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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why GP need alone time with GC?

136 replies

slithytove · 24/04/2014 15:53

My mum is always desperate to get DS alone with her.

"Nanna will take you on holiday"
"You should stay with Nanna"

Innocuous stuff, but I asked jokingly "oh can't I come on holiday too?" and she very bitingly told me no she wanted DS to herself.

She is a good Mum and Nanna.

AIBU to not grasp this need at all, and can someone please fill me in?

OP posts:
rabbitrisen · 24/04/2014 18:50

I with you op. Seems a bit odd to me.

I am wondering whether it is because she lives far away from you. So sort of overcompensates when she is with your DS.

Sounds like she has lots of feelings for him.

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:52

Awwww you are finding it hard, I think, to firstly feel rejected by your mum but also to feel as if someone else is having your child to themselves without you. I think you need to try to rethink this and maybe reframe it in your head. I honestly don't think it's about excluding you as such but just a desire to form that special close bond with her grandchild, which is best done as a team of two. Otherwise his world is swallowed up by you. You are mum. No one else matters to him when you are there.

Maybe ask her about her memories of her own grandparents. Did she have a particularly close relationship with one or more of them that she is trying to emulate? If you understand her motivations and especially if you can reframe it so it's not about wanting you away, you might find it easier.

Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:52

Maybe silly but I'm quite relaxed in how I parent him, not helicoptery IYSWIM?

Other than the car seat thing and limiting bad foods there isn't much I'm fussed about for the sake of one day.

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 18:55

I think it is overcompensating rabbit which is the kindest way of looking at it and also something I can empathise with in which case I can try and help instead of resenting it.

She wasn't close with grandparents holger and due to us growing up abroad, neither were we despite loving them a lot (only had 2).
I'm honestly ok 'sharing' DS as it were, but I don't take kindly to the constant "is there nowhere you have to be" and other such comments. If she wanted to take him out I would be much more open to that rather than me having to leave the house.

(There are other issues with my mum and the house which I won't go into for fear of drip feeding and irrelevance but she tends to treat it like her own house and I wonder if wanting DS there without me is an extension of that)

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 18:57

On the other hand you really don't need to accept it if you don't want to. I'm just saying that as it seems like you love her and get along well and are happy for your son to have a close bond with her. Reframing your view of her position will make it easier to let that happen. But it's still your right to set your boundaries of what should happen with your child.

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 19:00

Ah ok, so there are other issues involved. That changes things a bit. You should not feel bulldozered out of your own house.

HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 19:02

Another more generous view is that she regrets not being able to have that relationship with her grandparents, and probably also feels sad that you didn't have it. It's common to try to correct things like that on a subconscious level.

But now I think there are more layers to this which does make it more complex.

Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 19:03

The other issues aren't to do with DC though so didn't want to be naughty and drip feed. Plus I don't want to give the impression that we don't get on, we are very close - too close often which is maybe the root of our difficulties.

Bulldozed out of the house is a very accurate way of putting it.

I think I've grasped that iwbu not to give GP/GC time, especially as DC grow up. But inbu to dislike her approach to it or limit the Bali holiday for now.

I'm going to take it as overcompensation and worry, and take full advantage and have more me time when she is here! :) and try and get her out of the house with DS rather than I leave cos I just want to sleep

Thanks all for your responses it's been an interesting one!

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 19:05

Absolutely. Sleep is the biggest luxury!

Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 19:06

I loved my nana and was very close to her before she died. I also have fond memories of staying at my favourite aunts house alone as a child. (So did my siblings after, it was all very fair)

All of this would be fine, it's just difficult to facilitate with the distance. I'll get her to buy a house here Grin

I completely understand the importance of them having a meaningful, independent relationship. I will work on this, as someone said I'm still in new mummy snuggly baby mode! The idea of him being independent from me just yet is pretty foreign.

We should all look on the bright side though, at least this wasn't a mil thread!

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 24/04/2014 19:10

It'll be ok Smile

Ironically it might turn out that the OP was actually more about the other issues you have with her, rather than the grandparenting. Life is a lot of work to navigate, we can only do the best we can. Good luck with sorting it all out.

sunbathe · 24/04/2014 19:12

I think it's about feeling second-best once you have kids.

