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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I wont be able to forgive my DD?

111 replies

lastnicknamefree · 25/04/2014 16:31

Very long story as short as I can make it, I have teenaged daughters and a toddler son. Im currently single, but my Girls were from my 17 year marriage, I got divorced (fairly amicably) and my subsequent relationship was a 3 year hell on earth with an abusive man.
He left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our son, which although I was devastated at the time as I was by this point at rock bottom with such low self esteem, I believed all he said that I was stupid and not able to cope alone. Fast forward to now, when baby was born SS got involved due to DV and he was allowed to see the baby in a contact center, I was sent on a Freedom programme (for ladies who've been in an abusive relationship) and a self esteem course. He has not seen our son since November and Im just, JUST starting to feel safe again, get on top of my anxiety and believe i/we have escaped this man who did so much damage to my family.
This is the background history, but the problem is this. Since last December my teenaged DD (18) has been gradually getting worse in her behaviour, just the usual teen stuff, skipping college, lying a lot, drinking, piercing, tattoos, throwing parties and trashing my home and a particularly un-desirable BF.
We were not seeing eye to eye as you'd expect, I put a few ground rules in place that she didn't appreciate, but no massive falling out or huge rows. 1 of them (and tbh, there were only 2/3) was that her BF couldn't stay over every night as I have younger children and didn't appreciate hearing them having sex or them coming and going all hours. Reasonable no? I said just 2 nights a week please, any of her choosing, Id say yes but please out of courtesy could she ask and not just rock up unannounced as she had been.
This led to her leaving home. I was upset, didn't want her to go but ok, shes 18, felt she could not live by my house rules so I would try and understand/support. BUT I just found out last night that she went running to the EX, abusive partner which frankly has left me reeling, heartbroken and totally shocked!! She has a Dad of her own to call, Aunty, Grandparents and me all of whom would have helped and/or supported her if shed wanted to leave and go about things in a different way.
I just cannot justify or excuse why she would choose HIM after all he did to me, She old enough to understand fully the consequences of mine and her baby brothers safety here, the hurt and betrayal I would feel and frankly I feel stabbed in the back by my own DD and highly betrayed. I feel violated to find shes been with him the past 6 weeks, Im imagining all sorts - the two of them having cosy chats, discussing all my business, and possibly sharing news and photo's of the child he has not seen or contacted since last year. I don't feel safe. I feel anxious that he now know all my movements and whereabouts. I moved in September from our joint home and as I said was only just starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my own home again.
At this point I cannot think of 1 good excuse for what she's done and no reason whatsoever to justify her even getting in touch with him, let alone asking for his help and moving into the same place alongside him (they are both in a caravan park) She's put me in jeopardy, and her siblings too, and with no good reason as she had all those other people to help her, other than her own selfishness.
Up until last Christmas when all this started we were close, have always had a fairly good relationship and she was witness to all HIS behaviour so knows all he did, so she must surely realise what her cosying up to him would do? I cant think straight, I feel so hurt and betrayed. AIBU?? Would particularly like to hear from any other survivors of DV how would YOU react if your child did this to you behind your back?

OP posts:
thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 19:14

I agree with ikeaismylocal you were fooled by this bastard op.

Presumably you are a hell of a lot older than your dd.

She wants a dad figure and if you/she arnt careful she will pick a bastard just like you did.

Hey advice. How could you even think to give up on her?

gobbynorthernbird · 25/04/2014 19:16

But the DD is a bigger victim. She was a child. She is only just technically not a child. There is a strong possibility that she is being abused now (even if by being manipulated by this man, I doubt he is just feeling particularly fatherly), and the OP is all about the OP.
Poor kid.

smellysammy · 25/04/2014 19:20

thebodydoestricks

Bollocks. If she wanted a 'man' figure, she would have gone to her DAD, not her mums ex-abusive boy friend. She just wanted to hurt her Mum, which she obviously managed to do. If she was 15, I could forgive, but she isn't, she's an adult. Jeez. I cannot believe how 'wet behind the ears' some of you are, on here.

Itsfab · 25/04/2014 19:21

Obviously a 30 year old should be able to leave an abusive relationship much easier than an 18 year old but try telling people being beaten now they should have the maturity to leave immediately and you would have some very forceful posts. It really isn't that simple.

I just don't buy it that a kid who saw violence is automatically going to seek out the same kind of relationship.

Fathertedfan · 25/04/2014 19:24

I'd speak to social services and get some professional input in this one. There are a number of scenarios, and it's not something I'd like to play guessing games about. Your daughter may be 18, but that's still pretty young in my eyes.

thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 19:25

Get not hey.

TillyTellTale · 25/04/2014 19:27

smellysammy presumably you don't donate to Women's Aid, because they support adult women?

Itsfab Automatically? No Likely? Yes. Vulnerable? Yes. Deserving of compassion? Yes.

There's one person at fault here, and it's an abusive ex. Not the OP and not her daughter.

thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 19:30

smelly I have been in an abusive relationship as a teen. I grew up in one as my dad was controlling and often violent to mom and particularly my older sis who is estranged from him and mom. I have 4 teens and older. I am Definatly not wet behind the ears

Of course her dd is punishing her. She's not emotionally mature as she didn't grow up in an emotionally mature household.

