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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Girldfriend's mum has banned Ds from seeing her.

107 replies

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 09:01

Ds 15 and his girlfriend have been very close for 4 months now.

Girlfriend's mum phoned me up last night to say that he can't see her any more. Apparently she found a text where they were talking about smoking a joint. She now thinks Ds is a drug dealer !

Obviously I am very concerned about the smoking of cannabis but am not so naive that I don't realise lots of kids try it out.

I think her reaction is harsh as they live in the same small village and it will be difficult to police keeping them apart. She has also threatened that her older sons will get involved if necessary.

I think at their age banning them from seeing each other for ever more is a sure fire way of driving them closer.

AIBU to feel she is over reacting and being a tad unfair to entirely blame my son for this. He is completely devestated.

OP posts:

Suzannewithaplan · 26/04/2014 11:40

Any one considering doing anything illegal, beit buying drugs or sending the heavy mob round would be best advised NOT to discus it via text!

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 11:47

The thing is booty there needs to be a willingness on both sides to sit down and talk this through, both children are implicated and we the parents should ideally be united in dealing with this. Not making threats and creating melodramas.

I'm not that worried about the police. Ds is certainly suffering here for his choices, hopefully lessons will be learnt.

Still waiting on news from Dh...

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 26/04/2014 11:50

Shakes what evidence is there that the son is a "pothead" and is dealing drugs to the girl?

wrf to a previous post cannabis is a Class B drug.

The mother sounds like trouble to me.

WooWooOwl · 26/04/2014 11:53

You should definitely tell the police about her threat of violence towards your son. I'd make the school aware as well if they are all at the same one.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 26/04/2014 12:26

The definition of pothead in the oxford dictionary is a person who smokes cannabis, and no more than that, that's why I used it. If people don't like the use of that word, then that's fine they are free to dislike it, I am simply showing you that's how some people in society view folk that use can is, even if it is casual use. The OP states in a post that she's not happy with her son smoking joints and there are texts showing he's going to do it again, that's what I based it on.

The use of the word dealing was to do with the fact that would you want him 'associating' with your child while he is smoking drugs (the poster has said OP son shouldn't be dealing with this type of family, yet there had been no problem until his cannabis use had been found out), rather than dealing drugs on the street so sorry for the misunderstanding.

I just think that a lot of parents would have a knee jerk reaction to finding out their child's boy or girlfriend or even friend was taking drugs and that their child was possibly going to get involved through association. Lots of attention is being placed on the girl's mother being trouble yet both the OP and this mum have not had issues with each other that prevented their children being in a relationship for 4 months including overnight stays, until drugs have reared their head. That's my difficulty with the anti feeling to the girl's mum. She is being called some terrible names yet she's had a real shock and may be acting a bit over the top because of that. What mum or dad wouldn't tell a perceived bad influence to sling their hook in some form?

I agree with you OP this will have been a shock to your son and in some ways it may be the thing that changes his outlook on cannabis use, that will be his choice. I just don't think you can blame parents for wanting to keep their kids away from it. It will be your son's actions that could change their minds, it's probably too soon to be chatting about it, they are too angry.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 26/04/2014 13:09

She sounds a bit unhinged.

I wouldn't want to be dealing with that in the foreseeable.

gordonpym · 26/04/2014 13:39

Any news?

thebodydoestricks · 26/04/2014 13:59

I think your son and this girl have hopefully learned a lesson.

Your job is to teach/protect your own kids. How you do that is up to you and how she does is up to her.

Having got and had teens myself I am constantly amazed at the things other parents treat very seriously like clothes and piercings( I don't) but ignore rudeness and bad behaviour at home and school.

They are 15, by the summer it would probably all have fizzled out anyway.

Some parents always need another child to blame instead of looking at their own child as that's harder.

Unfortunately parents who always say its not his/her fault they were in the wrong crowd usually end up saying it to the police where it cuts no ice.

