To not understand why GP need alone time with GC?

[slithytove]

My mum is always desperate to get DS alone with her.

"Nanna will take you on holiday"
"You should stay with Nanna"

Innocuous stuff, but I asked jokingly "oh can't I come on holiday too?" and she very bitingly told me no she wanted DS to herself.

She is a good Mum and Nanna.

AIBU to not grasp this need at all, and can someone please fill me in?

It sounds to me more like you don't have a great relationship with your mum and it hurts that she seems capable of the maternal feeling towards your child but seems to struggle with you.
Totally understandable that you feel jealous and not petty at all.

Indonesia where she lives with my dad. She was specific on that. also specific he would fly alone.

She didn't specify a time frame so I can't conjecture. Seems like major advanced planning though! Its too big a journey to attempt for less than 10 days.

Tbh it's a huge journey for an unaccompanied person of any age, let alone a minor who hasn't done it. The flight time in total is around 18 hours, not including stop overs.

Plus the stop over so where DH and I grew up and honeymooned so it's a place I want to show our kids together as a family.

Still this is all getting very in depth. My big query is it normal to actively want to get rid of your daughter to have alone time with GC. Seems a mixed response.

Funnily enough we have a great relationship. We are best friends and rub along very well together considering the amount she is here. We talk all the time.

Have very different personalities which results in clashes like this one, and we don't always understand each other hence this thread, but we love and like each other very much.

Holiday together in Spain 2/3 times a year just me her and DS though maybe she would prefer me not to be there

She is also very maternal. A teacher of primary aged kids too.

She also openly admits that I am a better first time mum than she was. I can't judge, I don't remember it even though I was there!

I'd be a bit hurt if my mum didn't want to see me. I don't think that is unreasonable.

I think that is separate from the issue of whether your GP should one day come and see her on his own when he is a Big Boy. He probably would be able and she'd probably do a good job but not wanting to see you too is not that nice.

I think perhaps based on your responses and taking into account that she is a lovely woman, she is maybe worried that she won't have a great relationship with GC due to the distance. Hence the extremes of attitude.

I would never let that happen but will make sure she knows when she is next here (she left on Monday and is back 1st June).

I will take advantage of her wishes and have more me time while I can! all the while planning how to get myself invited to Indonesia

strikeout fail :(

I am more than happy to palm off encourage my DCs and my DPs to spend time alone. What's not to love - freedom!!!!

Although maybe that's cos it rarely happens, but when it does I grasp the opportunity. I'm MORE than happy to take a back seat. Once you have DCs it happens automatically IME.

However, 8000 miles is a bit OTT!!

I couldn't put a child on a plane journey like that on his own. Just couldn't do it. And I wouldn't want to send one child on such a treat and not the others.

I will accept I'm being unreasonable on the Indonesian holiday and continue to be so.

to be honest, I think if I told DD that I'd like some "alone" time with DGS, she'd have him packed and dropped off before I finished my sentence. So much as I love him, I'm careful what I say.

I don't discourage it, I just don't manufacture situations for it to happen. Mainly because Nanna stays in my house! Of course she watches him if I have other plans.

I don't like to presume upon anyone's generosity so don't do this much, maybe I will do it more.

I have an OH who likes seeing his DS too remember! It's a balancing act.

I understand what you mean OP. My mum is similar. It's not the fact that she wants alone time with her GC, totally ok with me, wish she'd actually offer once in a while.

It's the possessive language and seeming determination to cut you out.
Wierd.
No advice sorry, but maybe play dumb, take it at face value and get yourself an afternoon off every now and again.

Personally I prefer spending time with nieces and nephews when they are young without their parents there. I am able to be silly and play with them more in a fun way, without feeling I am being judged by the parents.

If she stays with you when she's in this country what's to stop her having alone time with him here? If I were you I would take the opportunity to go away for the weekend with DP while she's here or visit a friend overnight.

We are skint so no weekends away.
Plus when I visit my friends, DH enjoys the father son time.

Also, having to leave my own home purely to facilitate her alone time with DS? I think that's a step too far.

And OT, but she has a habit of breaking things and letting cats escape, I don't trust her to stay here alone.

She is VERY pissed off that she will probably not be watching DS while I'm giving birth. This to me seems like an overreaction.

Good grief OP, when she's visiting wouldn't you just like to spend an hour on your own with your DH, having a stroll in the park, wandering around the shops or just a coffee and a in a nice cafe.

Its not like you and your DH have to sit on your doorstep waiting for the 'alone time' to end!!

Yes, that's what I meant - the alone time she has with your ds when she stays could actually be very nice for you and DP!

As long as there is no dysfunction or toxic elements the grandparent-grandchild relationship is a very special one indeed and a privilege for both parties. Just read the memories of grandparents thread(s) in classics to see how important it can and should be to a child.

I am not a grandparent yet but I can imagine that when i am there might be an element of nostalgia for my own little ones, coupled with that special joy of basking in the reflected wonder of life that children possess. I expect I will see it as an opportunity to experience that again. I might spend the time reflecting on the circle of life and appreciating the chance to watch a life starting out and developing as my own begins to wind down. I might enjoy the lesser stress of being a grandparent as opposed to a parent, given that so much of life with little ones is relentless and demanding, tiring and guilt provoking. It won't be my job to raise the child but to spoil him or her the way only grandparents can.

