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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to get into a routine? Please help me!

169 replies

strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 16:00

Since September DS has started school, and husband got a new job in the city centre with no available parking so I now have to drop him and collect him from work (we also have a 6 month old). Mornings are not a problem as DH starts at 9.15am so I can drop DS at school then DH at work and am back home with baby by 9.30am. But I am finding evenings hard, 3.30pm pick DS up, back home by 3.45pm, leave at 5.15pm to pick DH up and back home by 6.15 pm. DS needs 12 hours sleep on average, but takes about an hour to actually fall asleep, and I am struggling to fit in dinner, bath (every other night) and bed. I know everyone who works full time must do this every day, but what ever routine I try it does not work. I have tried 4pm dinner but baby sleeps through it most days and he is weaning so needs to eat too, and 6.15 bath, DS gets to bed on time but me and DH still need to eat. I have tried bath after school (does not matter if baby sleeps through this) and 6.45pm dinner but DS is so tired does not eat much and takes ages to get to bed as baby takes ages mushing food into his highchair and dinner seems to last for ever. Is there any way to get DS in bed by 7?? Help!!

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 01/05/2014 22:20

So why won't you say no and stop driving him?

4 hours in a car seat isn't fair for your baby.

Thetallesttower · 01/05/2014 22:21

I would definitely not show him this thread, this does not sound like a relationship in which there is a good healthy power balance and where the husband will see the error of his ways.

struggling I very much doubt he would fight to see the children, given that he works 6 days a week and does nothing with them on his day off. I would be surprised if he wanted more than an hour or two a month and you could supervise that/use a contact centre.

OP, I am slightly concerned about your safety in this situation, please do delete your browsing history so this isn't a thread that just pops up easily as this situation is very recognizable.

I really think you should post in Relationships for some concrete advice on how to stay safe and how to get things to change.

Original poster

strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:22

I don't say no because it makes a bad atmosphere in the house, he will shout infront of the boys and I do not like it. He will just shout 'don't you want to help me and our family' 'if I was at home I could run a business and look after the boys' 'we need to pull together as a team'. He makes me feel like I am lazy and selfish :(

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 01/05/2014 22:23

He had an asthma attack to prove that he couldn't cycle! It's just a form of control.

Do you think he is really going to insist on access? I'd concentrate on getting out now to be honest, worry about that later.

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 22:23

Why don't you get some legal advice?

It is great you have some savings and money of your own

You have answered it really, you were much happier when he was away

HearMyRoar · 01/05/2014 22:23

I think you need to practice saying, 'no, that doesn't work for me' whenever he asks you to run one of these errands or mentions being driven to and from work. And repeat.

In between repeating that phrase think long and hard about what you and your dc are getting from this man. It seems to me that he is not only robbing them off their time with a father but also their time with you. Spending so much time. a day in a car is not quality time with a parent and no way for a baby to spend their day.

I would also point out that even if you had told me you didn't have children I would still be appalled at the idea of your dh insisting you go out of your way to drive him to and from work everyday. It's simply outrageous of him to expect this.

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/05/2014 22:24

If you're sure he would not turn violent tell him that tomorrow is the last day you pick him up from work. Tell him you'll do him the favour of taking him in (if you want to) but he'll have to take the bus home from Monday.

Original poster

strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:24

It is ok I am on my own laptop, he never uses it, he has a work one. I am in the room with him now but he is so absorbed in work he does not notice anything I do on my laptop!

OP posts:

HearMyRoar · 01/05/2014 22:25

Oh, cross post.

Tell him if he thinks he can look after 2 kids and run a business at the same time he is welcome to give it a go and show you how it's done

What a cock.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/05/2014 22:26

I think you should get this thread moved to relationships. There are lots of people there who can give you advice on leaving and contact.

I don't see how you can go on like this OP, I feel really sad for you. It's not fair on you or your DC.

It's all him isn't it. That's all he thinks about.

KiaOraOAotearoa · 01/05/2014 22:27

OP, there is no way in hell I would even contemplate to attempt your 'routine'. He needs to get the bus back, or walk, whatever, not your problem!
He's also not extempt from childcare, my DH would be in the dog house big time if I came home to him ignoring the child crying in the cot!!!!! As in: it's a massive deal breaker for me and the consequences would be ugly. We're not talking kid crying for the sugar bowl, we're talking not engaging/ignoring.
I'd tell him where to go, tbh, but again, don't think it would ever cross his mind to demand what yours is. Put your doot down.

