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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner drinking a bottle of wine while 'babysitting'

153 replies

newmum000 · 27/04/2014 20:19

Out for the first time since baby was born (5 months old). Only out from 8.15-11.15pm. Partner drinks a bottle of wine while at home looking after our little one (she took a while to get to sleep but did go down eventually, apparently - I'm sure he mainly drank the bottle after she was in bed).

AIBU to be p*ssed off?

OP posts:
weatherall · 27/04/2014 21:26

How old is he? Is he used to lots of partying?

Did he want to become a dad and truly understand what a lifestyle change that would be?

Did you used to go out together?

Does he spend much time alone with DD?

It sounds like there's a lot more to this.

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 21:31

A couple of points to those people saying YABU:

1- if awareness is too impaired to be considered safe to drive how is it then ok to be in charge of the safety and well being of a baby. Not a young child, a baby whose requirement for an adult in control is still quite high?

2 - if a full bottle of wine doesn't have any impact on your capabilities because you are so used to drinking then I would say that is an issue. Alcoholics aren't always piss stained tramps in gutters. There is a growing issue with functioning adults who drink every day and never get fall down drunk. But they are still damaging their health and their relationships.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 21:34

I would drink a bottle of wine now as my kids are teenagers and fully in control of their own faculties

but when they were babies/toddlers...no, I would stop at a couple of glasses and so would DH (unless we offloaded them onto grandparents of course, which was a regular occurrence Smile ...)

TheScience · 27/04/2014 21:34

A whole bottle of wine sounds like a lot, but I will fairly often (once a week maybe) have half a bottle of wine while my kids are asleep. Not enough to be drunk, but I do feel it! I'm capable of dealing with an 8 week old and a 3 year old though.

BertieBotts · 27/04/2014 21:37

I would feel pretty upset about this the first time too - first time leaving your baby is traumatic even if it is with your partner!

DS is 5 years old, if I went out I wouldn't have an issue with DH drinking, but with a tiny baby the first time I left them, no, I think it would bother me. I'm sure that's totally irrational, but I think you do tend to be overprotective of small babies and that's no bad thing.

If there are alcohol issues in general perhaps it's that he felt he was "free" and you weren't there to "police" him - little red flag there re his moral values differing from yours. Yes, I think you have a lot to talk about.

Janethegirl · 27/04/2014 21:39

I think it really depends on the timescale the alcohol is consumed over, given that a healthy adult will metabolise 1 unit per hour. So a bottle of wine over an evening wouldn't be unreasonable, but a bottle over 1 to 2 hours might be considered excessive; but each to their own :) x

shebird · 27/04/2014 21:39

I agree softly. If a childminder or babysitter had been drinking this much while looking after a baby most people would be horrified but somehow it's ok for a parent Hmm

Original poster
newmum000 · 27/04/2014 21:40

Thanks for all comments, really, really helpful, and yours are wise words, AF and Tatty. I didn't give the whole picture, I admit (how often do we realise what the real issue is after focusing on a small specific one first, though?). And I do need to unravel the two issues as well...

Tatty - your advice to back off I think is certainly worth heeding...

I only wish your final words of warning didn't strike a chord with me so painfully. I guess that's what I'm scared of.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 21:42

Good luck, OP

and get your Thinking Cap on, love

I have a feeling there is nothing wrong with your Thinking Cap, just that is has been suppressed somewhat recently

Original poster
newmum000 · 27/04/2014 21:50

ha ha, AF, I think maybe I agree with that! But thanks, AF. The truth is (before I head off) is that he is 44, Weatherall (shock, horror), an old school party man in the fullest sense who did a lot of partying before we met and when we met (late in life and had a baby v v quickly). We've got our stuff to sort out, and MN not the place for me to do it! But you've all helped me enormously get perspective over this one issue - and I think i was being unreasonable... :-)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 21:52

44 is far too old to still have a hangover from partying

tell him that from me Smile

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 21:54

OP, forgive me for just delaying you a moment before you head off back to De Nile

is your take home message from this thread that you have been unreasonable ?

really ?

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 21:57

Listen to AF!

You weren't unreasonable. There are issues in your relationship and I suspect they are mainly on his part.

Original poster
newmum000 · 27/04/2014 21:59

No, I think I am reasonable to object to the drinking, but I meant focusing on this ONE event was unreasonable... I need to address the wider issues and also HANDLE the situation with him better
without irrational displays of anger and controlling behaviour....that's what's been brought out to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
newmum000 · 27/04/2014 22:05

I am laughing at my own partying euphemism... hilarious!! And yes, he needs telling, AF. It's all a bit sad.

Ok, I've got stuff to sort out with him. And thanks, softly

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 22:07

Ah, yes, thanks for clarifying. You have bigger issues with him. Fuck, yeah.

TheoneFKAMNwidowed · 27/04/2014 22:18

It is said somewhere(can't remember where, sorry), if alcohol was invented today it would be classified as a class A drug and be made illegal. But I suppose I'm over reacting because alcohol is just a bit of fun, with no repercussions?!?!

Janethegirl · 27/04/2014 22:21

Limited use of alcohol is ok, just be sensible for the majority of the time, getting totally pissed once in a blue moon is ok in my book, especially if it's for a good cause.

Janethegirl · 27/04/2014 22:23

Difficult to define good cause though Grin

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 22:27

Jane in exactly 4 months time I will not be pregnant anymore and will be at a stage of breastfeeding where I can dump a load (god willing) and I will have babysitting available for 3 DC enabling me to go out for a good friends 40th. This will be my first outing for over 3ish years.

I'd say that's the definition of a good cause Grin

CrotchMaven · 27/04/2014 22:28

What would he say if an actual babysitter drank a bottle of wine whilst they were there?

Actually, what would those on here who say he's ok say if their babysitter did?

Janethegirl · 27/04/2014 22:31

softly definitely good cause, enjoy your freedom :) x

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 22:39

I'm off to drink 8 units of alcohol and then offer my babysitting services for a baby under 6 months old.

Bet all the parents round here will be queuing up to book me.

Hmm
AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 22:49

I don't think that will happen, Basil

it seems it's A-ok if it's your own kid though

Newbiell · 27/04/2014 22:53

You can't not drink for 18years. A bottle is not excessive if you are used to drinking it.
You can call an ambulance you know.

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