FindoGask · 26/04/2014 14:17

You sound a lot more balanced than she does. I may be biased, as I was smoking dope at your son's age, along with many of my friends - we were all good students at school, and did fine for ourselves afterwards, not dreadful wasters etc. I know it's not ideal, and so do you, but not the end of the world either. Her attitude is just going to drive her daughter further away and make her feel like she can't tell her anything; as evidenced by the fact she's now run away from home.

I don't think the police will be bothered about any evidence they've gone halves on a tenner of dope, even if his girlfriend's mum does show them the texts. That's hardly anything, certainly not evidence of dealing.

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 14:18

Dh managed to get everyone together and talking. Turns out her mum has history with drugs (ex addict) which is why she freaked. Her daughter has been smoking a while which is why she moved recently to near us, to escape bad influences. Turns out her daughter was smoking long before my Ds came on the scene.

Think her family is a bit fucked up to be honest, not to negate my Ds part in all this. She reported her daughter missing but didn't tell police about Ds and dope.

Not sure where it goes from here, apart from giving Ds stiff talking to about taking drugs. Girlfriend self harming and clearly troubled . At least Dh showed the two teens how to go about conflict resolution.

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 26/04/2014 14:43

Oh dear.

You sound as though you've managed the whole thing really well. Your de-escalation and talk skills must be very good.

Is it mean of me to suggest you read "CoDependent No More" and start dropping bits and pieces from the book in your son's ear? I suspect he has a caring streak, but it would be a bit grim if he finds himself in one of those intense, caretaker relationships at his age.

And I know it's not your business, but the girl's school should be tipped off about the self-harming.

What a difficult situation all round.

Am impressed you can find a bright side (with regard to your dh patterning conflict resolution ).

I hope everything improves a lot. And have a good weekend.

SuburbanRhonda · 26/04/2014 14:49

booty, hope you've read the OP's latest update.

Jumping to conclusions is always a risky strategy.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 26/04/2014 14:52

From what you've said here OP, if I were you, I'd be wanting DS to distance himself from this girl and her family, not the other way round.

Tinkerball · 26/04/2014 15:08

Im with wibblypig

SpringBreaker · 26/04/2014 15:16

I would be encouraging your son to stay away from this girl and her family. Teenage pregnancy will have far more serious consequences than a few shared spliffs, and the mother doesn't seem too fussed about that!

AreWeThereYeti · 26/04/2014 15:46

You might want to consider drug testing your DS for a while. The tests are really cheap on amazon.

I'd also have a big chat about putting stupid stuff (drug stuff, sex stuff etc) in writing (texts, Facebook, snapchat etc)

jjsuk · 26/04/2014 15:50

Her life, her son. Stop raising assholes.

SuburbanRhonda · 26/04/2014 15:55

Her life, her son. Stop raising assholes.

pictish · 26/04/2014 16:05

Her life, her son, stop raising assholes?
What?

HavannaSlife · 26/04/2014 16:07

Well that made sense!

AlpacaLypse · 26/04/2014 16:11

I don't think jjsuk has been reading the same thread as the rest of us...

HolidayCriminal · 26/04/2014 16:48

Wow, what a drama, OP. Have a long .

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 26/04/2014 17:39

Thanks for all the in put everyone.. I will have a think about how to talk to my Ds about taking care not to become the rescuer. Apparently Ds was great with the mum, Dh said he was really proud of the mature way he handled it... though of course not at all proud about the cannabis smoking

Hopefully the rest of the weekend will be calm.. I might even get to cut the grass...

OP posts:

Ronmione · 26/04/2014 17:51

Wow poor you op, personally I think some of the earlier posts are really assumtive in regard to your ds introducing his girlfriend to drugs! How rude couldn't possibly be the girlfriend leading the boy astray.

Boys need protecting as much as girls.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 26/04/2014 18:30

"Boys need protecting as much as girls."

This is very true. 15 yo boys may look and sound like adult men, but emotionally they are still children.

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