to ask how many of you HONESTLY have checked your OHs email or phone?

[Littlewhiteowl]

Im not flaming or judging. I just diddnt think it was something Id ever do. And when i did yesterday I was shocked. I know its easy to say dont look if youre not prepared for whats there. I trusted him and never checked his phone but I knew the password for his email address and something just came over me. I dont know whats wrong with me. They went back 3/4 years before we met and I was horrified looking through them.

Asking girls to send him naked pictures and telling them how horny he is and how much he wants them to full on telling women hes in love with them and long love letters. There were 5 or 6 women going back the 4 years but also emails to friends from his student days bragging about how he had had his friends sister one night and someone else the next day ect.

Im just stunned. Its not the man I know and love and now im struggling to believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I cant tell him I looked at his emails. I think he loves me and I dont think he would cheat but am I overreacting or am I trusting the wrong man?

I know everyone has a past but some of the things he was saying to girls to get them into bed was laughable. Hes just not like that now. I dont get it. Is this it for us?

I never have done either of those, if i felt that suspicious I would be far more likely to wade in and tackle DH over it in person rather than check his stuff I imagine.

Never, however he checks mine all the time. It infuriates me even though I haven't actually got anything to hide.

I'll check dh phone/Facebook whenever possible. He hates it but accepts it I think. I've found worrying things on both in the past. I love dh, but I've been burnt (by him) in the past. We are past it now, but I'd be incredibly naive to think I can trust him 100%

I feel that the poor op is not getting her questions answered here.

You dont trust him now. imo relationships are about trust.
So, again imo, you do need to talk to him about the ex, as that issue is in the here and now.

christmas gifts, hmm, again a bit on the fence. [am slightly questioning your words of "just flicking through"].
Not ideal, but not really harmful?

There's a lot going on at the moment.
Something just came over you.
He gave you gifts bought for his ex.
You were horrified.
You're not sure you know him anymore.

OK. Let's leave the 'bad Owl snooping' recriminations aside for a moment.

Something prompted you to take a look. Your trigger was the glimpse of past correspondence with previous partners, but in a normally relaxed relationship you'd have been able to mention them, and/or have already known everything about those relationships. As things are, neither of you said anything and he deleted them straight after. This obviously doesn't mean they're still in a relationship, but it does indicate very high levels of privacy, for want of a better word. Many people would be okay with this. I wouldn't.

I'd be interested to know what horrified you about his letters. It looks very much as if they're more intense, emotionally and sexually, than anything he's ever sent to you. Am I right, or is it something else, or like that but more as well?

Whatever this was, it's left you feeling you don't 'know' him. That usually means you know the person your partner has presented himself to be, with whom you fell in love, but now you've discovered whole other sides to his character. Even if you don't dislike these newly-discovered aspects of a partner, it's incredibly disconcerting and certainly shows you've not been in a relationship with the whole person, as it were. It's upsetting.

The recycled gifts would piss me off massively. Not so much if he'd told me why he had them, along the lines of "would you like this now?" but I'd be as cheesed off as hell to find he'd simply bunged me some stuff labelled "girlfriend presents" from the back of his wardrobe! It feels very shabby to me - cheap and dishonest. I'd rather get a box of MY favourite biscuits than a bottle of some other woman's favourite perfume.

This all leads us to ... What's the "a lot going on"? Are you feeling distanced from him; has he been acting in ways that seem out of character? Maybe your unconscious has added up a bunch of clues which hadn't quite made its way to the front of your mind yet.

Magic. That is the same for me.
Can anyone trust their partner 100%?
I prob trust mine about 98%. Or 99.
I have probably checked up on him 3 times in decades?

I wouldn't have done it, no, but now you have I wouldn't feel the same about my partner either

Pandora's Box has been opened. What you do about it now (if anything) is up to you, but you are right in that you cannot unsee it

Are you completely certain that everything you have ever done is whiter than white ?

Is there anything that you found that is actually a deal breaker for you...because if you want to end the relationship you can. You can end it any time you like.

Yes, as in me chatting to DP while he's cooking:

Me: 'Have you heard anything about X?'
DP: 'Oh I think I got an email about that, want to check?'

No, as in picking up his phone or computer and deliberately going through emails. I have access to my computer and he has mine. Both of us tend to have email open at all times, but I wouldn't go out my way to read it.

OP those emails were none of your business. He was presumably a young lad as a student and young lads tend to act differently to fully grown men in committed relationships (at least the ones who grow up do!). Focus on who he is now.

You mention student days but not his age. I'm assuming that wasn't last week though? I am in my early 30s and would absolutely cringe if DP saw some of my dubious blogging, unwise behaviour and unhealthy relationships in my late teens, including at uni. I am the same person yes, but better educated, wiser and with much more of a focus on consequences (and I was a fairly sensible young adult as these things go).

Dp only has a work related email which I check as I was helping to run his business. I've never checked his phone.

He's snooped on me though and quite frankly it was the straw that broke the camels back for me, I lost any trust in him at all.

Everyone has a private life away from the relationship, as long as it doesn't involve being unfaithful that's not a bad thing, in fact it's necessary and healthy. Breaking that trust only leads to hurt on both sides.

You say these emails were all before you met him... People change, he's clearly not that person anymore. Of someone judged me on who I was 10 years ago I'd be very annoyed and wouldn't want anything more to do with them Tbh.

