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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dh to come home from work for lunch?

162 replies

Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 12:24

Dh has his lunch break from 1-2 and as we're moving 5 mins away next month he's planning to come home for lunch every day. We have three dc aged 6, 4, 2 and I'm pregnant with dc4. Dc3 sleeps from 12.30-2.30 and always has despite me trying to change it. Dc3 is high needs and an extremely light sleeper and there's no way at all dh would be able to come home and make lunch etc without waking her, thus leaving me with with a grumpy toddler for the rest of the day.

Once dc4 is born it'll make it a lot more difficult to deal with all the children if dc3 is overtired. I also think it'll be annoying if I've just got baby to sleep or toddler doing something without me and he walks in and disrupts it, particularly because he can then get called back to work. He is also likely to make himself lunch and leave it for me to tidy up. He also plans to 'pop back' for a 'kiss and cuppa' a few times per day and I just think I'll feel uncomfortable with the prospect of him dropping in at any point and would rather just get on with our day and see him in the evening.

However, I know it'll be his home too and feel I have no right to say he can't come home whenever he likes but aibu to find it rather annoying?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 28/04/2014 13:13

I think personally that it would annoy me I would hate to loose the time I had to myself during a nap etc.

But I wouldn't tell dp he couldn't come home for lunch.

Seems very extreme that he can't come home at all.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 28/04/2014 13:19

I expect the novelty will wear off quite quickly. Smile

Pantone363 · 28/04/2014 13:20

Lunchtime YABU.

Just popping in 2/3 times a day NOOOOOOO

Ex DH would pop in and then go for a run
He'd come home for lunch make a mess and go to work
He'd come back in the afternoon for a poo

It did my head in!

hotcrosshunny · 28/04/2014 13:23

What needs? You say high needs but don't define them.

My two year old is clingy and grumpy but she's 2. They generally are!

Nomama · 28/04/2014 13:27

High needs.... you certainly do have them!

Poor bloke. He can have a family and a job that pays bills, a loving wife, a home that includes a kitchen with a fridge full of food - but only at specified times of the day?

Don't be so bleeding precious. Your kids will get used to it - routines are meant to be broken or you get martyred by them!

Sometimes threads here make me realise just why some men think some women are totally unreasonable weirdo's.

LittleMissDisorganized · 28/04/2014 13:28

Having just read both of your threads, it doesn't take a genius to work out your are more than irritated, you are properly angry with your DH at the moment - taking you for granted, expecting his needs to come before yours (all of yours) and behaving in a very self-important way. And so you're venting on here - which is fine, unless nothing but an overwhelmingly united YANBU is what you are looking for. In which case (from experience) you'll get more angry, because you need people to be ON your side to give your self-righteous anger some fuel.

So try and step back, acknowledge your anger by whatever way works for you (draw? cry? write a therapeutic letter?) and ask your DH to make time so that you feel heard and this can all be laid to rest. Neither of your threads are you being unreasonable but you can handle this unresolved ball of anger better. (Unless of course you can't, in which case you need to look in to some help).

Artandco · 28/04/2014 13:28

I think he should come home. Afraid youngest will have I learn to sleep through a bit of noise. Surely an adult making lunch, and chat with you will be far quieter than a screaming newborn you are about to have!

Also it will be a chance that if at 1pm your 2 year old isnt in bed as you had to sort baby sick or whatever then your dh can help either put him down for nap, or rock baby/ take baby for walk in pram 20 mins to get to sleep also.

When it's school holidays surely your 4 and 6 year old are at home also so it isn't silent.

Theodorous · 28/04/2014 13:38

2 year old clingy mummys boy freaking out at seeing dad-weirdest and saddest thing I have heard in a long time. I feel sorry the men sometimes in the middle class angst parenting world, I really do. Can you imagine being married to someone who policed your moves like that? Absolutely mental

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/04/2014 13:39
  • 'Hi love I'm home! What's for dinner?'
  • 'Oh sorry darling, you're going to have to get your own tonight! You know that you coming home for lunch woke X and then Y was so upset when you went back to work again that I got NOTHING done. Routine out the window! Oh and you need to put a wash on this evening and make sure you get at least a couple of shirts ironed - like I said, routine was gone today. Sorry! Lovely to see you, but you can't expect it to be the same as when I've got a good free day, I'm afraid...'

