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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how many of you HONESTLY have checked your OHs email or phone?

101 replies

Littlewhiteowl · 27/04/2014 14:30

Im not flaming or judging. I just diddnt think it was something Id ever do. And when i did yesterday I was shocked. I know its easy to say dont look if youre not prepared for whats there. I trusted him and never checked his phone but I knew the password for his email address and something just came over me. I dont know whats wrong with me. They went back 3/4 years before we met and I was horrified looking through them.

Asking girls to send him naked pictures and telling them how horny he is and how much he wants them to full on telling women hes in love with them and long love letters. There were 5 or 6 women going back the 4 years but also emails to friends from his student days bragging about how he had had his friends sister one night and someone else the next day ect.

Im just stunned. Its not the man I know and love and now im struggling to believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I cant tell him I looked at his emails. I think he loves me and I dont think he would cheat but am I overreacting or am I trusting the wrong man?

I know everyone has a past but some of the things he was saying to girls to get them into bed was laughable. Hes just not like that now. I dont get it. Is this it for us?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/04/2014 14:33

I would consider what you did, a massive violation to be honest.

DH and I share a phone and he rarely emails anyone

But if he did, I most certainly wouldn't be nosing through them and going back years before he met me.

It's a bit creepy really.

YouTheCat · 27/04/2014 14:35

I've never looked. I wouldn't want to look unless specifically asked to by him. It is a terrible thing to do.

ToysRLuv · 27/04/2014 14:35

Not checked and wouldn't.

ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 14:36

I agree with Worra

I can't think what came over you either. I'd be furious if someone did it to me.

rubyslippers · 27/04/2014 14:37

Why would you do that??

rubyslippers · 27/04/2014 14:37

And no I have never and would never do this to
My DH

Original poster
Littlewhiteowl · 27/04/2014 14:38

Thank you. I kind of needed people to say that to me. I dont know what came over me either and I dont like it. I wish I could unsee it. You are right. I must just be in a bad place or something. Theres a lot going on. Its no excuse.

OP posts:
yellowdinosauragain · 27/04/2014 14:38

I honestly never have. And I know dh has a file in our filing cabinet with old cards and letters and other stuff from ex girlfriends. I have a suitcase with old diaries and simular stuff. It's never even crossed my mind to look at his stuff and I'd be furious if he looked at mine.

I'm with worra. This is a massive unforgivable invasion of his privacy. And it's his past. We all have one. Certainly the way I behaved when single bears no resemblance to how I am in a relationship. If you use this information to end your relationship you're very unreasonable. But if your dh find out I wouldn't blame him for thinking seriously about whether he wants to stay with you.

IMetAManWhoWasntThere · 27/04/2014 14:38

I've never looked through my partners (or previous) partners phone or email. I have no reason to.

If I went snooping it would mean I don't trust them, and if I didn't trust them I wouldn't be with them.

I'm private about my phone and emails - not because I have anything to hide but because it's no ones business but mine and I would be furious if I knew my partner had been looking through them behind my back.

UtterFool · 27/04/2014 14:41

Never and I've no intention to either. Although I'm glad she doesn't read my posts on here!

Rowood · 27/04/2014 14:42

Yes I do and find out loads if stuff he hasn't mentioned.... He looks at mine too if it's around.
Doesn't work for most but we are both ok with it....

RaspberryBeret34 · 27/04/2014 14:43

I never checked my ex's once in 8 years, then one time I did go into his office and check (found a couple of friendly emails - no kisses or anything - with a girl I knew but didn't think much of it, felt bad for checking!). I found out a year later he was having an affair with her for 2+ years, from before I was pregnant, I left when DS was 9 months.

In the end he denied the affair after I'd been told by a friend (and it all fitted perfectly so I just knew it was true) so I checked his email again, just so I could say to him "I KNOW, I found emails...".

I'm with a new man now and wouldn't dream of checking up on him in any way (only 4 months in though). However, if someone is behaving really awfully/strangely and nothing you say/do gets through to them, sometimes it feels like the only option and I think is sometimes gut instinct kicking in that something is very wrong and you need to find out what. It wouldn't be something I'd do routinely though.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/04/2014 14:45

I wouldn't look at emails as its like opening their post (which does happen to be illegal).
Its personal or business and I'm not bothered really, he is the same and wouldn't dream of looking at mine.
There's nothing to hide, it's about respecting each other.
I suppose if there are trust issues in your relationship then this is different, but can't think of another reason to look.