I haven't when I've been IN a relationship no. But when I met DP on POF and we added one another on facebook I scrolled a bit through his facebook to see what kind of boyfriend he was with any exes He actually came across not very affectionate or attentitve at all, like, I saw posts from his ex and he would not reply anything and I thought how mean! I still met him though and am with him 4 years later. He is completely different with me.

In your situation though you are actually together! Why is his past relevant to you? What did you expect to find from his past? It does sound a bit odd. Unless someone had real suspicions about someone's past (and I mean illegal stuff) then I don't know what you wanted to find? Even if he was out shagging trannies it was before you..?

Magic & Rabbit, I agree it's downright insane to trust anybody 100%. Also, while the circumstances are different in your case, Magic, I feel it's important to note that someone who loves you doesn't respond to curiosity with secrecy. If that curiosity comes from insecurity, it's even more important to be open instead of doubling your efforts to hide things.

brokenhearted. I think that it can. Equally I think that there are those women, myself included, that stand up for myself and all that entails.
I sure as heck want to know what is going on in my own world.

I dont have self esteem issues. Quite the opposite!

I do have self esteem issues, but even if I didn't I still don't think its ever a good idea to trust ANYBODY 100%. We are all human and its very possible for even the most "trustworthy, honest" person to make an awful mistake and try to move heaven and earth to not get caught.

I go into his e-mails/FB/text - none of it's password protected (or are already logged on on shared PC). But I don't read any of it really - doesn't interest me. It just drives me mad that he is so disorganised and let's e-mails etc mount up and never deletes anything or files it into folders, then forgets things and misses appointments, social events etc. So I tidy it up for him, delete old versions of messages so only the most recent on is there, delete junk and stuff that is no longer relevant. He appreciates it/doesn't notice/thinks e-mail or FB fairies do it! My stuff isn't password protected, I don't think he ever looks at it.

No. I don't have any reason to. Then again, it's also not really hidden away. I will share funny texts or emails and vice versa. If I need to (god forbid) use his phone for an emergency to contact his work or family members, I can, I know the PIN. I had to last summer when he was rushed to hospital.

I don't think you can hold your DP to emails of bravado to his mates several years ago. That's ridiculous. God knows I've sent stupid messages before.

I don't think those emails were any of your business. And if you feel the need to snoop there's already a problem.

I read DH's texts once when we were going through a rough patch. I told him and apologised as I took it as a sign we needed to work on stuff.

OP you really shouldn't have done this and you need to ask yourself why you did.

I have to admit, I did this earlier on in my relationship with dh. I had a good snoop when he was out, I got myself in a right tizz about it all. I can't even remember now what I saw, it was pretty insignificant, messages from before he met me. I am incapable of hiding anything though so immediately told him that I had snooped, what I had seen etc. He was not thrilled that I had done it, neither was he overly bothered. He had nothing to hide, loved me and wanted to be with me regardless.

Looking back, I feel silly that I made a fuss about such stupid things, but at the same time, we got serious very quickly, I didn't have any links to his past as we are from different countries, and in a way I am glad I looked and got everything out in the open. I think I trusted him more after that.

Now I may glance at his emails or texts from time to time, we are both open with everything.

I haven't, and I wouldn't, but to be honest I'm pretty sure that DP's emails and texts are full of fairly dull stuff like arrangements to meet friends. I've occasionally glanced over his shoulder when he's doing an email and 90% of his messages seem to be Freecycle-related.

I wouldn't mind if he read my emails/texts. They're equally dull.

In the OP's case, it's probably just as well that she found out what her DP is like sooner rather than later.

Yep, I read DHs emails, and occasionally texts. I have no problem with him looking at mine.

OP, you looked, you learned.

Im thinking maybe he deleted them because they are from a long time ago and he had forgotten that they were there. And just diddnt mention it on the off chance that I diddnt see. Its not the deleting it that bothers me. Id be more bothered if he kept them I think. I know in my heart hes not cheating and he wouldn't, Its not that. Its just worried me more that we got quite serious quite quickly and reading some of them from his student days are just so unlike him now. He says he is totally committed to our family but now they are in my head I just think how can he give up so much casual sex like that by the sounds of it he was literally only interested in sex and a lot of it. Which doesn't bother me if it is his past and hes been responsible with it. But in one of the emails to his friends hes said something like "yeah but most of the women that have been here have all been sluts and have no class"
Its just so incredibly far from the man I now know and it shocked me. And yes I know im in the wrong! And yes if I had never have seen the messages in the first place I would probably have never looked or doubted these things we were incredibly happy but now I just keep thinking "am i just another slut to him?" I guess the presents just made me feel a bit more impersonal too. I dont know. Maybe I have rose tinted glasses.
The a lot going on isnt really to do with him. Me & my son have very serious health issues at the moment and its just getting to me a little.
If things dont go to plan the next few weeks I may end up paralysed and he might end up very poorly.

I could do, because his e-mail pops up on the PC every time input it on, he also has another email account and leaves his phone lying about, but he's never "twitched my radar", ITSWIM?

I'm not going to criticise, because every relationship is different, but did something stir your suspicions?

I have! I am of the insecure persuasion haha.

I would not recommend though, always ends in me being annoyed. I haven't done it often, but I have been known to have a cheeky look out of pure insecurity on my part. I have never found anything untoward.