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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how many of you HONESTLY have checked your OHs email or phone?

101 replies

Littlewhiteowl · 27/04/2014 14:30

Im not flaming or judging. I just diddnt think it was something Id ever do. And when i did yesterday I was shocked. I know its easy to say dont look if youre not prepared for whats there. I trusted him and never checked his phone but I knew the password for his email address and something just came over me. I dont know whats wrong with me. They went back 3/4 years before we met and I was horrified looking through them.

Asking girls to send him naked pictures and telling them how horny he is and how much he wants them to full on telling women hes in love with them and long love letters. There were 5 or 6 women going back the 4 years but also emails to friends from his student days bragging about how he had had his friends sister one night and someone else the next day ect.

Im just stunned. Its not the man I know and love and now im struggling to believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I cant tell him I looked at his emails. I think he loves me and I dont think he would cheat but am I overreacting or am I trusting the wrong man?

I know everyone has a past but some of the things he was saying to girls to get them into bed was laughable. Hes just not like that now. I dont get it. Is this it for us?

OP posts:

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 27/04/2014 15:26

I once looked at an ex's texts. I will never regret it as even though it was morally wrong it gave me the impetus to end a very suspect relationship.

In your situation OP I would think that (provided the dodgy emails were pre-you) it is a measure of how much he loves you that he doesn't behave like that anymore.

If you are otherwise happy let the past be the past.

VikingLady · 27/04/2014 15:29

I checked everything of DH's soon after we first got together. He was in his 30s and still living with his parents, hadn't had many relationships before and none particularly long term, and when I stayed over a couple of months into our relationship the police called round to question him about a missing girl from a few years before. All fine btw! (They were rechecking info from all her friends, I spoke to some).

I'd think anyone who didn't check up in similar circumstances was so naive they shouldn't be allowed out alone!

EurotrashGirl · 27/04/2014 15:31

Freckletoes its perfectly ok if you are both happy with the arrangement. I think this thread is about doing it without the other person's knowledge.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/04/2014 15:31

DH and I trust each other a good deal and though we share an email rarely read stuff to the other person.
But I think maybe there was/is something in your relationship that meant you weren't confident to trust him, hence looking, which rather confirmed your fears.
I don't judge you as much as others for looking.

BellaVita · 27/04/2014 15:34

Never.

Mintyy · 27/04/2014 15:35

I have never done it. Honestly.

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 15:35

No I have never checked my OH's email or texts.

I totally understand OP why you are shocked at what you found. I would be questioning his attitude towards women as it doesn't sound good.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 27/04/2014 15:36

As others have said, I have never looked. If I felt the need to look then that would mean I didn't trust him, and that is a deal breaker anyway.

Mintyy · 27/04/2014 15:36

If I haven't got my glasses to hand I often ask my dh to read texts I've received or reply to them for me. My phone is always lying around, as it his.

rabbitrisen · 27/04/2014 15:38

If I had big doubts I would.
I would much rather know if I was being taken for a ride/mug. That would override the snoop issue for me.
Priorities and all that.

But I wouldnt take too much notice of what went on before we got together. I most certainly would after though!

rabbitrisen · 27/04/2014 15:39

I think that if I were you, I would leave it? Not sure tbh. Easy to post on here, but in rl, I am not the sort to brush things under the carpet very easily.

Sounds like you have trust issues now though.
Did you not trust him before?

rabbitrisen · 27/04/2014 15:40

DH looked at my computer history favorites once. Declared it deadly dull.

AnnieLobeseder · 27/04/2014 15:41

DH and I are absolutely open with our phones, emails and all other accounts, so while I have been through DH's emails, it has been to locate a specific message to find out details of something, not snooping for any incriminating evidence. If he suddenly locked me out of any of his accounts, I'd be very suspicious.

I don't judge you for looking, I'm sure something must have prompted you, consciously or unconsciously. The problem with looking, however, is that now you know and can't un-know. The Pandora's box is open and you have permanently changed your relationship, if not ruined it completely (unless you found evidence that he has cheated on you, in which case he ruined it).

You say you can't reconcile what you read with who you think you OH is, your opinion of him is now changed forever. The question is how to go forward - will you just keep quiet and internally adjust or speak to him about it, and risk his anger over your prying.

PrincessBabyCat · 27/04/2014 15:42

Pssh.. My husband is an over sharer. There is nothing I would find in texts or email that he hasn't already told me. No I don't go through his emails, phone, or browsing history. As far as I know, he doesn't go through mine. If I do, he's there and I'm helping him find a shipping receipt or something.

I'll tease him sometimes when he's texting/messaging a girl from work and ask what he's saying. He just shows me no problem. It's always something boring. He's pretty oblivious to girls hitting on him anyway, last girl asked to meet up with him and he came home going "X wants to meet me for coffee. Want to come? She's a friend! You haven't met her yet". He has another girl that wanted to meet up with him in the city. Asked me to come along. I asked him if she knew I was coming, and he couldn't figure out why she would mind because he wants to show off his new baby and introduce me. LOL Suddenly she now has a friend coming with her next weekend for us all to hang (and the baby's got a sitter, because she's not going out in a crowded area at only 4 weeks old and I need a day out). I'm not one to talk though, because I've grabbed lunch and hung out with male coworkers plenty of times (and yes, hubby is always invited if he wanted to go).

