to ask how many of you HONESTLY have checked your OHs email or phone?

[Littlewhiteowl]

Im not flaming or judging. I just diddnt think it was something Id ever do. And when i did yesterday I was shocked. I know its easy to say dont look if youre not prepared for whats there. I trusted him and never checked his phone but I knew the password for his email address and something just came over me. I dont know whats wrong with me. They went back 3/4 years before we met and I was horrified looking through them.

Asking girls to send him naked pictures and telling them how horny he is and how much he wants them to full on telling women hes in love with them and long love letters. There were 5 or 6 women going back the 4 years but also emails to friends from his student days bragging about how he had had his friends sister one night and someone else the next day ect.

Im just stunned. Its not the man I know and love and now im struggling to believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I cant tell him I looked at his emails. I think he loves me and I dont think he would cheat but am I overreacting or am I trusting the wrong man?

I know everyone has a past but some of the things he was saying to girls to get them into bed was laughable. Hes just not like that now. I dont get it. Is this it for us?

DH happily checks his email on the desktop right in front of me.

Even if he didn't, I feel no need to snoop.

He must have a lot of memory on his phone to be storing emails that old.

Was he very young and ignorant when he made the sluts comment? I imagine lots of young daft lads do, such is our fucked up culture. Perhaps some of them are "saved" by women like you?

All the best for you and your DSs health.

Well, the response in AIBU is very different to the one you'd get in Relationships!

I would never do this to my (sadly hypothetical!) partner as I'd feel awful, unless maybe they were really horrible and I was sure they were hiding something - although in that case I'd hope to have the guts to leave them anyway, proof or no. If someone I was close to did it to me I think it would depend on what they did and their motivation for it - if I left my facebook/email logged in and they thought 'ooh that's interesting, I'll have a quick look at who she's been talking to' then that would be very different to if they deliberately obtained my password, or were checking up on me because they were suspicious of something, or read through my conversations. Not least because that would be a massive violation of the other person's privacy too.

I read exh emails which confirmed that he had been cheating on me with a nasty skanky whore for a while, I was pregnant and he was being and still is a complete arsehole trying to get me to have a termination the information was useful for the divorce. I had a gut feeling he was cheating so many things didnt add up, I had trusted him so never felt the need previously, this just confirmed his lies.

It is not something I had ever done before and I would not do it with my partner as others have said if I felt that I didnt trust them then I would finish it, checking phones or emails wouldnt help the lack of trust, sometimes you have to rely on gut instinct

littlewhiteowl I dont really understand why you are getting so worked up about old emails that are not about you, do not show him cheating on you or being disrespectful about you, as far as I can make out these are in the past when he was quite possibly immature and hormone driven, look at how he is with you now not how he behaved in his past.

Yes but he was unfaithful last year and I feel I have every right to. He gave me all his passwords, etc. he fully agrees with me. I never did before he was unfaithful and really haven't for a long time. But it's an understanding that we can read each other's texts, emails, etc with no questions asked. It was a part of a 'deal' we made when we decided to keep our marriage going. Let's face it, there are always ways to cheat. Checking emails nowadays is pretty useless as everything can be covered up. So while I have access, and it's the best he can do really, it means nothing without trust because there are always ways to get around it.

I check DHs emails when he is away with work. He works on a ship so sometimes has a dodgy internet connection. So I check his emails and let him know of anything that looks important. Then he can try and get online to have a look and respond.

I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't asked me to check them.

And I did stupid things too when I was young, most of which the people who know me now wouldn't recognise as being 'me' at all, and which I don't even think about anymore. If someone found out about that side of me through snooping on my emails I'd be embarrassed, but I'd also think it would be their job to deal with how that made them feel, not mine.

we share an Email now but i always know what is his and never look and i have never even answered my dhs phone i think it is an invasion of privacy what your husband got up to before you met him is hi s bussiness

Thanks I really dont know whats come over me its not very "Me" at all.
Very well said alAswad!! You are right it is my job!
Having thought about it its probably just that I shocked myself and the present thing that worked me up (PMS probably isnt helping either) Is that TMI?

He is a completely different person now and I do need to concentrate on that. Maybe I am just feeling very insecure and I do need to let that go.
He has no pin or lock or anything on his phone, that is completely open and I have always respected that and never ever felt the want or need to look even though hes constantly leaving it lying around when hes not around. Hes asked me at times when hes been driving for instance and hes got a txt to read it for him so Ive opened them then and he trusts me around his phone openly. Ive always completely respected that which makes me trust deep down that I dont think he would cheat.

