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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girldfriend's mum has banned Ds from seeing her.

107 replies

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 09:01

Ds 15 and his girlfriend have been very close for 4 months now.

Girlfriend's mum phoned me up last night to say that he can't see her any more. Apparently she found a text where they were talking about smoking a joint. She now thinks Ds is a drug dealer !

Obviously I am very concerned about the smoking of cannabis but am not so naive that I don't realise lots of kids try it out.

I think her reaction is harsh as they live in the same small village and it will be difficult to police keeping them apart. She has also threatened that her older sons will get involved if necessary.

I think at their age banning them from seeing each other for ever more is a sure fire way of driving them closer.

AIBU to feel she is over reacting and being a tad unfair to entirely blame my son for this. He is completely devestated.

OP posts:
YouWonderfulSausageYou · 26/04/2014 09:06

The mum is being over dramatic, it's not great but not a marker of your son.

I think my main issue would be her saying she will get her sons involved, I would have told her if any threats are made towards your son in that vain you will be contacting the police.
In fact I would send her a text stating just that.

Ridiculous people.

VerucaInTheNutRoom · 26/04/2014 09:08

Could you both go round and speak to her face to face and tell her that it is teenage foolishness and not an episode of The Wire?

SanityClause · 26/04/2014 09:08

A few thoughts spring to mind.

He is living with the consequences of his actions in smoking joints with her. They made the choice to use drugs, and it hasn't turned out well for them, albeit for reasons they may not have anticipated.

It isn't down to you to police this - its down to her. If the threats of "older brothers" are actually threats of violence, assure her that you intend to contact the police.

I agree, it's her DD's fault as much as your DS's, and also that it wouldn't be my approach to the problem, but you and your son have no control over her actions, so tutting about them won't change anything.

Tinkerball · 26/04/2014 09:09

What does his girlfriend think? In my experience banning a teenage relationship just makes it all the more attractive, all that angst, drama and secrets!!!

Goldmandra · 26/04/2014 09:09

You don't need to police it. That's her job if she's made a rule for her daughter. I would probably have done the same if I thought someone was pushing drugs on my 15 year old.

Text the mother back telling her that she is free to make whatever rules she chooses regarding her own children but if the matter of the older brothers becoming involved is raised again you will take it as a threat of violence and inform the police and you are keeping her first text as evidence.

CundtBake · 26/04/2014 09:10

I'd be fuming about her threatening your DS with her older sons like that, how dare she.

She's being over dramatic and careless, surely everybody knows forbidden romance is the most exciting kind, especially for teenagers?

I'd be having words with DS about the texts but yes it is normal for teenagers to think about this kind of thing. Have you seen the texts yourself?

OriginofSymmetry · 26/04/2014 09:12

Yes it will be hard to keep them apart, but I think you're going to have to comply. I wouldn't inflame the situation by mentioning police either. Obviously if your ds is actually physically threatened then you might involve them. The mother has clearly panicked and is reacting accordingly, although it seems ridiculous to you, drugs are something a lot of parents have an extreme reaction to. Where did she get the idea your son is a drug dealer from?

WooWooOwl · 26/04/2014 09:12

YANBU, she is over reacting.

It's up to her if she wants to stop her daughter seeing your son, but she's probably being very naive if she thinks her dd is innocent.

It's not a bad thing that your ds is devastated, as much as it will be horrible for you to see him like it, but it does give him a good lesson that smoking drugs doesn't end up with positive consequences. It will have far more effect than anyone just telling him he shouldn't.

Timetoask · 26/04/2014 09:13

I would have done the same, in fact, if my DS had a friend that was instigating drug taking (of any kind) I would do my bes to stop the friendship.

Instead of focusing on the girl's mum, why don't you focus on your son and discussing the dangers of drugs.

Jess345 · 26/04/2014 09:13

Actually although I think she is going over the top you are minimising your son's role in this. You sound a bit dismissive of her worries about drugs because you 'realise lots of kids try it'.

If my daughter had had no previous experience with drugs and was being encouraged by a boyfriend to try them (I am making assumptions since obviously don't know what the texts say) then I would want her to stay the hell away from him. I'm sure the daughter is not blame free but the only control she has is over her daughter and not your son.

Personally, instead of whinging on here about another parent trying to protect their child (even if it isn't how you would do it) I would be spending some time talking to my son about drugs and hoping she is doing the same. Frank is a good website.

OwlCapone · 26/04/2014 09:17

IMO the only thing the mother has really done that is unacceptable is the mention of the older brothers.

