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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand why GP need alone time with GC?

136 replies

slithytove · 24/04/2014 15:53

My mum is always desperate to get DS alone with her.

"Nanna will take you on holiday"
"You should stay with Nanna"

Innocuous stuff, but I asked jokingly "oh can't I come on holiday too?" and she very bitingly told me no she wanted DS to herself.

She is a good Mum and Nanna.

AIBU to not grasp this need at all, and can someone please fill me in?

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:25

Yes I think it's a little more difficult for you because it's obviously much more complicated. And i definitely don't think you should feel pushed out of your own house to accommodate her wishes! He's a bit young to stay overnight without you unless you're comfortable with that so I think you can legitimately knock that on the head. She does need to accept that you are the parent and she can't monopolise special experiences such as intercepting first zoo trip and so on.

Original poster

slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:26

I really haven't said anywhere that they aren't close or don't have a relationship.

I don't think that not letting him fly to Indonesia alone or constantly facilitating alone time will affect that either.

They have alone time and they skype and he can't even talk yet! She is here nearly half the year staying with us, was the third person to see him walk etc etc.

If they aren't close it won't be my fault honestly.

OP posts:

maddening · 24/04/2014 18:26

I think it is hard that they actively want you not there - as if they want to exclude you.

my mum has my son for days on his own but if he stays over I do - it's nice that when he goes to bed I have a couple of hours with my mum too and working full time I only get the weekends with him so don't want to forfeit that time with him but am happy to share iyswim

Original poster

slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:27

I will interject and say other than the Bali holiday she hasn't tried to nick first experiences, that was just my response to some posters suggesting they go for afternoons out.

My miscommunication there

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:28

I see what you mean about the teenage years being far far away but trust me they really aren't. I just had my babies and somehow my eldest is only several months away from leaving home! Where did the years go?

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:29

I wouldn't b sending my children abroad until they were teenagers or at least older preteens, either, although some people do. I think again that if she wants longer periods with them she will have to accept that it needs to happen in this country because that's what you are comfortable with.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 24/04/2014 18:30

Surely it's just the desire to have lovely one to one time with a little person who you love? Just like i enjoy having time alone with each of my dc without the other there- it's nice for bonding. Why is it so hard to understand that a grandparent would want to bond with their grandchild?

BertieBotts · 24/04/2014 18:32

It's a good thing and you will appreciate it when he's older.

But I do think it's really hard when they're little, I didn't want DS to go on sleepovers etc, I liked having him with me and that's just the way I am when they are babies! It's fine when they're older and I know they'll be fine, but all in good time! I think DS had his first stay overnight when he was about 2 but I was much happier once he was 3. After then, sure, he can go off to whoever will have him!

m0therofdragons · 24/04/2014 18:33

The bond between gp and gc is a lovely one imo and the relationship becomes stronger from one on one time. Without the parents being there the dc will go to gp for everything and gp get to truly enjoy their gc in a way they couldn't enjoy another person's dc. I used to have holidays or weekends at my gp's homes and have wonderful memories and now my dc love having sleep overs at gp's house. I don't find this odd at all.

passmethewineplease · 24/04/2014 18:33

I can understand, maybe some feel as if they're being watched all the time by the parents?

I don't know. Either way it's no big deal IMO, my mum and dps parents always have time alone with the dcs.

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:33

Oh what I meant about the teenage years is that relationships need to develop over the years in order to be strong enough to cope through the difficult times. And that will, IMO, require time alone with each other on a regular basis. But now that the thread is developing it seems that my previous understanding was incorrect and that you don't mean that you're uncomfortable with short periods of leaving him with her but that she seems to want you to allow her to just take him for a day or more at a time.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 24/04/2014 18:34

Fwiw i didnt have any relationship with my grandparents beyond the obligatory christmas visits and it's only now that i see what my dcs have with my parents that i see what i missed. I love that my mum makes sure she has her own time with my two so they can experience something i never did.

passmethewineplease · 24/04/2014 18:34

I can understand, maybe some feel as if they're being watched all the time by the parents?

I don't know. Either way it's no big deal IMO, my mum and dps parents always have time alone with the dcs.

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:36

If my children had had grandparents close by I probably would have been happy facilitating sleepovers at about three. Maybe two depending on the character of each child. Whole day, maybe a bit earlier, from about eighteen months as long as the child was secure in their attachment to grandparents.

crypticbow08 · 24/04/2014 18:38

I think she just wants to spend time getting to know her gc and spend quality time one on one with him! You should be grateful for it, so many gps don't do this!

My mum abd step dad have ds about once a month for a whole weekend (they'd do it more if it weren't for work/travel) and they all love it! Ds comes home full of stories to tell me, and m and sd adore having him!

I also think it improves my relationship with ds as I get time alone to relax and be a grown up instead of mum, and I am fully re charged when he comes home :)

thebodydoestricks · 24/04/2014 18:39

Everyone's different. It's lovely for gc to spend one to one time with grandparents.

Mine had trips out and afternoons together but never holidays or sleepovers. I trusted my parents of course and my lovely inlaws but that wasn't for us as a family.

Now my teens and older lads drive to see my parents and help them with shopping etc. my 79 year old dad has just gone online so needs loads of help.

In your case op I think it's the fact that you feel pushed out and can 100% see that. I wouldn't dream of sending any if mine abroad until at least teenage. Youngest went to America with the school at 11 and that was a huge deal to us.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 24/04/2014 18:40

Not read thread but I agree why this need to have them alone....

Its so they can do things their way and how they think it should be done!

For some GP its really hard ot have to watch us at work...doing things wrong, without us there they can take 100% control...and do things their way.

There is no ohter reason otherwise they wouldnt care, happy with or without you there.

Original poster

slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:42

Or that I get to go on holiday too Holger and sunbathe while she babysits

OP posts:

Original poster

slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:43

sillybilly because they do bond but she actively tries to get rid of me which is not the same thing?

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 24/04/2014 18:44

"Not read thread but I agree why this need to have them alone....

Its so they can do things their way and how they think it should be done!

For some GP its really hard ot have to watch us at work...doing things wrong, without us there they can take 100% control...and do things their way.

There is no ohter reason otherwise they wouldnt care, happy with or without you there."

Paranoid much?

Original poster

slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:44

Short periods are fine, I want DS to love his entire family and to be close to them. Its more the trying to get rid of me and telling me I should go away which bothers me.

Why can't we be the three of us?

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 24/04/2014 18:45

Are you suspicious of something OP?

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:47

Oh yes definitely. That would obviously be the best option. Esp if it includes a stay at a lovely hotel for a few nights with your man in order to facilitate that one on one time for grandchildren

Seriously though, I appreciate that he's a very little one and you are still in that loved-up-with-my-scrumptious-baby stage of parenting. But in years to come and esp with another little one, you would do well to take advantage of any chance at time for yourself and especially time to spend with your husband to reconnect. It's so important as the years go by, IMO.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 24/04/2014 18:47

Maybe you are a bit over bearing and she cant relax and enjoy your ds while you are there as she is worried about doing soemthjng 'wrong'.

Original poster

slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:49

No not at all, I just wanted to find out if this was the norm and if so the reasoning behind it, figured there would be lots of GP here to explain to me!

We do clash, different people, this is just another clash. Not a massive deal.

I will tell her I won't be leaving my home to facilitate her relationships unless it's convenient to me and ill also try and increase those convenient times.

I just like the thought of (for instance) all of us going to the park with a picnic. While she would prefer me to not be there most of the time (it feels like)

OP posts:

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