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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

partner drinking a bottle of wine while 'babysitting'

153 replies

newmum000 · 27/04/2014 20:19

Out for the first time since baby was born (5 months old). Only out from 8.15-11.15pm. Partner drinks a bottle of wine while at home looking after our little one (she took a while to get to sleep but did go down eventually, apparently - I'm sure he mainly drank the bottle after she was in bed).

AIBU to be p*ssed off?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 27/04/2014 20:34

Sorry, 'babysitting' was probably a sarcastic swipe at my partner's rather limited involvement in childcare... (now I'm opening a can of worms!!)

That is the bigger issue!

MammaTJ · 27/04/2014 20:35

I wouldn't have been particularly happy with DH if he had drank a bottle of wine in 3 hours whilst in sole charge of one of our DC when they were 5 months old.

That is one glass an hour.

Tweasels · 27/04/2014 20:35

Did he know it would piss you off?

As in, if he's crap at pulling his weight, he'd do it deliberately badly to make sure he doesn't have to do it again.

CalamitouslyWrong · 27/04/2014 20:35

I think the 'what if he had to take the kids to hospital?' thing is a bit silly really. As others have said, you can call a taxi or ambulance (depending on the urgency of the situation).

But, the fact that you're so angry suggests that it's probably about his drinking more generally. You do say it's another 'bone of contention'. Do you think he has a problem with alcohol?

SpringBreaker · 27/04/2014 20:35

If by any remote chance your child needed urgent medical attention then he could have called a cab or an ambulance. He wasn't shit faced.. He was relaxing while your child slept.

Weneedtotalkabout · 27/04/2014 20:39

Well I wouldn't be happy but then my DH tends to fall asleep early when drinking and doesn't hear when DC wake in night.

Original poster
newmum000 · 27/04/2014 20:39

No worries, thronrose, I guess I'm angry about a number of things (agreed, AnyFucker!). Perhaps I do need to look at how I'm handling everything re baby / partner right now. Maybe booze was the excuse to feel cross again... I know equally I've got to let go if I want him to do more...

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 27/04/2014 20:41

If DH drank a bottle of wine while he was home with the kids, I wouldn't be angry. I'd be surprised (he drinks very little indeed) and I'd laugh at him. I'd maybe tell him it was stupid idea (probably when he was dealing with the effects the next morning).

However, I suspect that irresponsible drinking is probably something the OP's partner does regularly, which makes it very different. And the comments about lack of parenting involvement suggest that the problem really isn't a single bottle of wine while the OP was out.

EatShitDerek · 27/04/2014 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tweasels · 27/04/2014 20:44

I think the "division of labour" for want of a better term when you have children can be quite problematic. I remember BIL and SIL both complaining separately to me. Her saying he didn't do enough and him saying he tried his best but she criticised and nitpicked at everything he did. They were probably both in the right and the wrong.

Whether your DH should have drank or not isn't really the issue here. How do you feel he isn't pulling his weight?

GrumpyInYorkshire · 27/04/2014 20:45

I fail to see any problem with this whatsoever. Surely no different to you and DH drinking together while the baby is asleep upstairs?

In fact, this thread has driven me to pour myself another large glass of wine. I must be a terrible mother.

HavannaSlife · 27/04/2014 20:47

Me too grumpy, I'm about to start the second glass. I may even finish the bottle. Dp has gone out.

Laymizzrarb · 27/04/2014 20:47

If a whole bottle of wine didn't have much effect on him, then I would maybe be a little concerned. You have to do do a serious amount of drinking to build up a tolerance to alcohol. Is that your real concern, that he may have a real problem with alcohol?

Original poster
newmum000 · 27/04/2014 20:48

Agreed. I think the issue is about division of labour / his booze 'problem'

I do think he has a booze problem, but he won't accept that he does. He has cut down massively since our baby was born / while I was pregnant but he's had three blowouts since January when he has been incapable of standing up when he has come home.. utterly sh*tfaced. Only 3 though. The rest of the time he is moderate and reasonable (mainly) but he feels like a temporarily sober alcoholic, if you see what I mean...

but he is a good bloke! I'm also a controlling cow ;-)

OP posts:
GrumpyInYorkshire · 27/04/2014 20:49

(raises glass to Havanna, wonders if finishing the bottle would have a detrimental effect on tomorrow's 6.30am spin session)

shebird · 27/04/2014 20:50

YANBU this was your first time out since the birth so its understandable that you might be nervous. Out of consideration for your DD and just for your peace of mind it would have been nice if your DP didn't drink a whole bottle of wine while in charge. My DH likes a drink as do I but it is invariably me who will drink less at home because I feel someone needs to be in charge. Shame the same thought never occurs to DH Angry

Janethegirl · 27/04/2014 20:56

On my first night out after my pfb, I left dh in charge. Came back to find pfb building towers with cider cans, ok so I didn't leave pfb until she was around 18 months :), fortunately I found it funny.

