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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to get into a routine? Please help me!

169 replies

strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 16:00

Since September DS has started school, and husband got a new job in the city centre with no available parking so I now have to drop him and collect him from work (we also have a 6 month old). Mornings are not a problem as DH starts at 9.15am so I can drop DS at school then DH at work and am back home with baby by 9.30am. But I am finding evenings hard, 3.30pm pick DS up, back home by 3.45pm, leave at 5.15pm to pick DH up and back home by 6.15 pm. DS needs 12 hours sleep on average, but takes about an hour to actually fall asleep, and I am struggling to fit in dinner, bath (every other night) and bed. I know everyone who works full time must do this every day, but what ever routine I try it does not work. I have tried 4pm dinner but baby sleeps through it most days and he is weaning so needs to eat too, and 6.15 bath, DS gets to bed on time but me and DH still need to eat. I have tried bath after school (does not matter if baby sleeps through this) and 6.45pm dinner but DS is so tired does not eat much and takes ages to get to bed as baby takes ages mushing food into his highchair and dinner seems to last for ever. Is there any way to get DS in bed by 7?? Help!!

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/05/2014 22:05

Say to him, you aren't asking him you are telling him.

You will not be taking him.

My god he's a selfish fuck.

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 22:05

Good idea I will see if a family member can talk some sense into him

If he won't listen to you, he is unlikely to listen to anyone else

I notice you don't answer the questions with regard to why you are with this guy................

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2014 22:06

Also, most men would say "as im driving to work, ill drop DS at school in the way. No sense both of us going!"

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/05/2014 22:06

But you clearly ARE working! You're cooking, cleaning, shopping, doing all the childcare, and acting as his unpaid chauffeur and personal assistant.

Do you even get any credit for helping him with 'his' work? I bet you don't.

You say he could pay for a parking space? Does he have his own car? If so it's outrageous that you have to drive him round.

BlessedAssurance · 01/05/2014 22:06

This is so sad Op. I have a baby and a toddler. The is absolutely no way my DH would expect me to do what yours is asking you to do. Why are you with this person? He is lazy and takes you for granted. He thinks being at home with a baby is nothing. Leave the kids with him for a few hours and he will change his tune. What a twat of a man.

Just one question Op. What are you getting out of this relationship?

Thetallesttower · 01/05/2014 22:07

Can I also point out- as if there weren't enough reasons this is terrible, that you waking at 4.30am and driving about after a broken night is very dangerous in terms of your own tiredness and exhaustion. I crashed the car after my second was about 5 months old for exactly this reason and I had a couple of near misses when parking.

What your husband is doing is dangerous for you and your children, putting you at risk through tiredness as well as a totally inappropriate environment for a small baby (and probably why the baby wakes so incredibly early, or at least it won't be helping this as they will be napping all the time in the car including just before the usual bedtime).

I'm so sorry OP, I feel like you must feel we are ganging up on you, but I feel the exact opposite, I feel really cross at your husband that he has put you in this position and that you feel so powerless to change it. You sound lovely but worn down.

What would he say if you said you simply couldn't go on like this? Are there any cultural reasons why you feel you can't stand up to him or has the power balance always been like this?

Original poster
strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:07

No I do not have time to go to baby groups, I am always in the bloody car. I have actually started crying now, he is a useless father I know that and that really hurts as he does not realise other DC have it better :(

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 01/05/2014 22:08

I just told him I am knackered from baby waking up last night and can he park the car tomorrow (£6 for a single day I just found a stones throw from his work on google) and he said no it is a waste of money it is too expensive.

So you reply - how are you going to get to work then?

You - need - to - take - back - the - control.

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 22:08

You do sound scared of him OP, feel quite worried about you.......

