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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Girldfriend's mum has banned Ds from seeing her.

107 replies

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 09:01

Ds 15 and his girlfriend have been very close for 4 months now.

Girlfriend's mum phoned me up last night to say that he can't see her any more. Apparently she found a text where they were talking about smoking a joint. She now thinks Ds is a drug dealer !

Obviously I am very concerned about the smoking of cannabis but am not so naive that I don't realise lots of kids try it out.

I think her reaction is harsh as they live in the same small village and it will be difficult to police keeping them apart. She has also threatened that her older sons will get involved if necessary.

I think at their age banning them from seeing each other for ever more is a sure fire way of driving them closer.

AIBU to feel she is over reacting and being a tad unfair to entirely blame my son for this. He is completely devestated.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 26/04/2014 10:24

The mother of a 15 year old girl has every right to veto a boyfriend because of a drugs issue. Come to your senses, OP.

WilsonFrickett · 26/04/2014 10:30

The mother of a 15 year old girl has every right to veto a boyfriend because of a drugs issue.

Absolutely she does and her and OP in an ideal world would work together to tackle this. But if she goes full drama lama on every teenage issue the way she is today, then that family are in for a very rough ride indeed and I don't blame OP for not wanting to get involved in the drama.

Re: the police, if the texts were only about buying dope and no dope was actually purchased, then there is no crime and the police won't be interested. You can obviously use this as a wake-up call for your DS and start some serious conversations about drugs, etc but I don't know what to do about the girl.

Does she only have elder brothers? Is there a bit of 'princess growing up'? Because if so, this is going to run and run and it's going to be hard to know the right thing to do regarding the relationship. I agree a full ban just makes it forbidden fruit. But there do need to be some consequences.

Topaz25 · 26/04/2014 10:32

TBH I think the police will get the measure of the mother. They won't be best pleased to be bothered with a missing person report because a teenager didn't tell her mother where she was for a whole 30 minutes! Also if her texts threaten violence then they are potentially more incriminating than your son's texts. She sounds like a bully, don't let her scare you.

CSIJanner · 26/04/2014 10:32

That's true Bonsoir however mother should have prepared herself for this to blow up in her face bigstyle. OP's DS and GF have both been discussing weed so therefore they should both be blamed as opposed to the son being labelled a drug dealer. The girlfriends DM isn't thinking rationally at the moment - calling the police, threatening texts, threatening with the GF's older brothers, turning upto OP's house in a agitated state - understandable as her DD had stormed off, but she was making the situation worse.

Also, I have the feeling that if I vetoed one of my childrens partners from the house for discussing weed, it would blow up in my face what with teenaged hormones, early love and the parental ban, as that's how I would have reacted had DP's done this to me.

rosiedays · 26/04/2014 10:32

cutting the grass. .lol

Not helpful i know! !

SuburbanRhonda · 26/04/2014 10:32

bonsoir, it's not at all clear at this stage who was the instigator of the proposed weed-buying.

If it was the GF, maybe the OP should be the one banning them from seeing each other.

Whereisegg · 26/04/2014 10:33

I think you should ring the local police station to make them aware she has been found.

SuburbanRhonda · 26/04/2014 10:34

That's the GF's mum's job, egg, as she was the one who went to the police! not the OP.

pictish · 26/04/2014 10:53

Regards the relationship ban...well she can impose her rules as she sees fit..but so too can you. If she bans her daughter from seeing your son, then that's her rule to manage.
If you impose no such ban, then that's yours.
If she succeeds in keeping her dd away from your son, then your son will just have to swallow it.
If she doesn't, it's her tough luck.

Given that she saw fit to go to the police to try to get your son in trouble, while her own daughter was equally implicated says she's actually a malicious cow, anti drugs or not, and does not deserve any of your consideration in future.

Tell your son that the ban is her idea, and you're not imposing it. She can't make you, so fuck her.

Whereisegg · 26/04/2014 10:55

Yes but if the mum is still there making a statement the police could be arranging teams for searching/door to door.
Even the one police officer talking to the mum is a wasted resource now that she has been found.

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 10:57

I agree pictish but I don't want her older boys to give my Ds grief. She already put me in a difficult position because she was fine with my Ds staying over in her DD's bedroom and I have refused to allow it.

