to not want dh to come home from work for lunch?

[Cleohatra]

Dh has his lunch break from 1-2 and as we're moving 5 mins away next month he's planning to come home for lunch every day. We have three dc aged 6, 4, 2 and I'm pregnant with dc4. Dc3 sleeps from 12.30-2.30 and always has despite me trying to change it. Dc3 is high needs and an extremely light sleeper and there's no way at all dh would be able to come home and make lunch etc without waking her, thus leaving me with with a grumpy toddler for the rest of the day.

Once dc4 is born it'll make it a lot more difficult to deal with all the children if dc3 is overtired. I also think it'll be annoying if I've just got baby to sleep or toddler doing something without me and he walks in and disrupts it, particularly because he can then get called back to work. He is also likely to make himself lunch and leave it for me to tidy up. He also plans to 'pop back' for a 'kiss and cuppa' a few times per day and I just think I'll feel uncomfortable with the prospect of him dropping in at any point and would rather just get on with our day and see him in the evening.

However, I know it'll be his home too and feel I have no right to say he can't come home whenever he likes but aibu to find it rather annoying?

OMG this is taking control to a whole new level! He lives there! Of course he can come home if he wants. Yet another classic MN thread, where if the reverse were true and mum was out all day as sole earner, wanted to come home for lunch, and the SAHD was saying it would disrupt his routine, no doubt people would be baying for blood, calling him abusive or probably even suggesting that he had some ulterior motive and was shagging the next door neighbour while the kids were are nursery school!!
But because its the kids dad who wants to come home, he's apparently just an inconvenience who's in the way

Lighten up OP. Life is there to be lived... Heaven knows, your children might actually enjoy seeing their dad ... Stranger things have happened

True it is his house. True he might be doing it because he wants to see the kids but when he is gone the OP is left managing an upset child and later a grumpy toddler who didn't get their sleep. I think that is clearly the issue not that the OP doesn't want him there.

The 2 year old is extremely clingy to me so would be freaked out by him suddenly appearing.

A child would be freaked out by his/her father coming home?

It's his bloody house, you cannot prevent him coming home for lunch just because you don't like it.

I can't believe this thread, I know we always say is, but if the roles were reversed & man was trying to prevent his wife coming home at lunch time, he would be accused of using porn in that time, or having a woman over, or some other dodgy scenario that only exists on MN.

What if he suddenly needed to start working at home? I assume the household would have to adapt?

Leaving a mess for you to clear away isn't fair, but neither is putting time constraints on his usage of his own bloody home.

Aside from that, is he usually checking up on you and keeping tab on every move you make?

Huge leap there...just because he wants to come home for lunch, he is now keeping tabs on the op?

Tbh I wouldn't move house I can't even answer this...the lengths that woman will go to avoid their husbands.

I think he has an idealistic picture of him swooping in, us all fawning over him then tootling off back to work with us all waving cheerily. I don't even think it is that, it is convenience & wanting to be able to see his family. I didn't realise these things were so criminal.

They are two minor issues. Yes, minor & non issues, to be fair. Yet you seem to be trying to make them into massive dramas. If your dh suddenly got made redundant, would you still send him out the house during work hours, in order not to upset routines? Your children need to be taught to be flexible & allow for change & the way to do that is by having things that are are allowed to change.

Your dh is going to start to get mighty pissed off if he isn't allowed to enjoy his home in the way he wants.

it annoyed me to my husband used to be a carer and they didnt work all day so he popped back and forth he worked from 6-10 so could be in/out constantly it was massively disruptive for our son i was glad when he started nursery but we just got on with it i had to repeat daily (when is daddy back?) he will he coming home shortly (what TIIIIIIMMMEE!) 1pm then i would get is it 1pm yet? for hours it was grim to be honest especially as my husband had the idea he should wait up for daddy and he could put him to bed i was really glad he stopped that one tbh your husband might see your point when it comes down to it personally i would try and explain before it happens

Why should he get to swan in and out when he chooses without any thought to what the rest of the family is doing?

Because he is paying half for this home? Why does he NOT get to use it how he wants?

He isn't swanning in & out, he wants to come home for his lunch. I doubt the popping in for tea would work out.

I doubt the kids, when they are teenagers, will worry about HIS routine & sleep when they decide they want lifts everywhere & are rolling in at all times of the day & night.

