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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to get into a routine? Please help me!

169 replies

strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 16:00

Since September DS has started school, and husband got a new job in the city centre with no available parking so I now have to drop him and collect him from work (we also have a 6 month old). Mornings are not a problem as DH starts at 9.15am so I can drop DS at school then DH at work and am back home with baby by 9.30am. But I am finding evenings hard, 3.30pm pick DS up, back home by 3.45pm, leave at 5.15pm to pick DH up and back home by 6.15 pm. DS needs 12 hours sleep on average, but takes about an hour to actually fall asleep, and I am struggling to fit in dinner, bath (every other night) and bed. I know everyone who works full time must do this every day, but what ever routine I try it does not work. I have tried 4pm dinner but baby sleeps through it most days and he is weaning so needs to eat too, and 6.15 bath, DS gets to bed on time but me and DH still need to eat. I have tried bath after school (does not matter if baby sleeps through this) and 6.45pm dinner but DS is so tired does not eat much and takes ages to get to bed as baby takes ages mushing food into his highchair and dinner seems to last for ever. Is there any way to get DS in bed by 7?? Help!!

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 01/05/2014 21:32

What do you mean, he is 'not interested'?? Does he not understand that the current situation is unsustainable? He sounds very selfish or at the least, lacking empathy and understanding as to how it is for you. I honestly don't know what to say to you, sounds like you are bending over backwards to make everything possible, but at great cost to you. He's not working as a team and is not valuing your ( huge) contribution. What would he do if you got a job and couldn't pick him up..?

Original poster
strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 21:33

What ever I ask DH to do he 'forgets' and then the DS suffer. So now I end up doing everything otherwise it would not be fair on DS. They would be unwashed, in a wet bed and god knows what else if left to him, he just sits glued to the laptop or blackberry and 'forgets' they are there :(

OP posts:
Thurlow · 01/05/2014 21:34

It always comes down to one simple question: what do you get out of this relationship?

minibmw2010 · 01/05/2014 21:34

It's unfortunate that he's not interested as he does really need some way to get to work. Tell him you aren't doing it anymore. The kids are priority, and they need a better routine. And a small baby should not be spending 4 hours a day in a car seat if it really does not need to. It's not about being a mug but stand up for yourself. You keep saying 'he's not interested' as though he's said no and that's it. How is he going to physically force you to drive him if you say no ?? Ok he'll have the hump and might make home life uncomfortable a bit but he'll get over it but by accepting his refusal every time he knows he can get away with it. Either that or you just accept it. Up to you.

Original poster
strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 21:35

I think that is right, he is selfish and lacks empathy. He thinks I am lucky not having to work. He just cannot see the problem :(

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2014 21:39

One day you need to get up and walk out of the door with the baby (id advise lwaving Baby but I see he is bf),amd come back eight hours later.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2014 21:40

And if you tell him you are stopping the lifts, he will have to get interested in the alternatives.

Could you show him this thread?

FunkyBoldRibena · 01/05/2014 21:40

You are working - you are bringing up your kids. Seriously - if he thinks it's so easy let him have a full day of it.

PinkSquash · 01/05/2014 21:41

He is an arsehole. This isn't healthy for you or your DC (esp 4 hrs in a car seat for the baby- not your fault!).

What honestly would happen if you didn't pick him up tomorrow?

Scarletohello · 01/05/2014 21:41

Just a thought, is there anyone else that he respects that might be able to help explain things to him? His mum or dad for example? He doesn't seem to be listening to you do maybe an outside perspective would help. I do think he is a selfish arse but that's not going to help you so am just trying to think of who else you could get on your side to make him see things differently.

Thetallesttower · 01/05/2014 21:42

I don't think I have ever heard anything so silly in my life as a person with two small children driving a grown-adult into work every day when they actually have the option to drive or get the bus like everyone else. How does he think everyone else in his office gets to work? Get him to do a quick poll- he won't find one other single person who expects the full-time carer of the children to get in the car at 5 and drive through the rush hour.

He's utterly ridiculous and I bet you can't find one other person on here who does this or thinks it is ok.

Normal people either drive themselves or get public transport! I've been working for many years in my job, my husband in different jobs, we just make our own ways to work. Sometimes, if my husband is rushing to catch the train and it is pouring, I might put everyone in the car but my children are 8 and 10 and even then, more often than not he'll say not to disturb them.

This is a crazy life and no wonder you are knackered. He seems to think you can do a chauffering job, plus a courier delivery job plus f/t childcare. He is taking the mickey with his refusal to get on a bus!

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 21:45

Why did you have a second baby this guy? Sorry cant bring myself to call him DH. He is selfish bastard not to be interested

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/05/2014 21:45

He's an arse, sorry OP but he really is a selfish arse.