OP posts:

CecilyP · 26/04/2014 10:59

In your position, OP, while I wouldn't actually ban my son from seeing this girl, I wouldn't be all that keen for the relationship to continue seeing that the mother is such a loose cannon. If they do split up, I think he is well out of it.

thecatfromjapan · 26/04/2014 11:06

Good grief. Mother sounds like something featured in an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

I think you need to set a trail of Benson and Hedges around your house: hopefully she'll be so distracted by the free fags, she'll forget she came around to threaten your son with her "older boys"; report him to the police for sharing a joint with her daughter; or tell you about her runaway daughter.

I think you should warn your son that his girlfriend comes with a family of feral freaks attached, and will almost certainly grow up a lot like her mother. Does he really want to spend time with these people?

I'm guessing she's a "starter-girlfriend". Maybe time to intervene and lure him away?

Debs75 · 26/04/2014 11:07

Glad the DD has been found but a bit concerned for the mum.
She goes off her nut about potential drug taking but would allow your DS to sleep with her DD, potentially allowing sex and an underage pregnancy to happen.

I think she is a bit unhinged

Suzannewithaplan · 26/04/2014 11:07

The gf's mum sounds like bad news, one minute letting your boy stay in her bedroom, next minute making your boy out to be a bad influence and threatening to 'send the boys round'

I'm getting a picture of someone who is rough and thick :(

HavannaSlife · 26/04/2014 11:07

She was willing to have them stay in the same bedroom? What an idiot.

And threatening to involve her older sons, she sounds charming. Think id be quite pleased shes placed a ban if it was my ds

CSIJanner · 26/04/2014 11:10

She already put me in a difficult position because she was fine with my Ds staying over in her DD's bedroom and I have refused to allow it.

Well, then she can't expect you to enforce her rules and bans if she clearly ignored yours. Do you think the older siblings will cause trouble?

On an aside, I am glad to hear your DS was with you and DH this morning as she was clearly expecting for your DS to be with GF. I get the impression he's being viewed as a villain

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 11:14

TheCat

OP posts:

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 26/04/2014 11:16

As a mum to 2 daughters, I wouldn't want them involved with a drug taking boyfriend so I cannot blame her one bit for wanting her daughter to end the relationship and to protect her from the dangers she may get herself into. Equally, if either of mine starting taking drugs, I could not blame any other parent wanting their children to end friendships or relationships with mine, in fact I would expect and agree with it as I wouldn't want others involved in my children's lousy life choices.

She should not in any way be threatening your son with violence. Perhaps she has been really shaken up about the thought of her daughter taking drugs and isn't acting calmly because she is so upset, not that that justifies her threat though.

Perhaps this may be a wake up call to your son. As you say, you are concerned about him taking drugs, but so far, it doesn't sound like there has been any consequence to his actions. Now he has a broken relationship and the police may become involved (albeit I don't think they will do anything, but his name will be known) Some good may come from this messy situation. I hope things work out.

Yetanotherbloodynamechange · 26/04/2014 11:16

I don't think that banning teens from seeing each other is ever a wise move

Sounds like they are both to blame in the weed smoking

kungfupannda · 26/04/2014 11:21

What offence is she planning on reporting to the police?

Discussing the possibility of purchasing drugs? Conspiracy to at some point in the future be in possession of drugs?

I think the police are going to look at her like this

thecatfromjapan · 26/04/2014 11:21

I'm nicer than that in Real Life.

I just really don't like adults who threaten children with violence.

It's absolutely not on.

Seriously, Diesel, the mother really would worry me. After this (really, genuinely worrying) behaviour by mother, I would be quite anxious about time my child spent with the other family. They sound erratic, and unrealiable at best - and with a proclivity towards violence and threatening behaviour at worst. Coming to your door, threatening violence towards your son, rather than talking/discussing, is already threatening behaviour.

Not good.

Not good people for your 15 year old to be dealing with.

Hope it gets sorted.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 26/04/2014 11:30

thecat likely this mother feels the same way about OP's son and his family too, after all, she's just found out he's a pothead and although OP is concerned, she's doing nothing about it. Your comment about not good people for him to be 'dealing' with is spot on, would you want him 'dealing' with your teenager?

Sorry OP I have no ill will to you, you've come here for opinions, but I do think there is six of one and half a dozen of the other on this post. Your son actually does takes drugs and the other family has threatened him but hasn't carried it out, I am having difficulty seeing one is worse than the other really.

Stripyhoglets · 26/04/2014 11:33

if all the texts do is discuss buying it then there is no crime. your son would be very foolish to admit to more than that to the police.

Goldmandra · 26/04/2014 11:34

Does your DH really expect her to thank him and your DS nicely when she gets home and find them there. I would expect it all to kick off again.

He should consider leaving her there and coming home. It isn't his responsibility to keep her there.

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