I just went a bit crazy with the emails and got shocked. I deserved that I think. It was just so different to who he is now. I need to deal with it and just let it go and get over it it was silly. Even now I wouldnt dream of checking his phone.

He had told me the password to his email one day as he was typing it in, I never asked he just told me as it was funny. I shouldnt have but I just logged in from my laptop. Ive never peeked at his laptop and he openly leaves that lying around all the time. Infact its next to me now and he wont be back for hours but I know Id never think of going anywhere near it, I use my own. The issues must be with me and not him, and its not ex issues or jealousy, just "is this man all he says he is or is he just with me for sex" kind of trust issues. Its not about other people. And deep down I think I know the answer. Hes just always seemed to perfect and maybe Im just scared to admit how much I love him after such awful experiences in the past.

Ok enough of my emotional offloading now. Im off for a chocolate bar and a wine. Im sure some of you are off to vomit after reading that! Sorry!

We go into each other's emails all the time to look for various passwords (for Sky, BT etc.), to check someone else's email address, to check arrangements etc. Nothing to hide so nothing to worry about.

I looked at specific messages on my exDP's facebook account on two separate occasions. First time was when he fell out with a mutual friend, he had been telling me about messages sent between him and mutual friend. He left his laptop open with facebook open with the chat window between he and mutual friend open. I couldn't help myself from having a look to see what had been said by both of them. Wasn't that I didn't trust him, I'm just very nosy and was interested in what they were saying. I never told him I read the messages but did feel guilty about it afterwards.

Second time I read facebook messages between him and one of his ex-girlfriends. We were on holiday and apartment had wifi which I could connect to on my phone. He had a nokia with no internet access and so was using my phone. He left it logged on his account and open on ex girlfriend's facebook page. I was worried and looked at his messages and the most recent one was from his ex. If it hadn't been right at the top I would probably have just asked him why he was looking at her page but curiosity got the better of me. Message was completely innocent on both sides (about an upcoming event) and I could see that they weren't in regular contact at all but I still admit I did read back through a few of their older messages from when they'd first broken up and were together. Then guilt came over me and I logged off his account.

I do feel bad but I will admit to being a nosy person. I used to read through my sister's diary when we were both teens. I feel bad for it but can't guarantee I wouldn't read a diary or private messages etc again if it was easy to do so. Nothing to do with whether I trust that person or suspect them of anything but more out of my own curiosity, which I know is just as bad.

I've snooped, with previous partners. Without exception, there have been emails or texts that it would consider inappropriate.

My ex husband had numerous emails and texts to several girls, offensive towards me and clearly making a play for the girls. Even on our last 'make or break' holiday he was texting the girl that we argued about in one of our counselling sessions (he lied that he was only friends with her because she had cancer - how low can you get?)

My ex partner was sending inappropriate FB messages to another girl on the day of my dad's funeral (which he didn't attend as he didn't want to ask his ex to swap his contact day), and to another girl he asked her for a date - while he was still with me.

My current partner knows my history and has said he has no issue with me checking his phone. And sometimes I do, but I tell him afterwards. He is free to check mine also, and I often ask him to read me a text or email.

The problem with snooping is that no one wins - the snooper feels crap about it even if they don't find anything. And if they do find something, they have to admit to snooping in order to have it out, which in turn naturally leads to a different argument all together and sometimes that argument can be used by EA or PA partners to detract from the real issue of the cheating....

So, I'm sitting here MN-ing and my husband's email account is open, which is rare.

He has 10,000+ unread emails. He never replies to anyone; this often includes texts and phone calls although he's getting marginally better about that. It's bloody irritating to everyone.

Very occasionally I have looked to see whether anyone important was trying to contact him that might have implications for ME. They mostly don't bother anymore. And I can't be arsed to wade through the spam he's signed up for. If anyone's made a play for online flirt time they would have given up ages ago.

WIBU to going into his account and set up a response saying: "I don't reply to messages but please do not contact my wife instead to try to reach me because she finds it very irritating that it's come to this."