Tweasels · 27/04/2014 21:05

I think then it's worth remembering that if he's a biggish drinker 1 bottle of wine isn't that much. My brother is a big drinker and he can polish of a bottle of red with lunch and carry on the rest of his day as normal.

His drinking is a problem if he comes in so wankered he can't stand up but it may just be a side effect of him cutting down which you acknowledge he has done. Regardless, it's about expectations and he isn't meeting yours in respect of being a father and husband. This doesn't make you controlling, not as long as the expectations are reasonable.

You need to get to what the real issues are here and have an open and frank discussion before too much resentment sets in.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 21:05

I think there is lots more to this, OP

You are all over the place. First he has a drink problem, no he doesn't, then you are the one with a problem, then you aren't, then you are controlling cow, then he is a pisshead

It might be best to suss out what the problem actually is here and stop buying into whatever justifications you have used so far about 1) him as a father 2) the two of you as co parents

It's not actually possible to get a fully cognisant set of advice and opinions if 1) you don't acknowledge yourself what the problem is and 2) you drip feed/don't give all the relevant info

Rivercam · 27/04/2014 21:17

I'd be upset if he drank a whole bottle also. That's a lot of alcohol in a relatively short space of time, especially if he drank it after she went to sleep. Even now, with older children, I always ensure that if my dh is drinking ( more than a few glasses), I will ensure that I don't drink much in case one of my children need me.

TattyDevine · 27/04/2014 21:19

I honestly don't feel a man who drinks regularly having a bottle when the baby is in bed is a huge problem. There are so many ways round the "problem" if something out of the ordinary happened.

If you go off on one about this, he's likely to do it anyway but hide it - it creates dysfunctional behaviour. If he does have a drink problem, its him who has to recognise it and deal with it if he chooses to do so.

I don't buy the "if you want your partner to help out you have to let him do it his own way thing" as such - its more "its his baby too and is equally entitled to make his own decisions regarding care" - its not that the woman decides the rules and the man follows them, or vice versa. You are equals, and adults. What one adult may do another may not. This can even exist within the same family unit.

From time to time my DH will swoop in on the weekend and suggest various changes. Unless he is here all the time and willing to implement them, its really not his call. Nor is it my call to tell him what to do with his time away from the children.

Different state of affairs, of course, if he drove somewhere after a bottle of wine. But he didn't.

People have children where nobody has a licence to drive. If an emergency happens, they are equally able to deal with it as a non-driver.

If I were you, and I'm not, but if I were, I would cease to mention any drinking related behaviour, unless it is having a major impact on your family finances or relationship. Back right off and see just how much he actually drinks when he's not being watched, having bottles counted, having sidelong glances, or any kind of intervention. He might be a "rebellious teenager" type drinker - one who goes overboard when away from you because he can - or simply someone who wants to drink more than he should and does regardless.

Anyway, the issues are sort of separate - you didn't ask him not to drink with the baby, you may have issues over his contribution, you may have issues with his drinking - its getting slightly jumbled and like Anyfucker said you need to separate the issues and deal with them as separate issues.

His drink problem cannot be your drink problem. It has to be his problem before he will see it as a problem. Otherwise you are the problem. If you see no end to the problem, then he is the problem, and therefore you have to deal with that problem - him, not his drinking.

Littledidsheknow · 27/04/2014 21:20

I agree with most posters here who say that having a drink whilst dc are asleep in bed is often no big deal deal (dh and I are about to open a bottle of wine!) but surely the problem is in the very young age of the child? Babies wake often and easily, and need someone who is not drunk to look after them. e.g. what if he warmed some water or milk for her and got it too hot? Let her fall off her nappy table? Those who are alone with babies ought to show a bit of restraint, surely?

PortofinoRevisited · 27/04/2014 21:22

What AF said.

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 21:23

Well I think YANBU. I think a bottle of wine regardless of tolerance makes you less capable of being in charge of a child.

Ok if your kids are older but a 5 month old isn't a reliable sleeper and bottle of wine + 5 month old could very easily = falling asleep on the sofa holding baby with terrible consequences.

He was in charge 1 night he could lay off the sauce to make sure all was safe with DD and you enjoyed a relaxed night out.

selfish git.

shebird · 27/04/2014 21:26

OP how would your DP feel if you had a bottle of wine while looking after your DD alone? I am guessing this is not something you would do which is why you find his behaviour unacceptable.

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