She needs help not the one person who should give unconditional love turning her back on her.

rabbitrisen · 25/04/2014 19:34

15 a child
18 an adult.

And she is now all happy and bunny like I presume.
All her feelings have gone away and she is just skipping around?

rabbitrisen · 25/04/2014 19:36

I am beginiing to feel a little uneasy.

I am beginning to think that, collectively, this is all a bit harsh and raw for the op to take [am aware that she has not posted for a couple of hours]

Hope that you are ok op Thanks

mathanxiety · 25/04/2014 19:41

You absolutely must consider the possibility that this man groomed your DD while he was under your roof.

mathanxiety · 25/04/2014 19:43

I say this because abusers divide and conquer, and they control not only the partner but everyone else too; the way they do this isn't always the fist and the anger and the threats.

You know this or you wouldn't be worried about your little DS.

smellysammy · 25/04/2014 19:44

mathanxiety

Oh ffs. Why is that then?

thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 19:46

Op honestly you have been bloody brave to get rid if this total bastard.

Too many bastard men have come between you and your dd. I think she's very angry with you and is hitting back.

Is there a female relative who she is close to who could mediate?

A friend? Who does she trust?

A lot of anger here is directed at the situation not personally at you op.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/04/2014 19:47

I don't doubt if you could turn the clock back you would. You have spent a long time trying to recover and now this, DD apparently stabbing you in the back. You must be extremely worried about what ex will do next regarding you and baby but please find it in your heart to forgive DD. She may regret this herself by now, she may just be lashing out. Anger may have spurred her on, 18 year olds don't always see the bigger picture.

I too hope this poor excuse for a man hasn't been grooming her. The last thing you want is for your ex to triumph by tearing you two apart.

thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 19:48

smelly I can't see your violent posts are in any way helpful really.

NorthLDNgal · 25/04/2014 19:51

Maybe she has done it because she knows it will hurt you and it's her way of retaliating.

I didn't want to write this but she may see that you allowed an abusive man into her home, although you may not have realised he was going to be abusive in the beginning, and she has suffered as well?

Going off the rails is just a way of dealing through hurt feelings, maybe you could get some counselling together?

smellysammy · 25/04/2014 19:51

thebodydoestricks

Hi. Violent posts?? Please explain.

smellysammy · 25/04/2014 19:54

thebodydoestricks

Hi

I am genuinely very sorry to hear about your past experiences. Could it be, just may be, that you have a distorted view of all men in general?

CaptChaos · 25/04/2014 19:57

Way to go victim blaming. Given that the OP seems to be articulate and intelligent and has done the FP, I would suggest that she knows well enough the effect her abusive relationship had on her DDs.

Whether you like it or not, OP, your abusive ex did 'groom' your DDs, maybe not deliberately, but he did teach them to have very low expectations of men, which might be the reason for the dodgy boyfriend.

I agree that you need to get some proper advice from people who know your family and it's background. You say you can't forgive, but you will. That's just anger and fear talking.

Gubbins · 25/04/2014 19:59

Presumably the OP did not enter into a relationship with a man she knew to be abusive. That's not how abusive relationships start. But her daughter chose to run to someone she knew to be abusive, even when there were plenty of more suitable options. Of course she's done this to hurt her mother.

BUT, she's a teenager, that's what they do. I was foul to my mum at that age and didn't even have the 'excuse' of being able to blame her for exposing me to an abusive relationship. So you have to forgive her, like you forgave her when she was a toddler screaming "I hate you, Mummy". Step back from the situation, don't give her the opportunity to dig her heels in and let her father take the lead. And let her know that you love her unconditionally, no matter what. She's testing you.

TillyTellTale · 25/04/2014 20:03

smellysammy

I see no evidence that she has a distorted view of men.

So, how come you're willing to claim grown women with children are negatively shaped by their experiences in order to dismiss their posts, but not willing to believe an 18-year-old who has moved in with her mother's abuser is affected and should be given compassion?

hoppergrass · 25/04/2014 20:08

I would be absolutely besides myself with worry for my DD, not pondering about 'never forgiving her'.

Are you not terrified for her OP, I really, really find it strange that you are so angry with her and not phoning SS, pólice, whatever, now.

gobbynorthernbird · 25/04/2014 20:08

Gubbins, but surely the DD is continuing an abusive relationship, rather than starting a new one. This was a person who had been a huge part of her life for years. It is called victim blaming if we were to berate the OP for not leaving immediately. Could it not be that it's just taking the DD slightly longer to disengage from the abuser?

Koothrapanties · 25/04/2014 20:20

I won't get into the blame debate, but wanted to share something I learnt in therapy.

I had a bit of a crappy childhood up until the age of around 14. My mother was mentally ill, but recovered somewhat when I was at that age. I then massively went off the rails. I was seriously chaotic and Dr seriously bad choices.

I felt very guilty about what i put my family through at that time, they thought they would lose me through the drugs and reckless behaviour.

My therapist told me to stop feeling guilty as it was bound to happen. Of course I was going to rebel as for the entire time my mother was ill, I had kept it together. Finally it was safe to lose it.

When I hear about how your dd is acting now, she sounds out of control and reckless. She doesn't sound like someone who is purposely trying to put you and her brother in danger. You have to understand that the years of dv will have taken its toll, she was always going to fall apart at some point.

She is still your daughter, please be there for her when it all crumbles.