to not want dh to come home from work for lunch?

[Cleohatra]

Dh has his lunch break from 1-2 and as we're moving 5 mins away next month he's planning to come home for lunch every day. We have three dc aged 6, 4, 2 and I'm pregnant with dc4. Dc3 sleeps from 12.30-2.30 and always has despite me trying to change it. Dc3 is high needs and an extremely light sleeper and there's no way at all dh would be able to come home and make lunch etc without waking her, thus leaving me with with a grumpy toddler for the rest of the day.

Once dc4 is born it'll make it a lot more difficult to deal with all the children if dc3 is overtired. I also think it'll be annoying if I've just got baby to sleep or toddler doing something without me and he walks in and disrupts it, particularly because he can then get called back to work. He is also likely to make himself lunch and leave it for me to tidy up. He also plans to 'pop back' for a 'kiss and cuppa' a few times per day and I just think I'll feel uncomfortable with the prospect of him dropping in at any point and would rather just get on with our day and see him in the evening.

However, I know it'll be his home too and feel I have no right to say he can't come home whenever he likes but aibu to find it rather annoying?

Your DH sounds really annoying, so it's hardly surprising you don't want him around.

That in itself is rather telling though, right...?

differentnameforthis if you read op
It actually says
Coming home for "kiss and cuppa"
A few times a day ! Few times a day ,was the point here ...

Agree with the poster who said about not interrupting children when they're at the childminders or nursery for this precise reason - it's selfish to disregard the fact that your brief appearance upsets or disrupts your childjust bbecause you fancy popping in. I might want to go and speak to dh while he's bathing toddler but if I do I know he'll no longer play with him and would cry if I left, so I don't interrupt.

Because dh can be called back at any time he won't start jobs. He gets home, wakes toddler, making his lunch is his priority in case he gets called back, so might put bacon or sausages or something on then disappear off to the toilet for ten minutes while I'm left with grumpy tired toddler, then he'll sit and eat while on his phone then disappear off back to work, leaving 4 yr old in tears if not at nursery.

Also agree with Amanda about feeling more pressure to look presentable. I want to be able to sit on the sofa feeding in my pj's if I want without being on edge that he's going to walk in and think I'm a slob. Also agree about needing time apart; he has a habit of asking repeatedly how I am and what I know - if I see him every 3 hours for the day then there's just nothing to talk about. I like the opportunity to miss him, not feeling like I have to think up things to talk about him because I've done nothing but breastfeed since I last saw him.

My high needs toddler is now a 10yo with ASD and ADHD. DH has been having to work an hour longer than usual, the past few days, and evenings have been hell as a result. So I do understand where the OP is coming from, there. And it's not just me who finds it difficult when DS1 is so discombobulated - DS2 got one hell of an earful from him, last night, and was rather upset.

Cleo, is your DH on board with the assessments your 2yo is having, or is he in denial about it all?

He thinks our 2 yr old is just high maintenance. He doesn't get how draining it is that I can't leave a room without her crying if I don't take her with me, that him doing something simple but thoughtless (like accidentally taking her favourite toy in the car) leaves me dealing with a massive meltdown.

Can you honestly not see a difference in the two scenarios mentioned?
Of course I can see the difference between disruption at work and at home. But it's still disruptive, IMHO, to have ones other half come home during the day every day at lunchtime when you have young DCs to look after. Especially if, as in Cleohatra's situation, the oh is breezing in to see to his own needs rather than joining in with family lunch in a constructive way. If its the way of a family to make a large bowl of soup for lunch each day and sit ound a table and eat and chat or hat ever, then maybe it's great to have dh/ daddy home to join in with that. But her dh is popping home, making a mess and not joining in.
Personally, I old find that irritating and disruptive.
It is as diarespectful of her day and needs as it would be for her to rock up at his office for lunch. She wouldn't be disrupting his work because he would be on a break. But it would still be a PITA (and most ppl would, I think, agree, inappropriate) for that to happen every day.
Everybody needs a bit of space.

I'm guessing he's still out of the house at work for at least 35 hours, so I think that's a fair 'bit of space'. The OP also deserves space and time away as needed (eg on weekends) rather than being stuck at home when the children are at nursery and one is napping. This is something that they have to work out for themselves, of course.

