To not be able to get into a routine? Please help me!

[strugglingtodoitall]

Since September DS has started school, and husband got a new job in the city centre with no available parking so I now have to drop him and collect him from work (we also have a 6 month old). Mornings are not a problem as DH starts at 9.15am so I can drop DS at school then DH at work and am back home with baby by 9.30am. But I am finding evenings hard, 3.30pm pick DS up, back home by 3.45pm, leave at 5.15pm to pick DH up and back home by 6.15 pm. DS needs 12 hours sleep on average, but takes about an hour to actually fall asleep, and I am struggling to fit in dinner, bath (every other night) and bed. I know everyone who works full time must do this every day, but what ever routine I try it does not work. I have tried 4pm dinner but baby sleeps through it most days and he is weaning so needs to eat too, and 6.15 bath, DS gets to bed on time but me and DH still need to eat. I have tried bath after school (does not matter if baby sleeps through this) and 6.45pm dinner but DS is so tired does not eat much and takes ages to get to bed as baby takes ages mushing food into his highchair and dinner seems to last for ever. Is there any way to get DS in bed by 7?? Help!!

[Thurlow]

The way people manage it when they are working f/t is generally because most aren't work f/t with a very little weaning baby, and if older DC are at childcare, they get fed there...

It is not reasonable at all for your DH to insist that you put your DC in a car for an hour a day, taking up time that should be for eating, playing, bathing, doing homework etc so that you can collect him from work.

He has other options - a bus, the bike etc. And if none of those options are available then this is not the long-term job for him.

[Mutley77]

Even if you worked full time you would have someone looking after your dc until you came home and then you would just need to bath them and put them to bed. You wouldn't expect the child carer to interrupt the dc to come and pick you up from work. Your dh is talking rubbish!

[iwantsun]

Looks like she didn't take our advice and has put the kids in the car and dragged them to pick up lazy git DH

[Chippednailvarnish]

Stop being a martyr and tell your "D"H to make his own way to work.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Well, you never know, she might plan on talking to him tonight.

[iwantsun]

Why do people still call them "D"H when they behave like complete utter selfish imbeciles?

[girlwhowearsglasses]

YABU!

You don't want to bring kids home and then go out again with all of them! Maybe once in a while but not every day... What about when older one wants to play in the playground or go on a playdate - what about if you have another child around? Mine woudl have fallen asleep in the car at that time - which would make bedtime even worse.

If he's being really obstinate say you might be able to cook a meal with that time rather than being a chauffeur.

[frostyfingers]

Apart from anything else your petrol must be costing you a fortune......

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

OP, you have to be the one to sort this out. It sounds like you're worried about how he will react. Why?

Has he spent any time with the children alone? Is everything left to you? The fact that he thinks you have the easy deal is very telling. You need to make changes, it's completely unfair on your DC to drag them out because he doesn't 'want' to get the bus.

[minibmw2010]

You keep saying 'I don't think that will go down well' ... Well tough ??!? Does he consider the bus 'beneath him' ?? Tell him go grow up.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Is there a fairly direct bus route? Maybe you could pick him up twice a week, and get a takeaway on those nights?

Or tell him that if you are going to pick him up he needs to pull his weight and assist with dinner and bathtime. It's ridiculous that you should run yourself ragged. This week there was a thread about a 17 year old whose Dad didn't want to pick her up from work at 11pm once a week anymore. The consensus was that she was old enough to sort it out herself. Your DH needs some self respect. If you're not going to drive you still need to take responsibility for getting yourself about. Mooching lifts from you makes it seem like you're his Mum.

[AWombWithoutARoof]

If the bus is out of the question is there anything you can do to shorten the length of time DS takes to fall asleep? An hour seems a long time.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

It smacks of him thinking he's the most important and you should just carry out his demands over whatever effect it would have on you and the DC. After all you have it easy, he's the poor hard working man who God forbid should have to get public transport.

[addictedtosugar]

If the morning routine is working for you, what about getting a bike rack, and driving him and bike in for 9.15, and letting him make his own way home, with all his inhalers.
Saves the having to get into work sweaty and windswept, and needing to look neat!
But yes, he needs to get himself home several times a week, if not every night.

