to feel like I wont be able to forgive my DD?

[lastnicknamefree]

Very long story as short as I can make it, I have teenaged daughters and a toddler son. Im currently single, but my Girls were from my 17 year marriage, I got divorced (fairly amicably) and my subsequent relationship was a 3 year hell on earth with an abusive man.
He left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our son, which although I was devastated at the time as I was by this point at rock bottom with such low self esteem, I believed all he said that I was stupid and not able to cope alone. Fast forward to now, when baby was born SS got involved due to DV and he was allowed to see the baby in a contact center, I was sent on a Freedom programme (for ladies who've been in an abusive relationship) and a self esteem course. He has not seen our son since November and Im just, JUST starting to feel safe again, get on top of my anxiety and believe i/we have escaped this man who did so much damage to my family.
This is the background history, but the problem is this. Since last December my teenaged DD (18) has been gradually getting worse in her behaviour, just the usual teen stuff, skipping college, lying a lot, drinking, piercing, tattoos, throwing parties and trashing my home and a particularly un-desirable BF.
We were not seeing eye to eye as you'd expect, I put a few ground rules in place that she didn't appreciate, but no massive falling out or huge rows. 1 of them (and tbh, there were only 2/3) was that her BF couldn't stay over every night as I have younger children and didn't appreciate hearing them having sex or them coming and going all hours. Reasonable no? I said just 2 nights a week please, any of her choosing, Id say yes but please out of courtesy could she ask and not just rock up unannounced as she had been.
This led to her leaving home. I was upset, didn't want her to go but ok, shes 18, felt she could not live by my house rules so I would try and understand/support. BUT I just found out last night that she went running to the EX, abusive partner which frankly has left me reeling, heartbroken and totally shocked!! She has a Dad of her own to call, Aunty, Grandparents and me all of whom would have helped and/or supported her if shed wanted to leave and go about things in a different way.
I just cannot justify or excuse why she would choose HIM after all he did to me, She old enough to understand fully the consequences of mine and her baby brothers safety here, the hurt and betrayal I would feel and frankly I feel stabbed in the back by my own DD and highly betrayed. I feel violated to find shes been with him the past 6 weeks, Im imagining all sorts - the two of them having cosy chats, discussing all my business, and possibly sharing news and photo's of the child he has not seen or contacted since last year. I don't feel safe. I feel anxious that he now know all my movements and whereabouts. I moved in September from our joint home and as I said was only just starting to feel a bit more comfortable in my own home again.
At this point I cannot think of 1 good excuse for what she's done and no reason whatsoever to justify her even getting in touch with him, let alone asking for his help and moving into the same place alongside him (they are both in a caravan park) She's put me in jeopardy, and her siblings too, and with no good reason as she had all those other people to help her, other than her own selfishness.
Up until last Christmas when all this started we were close, have always had a fairly good relationship and she was witness to all HIS behaviour so knows all he did, so she must surely realise what her cosying up to him would do? I cant think straight, I feel so hurt and betrayed. AIBU?? Would particularly like to hear from any other survivors of DV how would YOU react if your child did this to you behind your back?

Made not Dr sorry.

Oh and I couldn't put two and two together. I didn't know that I was trying to hurt my mum for what she put me through. I was just massively out of control. I doubt your daughter is thinking straight at all.

I think Koothrapants is right.

Speaking from experience, it is really hard to just accept that your mum exposed you to years of abuse, even if part of you understands she was a victim too. There is always a part of you that thinks 'it was your job to protect me.'

You've come a long way on a hard road OP but right now your daughter needs and deserves you to be there for her.

I think some posters need to really think back about the decisions we all made as young adults. Ive always been fairly sensible but still look back and think what the hell was I doing.

This young woman has not has an easy life, she has spent at least 3 years as a teenager having domestic violence normalised by this man being in her home. This was not your fault op but it will still have a massive affect on your daughter.

I dont think she has done anything that needs forgiving, she needs to know she has somewhere to run to, to stop her staying there because she sees it as her only choice.

This is just what I think, but I imagine OP she's angry. She probably blames you for putting her in that situation and not protecting her, and what's the best way to hurt you? Exactly what she's doing.

He is very well manipulating her and do think you need professional support.

I have just reread your op.

Where did you think she was in the last six weeks?

I'm really not saying this to be cruel, just to be honest.

You're asking why she is going to him when she knows what he did to you, etc. She was probably asking the same questions about why you stayed with him all that time when he was hurting you. You know now it's a self-esteem issue.

She was affected by it too, as any child with a parent in an abusive relationship is. If she is refusing therapy/counselling it's because she isn't ready yet to accept support or perhaps even that there is anything wrong. If it was as simple as 'this is a bad person, I'll stay away from them' then you wouldn't have been with him for so long.

Maybe she's doing it to hurt you - to punish you for staying in that relationship for so long. But unless you have evidence for that, don't assume it's the case. Her behaviour is indicative of a lot of emotional issues which are probably in no small part due to the DV. She may be getting the same kind of abusive messages from him that you did, that nice-nasty flip that so many abusive people do, you know, "Nobody else wants you so you'd better stick with me."

Try not to blame her. Her behaviour might hurt you but it's very likely not about you. If you can, offer to be there to support her when she is ready for it. She might not accept it but unfortunately she's now 18 and can make a lot of a choices which she isn't necessarily ready for, but them's the breaks.

I wonder if the OP can see how hurtful it would be to her daughter that she herself 'moved in alongside him' and put DD at serious risk yet apparently this is not good enough for her siblings.

I can understand if DD feels like she is not valued if her mother was prepared to put her into a situation which carried a risk she is not prepared to expose her children to?

I wonder if she wonders why the same aunts and grandparents weren't called for support when she was the one being exposed to his violence.

I think just the very fact that she was not important enough to protect from this man whilst apparently she was not is hugely hurtful.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for the OP, but even more for the daughter who was put in this situation when she may not have fully understood it and her personality was still developing. I think that the OP needs to do a lot of listening and perhaps apologising. I think the first step is to let her daughter know that she loves and values her and that she is sorry she had to grow up in that environment.

You need to try go and get her, OP. You need to "rescue" her.

I hope the OP comes back, even if just to read the replies.

Whatever she does, and I don't blame her for what that might be, I hope she manages to get a lot of RL advice and support. I didn't (didn't know where to start really, no previous SS involvement and she had already moved out before the manipulation started) and I wish I had. I don't blame my DD but now realise that the damage she did to our relationship was insurmountable and there is no way on this earth I will risk mine or the rest of my family's health on the off chance that she might come to her senses, or at least see her father for what he was doing.

Again, it is very difficult to decide to cut contact so get the best help you can and take your time. Good luck OP, I really do hope it all works out for you.

Op you need to go and get some counselling/professional advice to help you see this situation clearly and deal with it with more compassion for your daughter.

Is there someone from the freedom program that you can follow this up with?

Sadly you are being v unreasonable to blame your dd and you need help to understand this.