I've never done it and it wouldn't cross my mind that DH would check mine either. I had a past before DH and he had a past before me, why would I want to know

I have, when we were going through a bad patch and I suspected an affair. I found sex type emails to ransoms from a dating site he'd signed up to. When I confronted him he admitted it straight off (and didn't have a go about the invasion of privacy) and we talked it all through. I made him show him his phone too. I haven't felt the need since, even through other bad patches, I just had a gut feeling the first time. I didn't go through anything from before we were together though.

i check my husbands all the time for jobs and stuff he would be pretty stupid to try to have an affair that way if his phone goes off i answer that too if he is not around or busy but to be fair he has open access to mine also using my phone as his own etc

it was before you, move on he picked you xx

Aww, bless you! I do understand that you're feeling shocked, you made a mistake and you're paying for it by having found out some stuff you'd rather not have known. I've had some moments like that before where I inadvertently discovered things about the pasts of people I thought I knew (not by snooping, by third parties letting things slip) and at the time it completely shook my world, but once I got over the initial shock I started thinking rationally again and things were back to normal in a few days

(10,000 unread emails?! I don't think I have that many in total, never mind ones I haven't looked at!)

Nope, never done either of those. He's not my property and entitled to his privacy. If I thought something was up I would ask him, and if he needed to keep a secret I would assume he had his reasons for doing so.

...but also want to say that everyone can do out-of-character things when they are feeling desperate, so don't be hard on yourself - try and see it as a symptom of the relationship, rather than something to blame yourself about.

YABU. a year ago (me and SO have been together over a year and three months) I got messages from someone (fake profile) saying "SO has been cheating on you, he's been flirting with others" etc etc so when he was on the toilet, I was on his laptop and I found pictures of girls (full frontal, vagina shots and the lot) and he was like "those are from ages ago." and deleted them in front of me. And emptied the recycle bin. I don't like him having a smartphone because it's easier to send and recieve pictures at no cost over facebook. But, I don't care anymore. if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. I keep his privacy, his buisness. Not mine. Don't go through your SO's phone/emails. Especially not that far back. I know my guy slept with a few people when he was younger and I know girls used to send him pictures of themselves.
Don't betray his trust like that.

The only time I have ever checked DP's phone is when he's asked me to help him sort something out on the phone. I've always known his passcode, the passcode was just to stop anyone outside the family getting access.

I have no reason not to trust DP.

don't have a partner currently but never felt the need to snoop on someone else's emails/texts, why?!

I think the question you should ask yourself OP is "would you be happy if he did what you did?" eg snoop on your private emails (current and past) and judge you on them? If you wouldn't be happy then there's your answer.

I don't think your DH/OH sounds guilty, feels bad about his past life maybe even you knowing some of this stuff but I think he'd be hurt beyond belief that you were snooping and making judgments and also maybe not trusting him.

If I were you let it go don't mention it just don't snoop again! and try and think of him as as he is now not was back then.

I've never felt the need to check out any of my partner's private correspondence, nor to my knowledge have they checked mine. We have frequently sat there together checking emails on respective laptops so can easily view who is getting what, but that's something different.

I think the reason you did this and the context is significant. Snooping is a an unhealthy act for the person carrying it out as well as the person whose privacy is being invaded, but sometimes it can be carried out by an otherwise perfectly sane and reasonable person who isn't beset by paranoia and insecurity precisely because their partner is "up to no good" and the spidey senses are tingling away like mad. That's different IMO to someone who is a needy controlling mess or who is seeking to control/abuse their partner.

And sometimes there isn't anything going on at all - in the case of either the snooper or the snoopee (??) - it's just a bit of a cockup caused by opportunity and lack of thought.

Which applies to you OP and what are you going to do about it?

FWIW, if someone judged me on the things I said and did 10 years ago I'd cringe. I sounded like a twat on more than one occasion. I have grown up. That said, I haven't undergone a complete personality change and even at my most twat-like I never purposefully hurt anyone.

I've done it, but I'm naturally a very nosy person!

There wasn't anything terrible in there, but seeing emails to and from ex girlfriends where he had the same pet names for them as he used for me was a bit of a kick in the guts.

In the end, I rationalised it by thinking what he would think of me if he read years and years of my emails and texts. I would probably be unrecognisable from my current self
and I've recycled some pet names as well

We have all our email accounts logged in on the same computer in different browsers, so we often unintentionally catch a glimpse of each others emails. There's nothing either of us are hiding and we often ask each other to check our emails or facebooks when the other is on the computer. We're the same with phones.

So honestly, I do check DPs emails and phone, all the time and he checks mine. There's just no secrecy about it.

That said, I've never gone through and read his old emails, that's just such a violation. Barring anything criminal or hugely immoral, you have no right to judge someone based off of who they were years ago.