To be very open about 'my past'

[CundtBake]

Hello, sorry this may be long and a bit ranty.

I'm in my early 20s with a toddler. I'm a single mum and shock horror I currently live on benefits! I'm in the process of setting up my own business though and will be receiving working tax credits instead within the next month.

I have had a bit of a turbulent past, an unhappy childhood/even worse adolescence. Lots of sexual assaults/rapes which eventually lead to drug habits and mental health problems as well as me being sectioned.

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and for a long time I was so ashamed and unhappy with myself. But not anymore. From the day I found out I was pregnant my life changed and I have been completely clean for over 3 years, I am a very loving mother and a good friend and girlfriend.

I don't have many friends, I don't tend to befriend people easily as I have trust issues. But I have joined a young mothers group in my area, we go every week and as it's always the same group of people we have all got quite close. We get talking quite a lot about life in general, and a few weeks ago my past drug habits came up. Since then I have felt a huge change in atmosphere within the group. I'm sure they all judge me.

I have been told by people before that I should just lie to new people I meet, including new boyfriends etc about my past. My DP is amazing, knows everything and loves me completely for who I am.

The biggest part of me thinks well, this is the truth, if people want to judge me off of it without having lived my life then fuck them I don't need them. But am I just being an antisocial idiot?

I mean I don't greet people when I first meet them and say 'hi I'm Cundt I'm an ex junkie' but when you spend a lot of time chatting with people it can tend to come up and I don't shy away from it.

Am I doing it wrong? Would you not want to associate with me anymore? I don't feel comfortable lying about my life, I'm proud of who I am now so perhaps I'm destined to not have many friends. I don't mind that much I guess.

AIBU?

[Purpleroxy]

It's not that you should hide it, it's more like you shouldn't over share early on I think. You say that you have trust issues and I do also. I don't like making new friends because I generally don't think I can trust them and tbh one of the things that sends me running is an over share, regardless of subject matter. Anyway I wouldn't worry about the group, just carry on. If they reject you, get different friends.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I totally see what you mean about wanting to feel you can be open with your friends.

I tend to see friends in categories. Two very close friends know almost everything, one knows most and friends I've made through work know me as I am now.

There's no shame in how I was but it is my part and I don't want new people to judge me by it.

Some friends can be friends for a long time, even a lifetime but they're just not the friend you confide in. I have one of those. She's lovely, I love her dearly. The friendship works because I accept it for what it is.

Don't judge yourself harshly for being open, just try to weigh up your friendships beforehand. When it's the right friend, you don't regret it afterwards.

You sound as though you have done really well in turning your life around, if any of those women are cold shouldering you...fuck them. Not worth your time or energy.

[slithytove]

I wouldn't expect to have this sort of information shared with me unless it was a good (or going that way) friend one on one. Not in a group setting. That is not becuase I judge you, but because other people can be very judgemental and your past is your past. I have done things I'm not proud of which don't affect who I am today at all. I don't share those things as they aren't relevant.

If you were a newish friend, and this stuff came up, and you shared it (drip fed as opposed to all at once) I wouldn't judge you or treat you differently. I might struggle to respond correctly though - but that is my failing.

[trashcanjunkie]

I have a dark past. Abused as a child by various male relatives, and I used drugs and alcohol and had abusive relationships. I too was a single parent and lived on benefits for a time. I went to baby/toddler groups and met some fantastic women, however, I personally would distance my self from you if you brought that up in a group setting. I'm being as honest as possible - my intention is not to be nasty here - just explaining my inner thoughts. Hearing you speak about it publicly, no matter the context, would unsettle me deep inside. I would feel worried, and would not want to be associated with you. The reasons for that would be - you may relapse, so first and foremost I might be putting myself/child in harms way. If you talk about it publicly, it may come across that you lack the understanding of the difference between secret and private. That information to me is extremely private. I may share it anonymously,here for example, or, I will share it in a one to one situation, with someone I have built up a trust with over time. I would absolutely not share it with more than one person at a time. I cannot explain why, but it would feel wrong, and like I was actually offering myself up for judgement as opposed to sharing mutually with one other person.