Obviously not all GPs do this, but when it happens to you, it's very hurtful.

Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 19:15

Thank you, you are probably right, it's one symptom of a bigger problem. Not insurmountable by any means though. I will be more tolerant in June.

And you are right sun, second best is a very accurate way of putting how I've felt.

OP posts:
rabbitrisen · 24/04/2014 19:17

(There are other issues with my mum and the house which I won't go into for fear of drip feeding and irrelevance but she tends to treat it like her own house and I wonder if wanting DS there without me is an extension of that)

They probably are very relevant tbh.

Straitjacket · 24/04/2014 19:27

Does she have a son of her own?

I am just wondering if she didn't, and wanted one, then that could be why she wants to have DS to herself a lot. To get that experience IYGWIM.

Apart from that, it can be a great thing when kids have close relationships outside of their parents. My DSs are older than yours, and when their Nan come to visit, it is them who ask me and DP when we are going out because they know Nanna will provide them with ice cream and let them stay up later. Also, I am very close to my young teenager sister, and when we go visiting them, it is my sister who practically pushes our mum and her DP out the door. That's because she knows that once I have the kids asleep, I will provide treats for us and play games/generally mess about having a good laugh and she loves it! Might be the case for you in a few years Wink.

Oh the joys of kids!

I seriously understand where you are coming from with regards to the trip to Indonesia. No chance would I send my kids alone on a long trip they didn't know well, and until teen years. In fact, I think I would worry like mad and not like it if it was my sister doing the trip!

If I was you, I would definitely make sure that when she comes, you take advantage of the situation and get some alone time with your DH. No need to stay away from your own home overnight (unless you can afford it, which I would also take advantage of!). Just go out for a nice meal, go to the cinemas, whatever takes your fancy. It's good to be yourselves together rather than as "mummy and daddy" if you get my drift.

Would be different if your mum had her own place near you.

Have a chat with her and explain, she probably just hasn't thought it through that well and just getting excited about having more 1 on 1 with your DS.

Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 19:46

She does have a son yes, blessed with 3 kids Grin I'm the oldest and DS is first official GC

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 19:48

I will do those things jacket I should make the most of it before I'm tied to a bf baby again!

OP posts:
Straitjacket · 24/04/2014 19:52
Grin

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

PrimalLass · 24/04/2014 20:27

We are always ecstatic when the GPs have our children without us being there Grin

obladeeobladahla · 24/04/2014 20:28

Wowzers OP. You sound extremely possessive over your DS. A close bond between a GP & GC does wonders for a child's development IME.

PrimalLass · 24/04/2014 20:34

I didn't read properly. There is no chance any of mine would be going on an 18-hour flight on their own.

Original poster
slithytove · 24/04/2014 20:41

Have you read all my posts obla?

I can't see how I'm preventing them having a close bond. They have time alone, mum just isn't able to kick me out of MY house or take my DS to Indonesia as she would like.

He is 12 months old! Only recently stopped bf lol how much independence does he need?

OP posts:
X3512 · 24/04/2014 21:47

I think you are being totally reasonable actually. Your points are well thought out and understandable. You are hurt that your mum is rejecting you and wants you out the way to spend time with your child. At the same time she is suggesting ridiculously long trips that aren't going to happen! Plus she stays with you for a month at a time. You are going way over and above to facilitate a loving relationship between your child and your mum and it is understandable that you are annoyed at your mum suggesting you go out all the time. I get it :)

Thymeout · 24/04/2014 22:26

i know, with me, I feel selfish if I am getting the pleasure of my gc's company without it also benefiting my dd or dil.

So I dress up the reason for my visit as 'giving you a break'. Fortunately, they're v happy to play along with me and go off to have their hair done or do some solo shopping. I'm equally happy to take the gc off out of the house, if what they really need is to catch up on some sleep.

Why don't you say this to her?

Tbh, it does sound as if there are other issues at play here. You don't sound very secure in her affections.

BeyondRepair · 24/04/2014 22:26

I am not paranoid but I know too well of DM and DMIL who can barely contain their tongues when faced with another womans parenting techniques.....much easier to get the child, alone.

To do things, properly.