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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dh to come home from work for lunch?

162 replies

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 12:24

Dh has his lunch break from 1-2 and as we're moving 5 mins away next month he's planning to come home for lunch every day. We have three dc aged 6, 4, 2 and I'm pregnant with dc4. Dc3 sleeps from 12.30-2.30 and always has despite me trying to change it. Dc3 is high needs and an extremely light sleeper and there's no way at all dh would be able to come home and make lunch etc without waking her, thus leaving me with with a grumpy toddler for the rest of the day.

Once dc4 is born it'll make it a lot more difficult to deal with all the children if dc3 is overtired. I also think it'll be annoying if I've just got baby to sleep or toddler doing something without me and he walks in and disrupts it, particularly because he can then get called back to work. He is also likely to make himself lunch and leave it for me to tidy up. He also plans to 'pop back' for a 'kiss and cuppa' a few times per day and I just think I'll feel uncomfortable with the prospect of him dropping in at any point and would rather just get on with our day and see him in the evening.

However, I know it'll be his home too and feel I have no right to say he can't come home whenever he likes but aibu to find it rather annoying?

OP posts:
marleymooo · 28/04/2014 14:25

My DH's(self employed) work had been quiet recently so he was home at lunchtime. This worked out great as I had a newborn and toddler at home. Honestly there were days I was still in my pyjamas or not showered by the time he got back, so it was great to get that done. I ( and DS) miss him now he's back to a 12 hour day. I would never have begrudged him that time in his own home or with our kids. I know your DVD will be knocked out of routine, but surely the new routine could be daddy gets to come and see us for an hour ?

Rachie1986 · 28/04/2014 14:28

Id love it if dh was able to come home for lunch personally..

HaroldLloyd · 28/04/2014 14:31

Fucking hell what is WRONG with people today. Theo that was a spiteful comment and totally and utterly uncalled for.

Hoppinggreen · 28/04/2014 14:33

My DH does this and it can be annoying. My children are both at school and I work mainly from home.
He pops in, trashes the kitchen and then if I'm having a 5 minute break he suggest an afternoon quickie!!!
To be honest I find it mildly irritating rather than anything worse but we have no issues at all in our marriage.

HaroldLloyd · 28/04/2014 14:34

Are you sure he will wake the sleeping toddler? Visitors don't wake mine as long as he isn't bellowing around the place.

I can see why he wants to come home for lunch and I don't think you can really say no unless you try it and it's awful maybe.

I'd quite like it.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2014 14:36

YABU. It's his home, too. He can make a sandwich or heat up leftovers without waking the child.

Wow, how mean.

I'd have loved to have live close enough to come home for lunch with my husband and kids whilst he was SAHD.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2014 14:37

Hopping tell him to clean after himself! Ad tell him, no daytime sex, ever, so don't bother asking.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 28/04/2014 14:39

Dh used to work 5 mins from home and would come home for lunch. I always felt like I had to have the place gleaming else he would say something. He never did, and never would, but i had pnd and i panicked.

if he came home in the middle of the day and then left again 2.8 year old would be distraught. He adores his dad and gets upset when he leaves.

so YANBU op imo

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/04/2014 14:45

I do wish we could be warned that there are several threads of back-story when being given a situation like this. It's most unfair

FengMa · 28/04/2014 14:45

Any way he could change is break from 12-1, feed DC3 when he eats and put her to bed while you put your feet up for a few mins. He should have time to make YOU a cuppa and give you that kiss on his way out ; ) . You know what they say: make lemonade.

PS you're allowed to ask for whatever you need to manage your family while pregnant. It's hard. He needs to know how to facilitate, rather than make life more difficult.

Nibblyboy · 28/04/2014 14:47

i always laugh at a mate whose H negotiated a day working from home on HER DAY OFF.

He didn't get her disappointment!

oscarwilde · 28/04/2014 14:48

You could make him a sandwich in advance (so he can't muck up the kitchen), then hand him DC4 and said food when he appears every lunchtime and take yourself off for a nap. ....

I don't think you can ban him from coming home for lunch but popping in to have a cup of tea/poo is disruptive. I work from home a fair bit and actively have to avoid my kids at certain times of the day. It's not fair to just pop into the kitchen to make a cup of tea when they want you to sit down with them and see their nice picture/playdough mound etc.