What does your son say about about the cannabis?

sunbathe · 26/04/2014 09:22

'Apparently she found a text...'

Or her daughter showed her, asking for advice/help?

GiraffesAndButterflies · 26/04/2014 09:22

Why not say to her that having thought it through, you think the ban on them seeing each other is a good idea, but you're concerned about making the relationship more attractive to them if it's indefinite. So how about you both ban them from seeing each other for and then you and she get together and review things?

She is probably keen to have you on board to make the ban easier to enforce. She will be a lot more in favour of your son if she thinks you and she see eye to eye on the drugs issue. And any pressure for her DD to see your DS will hopefully come straight from her DD.

OurMiracle1106 · 26/04/2014 09:31

Can I point out that we are all assuming the messages indicate the boy is giving her the drugs. However have we ever considered the girl might have messaged something and her mother is jumping to conclusions?

The threat of the brothers is completely unreasonable imo if she doesnt want her daughter seeing your son then she needs to keep her away as it is not a rule that has been imposed on your son.

I would be tempted to let the local police know about the threat just so they are aware but not push for anything to be done.

The dangers of drugs does need to be explored with both of them.

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 09:34

This is a better lesson in the negative consequences of drugs than I could ever have given him. He realises he has made a big mistake and the punishment is a bigger deal than anything I could have cooked up.

I am not negating his role in this. Just feel that turning it into a Romeo and Juliet saga is not a solution.

OP posts:
Gennz · 26/04/2014 09:36

I wouldn't tell the police unless you want to explain about the context, i.e. the two kids potentially dealing/possessing drugs.

I agree that teens of that age try it out but if caught they should also expect to get in big trouble - I know I would have been in huge trouble & grounded for months if my parents had caught me.

I think Giraffes response is a good one. I am more anti-cannabis than many harder drugs - it's so easy for teens to think its harmless & to get into using it habitually & it can really contribute to massive MH issues.

Gennz · 26/04/2014 09:37

Out of interest is he actually "in trouble" with you Diesel? TBH it doesn't sound like it.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 26/04/2014 09:39

Agree with all the above, but also think you sound a bit too relaxed about drugs ("oh well, at that age they are bound to experiment").

Not everybody thinks drug use is an inevitable rite of passage. Loads of kids never use drugs, you know?

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/04/2014 09:42

If I was the girls mother I too would encourage my daughter to stay away.

I am not naive, but at 15 I would want my DC to be concentrating on their gcse.

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 09:52

Mum just came round in very agitated state. Her DD ran away from home 1/2 hour ago. Ds here all the time knowing nothing . Mum has girl's phone so no one can contact her. She is now on way to police to report my DS Shock

I am not at all relaxed about the fact my Ds has been smoking joints. I know how seriously it can mess a young person up. believe me I do not take this lightly.

I am just a bit Shock at the mums reaction. She is incapable of discussing this in a reasonable fashion and wouldn't listen when we suggested that if anyone could locate her Dd it would be our Ds and that we could help her. She drove off at a million miles an hour to the police station.

Ds showed me the texts where they talk about going 1/2s on a tenner of dope. This is looking bad for my Ds isn't it Sad

OP posts:
JodieGarberJacob · 26/04/2014 09:52

I don't think she would have talked about getting her older sons involved if she had gleaned from the conversation that you were understanding of her concerns. Maybe you were a bit dismissive of her without realising it? Do you actually know where the supply of drugs is coming from? I mean, does she have just cause to believe they are not being supplied through her daughter?

BlueMoonRoses · 26/04/2014 09:52

Please don't minimise the use of cannabis. It is a dangerous drug with potentially serious impacts on mental health. I know from personal experience with a close family member. Who started experimenting at 15. I'm not catastrophising here, but do wonder what personal experience his girlfriend's mother may have had with this issue as I, too, would be very upset and determined to distance my children from those who apparently have a more lax attitude. I'd stop short of the threats though - that is out of order. I'm sorry for your DS and hope he sees this as a consequence of his decisions and takes responsibility for it. I hope she's doing the same but you can't influence that.

JodieGarberJacob · 26/04/2014 09:53

Oops cross posts. Good luck!

BlueMoonRoses · 26/04/2014 09:55

Sorry, x-post. She is over-reacting and there is clearly a lot more going on in her family. Try and distance yourself and your son from this. Easier said than done, I know.

Chippednailvarnish · 26/04/2014 09:58

She's probably tearing her hair out with worry and your judging her reactions as being unreasonable!?!

Maybe some compassion about her daughter and less immediate concern about your DS wouldn't go amiss.