to feel like I wont be able to forgive my DD?

[lastnicknamefree]

Very long story as short as I can make it, I have teenaged daughters and a toddler son. Im currently single, but my Girls were from my 17 year marriage, I got divorced (fairly amicably) and my subsequent relationship was a 3 year hell on earth with an abusive man.
He left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our son, which although I was devastated at the time as I was by this point at rock bottom with such low self esteem, I believed all he said that I was stupid and not able to cope alone. Fast forward to now, when baby was born SS got involved due to DV and he was allowed to see the baby in a contact center, I was sent on a Freedom programme (for ladies who've been in an abusive relationship) and a self esteem course. He has not seen our son since November and Im just, JUST starting to feel safe again, get on top of my anxiety and believe i/we have escaped this man who did so much damage to my family.
This is the background history, but the problem is this. Since last December my teenaged DD (18) has been gradually getting worse in her behaviour, just the usual teen stuff, skipping college, lying a lot, drinking, piercing, tattoos, throwing parties and trashing my home and a particularly un-desirable BF.
We were not seeing eye to eye as you'd expect, I put a few ground rules in place that she didn't appreciate, but no massive falling out or huge rows. 1 of them (and tbh, there were only 2/3) was that her BF couldn't stay over every night as I have younger children and didn't appreciate hearing them having sex or them coming and going all hours. Reasonable no? I said just 2 nights a week please, any of her choosing, Id say yes but please out of courtesy could she ask and not just rock up unannounced as she had been.
This led to her leaving home. I was upset, didn't want her to go but ok, shes 18, felt she could not live by my house rules so I would try and understand/support. BUT I just found out last night that she went running to the EX, abusive partner which frankly has left me reeling, heartbroken and totally shocked!! She has a Dad of her own to call, Aunty, Grandparents and me all of whom would have helped and/or supported her if shed wanted to leave and go about things in a different way.
I just cannot justify or excuse why she would choose HIM after all he did to me, She old enough to understand fully the consequences of mine and her baby brothers safety here, the hurt and betrayal I would feel and frankly I feel stabbed in the back by my own DD and highly betrayed. I feel violated to find shes been with him the past 6 weeks, Im imagining all sorts - the two of them having cosy chats, discussing all my business, and possibly sharing news and photo's of the child he has not seen or contacted since last year. I don't feel safe. I feel anxious that he now know all my movements and whereabouts. I moved in September from our joint home and as I said was only just starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my own home again.
At this point I cannot think of 1 good excuse for what she's done and no reason whatsoever to justify her even getting in touch with him, let alone asking for his help and moving into the same place alongside him (they are both in a caravan park) She's put me in jeopardy, and her siblings too, and with no good reason as she had all those other people to help her, other than her own selfishness.
Up until last Christmas when all this started we were close, have always had a fairly good relationship and she was witness to all HIS behaviour so knows all he did, so she must surely realise what her cosying up to him would do? I cant think straight, I feel so hurt and betrayed. AIBU?? Would particularly like to hear from any other survivors of DV how would YOU react if your child did this to you behind your back?

I don't want to go into detail, but this happened to me, although she didn't witness any of the violence. Be very, very careful if you do decide to let her back into your life. I forgave and it had very severe consequences and we are now completely estranged. He is her father (not stepdad as in your case) but he manipulated her and she did things on his behalf that were beyond forgiveness eventually.

I am still upset about it (been estranged for about 6 years now) but I have younger children to protect. She also has mental health problems that I think were made worse by her father's actions and the estrangement is for all our safety.

Take plenty of time to think about things, get advice from whoever helped you in the past, and if you do decide to try and reconcile, do it away from the home at least to begin with (until you feel you can trust her). I realise it's difficult to take my word for it, especially as I can't give much detail, but in my case I wish I hadn't let her back - it ended up in massive upheaval and I still hear about things she says and does regarding me on the grapevine and it isn't pleasant.

So sorry you're going through this. Take care.

There were many victims here. They were the OP and her children, and the children were at very vulnerable ages. The OP had been severely undermined by her abusive ex and was at rock bottom. Very hard to see the way out from that position at the best of times.

It is very easy to sit in judgment from the outside and tell her what she should or should not have done. I am sure she herself can see much of that with the value of hindsight now too.

She and her children (including the 18 year old daughter) need lots of support, but nobody can force the 18 year old to accept that though. She (the OP) needs support on here in order to see the way forward. People have rightly pointed out that the ex may be grooming the daughter or may have some hold over her. There has been the suggestion that she should leave the way open for her daughter to come back to her because of this perspective (which she may not have considered in the heat of the moment) and that may well be correct.

I can see why the OP thinks as she does. They are a family in crisis. I hope she does eventually forgive her daughter, but it must be impossible not to be hurt.

So the daughter is actually acting in the same way as her Mother did?

Unbelievable that you would place this at the door of your poor DD.
you exposed her to to this way of life, now you are aghast that she is acting out.
You need to take some responsibility here. She would not be like this if not exposed to violence at such an impressionable age, a choice that you made.
I would inform the DVU, and social services who were involved.