It's a home, not a prison or some fortress that no one can be allowed to use, especially as that person is an adult who is funding part of the living that happens in that home.

Going by the info on this thread, op, what does your dh do at the weekends? Or when he has time off work?

Perhaps this is why he felt he needed to go away for a few days, so not to interrupt your routines or disturb/"freak out" his kids.

She thrives on routine and stability That is going to be out the window when dc4 makes an appearance. How do you expect your dc3 to react when you have dc4? I think you might find that you are thankful for your dh popping home when dealing with a clingly, easily freaked out toddler & a demanding newborn.

Better to get her used to small changes (like daddy using his own home at lunch time) now, than wait til a new born hits the house with full force. I think this could actually be a great way of getting the toddler used some minor changes in order to give her the 'tools' she will most definitely need to have, to cope with the appearance of the little being that will be, by default, more clingy & needy than her.

She NEEDS to have her routine disturbed & changes made so she slips into life as an older sibling a bit easier than she is likely to do so at the moment.

Yes, the baby may wake her but by then she'll be older and not need a nap as much. well she will, won't she, as currently she only sleeps for 45 mins at night.

Your biggest issue here op, which I think you know, but you are putting it all on your dh, is how your dc3 will cope with a younger child in the house. You say you are 10 weeks, so you have about 6mths left before dc4, I don't see your toddler changing that much, in that time. You have to see that your dh coming home at lunch time could be a help at that point, not a hindrance.

HaroldLloyd - What a bizarre post happy mummy. What about her post is more bizarre than a man being told that 'home time is home time, work time is work time' or the op being told not to move & to wait until the kids are older?

Coming home for a " kiss and a cuppa" oh dear ,sorry ,but that sounds a bit clingy / needy ... Bloody hell!!
My dh works an hour away, so this isn't likely to happen for us. But a couple of week ago he had a job to check out, 10mins in the opposite direction. On his way past the house, he popped in, gave me some flowers, a kiss, had a cuppa & went on to drive to work.

It never occurred to me that he was being clingy & needy..there was me thinking he just wanted to give me flowers. I will make sure it never ever happens again...

Surely DC3 won't be napping for much longer? It's hard to say, but with a child who doesn't sleep well at night, you can't count on when the naps will be dropped.

I might go up in flames for this but YANBU and I personally dislike when dh comes home for lunch. Then instead of something quick for me , I'm planning another meal, cooking for 2, extra dishes, plus I don't like to eat as early as he gets home.

I have no problem meeting him for lunch that is lovely like a mid day date. And when dc is home we eat later so the afternoon doesn't drag. When dh leaves to go back to work all of a sudden dc and I have an extra hour and a half to slog through until dh comes home again. Not fun.

YABVU, it's his home, he wants lunch, he's coming home to make it!

If he leaves a mess, ask him to clear it up.

If the two year old freaks out by her dad entering his home, that needs to be addressed.

My OH used to come home around breakfast time, great he held baby and entertained toddler, I got a five minute shower.

Baby and toddler loved him coming hone, new entertainment and they soon realised that he would leave again and no tears.

YABU. he should be able to pop in as he wants and see the kids or have a drink.
I think that the more controlling and tense you are about naps and changes the worse things are, relax a little and see how it goes before jumping to the conclusion that it won't work, it might turn out very well.

Can't you try it and see what happens? The children might quite like it and I know I'd welcome a bit of adult company for an hour. Oh, and the child who thrives on routine probably won't be 'freaked out' by seeing her father once his coming home every day becomes part of the, erm, routine.

Op I get it. You have a routine. Dh will disrupt it. I love my dh working from home but at the same time resent it massively on occasion. It is lovely to see him, have company of an adult nature but at the same time extra mess, excited and then disappointed kids, woken kids, phone calls or irritation frankly sometimes it just more bloody hassle than it was worth.

Have you thought about dropping into the office with the kids every day for a week? Put the shoe on the other foot. Ha ha! But that would be wrong wouldn't it...? Sigh....

OMG I can't believe that last post. This is a home , not a workplace. His home equally to the OPs.

I completely agree that he should clear up after himself. But to try to stop him actually coming home for lunch- unbelievable!