Repeat as necessary. Especially the no evening meal bit.

Theodorous · 28/04/2014 13:40

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SteadyEddie · 28/04/2014 13:45

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gertiegusset · 28/04/2014 13:46

Fucking hell Theodorous, that was rude.

Original poster
Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:49

Four children is hardly endless Theodorus and I work from home, thanks.

Her needs are currently being assessed hotcross She barely eats, doesn't sleep longer than 45 mins at night, is terrified of most things, loud noises make her physically sick and so on. I'm not pandering to her, believe me. Yes, the baby may wake her but by then she'll be older and not need a nap as much. Also the baby crying is unavoidable, him waking her isn't.

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 28/04/2014 13:49

You are clearly not happy with your relationship judging by the other thread that you have started today too. Why on earth are you having a fourth child??

Original poster
Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 13:54

Not wanting him to go on the piss for five days spending money we havent got or to come home for lunch and disrupt the kids doesn't mean we have an unhappy marriage. They are two minor issues.

OP posts:
OddBoots · 28/04/2014 13:55

I do understand all you are saying but I think it's something that you should try first, if you welcome him and give it a proper try but it doesn't work out then chat it over with him and if he's reasonable he'll understand.

I know you don't want the children disrupted but I'm sure you don't want him to feel unwelcome in his home either.

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2014 13:56

Maybe let him stay at home and you go out to work? No offence but it sounds like you need to get a life. Popping out endless children - a choice you made not a disease.

Spiteful, much?

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2014 13:59

Just because some of you would be thrilled to see your DH at any time of the day or night doesn't mean that everyone would.

Why should he get to swan in and out when he chooses without any thought to what the rest of the family is doing?

At present, he seems to be doing what he wants when he wants and sod everyone else.

With the information the OP has given on both threads, I'm with her tbh.

Floralnomad · 28/04/2014 14:02

I wouldn't worry about it, he may do it for a week and then the novelty will wear off and he will stop . My DH works a 10 minute walk from home ,it's really convenient if I need him for something in a hurry ,he rarely comes home during the day for no reason because he gets comfortable and then doesn't want to go back , hopefully your DH will be the same.

Original poster
Cleohatra · 28/04/2014 14:06

Floral We've lived closer before and he did it everyday. He likes to tell people he comes home so they praise him as they assume he's helping but disrupting the kids then messing the kitchen up and sitting on his phone isn't helping.

OP posts:
Purplehonesty · 28/04/2014 14:07

Ah so it's your 'quiet time' when dc is sleeping. I see what you mean now. It's also a good chance for you to rest and if you can get the baby to sleep too in that same time you will be able to catch up on your sleep.
At the same time I love it when my dh comes home, he sometimes pops in for a cuppa or lunch or just to pick something up.
However in your situation I would be a bit peeved too. You can't really stop him tho as he obviously loves his family and wants to see you!

thebodydoestricks · 28/04/2014 14:11

To be honest op it would drive me mad too.

But not sure what you can do. Don't make him lunch and just try to carry on as normal. It may not happen as much as you think and he might get fed up of it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/04/2014 14:12

I think you're looking for a problem where there isn't one.

Routines can be changed and children can survive them. Not wanting your husband to come back to his own home for lunch is unreasonable and rather unkind.

Artandco · 28/04/2014 14:17

Sorry I still don't get it.

He's an adult. He obv knows about sleeping patterns of your child so Isn't exactly going to come in shouting.

You can have lunch together, and him see baby a while

Afraid it's not usual to ban a member of The household from the house at certain times

fluffyraggies · 28/04/2014 14:18

Well - FWIW i love it when my DH comes home unexpectedly from work. I would love to see him for half an our at lunchtime each day. He leaves the house at 6am and gets home at half 5 physically and mentally knackered, 6 days a week at present. But then we're all different.

I understand there are bits and pieces that would have to alter with the kids if this were to become te new routine - but none of them sound insurmountable. What happens at the weekend? Confused Does DH have to stay in the cupboard?

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