If he's not pulling his weight with the children/housework, then that's a far bigger issue that needs addressing, regardless of whether he plans to come home for lunch or not.

I agree completely with posters saying there would be outrage if the genders in this scenario were reversed.

In either case, I think it's speaks very poorly of your relationship as a couple and as parents if you can't find any bonuses to having your partner and you children's father around for an extra few hours a week. There's always the weekend or evenings to take some alone time.

If you stress the importance of not waking the 2 year old, surely he wouldn't burst in singing or go thundering around the place? It is hard to say really. I'd probably make him lunch when I made mine, (dh would do the same for me) and so there would be no extra mess to clean.
You could move to a really large house, with the kitchen far away from the sleeping quarters!

I really think there's a difference between banning him from his home (as is not being suggested Blythe OP)
And feeling put out at his coming home every lunchtime.
It will be disruptive, she's already explained how and why.

She is, IMO, completely not being unreasonable to be annoyed by his plans.

And no, I don't think those hours add up to "enough space" when they're punctuated by a daily visit midway through trying to get on with things.

Amanda with tea breaks too it'll be a minimum of three visits per day. He is on call in the evening and we have my dsc every weekend so there is no opportunity for me to have a break, ever.

Iif he blunders in singing at the top of his voice and wakes up the kids, or if he crashes around the kitchen leaving a trail of mess- of course that's unreasonable. But the poor guy hasn't actually had a chance to do anything yet as this is hypothetical! If he just wants to come home and eat his lunch at home, because its near his workplace then who the hell does the OP think she is, tying to prevent him? Just because she's not working at the moment doesn't give her control over whether he can come home.

I really hope the posters who are saying she's not being unreasonable would at the very least be consistent about it, and if the roles were reversed would say that a working mum shouldn't come home during the day to visit her DH and children.

Oh hang on, this is MN, there'd be double standards of course !

He's on call every evening? Poor guy. No wonder he wants to come home as often as he can. He must get hardly any time to be the 'sole' parent in charge, if so much of his 'down time' is spent being on alert to rush out again

On a practical note, I would build in some proper time for yourself OP... I know you can't go off out and leave him in charge when he's on call; you need to be around. But you could take yourself off to your bedroom with a book for an hour or so.

I think it sounds like a crap situation tbh... As a parent I would hate to have a job which meant working all day and then being on call every evening. As he's the sole earner I don't suppose he has much choice though.

Seriously- I think you need to build some 'down' time for each of you. Having 4 small children will be very tiring and restricting, but frankly so is working all week and then not being able to relax properly any weekday evening because you're on call. So don't make it into a competition. Trying to stop him coming home is not the answer. He probably needs those breaks because his evening time at home is never guaranteed. The solution is to work together to ensure each of you gets some 'down time', even if its just once a week.

Why would your daughter 'freak out' at the site of her own father?

Why would he make lunch and then not clear up after himself?

Why would he come home expecting to be 'fawned' over (or why do you have this view of him?)

Either your husband has a very unrealistic view of your family situation and the stress you are under OR you have very little respect for him. Possibly both.

You don't sound like a happy family to be honest

I'd also add that the idea which some posters have referred to about the pressure of having to make yourself look 'presentable' for your DH (as a reason against him popping home) is frankly like something out of a 1940s publication. Good god, if you can't feel relaxed in joggers and no make, and if he can't feel relaxed about popping into his home- what kind of relationship is it ?

I wonder if the lunchtime thing would be as bad as you think in reality. Perhaps if you set down rules for minimal disruption at the start and have a trial run, you might be pleasantly surprised.

As for the many tea breaks, I'd tell him it's fine to interrupt your working day (because that's what it is) as long as you're free to pop into his work for tea and cuddles with the children whenever you feel the urge, as it's obviously no disruption whatsoever.

YABU, but you are 10 weeks pregnant, moving next month and he has been stressing you out recently anyway - so I can see why you are feeling this way.

I cannot see a response to the question about how you manage with naps at the weekend? Really this isn't going to be an issue for long, you say you expect the toddler to stop napping soon anyway, and given that you have said that she actually sleeps more during the day than at night, then maybe this is a good thing? I assume you are not surviving on only 45 mins sleep every 24 hours, so DH must be sharing looking after dd during the night? It sounds exhausting and stressful. No wonder you are in a bad mood.