KiaOraOAotearoa · 01/05/2014 22:28

*foot, sorry.

Original poster

strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:29

Yes I do need to sort this out now that I know it is not right. I am going to bed now to get some sleep while I can. I will check the thread tomorrow night after baby has gone to sleep. Thank you to everyone making me realise that I am not the unreasonable one. I cannot carry on like this, it is not a way to live, I am so worn down and tired. I thought all I needed was some super routine to make it all work, but now I realise that nothing will help, I should not have to do all this.

OP posts:

ShabbyChic8 · 01/05/2014 22:30

Could you try to prepare dinners in advance (pasta bake, lasagne etc) that everyone can eat when they're ready? Can you try to bring baby's nap forward so baby is ready for tea at 4.30?

Thetallesttower · 01/05/2014 22:30

Is it password protected?

You might think he may never look on it but if you suddenly change your behaviour, he might go hunting to see what is going on. Make sure this won't be visible.

I am not sure if you are scared of him or just ground down. His imaginary need to be driven everywhere means you are very isolated from others who would tell you this isn't typical.

I agree with posting in Relationships as there are people there with more advice on things like contact, how to get your free half hour legal advice and benefits entitlement.

You deserve better than this.

Gen35 · 01/05/2014 22:31

Just echoing - start with telling him he has to make his own way to and from work and then consider what other changes to make. I expect you could work and care for your dc and still not be as selfish as him, and be free of him continually putting you down.

IamInvisible · 01/05/2014 22:33

Struggling ask MNHQ to move this thread to relationships, there will be posters over there who can help you.

You sound knackered, lovely. You need to stop doing something because your day only has as many hours as everyone else's and you don't have time to do it all. You are going to burn yourself out. Your DH is not a child, he either catches the bus, rides a bike or parks in a car park. You need a rest!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2014 22:36

Looking after a toddler and a baby is a full time job, there are Nannys out there getting paid 20k for the role.

And they arent expected to chauffer the parents, cook family meals or do admin/logistics for the fathers additional business.

grumpasaur · 01/05/2014 22:37

Op!!

Dude, I am going to channel a bit of anyfucker tonight!

You need to, hands down and point blank, refuse. Tell him now "I won't be dropping you off tomorrow or picking you up. I will not be doing this next week. Or any week in the future. You can scream and shout all you want, I am going to go to bed.

And DO NOT GIVE IN. In the same way you don't ask your son not to touch the hot hob, you tell him. Tell your husband and then just stop, and accept that your sons will recover if he blows a fuse!

He sounds a right cunt, and it sounds like he's a dick when he's around anyway, so let him throw his toys out!

ShoeWhore · 01/05/2014 22:48

Good channelling grumpasaur

Hope you get a good night's rest OP.

I don't want to repeat everyone else. But. What your h is insisting on makes no sense - quite apart from the fact it's totally unsustainable for you and crap for the dcs, surely the extra journeys must be costing as much as the bus/parking in petrol?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2014 22:56

Sleep tight love.

Another one here whose DH manages to bus to work and run home. Like a grown up. He also washes dishes and does more bedtimes than not. I'm not showing off, just wanted to say that if a hairy, un-evolved cave-person like DH can work this out, there is a reason why yours can't.

For the sake of pennies and 15 minutes, he would mess up your whole day, every day. Why?

He doesn't like you
He doesn't care about you
He wants to punish you for not working
He thinks his tiny wants are more important than you and your children's needs
He is a ginormous cock

Could be one, some or all of these.

Igggi · 01/05/2014 23:02

A 6 month old should not be in a car seat for long periods of time on a daily basis. He either doesn't know this, or doesn't care about the baby's well-being (or rates it as second to his at any rate).
I say this as often it us easier to stand up for someone you love, rather than standing up for yourself - OP you need to make the change for your dcs sake, don't feel you're doing it for any selfish or lazy reasons!

It's an odd one because he must realise the cards are with you - is he going to physically put you in the car to drive him? Or what can he do if you continue to do mornings for a bit, but don't show up at the end of the day?

Igggi · 01/05/2014 23:03

I love that he thinks he could run a business from home while minding the children - maybe you should let him try!

ghostmous3 · 01/05/2014 23:21

Im also willing to bet that he faked that asthma attack on the way home from work just so he wouldnt have to bike again...very controlling behaviour

LayMeDown · 01/05/2014 23:52

Love get this moved to Relationships. You need strength to get out of this 'marriage'. They'll help you over there.

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