to feel like I wont be able to forgive my DD?

[lastnicknamefree]

Very long story as short as I can make it, I have teenaged daughters and a toddler son. Im currently single, but my Girls were from my 17 year marriage, I got divorced (fairly amicably) and my subsequent relationship was a 3 year hell on earth with an abusive man.
He left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our son, which although I was devastated at the time as I was by this point at rock bottom with such low self esteem, I believed all he said that I was stupid and not able to cope alone. Fast forward to now, when baby was born SS got involved due to DV and he was allowed to see the baby in a contact center, I was sent on a Freedom programme (for ladies who've been in an abusive relationship) and a self esteem course. He has not seen our son since November and Im just, JUST starting to feel safe again, get on top of my anxiety and believe i/we have escaped this man who did so much damage to my family.
This is the background history, but the problem is this. Since last December my teenaged DD (18) has been gradually getting worse in her behaviour, just the usual teen stuff, skipping college, lying a lot, drinking, piercing, tattoos, throwing parties and trashing my home and a particularly un-desirable BF.
We were not seeing eye to eye as you'd expect, I put a few ground rules in place that she didn't appreciate, but no massive falling out or huge rows. 1 of them (and tbh, there were only 2/3) was that her BF couldn't stay over every night as I have younger children and didn't appreciate hearing them having sex or them coming and going all hours. Reasonable no? I said just 2 nights a week please, any of her choosing, Id say yes but please out of courtesy could she ask and not just rock up unannounced as she had been.
This led to her leaving home. I was upset, didn't want her to go but ok, shes 18, felt she could not live by my house rules so I would try and understand/support. BUT I just found out last night that she went running to the EX, abusive partner which frankly has left me reeling, heartbroken and totally shocked!! She has a Dad of her own to call, Aunty, Grandparents and me all of whom would have helped and/or supported her if shed wanted to leave and go about things in a different way.
I just cannot justify or excuse why she would choose HIM after all he did to me, She old enough to understand fully the consequences of mine and her baby brothers safety here, the hurt and betrayal I would feel and frankly I feel stabbed in the back by my own DD and highly betrayed. I feel violated to find shes been with him the past 6 weeks, Im imagining all sorts - the two of them having cosy chats, discussing all my business, and possibly sharing news and photo's of the child he has not seen or contacted since last year. I don't feel safe. I feel anxious that he now know all my movements and whereabouts. I moved in September from our joint home and as I said was only just starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my own home again.
At this point I cannot think of 1 good excuse for what she's done and no reason whatsoever to justify her even getting in touch with him, let alone asking for his help and moving into the same place alongside him (they are both in a caravan park) She's put me in jeopardy, and her siblings too, and with no good reason as she had all those other people to help her, other than her own selfishness.
Up until last Christmas when all this started we were close, have always had a fairly good relationship and she was witness to all HIS behaviour so knows all he did, so she must surely realise what her cosying up to him would do? I cant think straight, I feel so hurt and betrayed. AIBU?? Would particularly like to hear from any other survivors of DV how would YOU react if your child did this to you behind your back?

Didn't want to read and run, have experience of dv and two girls but not of teenagers just wanted to say I can understand how totally betrayed you feel and not sure I would be able to forgive either tbh am here to hold your hand and listen, big hugs and sorry this has happened sweetheart x

Oh, I am sure you must feel so betrayed just now :(

But please don't do or say anything rash to her just now. Give yourself a week of space to calm down and think over why and what. Then you can work out what to do next.

He could be sexually grooming her and "buying her off" with stuff she wants. And she probably does not see sense.

Is she with him as a boyfriend?

what an awful mess . You say SS got involved due ti him being violent, would they jelp you with advice now?

Dog thats not helpful.

Op I presume your daughter was also involved in this dv situation, even as just an observer? Did she also get help afterwards? Sounds like she's been crying out for some! It's horrible what she's done but of course you can and will forgive!

What a horrible situation to be in.

I think she has chosen him deliberately to hurt you. You could talk to your local police DV unit but as she is an adult, I fear that there is little that can be done.

You say that you split from her father amicably. So what does he have to say?

Did he abuse her sexually when the two of you were in the relationship?

Do you feel you neglected her on any level while you were caught up in the hellish relationship (terrible relationships have a way of draining all of your energy, and the aim of an abuser is always to keep you focused completely on him so this is possible, but not a reflection on you as a person)?