I hope my daughters will understand and allow me to be the sort of grandparent I envisage but they aren't particularly close with their grandparents because of extenuating circumstances, so I'm not sure they'll understand what they missed out on.

My grandmother died last year. All my happiest memories of my childhood involve her in some way. Yesterday I smelled her perfume as I was doing the grocery shopping and it instantly brought back all that happiness. Bittersweet. It would be such a shame if your children weren't able to access that sort of memory bank in years to come.

I know I haven't answered your question, really. Sorry about that.

IME, in DHs family, there is a biiiiig difference in the relationship between DHs parents and the GCs who have occasionally stayed the night/visited on their own, and the GCs who have always had their parents hovering. And its nothing to do with favouritism etc its just down to having a more established rrelationship, and feeling more confident.

I don't agree that babies necessarily need to have alone time with GPs, but preschoolers and upwards can gain a lot from the odd overnight visit or afternoon out.

I had this with mil who told me she preferred it when I wasn't there because if I was there ds wanted me (he was 12 months when she said this).
Tbh it gets my back up too, my parents aren't like it at all but pil are very much like it. Dh went to see them one day without ds and mil said 'I don't know why you've bothered coming if you having got dgs with you. We don't want to see you.' It's very hurtful. She's also been very grabby with ds and used to refer to herself as 'mummy' even when I was there so I was reluctant to give her much time with him alone when he was small. He's nearly 5 now and can stand up for himself better so I don't mind quite as much. However the damage has been done and I don't feel inclined to accommodate mil particularly due to her behaviour when ds was born.

Awww I don't think it's that she wants you away, I think she just wants to do things the way most grandparents do, maybe due to her memories of her own grandparents? It's just the way things usually go (probably because most parents are very happy to have some time to themselves so eagerly take advantage of babysitting offers) and she's internalised that over the years, I expect.

I think maybe you are feeling a little left out because you two are so close and of course she's still your mum. Completely understandable. But maybe try not to see it as being to the exclusion of you because I really don't think that's what it's about

The distance and complexity of the journey makes the holiday thing impossible when your ds is young - but maybe a teenage ds would be capable of the journey and would like to spend time with his grandma in Indonesia - I realise that the teenage years are as far away as the moon for you, at the moment, though!

All of my dses went to stay with my MIL on their own at least once during the infant/junior school years - and had a great time. I love the fact that they have a really good relationship with her, and I like to think that the independant holidays with her helped build this, but I can't say that for sure, of course. And as she is a lovely person, whose visited us lots too, and who has put a lot of effort into spending time with them whilst with us, I think she would have a really good relationship with them even if they hadn't had those holidays with her.

I see that you haven't spent a night away from your ds yet, and I wonder whether you and your dp might enjoy a night away in a hotel, a bit of pampering and a nice meal perhaps, whilst she babysits at home? Maybe not just yet, but perhaps at some point? If you are going to leave him for a night, leaving him the first time with family might be easier for you.

bee as I've already said, she does see him on her own, I go to the hairdressers or the gym etc. I don't hover as you put it. It's just not as many occurrences as she wants demands

When OH has his time off, we choose to spend the majority of it as a family. Equally, she does other things at the weekends so she isn't underfoot.

I do think it's a step to far to ask me to leave my house overnight just so she can have that alone time without me hovering. Plus I'm not a hoverer. She can get up with him every single morning while I have a lie in if she likes - but that doesn't count as I'm in the house.

Can you accept that it's different when the GP doesn't live in the country?

When I visit friends, either DH has DS or he comes with me as the friends have kids. She has looked after DS when we have been out on dates and we have all been happy.

I don't think I've ever said or implied that I don't leave them alone. I just don't understand the desperation for my absence all the freaking time

As for afternoons out - I've never blocked them, but tbh the issue hasn't come up. He is 1 year old and I'm not yet ready to miss out on his first zoo trip, etc etc. If she wanted to take him to the park it would be great, but it's not been mentioned.

A side issue, but she is a shit driver and can't use his car seat properly yet. I keep trying to teach her.

Another aspect to this is that it's very beneficial to children to have a close relationship with one or more people,who are at least once removed from their relationship with their parents iykwim. As 'auntie max' said above, it provides another constant throughout their lives. And in the difficult teenage years it helps to have someone who can intercede if needed and provide advice from a slightly less fraught perspective. The parent-child relationship can sometimes be very intense especially at milestone developmental stages and periods of flex.

Teenage would be fine, I already said that double digits would be my expectation of such a journey - having previously experienced it with us. Talk about advance planning!

She has implied excluding future DC as well which I find odd.

I'm going to err on the positive side and assume it's all down to an overreaction and worry that she won't be as close as she likes.

She sees DS more than his other GP who are uk based!

We can't afford a hotel, but I am going to visit friends overnight in a month and will be leaving DS with DH for 24 hours. I'll also be leaving DS when I give birth but don't know who with yet. I'm ok with all this, just wanted to work up to it at my own pace. I've never felt the need to be away from him.

Leaving my mum alone in my house is a bigger issue than leaving her with DS as she is so accident prone!