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2014 22:09

He is taking absoloute advantage of you.

nickelbabe · 01/05/2014 22:09

you've got to stop letting him say no.
if he sys it's too expensive you say "wellit'll have to be bus or bike then because I'm not taking you"
and follow it through.

he's taken onnself-employed work that you're ending up doing during the day.
fair enough doing a few errands on the way back from the school run, but you can't be expected to do tgat and ferry him around.
and ridiculous that he expects you to pick gim up.
at that time you should be sorting out thd children's evening routine and getting them fed and in bed.

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/05/2014 22:09

If he won't fork out £6 to save you stress he just isn't taking you seriously.

Do you have any concerns about him becoming aggressive? Is that the issue? If it's safe for you to put your foot down, then do. If it isn't, you need to start considering an exit plan, or risk spending the next few decades as his skivvy. You should be partners, not boss and servant.

Thetallesttower · 01/05/2014 22:11

Oh sweetie, I had a feeling you would be quite isolated - this keeping you in the car also keeps you away from socializing with others and just doing his business.

By all means carry on this thread, I'm sorry it upset you. You might also think of starting a thread in Relationships for some ongoing support, you sound like you might need it.

WipsGlitter · 01/05/2014 22:11

I agree you can't go on like this. But I think just not turning up and forcing him to get the bus will make him hate it more. He needs to want to get the bus. Can you not be able to get him for a "valid" reason, party or appointment or something, sort the bus times for him and once he's done it he might like it? Gets to listen to an iPod or something. Unwind on the journey.

Can you pull your DS in pull ups so if he wets it doesn't matter?

Is DP the lone wage ATM?

Original poster
strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:12

The only reason I am with him is there is not way I could leave DC with him every other weekend if we split, he would not care for them. If I go to the shop on my own I come back and DS will be crying as Dad will have shouted at him for something so stupid, and baby will be screaming in the cot. There is no way I could have the boys live like that every other weekend, I would spend the weekend worrying for them and it would be awful. The answer is to the other question that I do not get anything out of the relationship, just tiredness.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 01/05/2014 22:13

Are you afraid of him?

nickelbabe · 01/05/2014 22:14

he doesn't have to have contact every other weekend.
or at all if you don't want to.

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 22:14

he is a useless father I know that

I just don't understand why you would have a second baby with this guy Sad

Hope you don't have any more with him so he can't inflict his uselessness onto any more DC

RiverTam · 01/05/2014 22:16

you do work - you work at looking after his children, including a very small baby, which is totally exhausting in itself.

I don't know how to say you should go about it, other than cold turkey, but you need to stop doing his work for him and stop being his chauffeur. And he needs to start being a husband and father.

Could you show him this thread?

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 22:16

Do you have any family nearby?

Sounds like you would better of being a single parent and I don't say that lightly

You should start a thread in Relationships, where you can get more support like someone else suggested. This isnt a simple of case of AIBU

Wantsunshine · 01/05/2014 22:17

If you split he would not have to have the children every other weekend. He may not even want them overnight as he is too lazy.
He is not respecting you. You should not be driving him around. You need to sort out this situation.

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 22:18

Do you have any money of your own?

Original poster
strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:18

No he is not violent, if I said I will not pick him up he will just get angry and shout, nothing more. I said no to taking him to work a couple of weeks ago and gave him a bus time table I had printed off the internet, that is when he went on his bike and had an asthma attack. The bus is 5 minutes walk from his work and comes 10 minutes after his work finish time and takes about 30 minutes to get to our home, so he would be home only 15 minutes later than me collecting him. It is our family car I am driving, he used to take it every day before he had the new job and I would use it at weekends.

OP posts:
moonegirl · 01/05/2014 22:18

surely the £6 parking would make up for the amount of petrol you use driving him to work then coming home and then doing the same journey again in the evening?
you should show him this thread op, he sounds very selfish

Original poster
strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:20

I have some savings and would love to be on my own, he went away for work for a month a couple of months back and my life was so much easier. Won't I be forced to give him access to the boys? I though fathers had rights?

OP posts:
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