To not understand why GP need alone time with GC?

[slithytove]

My mum is always desperate to get DS alone with her.

"Nanna will take you on holiday"
"You should stay with Nanna"

Innocuous stuff, but I asked jokingly "oh can't I come on holiday too?" and she very bitingly told me no she wanted DS to herself.

She is a good Mum and Nanna.

AIBU to not grasp this need at all, and can someone please fill me in?

Hmm. Sounds like your mum is going about it in an odd way and perhaps prematurely.

I'm an hon. Aunt to loads of kids - I have a very different relationship with the ones I spend time with alone, so far limited to afternoons/ days out and babysitting where I stay over and parents sneak in v.v. Late.

Some of that is due to me seeing them more and some is due to them having a better feel for me as an individual as I'm not obscured by their parental presence.

All the friends who trust me with their kids take an "auntie's rules policy" too so I feel freer to make decisions in the odd circumstances that crop up eg. Carousel ride ok or not? I do tend to try to work out what the parents would do but occasionally get it wrong.

I've not yet caused a major political incident and have learnt lots of things - my friends little boy doesn't really like sweet stuff so a huge bag of pret popcorn is his idea of a brilliant snack. His sister on the other hand would eat 10 cakes if she was allowed!

The kids also get a real sense of importance with one on one time which isn't always possible as families get bigger esp. For those in sibling groups of 3+ so their afternoon out with me can be a real chance to do something particularly targeted to their interests or that is tricky to supervise in a larger group eg. Using the sewing machine.

I wonder if you are slightly misinterpreting her remarks? If you look at the ones in the OP, then they are the kind of fun things you say to build a relationship, not actual plans and she is not requesting taking a 12 month old to Indonesia at all. Similarly, she is saying 'is there anywhere you need to be?' could be ousting you out of your home or equally letting you know she's happy to do the full nanny duty if you want to go places.

I think this will resolve in time, at the moment as you say you are in full snuggle mum/baby bonding time and so you are not keen for your lo to be out of your range. Once they get older, you have different people care for them, they go to school, these things get much easier and you will probably be delighted to go places/work/visit friends or even just stay home and put your feet up.

I don't think you are completely wrong that she is slightly muscling in a bit, and you are not wrong to gently remind her you are the main carer here, but equally your reaction to some of her remarks is a little over the top, she may be offering you nights out/evenings out/help because she feels a bit useless sitting around for 4 months of the year and sees that as helping you. It isn't what you want right now but it might be in the future.

My mil asks for the same thing over and over. She started this when my baby was less than a week old and I was so hurt at the stress she put me under with her constant requests to take my baby that it really affected my relationship with her.

My baby is now two and during that time I've observed her relationship with her own daughters and how she plays everyone off against each other and I've realised I really don't like her.

Her offers to babysit come with the condition that it must be at her house etc. I dislike a lot of how she does things eg asks grandchildren who is the best, her favourite etc

So OP I don't think you are being in the least bit unreasonable. Trust your instincts and don't do anything you aren't comfortable doing.

My mum doesn't get to see my daughters much so when she does, I try to make sure they get some time alone together - they go on walks, go to the park, she might take them out to a cafe or whatever. This summer we're moving house and they're going to stay with her for a couple of days on their own for the first time. All of this is entirely good and right in my view - I want them to have a relationship that doesn't involve me. I barely knew my grandparents on either side and I feel sad about that.

I think this says a lot about your own relationship with your mum, there's maybe some underlying distrust there?

I have to fight for my dc to spend time without their cousins at my parents. I'd love for them to suggest having just any of my dc. But as my sister needs their help more than I do, I resign my dc being among the youngest and not being able to have that time. My il's on the other hand, will often ask to have one or any combination of my dc. I think it's lovely and as I spent many, many happy hours/days - even a regular week during the summer - with either set oft grandparents, I know the benefit of them spending time with their older and extended family. Grandparents can do things parents can't always so for fear of being seen to be unfair.

Obviously this means they do things that I wouldn't. But it's the trade off isn't it - what happens at nana and grandad's stays at nana and grandad's.

It sounds like you want to be a bit more in control of what your children do when they're not with you - not saying that's wrong. It's just not for me.

I'm with you OP.

My kids only ever stayed alone with GPs for odd hrs here & there same for me & mine.

Worked for us tbh.

"no she wanted DS to herself."

I'd find that really hurtful tbh & would be rethinking my relationship.

It would makew me draw away.

Did you spend a lot of time alone with your GPs.

Did she with hers?

I think you are amazing to have your DM at your house 3/4 times a year for a month at a time, thats up to 1/4 of a year!

I think you are going to have to have a quiet calm word with her and use lots of "I" language. eg. "I feel very hurt when you want to go to the park with DS without me. I feel that you do not want to spend time with me. I like spending my time with my own son."

I would also make it very clear if she is ever going to be able to take him on holiday, have overnight stays. So maybe "I think he is too young to spend more than a night away from me until he is at least 7. And not to leave the country without me until 10." Or whatever you decide.
Good luck.

I wish I had your problem. DM retired, lives ten minutes away, is in good health and Ds 11 and 9 have never ever been asked to have a sleepover there. In fact, can go six weeks without seeing her. She seems to get more pleasure out of decorating and shopping. Her prerogative.

I think it is good for the dcs to have relationships with other adults which are independant of their parents. I know that my children's relationships with their GPs are important to them and very different when I am not there (GPs relax a bit as they don't have to do things my way). Mine are 9 and 10 though so I expect them to do more things on their own, I might feel different if they were still very young.

I do however understand your point about feeling rejected by your mother. Despite my mother loving the dcs to bits, I have always felt that I come first and I must say, I like that feeling.

My DM lives abroad so never sees DD alone, I wouldn't be in a different country to her. MIL regularly babysits but again no way would they be going on holiday without me. If be beside myself and very lonely all week!