Can you contact her dad and get him to intervene here, try to draw her into his life and away from the bad boyfriend and your ex? How much contact has she had with her dad during the years you were in the bad relationship?

It sounds like she's been through a lot and is just going off the rails a bit just now. She's older than I'd expect for someone going through that phase, but when teenagers are in that place they generally do have very little regard for the feelings of their parents. If she feels like she has been hurt by you in some way, even if she's wrong and that's just her perception, then there's probably a part of her that wants to hurt you back.

That doesn't mean she won't come back to her senses at some point though. I would try not to see this as a betrayal and instead try to understand why she has felt the need to do this.

I think I agree with Dog's question and the direction it takes.

I agree with Dog here - that was my first thought

OP, I think in your situation I would have to say to her that whilst she lives and is so close to him, you can no longer be around her, as it's simply not safe.

ginger and peach Thank you xx

Dog and Laurie Im pretty sure not, she is well into her BF that was part of the problem..
ploppy Yes SS were involved, I hadnt thought of involving them but I feel so stupid tbh!
helen yes she was, as a close observer but its amazing what they pick up (and scary too when you think you have shielded them) She did get help in the form of counselling but turned it down twice.. I tried very hard to get all the children therapy, we are currently attending family therapy but she wont come to anything as she doesnt like talking. Thank you for your replies, Im feeling very raw and was worried about posting

Dog has a valid point I think. As much as it must hurt you need to consider it

Well he fooled you didn't he? Why not your dd?

I suspect, if not exactly grooming, then that the X is seeking to control you through DD, and DD is of course at that teenage rebellion phase where getting back at you and getting her 'freedom' feels like a great idea.

What about her dad? Can he get involved in some way? What's her bf saying to it?

I'm with Dog, and I was groomed. My behaviour mirrors your DD's at the time too.

Don't be angry at her, regardless of how it's hurting you. Look deeper into nit, and rule out aby foul play

I have myself been in a sort of similar situation myself as a teen. My mother had a creepy lover, but he treated me in such a way that i felt like a princess. The least i could think about was my mother's feelings. She never found out, and it took me several years to understand how creepy that man really was.

I'm going to try and say this gently but although this must be a shock you have no right to say you Can't forgive her.

You were with him 3 years and free for c. 2? So from 13-16ish you put her through hell by exposing her to a violent terrifying homelife. You say you had an ongoing good relationship so she forgave you.

I know it's not so clear cut that you should have walked away earlier but then if you had your reasons for staying so long in an abusive relationship then maybe open your mind and consider maybe she stayed strong for you and her siblings until you felt safe and this is the backlash.

She needs help, she's suffering and lashing out and its your turn to be there for her. How I'm not sure. Maybe seek counselling with her? Listen to her?

What she's done? What about what you have done to her? I think you need to take some responsibility for the trauma that your children have been through, and appreciate that her judgement will be impaired because you were her role model.
Your post is all about you.

OP you were an adult with (presumably) previous experiences of healthy relationships, and you've needed professional support to get free of this man.

She's 18, and involved with the same man, who has known her for some years. She's technically an adult, but she's highly vulnerable.

Put the blame where it lies: on the shoulders of this abusive, manipulative man.

What an awful situation for you. I have no advice, as I have no experience, but just wanted to offer some moral support.

Get advice from social services perhaps with regard to keeping yourself and your other children as safe as possible, but I am not sure how much they could do with regard to your daughter because she is 18 and therefore no longer considered a minor.

I hope you can get some resolution soon. It must feel like a terrible betrayal, but as others have said, it is possible there is more to it in the sense that he (the ex) might be grooming/using her.

I so glad other posters have articulated my first thoughts. You put your poor DD through years of a violent home life - she is a far greater victim then you, because she had much less choice then you. You chose the violent man you bought into her life, no wonder she is confused and unhappy.

She needs your unconditional love, support and understanding. It is you that should be seeking forgiveness from her, not the other way round.

Wow gobby way to be supportive. There is no one to blame in this situation apart from this disgusting man.

Op, I totally understand why you feel like you can't forgive her, but if my parents hadn't forgiven me for the shit I did at 18 I'd be dead or in prison. It will take a lot of time but you two will get through this. She's trying to hurt you and she's succeeding, but when the shit hits she will need you and you're her mum. You have to be there for her because that's what you took on when you had her.

Is it really helpful to blame a victim of DV for being unable to leave?