Your DC3's nap times sound reasonable 12.30-2.30 for their age. Why do you want to change it? If he is v clingy then more sight of Dad might be a v good thing. Can DH change his lunch time to 12-1 so he eats with DC3 every day?

Hoppinggreen · 28/04/2014 14:51

I do expat , I do but he is ever hopeful!!!

ThisIsLID · 28/04/2014 14:59

I am with AF on that one. Home time is home time and work time is work time.

I would make it clear that if he comes back home you will expect him to fit into the routine, ie no noise at all as to not disturb dc3, help with dealing with the dcs whilst you are working, making his lunch on hos own and the fact that no one might be home depending on the time (playgroups, outings etc...).
Somehow I am sure that being suck into 'child-minding mode' as soon as he walks into the house will be the biggest deterrent ever.

ThisIsLID · 28/04/2014 15:01

btw having had an extremely light sleeper too, I agree that just making a sandwich would have been enough to wake dc2.
It never ceased to amaze everyone that came through the door when dc2 was sleeping but the slightest noise (incl flushing the toilet downstairs) was enough to wake him up.
I've spend months hiding in the conservatory with dc1 whilst dc2 was having a nap....

ThisIsLID · 28/04/2014 15:04

And it's not about stopping him from coming into his house. It's about him taking the needs of all the family members into consideration. And if this means making no noise at all between 12.00 abd 3.00pn the that's what it is.
If he can't come in and have lunch wo waking dc3 up, then it's up to him to deal with it in an appropriate manner. And this can mean him not coming back home at lunch time.
Same with the toddler getting distressed. It might be that said toddler will get used to his dad popping in and out. It might be that said toddler will get extremely clingy and distressed. Again, I would expect him to take that into consideration when deciding whether to come home or not.

supportworker · 28/04/2014 15:11

It's his home, I don't think you get to tell him when he can and cannot enter it.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2014 15:13

Imagine if the OP were a SAHD, and his wife wanted to come home for lunch. Bet the answers would be different.

peggyundercrackers · 28/04/2014 15:27

sorry but your being a bit or a drama queen - all your excuses about disrupting life are just that excuses. if he wants to come home for lunch so be it

Tricycletops · 28/04/2014 15:42

If my husband told me I wasn't welcome in my own home I'd probably divorce him. YABincrediblyU.

Lots of posters here seem to subscribe to the "you got me pregnant, now fuck off and earn some money because I have no further use for you" school of relationships. Depressing.

ICanSeeTheSun · 28/04/2014 15:49

I would love it.

My son has asd, routines are very important but after doing a course about asd ( 3 months) I do not let autism rule this house any more.

BackforGood · 28/04/2014 15:52

Why don't you say "It's lovely you want to spend more time with the dc, but that's going to be really disruptive with you popping in and out 0 why don't you just take a really short break at lunchtime at work, and then come home 45mins earlier in the evening, when it will be a real help to have to entertain the dc whilst I get the evening meal on?"

That way, you spend the same amount of 'extra' time together but you benefit from him being there, not get disrupted.

Lucylouby · 28/04/2014 15:53

When mine dc were little I would have loved if DH could have come back at lunch time. 2 year old stopped napping (it's quite common for two year olds to drop their nap op, so don't worry too much about how to keep the house quiet long term when the baby arrives), four year old would be wanting entertaining and newborn would want feeding/rocking/nappy change etc. the days were long and tiring. Another pair of hands for half an hour wouldhave been most welcome.

Try it, see how it goes and then make a descion. It might be that you love having him come home for a short while in the middle of the day. Or it might be that he hates coming home at lunch time, I have no idea why that would be and starts staying in the office.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2014 16:05

Back, a lot of places do not arbitrarily allow you to chose your finishing time.

Yeah,if someone told me when I wasn't allowed in my own home or told me 'work time is work time' there would have been serious words.

HappyMummyOfOne · 28/04/2014 16:11

You must be in love with him to already have three children and a fourth on the way yet begrudge him coming home for lunch! I would be lived if my DH decided I was only allowed home at a specified time.

You could swap places of it bothers you that much, you could out and be the main earner whilst he stays home. Somehow i doubt that would suit either.

Its a wonder any men get married. Pressure to be the main earner, earn enough so the wife can stay home, expected to them start the household tasks and got forbid they actually come home during the day!

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