[Artandco]

If you manage to take ds to school for say 9am and eat him to work at 9.15am it can't be that far. Probably walkable in 30min. Or ride bike or get bus or pay for parking place in town

Crazy what you are doing. Dh and I take turns working out the house or at home with kids. Whoever goes out finds own way there and back, and then returns and helps with playing/ cooking/ bath/ bed. Any additional work gets done late in evening once kids are asleep

[parentalunit]

You must be exhausted! Put your babies to bed earlier, 10pm is rather late. If you edge it 15 mins earlier every few days, they can be in bed by 7-8pm which gives you a chance to get things ready for the next day. Ask your husband to do baths every night, but he can go easy on washing hair which only needs to be done once or twice a week unless DS has had played in mud

I don't think your husband is being an arse, he just doesn't see the problem. Some bus services aren't at all handy, perhaps he doesn't have a good bus option. Can he do a carpool with a colleague, or anyone who works in the same city center? Even if it's just for the evenings, surely he can see the benefit of not taking an hour out of your day, and using so much less petrol! Other suggestions: use a scooter; bring folding bike in am and cycle home; use a motorized bike which kicks in when he's going up hills and he can cycle the other bits until he's fitter; fork out for paid parking in the city center. There are lots of options, he need to figure it out. Bringing him in the mornings seems like a good compromise :)

In terms of meals, can you do meal prep at a quieter time? Veggies can be par-boiled, have couscous on hand as it only takes 5 minutes, pre-chop onions, garlic etc, have lemon juice in a jar in fridge, pre-chop salad/veggies. Wrap up fresh fish/meat with garnishes (lemon slices, herbs) in foil and put in freezer. Throw them in the oven with a couple of spuds, and they can cook from frozen and you don't have to think about them as they're cooking (takes about an hour). Play with a slow cooker if you think it might help. Serve fresh no-cook food, like avocado, berries, bananas etc. If your son is hungry after school, bring a snack for him to munch on in the car, that way he can wait slightly longer before having dinner.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

He should have factored this into his decision to take the job in the first place.

Tell him you are not picking him up any more. When he says that you don't do much around the house - get up calmly, get ready and say 'you won't miss me today then' and take the car and go out for the day.

Something has got to break here - don't let it be you.

[Aradia]

Agree with everyone else, he is taking the piss OP! You're not his bloody skivvy or chauffeur! Tell him to put his big boy panties on and get his own arse to and from work!

[PorkPieandPickle]

This is ridiculous! My DH bends over backwards to ensure i
'm left with the car. He doesn't even take a lift on the odd occasion I offer it as 'its too much for dd'
When he gets in, the first thing he does is take dd. a) because he knows I need a break and b) because he's missed her!

That is normal. Your H is not.

[strugglingtodoitall]

Thanks for replies. Just finished getting DS and baby off to bed. DS has always taken about an hour to unwind in bed, just singing and talking to himself. I ideally like to get him in bed for 7 which means he is asleep by 8 and then he wakes around 8, sometimes slightly earlier. Which is difficult to do with dinner at 6.45pm.Baby is breastfed on demand and will not settle until about 10pm, luckily tonight settled at 8.30pm!!

I just spoke to DH and found him a car parking space for £30 a week or bus pass for £15 a week. He is not interested :(

Also another poster was right, this is just the tip of the iceberg, in the evening he does his self employment and gets me to help him with it by running errands while DS is at school, which results in me having to breastfeed baby DS in the car a lot and means baby DS is in the car for about 4 hours a day in total including the morning drop off and pick up. My DH does not see anything wrong with this he thinks as I am not working I should help him with his work. To be honest I think he has taken on too much work and is getting me to take up the slack. I am knackered as baby is also an early riser (between 4.30am and 6.30am).

Don't know why I am I writing this as I will probably get flamed for being such a mug, which I have realised tonight after reading the replies, I didn't realise other people have such helpful husbands. Mine always makes out I am being awkward if I do not help him with his work.

[strugglingtodoitall]

I am feeling utterly shattered and cannot see a solution to this, I told DH how tired I am tonight and he shouted 'I know, I am too'.:(

[strugglingtodoitall]

I have to stay up until 10pm even though baby is asleep to wake DS for his night time wee, if I ask DH to do it he forgets and DS wets the bed in the night and then comes and wakes me :(

[Thurlow]

What do you think would happen if you said to him tomorrow "I'm sorry, it's really getting in the way with the children so I can't collect you"?

[Chippednailvarnish]

Just don't do it. He'll either go back to cycling and faking asthma or he'll catch the bus.

You are not his servant at his beck and call.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Sorry OP, but face it, he's a dick.