Tired10years · 27/04/2014 14:45

I think you should let it go so long as none if it happened while you were together. I cringe when I think of some of the texts I've sent and what makes me wince to remember now was fun at the time. We are all a combination of good stuff and things we have tried out in the past to bring us to where we are now. Try to chuckle about it. At least he wasn't boring!

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 14:51

I haven't with my DH and never had to from the minute we met - I have absolute trust in him.

However, in the past I have checked up on a boyfriend. I checked his FB account, his email account and once I actually rang up the phone company of his mobile and managed to wangle out of them his passwords for his online phone bills - I did this by acting sweet and innocent and providing a very believable story/lie as to why I needed it....

Did I feel guilty? Not at all.
I knew he was cheating on me and just needed the proof - which I got.

He was an absolute wanker to me during the whole relationship though (over 2 years together) hence why I didn't care about 'violating his privacy' when I did what I did.

What you read was in the past, I dread to think what my DH's past was like!! You say he isn't the same man now so you have no reason to doubt his commitment to you.....or do you??

jjsuk1 · 27/04/2014 14:53

Not only is what you did creepy, a violation of trust and unreasonable but it's also illegal under the computer misuse act. I often read about all these women in these forums stealing phones and going through them, it's completely illegal. It is enough to give you a criminal record.

RigglinJigglin · 27/04/2014 14:59

As another poster mentioned DH and I often share each other's phones, I have nothing to hide and not does he. Not that I'm bothered checking anyway, I should imaging it's boring footy mates, and mine are all asos receipts family emails.

morethan just to be clear opening someone's post is not illegal, it's only illegal if you intend to do something malicious with it.

Pagwatch · 27/04/2014 15:02

Nope.

If I ever caught myself thinking 'ooh I ought to check his emails' then we would be done. I would end it.

Freckletoes · 27/04/2014 15:09

I've read his texts and emails and open his post. He does the same to me and used to regularly be on my FB account until I made him get his own! We have joint finances and equal access to it all. We have nothing to hide, are married and co-parent our kids. Why wouldn't this be OK? Confused

Joysmum · 27/04/2014 15:10

I'd be happy to have it done to me.

I've checked my DH's phone and emails and it wouldn't bother me for him to check mine in terms of invasion of privacy.

What would bother me was lack of trust. However I'd fully appreciate that this would come from a lack of self esteme of the person doing the checking and not necessarily a reflection of the person doing the checking.

To clarify this, I have self esteme issues. I think my DH could do a lot better than me. It amazes me that he doesn't want to. My fears come from me, not anything he does.

Because I see it that way, I wouldn't be angry if he felt the same, I'd be sad if he didn't feel 100% confident in me because I know how awful that feels.

Joysmum · 27/04/2014 15:13

..not a reflection of the person being checked

Pagwatch · 27/04/2014 15:15

Freckletoes

There is a difference between two people who leave their phones lying about, email accounts open and red any mail regardless of who it is addressed to, and deliberately snooping in anticipation of finding shit out.

The op is asking about the later I think.

DrFunkesFamilyBandSolution · 27/04/2014 15:18

We read each others emails/texts and letters if one is vliser to the phone/we're waiting for a specific email/post to come through an we know each others password (oddly we had the same pin number when we met!) but I would never snoop through his stuff.

You can't be pissed at him for how he behaved before you got together,are you the exact same person you were 3/4 years before you met?
If you snooped through everything, i take it there was nothing dated in the time you've been together?
If it's going to eat you upinside and get you pissed at him for no reason, you need to tell him so he can decide what to do.

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 15:23

DH and I go into each other emails, by not each other's texts.

I don't tell my DH every thing and if a friend messages me with a problem or news ( like pregnancy) that they want to keep private I respect their privacy. I would be fuming if DH went through my phone.

EurotrashGirl · 27/04/2014 15:25

Writer if he was an absolute wanker, and you weren't married to him, why didn't you just break up with him? Why did you need proof that he was cheating on you? This is a serious question, I'm not being judgmental.

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