Honestly, I wouldn't think much of it. If it were my partner, I'd tease him about how he obviously changed his game.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 15:51

euro - I stayed with him for so long because I was weak and believed his endless promises that he would change. I also believed I loved him and believed he loved me so just kept forgiving him and swallowing all his crap excuses for his behaviour. I actually met up with the OW behind his back in order to get the truth and even after I confronted him he still managed to talk his way out of it. He was very manipulative and I was very pathetic. I look back on my. Time with him now and all the really shitty things he was up to and I honestly can't believe I stayed with. Him. I was a total idiot.

missangry · 27/04/2014 15:55

I've never checked DH's emails or texts, nor of any partner I had before him. I'd be grossly offended if he looked through my emails or texts. I probably have some dodgy emails in old accounts (mostly dormant now though) as I was pretty, um, carefree back in the day. I'm not ashamed of it, DH has some vague idea and it's not how I behave around men now. But it would feel like a betrayal to have someone snoop through it.

I'm certain that DH wouldn't have that sort of behaviour lurking in his past though, he's a proper gentleman, but tbh I wouldn't be bothered if he had. What's past is past, our relationship is about the now.

Jolleigh · 27/04/2014 16:02

I did for a while after DP cheated. I needed to for my sanity as absolutely everything he did got me paranoid. I'm pretty sure he knows I was doing it to be fair but it's not something I'm proud of. We're in a much better place now and I wouldn't dream of it...I'd be ashamed if I did it now.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/04/2014 16:10

I haven't ever looked at dh's work email account, nor have I checked the texts on his phone - but the fact that, when he's driving, and his phone gets a text or an email, he is happy for me to open it up and read it to him, tells me there's probably nothing on there he isn't happy for me to see - if that makes sense?

At home, we have a shared email account anyway, so I can see anything that comes to that account - and I've seen no indications of him having any other accounts.

Andrewofgg · 27/04/2014 16:20

Never looked unless asked to.

Original poster

Littlewhiteowl · 27/04/2014 16:23

Thanks everyone. I think the fact I've even had to ask this question in the first place tells me that I know its really wrong. Its more a case of Is he the person I think he is. And I know im really in the wrong for even ever looking.

Its just my last relationship I was screwed over to the point of absolute cruelty and the lies almost ruined my life (that he told.. not me!) and i just felt so naiive afterwards. I think greenwinter has hit it spot on his attitude to women worrys me and am I just another one that is believing all the crap?

I know it doesnt make it better but what made me check (id have never have thought to before) was the other night he was going through his emails moaning about how many of them have been from me in a jokey way and as he was flicking through the pages really fast saying look how many are from you, at the end i got a flash of a page from someone who i knew was his ex and i could see there were loads of emails but I couldnt see dates. I know i should have just asked him right out but i diddnt want him to think I was questioning his trust and to hurt him. but clearly I was as i logged on to check and when I found them, they were in his deleted box, he must have felt bad that they flicked up and deleted them but there was loads of them and I just felt sick and became intruiged, I know i should never have done it and I feel bad for even writing this out. Do you think if we just move on things will be ok? He has no idea I checked. Or do you think it will seriously affect our relationship?

I am a reasonable enough person its not like I have jealously issues or anything like that, I must just be finding it hard to trust again. Its certainly not a habit I want to get into. One of the things that did really bother me though is some of the gifts I got at christmas. At the time they seemed a little random but after flicking through he ordered them all 2 years ago for someone else but he had broken up with them just before christmas. Very specific gifts that are exactly the same. Am I wrong to feel a little pissed off at that?

OP posts:

shewhowines · 27/04/2014 16:24

We could easily if we wanted. I haven't and I doubt he would. As others have said, if I didn't trust him, our relationship would be in trouble anyway.
There are loads of old letters in the attic from a variety of old boyfriends. I would absolutely die if they got into dh's or dc's hands. I suppose I ought to get rid of them. Would have to recruit DH in helping me to find them though. I can't get into the attic. Perhaps we need to buy a loft ladder...

whattowatchnext · 27/04/2014 16:46

oh god, people soooo need to get over themselves. I regularly look at DHs and he looks at mine. For things like online orders, bookings, details of stuff each other needs to know....we have no secrets from each other. If I leave my phone about he might nose through my texts. Then comment on something something, eg, oh I didn't know X was pregnant. I'll do the same to him. It's so not a big deal! Illegal? God I've heard everything on MN now! I'd be more concerned if my DH didn't want me to look at his texts and emails.

Pagwatch · 27/04/2014 16:54

Oh don't be dim whattowatchnext
That's what people are saying - that a normal relationship is open but that sneaking a phone way to research what a DP/DH is up to is wrong on every level.

whatever5 · 27/04/2014 16:57

I've never looked through DHs e mails or texts but I probably would if I was suspicious about anything (if I knew his passwords or how to use his phone, that is).

OP, if the emails/texts were sent before you met, I would forget about them. It's not really relevant to your relationship.

Pagwatch · 27/04/2014 16:58

Gosh, that was rude. Sorry.

It's just 'get over themselves' pisses me off. But I shouldn't be rude.

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