If the OP is this tense and controlling, it's not surprising the dd finds it difficult to cope with changes to routine. I just think its so sad for a child to be 'freaked out' by seeing her own dad. I would be making a stupendous effort to help my child to be more resilient rather than tip toeing round (literally by the sounds of it!) and limiting the times the other parent can spend in his house

Yanbu
Im not at all surprised at the quite aggressive responses you've had tbh.
Yes, it's his home too.but it will be disruptive. A couple of times a week might be really nice but every day seems like a bloody millstone.
I would find it difficult to get into a rhythm for the day and it can actually be quite undermining to have someone walk in to the middle of lunch/ messy play/ nap time/ nick jnr/ naughty step
I'd also feel under pressure to look a bit better if I was seeing dh in the middle of every day. Otherwise he'd be coming home to Frumpy wife rather than glam wife and I think that would potentially affect how he via me longer term. I don't mean I never let him see me at my worst or being casual but, although I'll probably get flamed for saying so, I do try to make a bit of an effort when we meet up at the end of our days because I thi it's easy to become dowdy and I'd rather avoid that whenever possible.
Time apart is quite valuable IMHO. Always seeing each other having to mop up ready break/ wipe baby sick from your shoulder/ do the laundry takes a bit of the magic away.

Maybe try to make the best of it.
Try to imagine how it can slot into your day and you can all get some benefit.
I think you'll have to suck it up

And ppl are being very short Sighted to imagine that dcs can't be disrupted by seeing a parent during the day.
When I collect ds from the cm, dd has to stay. The cm is very keen to avoid dd seeing me as she then wants to come with me/ play/ it disrupts her day. And I respect that because she's looking after my dcs and I'm not actively trying to piss her off just so I can crowbar in a few minutes "look at me, I'm here" time into our day.

.. Or to put it another way... Is the dh's office where the OP keeps all her belongings, sleeps every night, goes to to relax? Does she pay rent/ mortgage and bills on it?

If the answer to all the above is yes, then fair enough, do as the poster above suggests and take to dropping in with the kids. If not....

Well. My dh works from home.
It's also my home but I respect the act that he's trying to get on with his day and if I were to pop home every day for lunch (in the new magic universe where I have a lunch break and fly home on a unicorn) it would disrupt his day.
We have met up in the day. It's been nice.
But just because it's my home ( which I help to pay for and keep clean) doesn't mean I should be able to disregard his need for his own time and space during the day to do as he needs.

Yabu and mean.

It's his home too - so many men get slated for not spending enough time with their families and you want him to spend less with yours.

You're very lucky to see them all day - why shouldn't heget to them too??

Set some agreed rules - he comes in quietly (not sure how the dc will sleep through new baby noise but wake at an adult coming home) and tidies after lunch

Agree that you won't guarantee being home every time he pops in and that you'll go out and about regardless of whether he's coming home.

If you work from home it's entirely reasonable to expect peace and no distractions in your study space. That's entirely different to a home which is just lived in

Not if youre a SAHP janey
Why doesn't their time and routine and "workload" deserve the same respect?

Get him to do a few jobs when he walks in, help with lunches, put a wash on or nip to shops because you forgot something. It will soon wear off and he will find a reason to stay at work.

Yabu. It's a home. Spending time with their dad is important. You just get another routine with dad included. I think it's a lovely idea that he wants to come home

could you give it a try. maybe not every day but a couple of times a week. make sure he is very quiet so your dd doesn't wake.

I understand to some extent as my dh works irregular hours and he disrupts my routine.

TheRealAmandaClarke, can you honestly not see any differences in the two scenarios mentioned?

Someone working from home most likely needs uninterrupted time and space to complete their work. This work can't be done by their partner, and if it's not done on time or satisfactorily, the family income could be jeopardised.

A SAHP's duties - parenting and housekeeping - are shared between both partners. Ergo if the WOHP comes home for lunch, they could have a nice lunch with their partner, or jump in and attend to anything that needs doing with the house or children.

If the OP doesn't find her partner is sharing this workload when he can (like when home on a lunch break), then that's something for them to work out together. What's the difference between making lunch in the morning and making it at lunchtime? If your partner is selfish enough not to clean up after themselves, that's a bigger issue to work on regardless of what time it happens.

Another person to say give him a few jobs every time.

Hang out the washing, unpack the dishwasher, feed a child, get a drink/bottle ready for a child... Lots of little jobs that could be done in a few minutes.

If it doesn't stop him coming home for lunch, at least you will be getting a bit of help.