I really think you have much bigger things to deal with than DH coming home for lunch.

Ugh, some of you lot. I'd love it so there's no reason why you should object to it...... Seriously?

OP, I feel for you. Even without all of your back story.

I LOATHE it when DH just pops in. He used to work a 1 hour commute away. I loved it.

Then worked a 15 minute commute away - hmm, nice that he was home early, and was around a bit more in the mornings (well it was after I bollocked him for disrupting our routine and told him that if he was going to be there he had to stop being in the way and to start helping - the message was received! ) but took some getting used to, he would ring me from the car saying he was on his way home and would suddenly just be there - tad annoying but got used to it.

DH now works half the week a 5 min walk away - oh how that can be annoying some times.

Both DC are at school, I work from home most days, but even if I don't, this is MY space during this time. If he popped in whenever he felt like it with no consideration as to the impact on my day I would be furious. He only pops in unannounced if he has to pick something up urgently or to check something. Otherwise he rings me up and asks whether I feel like having a cuppa/lunch whatever with him. Sometimes he comes here, sometimes I meet him at the office, corner shop.

Am I being selfish? Too right I bloody am, and I have every right to be so. It's MY space during the day. Just popping in whenever he feels like it would be MORE selfish of him than my wanting my space during the day is of me.

I also work from the office sometimes, and will start doing that more as time goes on. I always check whether it's a good day for him to have me there in the office. Because at the moment that is HIS space, and it would be bloody rude of me to just roll up and expect to do what I wanted there, whenever I wanted. He will sometimes say 'not today' and I won't. Selfish of him when I have my own space there? Yes, but again, he has every right to be selfish, it's his work!!!!

Its called respecting other people's space.

But if I was living with your background?! I would be incandescent with rage if DH tried to pull this stunt.

Obviously by the looks of it there's a back story, because you seem to have a lot of resentment towards your DH simply wanting to come home for his lunch, it's his house to! I have in idea what your relationship issues are but you seem to be finding excuse after excuse why you don't want this. Now I'm not saying this is coming from you OP but there is a lot of anti men feeling on some if these posts Like someone up thread said, it's like well you've have me children now just get on with providing the money! In a bit rolly eyed at your 2 year old being hysterical at the sight of their Dad- this is an equal parent we are talking about here, not just some random stranger !!! Or don't you feel he's equal, is there issues there? All young children are hard work and having 3, soon to be 4 is a lot of work...I guess I'm a bit puzzled why you're having a fourth to, obviously you wanted to but you mention not getting a break, this is more unlikely with 4 children.

Of course YNBU just tell him. I've enough on at the moment love without you giving me more cooking and cleaning to do. He'll understand and if he doesn't he should..

Just an observation about the people who work at home who've posted... If I worked from home, I would ensure I had a proper study area and set work times and no, I wouldn't take kindly to anyone intruding on that. If, however, I objected to my DH coming home just because I was working, id be taking a long hard look at myself. Not telling him to bog off. Seriously: can some people not see the difference between a paid job, where presumably if you work from home you have to have systems in place for childcare and to have uninterrupted work times, and just being at home with your children? Sounds like there's a lot wrong with the relationship here

To clarify: if I worked from home, I would expect him not to disturb me if he came home. He wouldn't need to even see me or talk to me. But I'd feel like a right bitch if I told him he wasnt allowed to come home to eat.

janey he isn't the sole earner, I work from home. He has some weekdays off and goes to do a hobby so does get down time. He probably gets called out twice per month at most so it doesn't really affect anything bar meaning I can't leave the house. I can't take myself off with a book as the kids would come looking for me. It isn't hypothetical - he used to work closer and come home for lunch.

Without even crashing plates around (which he does) his phone is always going off at top volume and before he's even got in the door our dogs would be barking at hearing someone approach the house - there's no way 2 year old would stay asleep. Naps at weekends don't happen because the older kids are a distraction but justturned 2 is not old eenough to give them up altogether, particularly with poor nighttime sleep (45 minute cycles *MissDuke, not 45 mins total. And no, dh does not help with this.)

Tinkerball I don't necessarily want a break - I just don't want dh adding to my workload unnecessarily.