush out in the car

grumpasaur · 02/05/2014 23:51

Well done!

Remember, firm but kind, and don't engage in nonsense. No, I won't be picking you up today, this won't change, so stop asking...

Thetallesttower · 02/05/2014 23:56

I think you have done something extremely important for you and for your children, this couldn't continue, moreover, there was no reason for it to continue. It is important your husband realises that he needs to be meeting your needs too (not to be exhausted and driving in a dangerous overtired condition) and the childrens (not to be stuck in the car for several hours a day)- and that you are not all just satellites around his sun. I hope this brings about the change you need.

whatever5 · 03/05/2014 10:07

I'm glad you have got something sorted out. He seems to have been treating you like his personal chauffeur and slave!

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2014 10:52

Well done!

And stick to your guns. If the worse he will do is shout and have a tantrum, then let him. Just take your DC off into the kitchen/upstairs to play and tell him you'll talk when he's being civil.

If he values you he'll listen. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

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