His expectation of what you should be doing is terrible. You do everything at home, he expects you to pick him up and run around after him and do his work as after all, you're doing fuck all else, right? He forgets about his children.

What on earth are you doing with this man?

You do realise if you split up with him you'd get more free time as he would have to look after them at the weekend.

He's not interested. Tough!! Tell him it's tough shit, you aren't doing it anymore and to sort himself out.

He really does have a low opinion of you didn't he? You are his skivvy.

DougalTheCheshireCat · 01/05/2014 21:46

OP you said you DH has summer holidays coming up? Will he be off work? Book yourself a trip away, now.

In fact I'm not sure you should wait that long. Go away with the baby for a weekend and leave your elder with your DH. He will be alright for a weekend. A bit of bed wetting / no bath isn't the end of the world and you 'd'h will soon remember.

It's easy to get sucked into doing it all while you are there. Your DH is being VVV unreasonable but you are enabling / perpetuating it by doing it all. Stop. Get out of the way. Let him do it, and make his own mistakes.

Let him see what it takes to care for even one older child, without all the extras you are doing for him.

Then sit down and discuss what changes you both need to make.

Why is he working so much? A job plus freelancing? If you new the money that's maybe one thing (though cars and petrol are v expensive you might be better off cutting back and him working less). If he is pursing a dream, it needs to wait.

You also might want to think about goon back to work yourself. My DH does much more now I'm working too. I find working + DC easier than being at home in lots of ways and this is partly why.

Seriously, the routine is not you problem, it's the balance of who is doing what and why. Yes he might get upset, but tough, things need to change. The current situation is not fair on your kids, or you. It is unsustainable. Good luck.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/05/2014 21:48

He cannot see the problem, no, he won't see the problem because he doesn't want to.

And he doesn't have to while you're still running around after him.

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 21:56

Mine always makes out I am being awkward if I do not help him with his work

I am feeling utterly shattered and cannot see a solution to this, I told DH how tired I am tonight and he shouted 'I know, I am too

his night time wee, if I ask DH to do it he forgets and DS wets the bed

Bloody hell OP, why are you with him? Confused

He sounds an awful husband and pathetic father

iwantsun · 01/05/2014 21:57

He's not interested. Tough!! Tell him it's tough shit, you aren't doing it anymore and to sort himself out

Totally agree with Pobble

okeydonkey · 01/05/2014 21:57

You must firstly put your foot down with the lifts. Especially the evening one. I like to be at home from 4/5 to start winding baby down to eventual bedtime. Also put your foot down to the errands. your baby needs to be on a play mat or playing with you not in a car seat for 4 hours a day.

HavannaSlife · 01/05/2014 22:01

Sod that, ds4 is 15 months and has only just started going to bed at a reasonable time of about 8- 8.30. If I put him in the car at that time he would sleep and I wouldn't get him to bed until 11.

Can you imagine what it will be like in a years time when the baby is falling asleep in the car?

He's being really selfish

Thetallesttower · 01/05/2014 22:01

There are also some recommended time limits for babies in car seats, that alone would make me say no to the second trip. Lots of places on the web state about one to two hours max. There's a risk of getting a flat head if nothing else.

So- you are driving him there, driving round doing his errands all day, then home to pick up child from school, then drive through the rush hour to pick him up just in time for bed for your school age child.

Spending most of the day in the car with your lo in the traffic.

Op, you must know something isn't right. Have you thought of speaking to a sympathetic friend or family member and asking them? I bet you can't make friends at baby groups as you have no time to attend them what with all the driving otherwise you would be chatting to other mums and know this isn't a usual routine for anyone.

Original poster
strugglingtodoitall · 01/05/2014 22:02

I just told him I am knackered from baby waking up last night and can he park the car tomorrow (£6 for a single day I just found a stones throw from his work on google) and he said no it is a waste of money it is too expensive. Grrrrr.....

Thank you everyone for making me see it is not me who is being unreasonable. I don't mind the morning but I hate taking a baby and a child through rush hour for one hour in the car when they should be eating there dinner (I also hate running the errands but rush hour is by far the worst). My blood pressure feels like it rises as the baby starts screaming for a feed and my DS is falling asleep, it is a nightmare. He thinks I am just being awkward though. Good idea I will see if a family member can talk some sense into him. Hopefully they wont agree with him!

OP posts:
mewkins · 01/05/2014 22:03

Bus or bike. Those should be his options.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2014 22:04

£6 is too much money?? £6 would save you hours of stress and faff with the kids....will save them sitting in the car for ages.

You arent worth £6?

Artandco · 01/05/2014 22:05

Hide the car keys tonight, then tough shit in the morning!

Seriously just don't take him and don't pick him up

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/05/2014 22:05

We need AnyFucker