To be very open about 'my past'

[CundtBake]

Hello, sorry this may be long and a bit ranty.

I'm in my early 20s with a toddler. I'm a single mum and shock horror I currently live on benefits! I'm in the process of setting up my own business though and will be receiving working tax credits instead within the next month.

I have had a bit of a turbulent past, an unhappy childhood/even worse adolescence. Lots of sexual assaults/rapes which eventually lead to drug habits and mental health problems as well as me being sectioned.

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and for a long time I was so ashamed and unhappy with myself. But not anymore. From the day I found out I was pregnant my life changed and I have been completely clean for over 3 years, I am a very loving mother and a good friend and girlfriend.

I don't have many friends, I don't tend to befriend people easily as I have trust issues. But I have joined a young mothers group in my area, we go every week and as it's always the same group of people we have all got quite close. We get talking quite a lot about life in general, and a few weeks ago my past drug habits came up. Since then I have felt a huge change in atmosphere within the group. I'm sure they all judge me.

I have been told by people before that I should just lie to new people I meet, including new boyfriends etc about my past. My DP is amazing, knows everything and loves me completely for who I am.

The biggest part of me thinks well, this is the truth, if people want to judge me off of it without having lived my life then fuck them I don't need them. But am I just being an antisocial idiot?

I mean I don't greet people when I first meet them and say 'hi I'm Cundt I'm an ex junkie' but when you spend a lot of time chatting with people it can tend to come up and I don't shy away from it.

Am I doing it wrong? Would you not want to associate with me anymore? I don't feel comfortable lying about my life, I'm proud of who I am now so perhaps I'm destined to not have many friends. I don't mind that much I guess.

AIBU?

Yes, I think Brokenhearted's response would be appropriate it the situation arose again. And if anyone probed further, laughing it off and saying 'oh I would need to know you much better and have lots of wine on board before going into gory details!' or something along those lines.

I think maybe at a toddler group wasn't the best place to share this information for the first time. I'm not saying you should lie but a muted down version might have been appropriate in that situation.

Had you been out for a drink or coffee with them and no children around then it would have been a bit more appropriate. I know I don't want my 4 year old to know what the words heroin, junkie or rape are just yet. So if it was me I would have thought it was an inappropriate comment to make at a toddler group in front of young children who are picking up laungage skills, rather than judge you for your past.

I have a friend (a childhood friend's DP) and he is a recovered addict. He does share this information to all and sundry and is not ashamed. He proud if his achievement (ie now clean) and is in a line of work that helps others to break away from addiction. I have seen some of the reactions from people when he tells them (and I admit I was a bit taken aback at first - because he was very open to the point of over share) but most people soon get over it and realise he's a decent guy with a colourful past.

So OP you ANBU but perhaps tone it back when around DC.

I didn't mention any of those words around the children, I said I used to have a drug addiction. Nothing about rape etc

How ironic that many of you suggest sharing over drink or wines in order to reduce inhibitions. I think that shows how more acceptable drinking is which causes a considerable amount of personal and social harm yet many of you don't want to know someone is recovering from drug problems.

Because sat at a cosy table in a pub one on one is much more of a confiding environment than a bright mummies group with toddlers about.

You seem to have a real bee in your bonnet about this canthis, why can't you accept the majority opinion which is that the history is not an issue but the manner of sharing might be?

And a drink could easily mean a coffee. Just a more personal environment.

I have past mental health problems. I don't generally volunteer this, especially at work. However I do share it with individual friends when I get to know them really well or if I am in a situation where it might help, e.g. friend had post natal depression.

One person suggested sharing over a drink - or a coffee. Many have suggested other settings might be better than a toddler group after just a few months. I don't know why you wish to insist that "many of you don't want to know someone is recovering from drug issues" when it's patently obvious -from this thread at least- that's not the case.

Many of us on this thread are twenty/thirty years older than this op, so do have considerable "pasts". Most of us dont want to be defined by our pasts. The op has done really well, I would just be cautious that she doesn't allow others to label her before they know her.

Not a bee in my bonnet just making some contributions as as are you slithy shame could be said for your self.

My sympathies, I think I over share too much too. In this case I would probably have done what you did, thinking that if they didn't like this thing in my past, it would be no skin off my nose as I wouldn't be losing a close friend, just some distant acquaintance from a group.
But yeah, I've regretted talking too much, and I think you've had great advice here. Whilst you shouldn't be ashamed or lie about who you are and where you've come from, you don't need to tell the whole journey's story to casual acquaintance.
You sound very open and friendly and I hope this doesn't change that about you :)

Fair enough canthis just feels like you are maligning all posters who are suggesting holding back under certain circumstances.

Not in the slightest no, not all posters as you will see there have been plenty of posts between my own, I'm just making comment on things that I have found relevant to respond to that I have a particular view on.

Then fair enough again

I think I would want to protect myself more, OP

Baby group acquaintances are not friends, and also at this stage of parenting, many people are more on guard, and self absorbed than later on.

Fact is, you have just been brought together by having babies of the same age. Others may not be on your wavelength at all. Nobody's fault.

I think from experience it is better to share the negative stuff with fewer people.

Can i also say, that MN is littered with posts about how difficult it can be to make friends at baby groups. For lots of different people.

.. Sorry, pressed send too early. So best not to expect too much from them, ImO

I wouldn't have Judged you. My opinions would have changed though, i would have thought what a brave and strong person you are.

I wouldn't have judged you either but I'm sorry, I do think it is overshare for people you don't consider close friends. I have an acquaintance who slips in oversharing things and it does make everyone squirm a bit, not because of the topics but because it isn't always appropriate in the setting. A girl's night out with one or two close friends is normal for sharing, a baby group with new mates is not IMO.

I only share the details of my mentally abusive childhood and the details of my parents mental abuse of my youngest dc ( that is so shaming but in my denial I thought their treatment was normal,) with a friend who went through a similar thing, my 'best' friend and my husband. Anyone else who asks only gets a broad outline, or no info. It is up to you what you say. Generally people don't want to know about this shit. They are all smiley and superficial. Although I have trust issues too! You want to celebrate how far you have come and what you have achieved, but I am not sure that unless you have been through abuse you can fully understand.

The abuse wasn't mentioned spnky, OP said she had problems with drugs in the past that is all.