I think you need to start thinking about how your dd is feeling. You invited a violent man into yours and your child's lives, your dd witnessed that violence at a really impressionable age and you were angry at her for having sex loudly with her boyfriend, if my mum was annoyed at me for having my boyfriend to stay when I had had to live in fear in my own home because of my mum's violent dp I would be very annoyed.

You talk about your breakup and the following violent relationship and how that effected you but not how that effected your daughter, maybe she is so into her boyfriend because she is desperate for a stable male figure in her life and maybe he is unsuitable partly because of the example you have set her.

Your dd is living with a man you know is violent yet you are not worried about the very immediate and real risk to her you are worried that she might show him photos of her brother.

You should be asking your dd for forgiveness for letting a vile dangerous man be a part of her life.

YANBU to feel hurt. However, I hope you will be able to forgive her. As you know, it was hard for you to separate from this guy and identify his behaviour as abusive, she has much less life experience than you so it will be harder for her, she is even more vulnerable than you were.

Like someone has already said, fake it until you really can forgive her. MAke sure you and the at-home children are safe, and see what you can do to get your daughter out of this situation, help her get her life on track away from this abusive man.

OP

I can understand how you feel. But she really is only a child.

Not sure why you expect your dd to spare your feelings. Did you think about hers when you brought a violent abusive man into her home during her teenage years?

You are now only thinking what her moving to him does to you.

rabbitrisen

Yep. It's exactly what happens. Women who grow up witnessing domestic violence grow up to think that violence is part of relationships.

If you've seen your father hitting your mother all your life, you have grown up listening to the abuser's script, and you are going to have even more difficulty questioning an abusive partner's right to hurt you.

I understand the posters who are asking the OP for more compassion and understanding for her DD's behaviour but fuck me! The blame being places on the OP is frankly appalling.

You feel hurt and betrayed.

Can you imagine how a child who grows up in this situation feels?

I think you need to take this to your Family Therapy session to gain some perspective on this

Well, softlysoftly - my children are perfectly fine thank you so no need to worry about them.

gobbynorthernbird - I am aware the daughter has been through a lot but she should have the maturity to know how her mother is going to feel about her running off to the abusive ex and everyone has free choice. She has chosen to this. Not made to do it because her mother was unlucky enough to be in a violent relationship for a while. Why not read the many threads on here where people are posting their partner has hit them and berate them for not leaving immediately.

Not everyone who grows up in an abusive situation believes it to be normal and repeats the cycle.

JonesRipley Fri 25-Apr-14 18:28:10
OP

I can understand how you feel. But she really is only a child.

Erm... Nope, 18, she's an adult.

smelly

I disagree.

OP, the daughter isn't to blame.
The OP isn't to blame either.

OPs ex is the one who should be blamed. He manipulated and abused the OP. Chances are he plans to do the same to DD together back at the ex.

I think OP should leave a door open to DD, treat her as an adult and accept her choices in boyfriends and father figures. He is the baby's father so will always be in OPs and DDs lives. OP needs to take this into account, put a period to what happened in the past and move on and try and create a happy life for herself and the people she cares about.

Itsfab

Great post. My thoughts exactly. Some nasty posts to the OP, but there again, I just realised, its Friday!!!!

I don't think the op should blame her dd but neither should we blame op for staying with that man.
My doctor told me it takes an average of 30 attempts to leave an abusive partner....30!
She told me this as I was feeling bad for not leaving an emotionally abusive man ( way back in the past.)

The daughter should be mature enough to do X, Y, and Z. But she isn't. She's 18. I have a DD the same age and I don't think for a second that she'd be equipped to deal with either the DV or the aftermath. Statistics show that although not all children who are either abused or witness abuse will go on to repeat the patterns, a high percentage do.

Some of the comments towards the OP are shocking.

Has anyone considered that maybe,just maybe the DD is just a stroppy,selfish teen who knows which buttons to press to piss her mother off and get her own way ?

Yes, I totally agree that the DD has been affected by the DV she witnessed and she needs compassion and understanding from her mother in respect of this, but it doesn't take away that at 18 she's old enough to know and understand that the consequences of her actions are not only putting her mothers safety in jeopardy but also that of her baby brother.

And the mother was, presumably, older than her DD when the child was exposed to DV and put at risk?

That should read 'was older than her DD is now when the child', etc.

Victim blaming at his worst, gnb.

You could equally say that the mother should have had the maturity to remove her children from that situation.

And that would be a hell of a lot more justified as she was presumably in her 30s rather than 18.

I know people think they're being kind by backing the OP 100%, but IRL the daughter would be quite justified in feeling both anger towards her mother and also difficulty in not viewing DV as normal.

I think to minimize the daughters feelings and advise the OP she has no responsibility for dealing with them is terribly bad advice. In the short term (eg next ten minutes or so) it might make the OP feel good, but in the long term it's going to be massively destructive on her relationship with her daughter. If she takes no responsibility for the problems in the daughters childhood yet persecutes her daughter when DD makes her own mistakes then DD would have huge grounds for being massively aggrieved.

Itsfab, the OP is doing some victim blaming of her own.

And why is it okay for her mother to put her safety in far, far worse jeopardy by actually living with the man but when DD takes a far smaller risk it's terrible.

Some massive hypocrisy going on here.