I might feel like you had a callous approach to discussing your past, and I have met people who feel they constantly need to 'out' themselves with regard to their past. For me that shows a lack of decorum, and projects an unbalanced personality - again, something I am wary of in the extreme. There is a difference between not being ashamed, moving on and accepting, and then need to seek that acceptance from outside. If you are truly ok and have moved on, I would not expect you to feel the need to disclose.

If you are disclosing sensitive information like that at toddler/baby group, what else are you going to say, possibly in front of my kids that I find upsetting.

In essence, you are marking yourself out as different, in a way most others will hugely struggle to relate to. People don't need much excuse to mentally strike you off their list at these sorts of gatherings - after having a baby you feel hypersensitive to anything that threatens the equilibrium of your daily routine/emotional wellbeing.

And also, cruellest but possibly truest of all.... people don't like hearing about this stuff. It's too upsetting and although it sounds as though you are doing a marvellous job so far, in truth you still are 'unproven' as a paid up member of society.... your 'credit rating' is poor, if you get what I mean. Raising children isn't done until it's done, and a lot of mothers who start of with the toddlers 'clean' in their twenties don't make it the whole way through and fall off the wagon when the childen are anything from starting school age onwards. Does this make any sense? I certainly do not judge you, I'm just trying to explain the myriad of perpectives to take into consideration.

Keep your shit private, have an extremely sanitised version for when questions get sprung on you. Those who get to know you well enough to want to hear the rest of your story will have nothing but respect when they learn the truth.

[Canthisonebeused]

I think actually mentioning you have recovered from addiction was not over sharing in the context you describe. It is a very normal every day part of your life and is also such for a very large section of the population. A casual or even frank mention of this helps reduce stigma and encourages acceptance. Maybe if these narrow minded women you encountered heard this more often in every day life they would have a greater understanding and not shun you for something which is a very common phenomenon in our society and others would not need to hid there recovery or addictions.

[slithytove]

For instance, I have started to make some mum friends - it's been a year since DS was born and I've seen them weekly. We are just getting to the stage of meeting outwith toddler group and sharing more personal stuff - like likes and dislikes, stuff about partners etc.

Anything more personal in my past (sexual stuff, traumatic stuff, stuff I'm less than proud of) I would leave for friends I thought were becoming closer than surface friendships IYSWIM? And probably share over a drink rather than nappies too!

[Canthisonebeused]

The OP did not disclose anything upsetting or tmi or cross boundaries. She said she had problems with addiction in the past and this has impacted on her parenting or experiences of being a mother.

[Ruushii]

Everyone has different boundaries. Drug addiction will be TMI, an overshare and upsetting to some people. They might have been in that toddler group.

[slithytove]

Here is another example. DD died in labour. Now that does make me who I am and totally colours my life, my relationship with DS and my current pregnancy. I don't hide it, I volunteer the information when it comes up e.g. "How many children do you have". What I don't do is give details.

Again, this is something I have recently started to do, with a couple of the mums I have become closer to. And only when conversation brings us to it (quite often since I'm pregnant) and I judge the mood. It does silence a few people and make them uncomfortable as they don't know what to say - hence my selective sharing.

I think anything that might be a difficult conversation should be approached with caution. Does not mean you would/should be judged negatively though.

[Canthisonebeused]

Well if addiction is tmi for some people then they should take their heads out of their arses then

[Ruushii]

Oh, would you say that to someone who'd grown up with a drug addict as a parent and been abused as a result of that? Would you tell someone like that to take their head out of their arse if they found it upsetting hearing talk about drug addiction at a toddler group?

Hmm.

[Lizzylou]

It's really hard to give enough of yourself to form friendships but not too much in the early stages, it is tricky to judge.
I think you may be feeling raw after sharing and feeling judged where that is not the case, or you have misjudged the group.
Fwiw, it would not have judged you or decided not to be friends with you. I may have felt embarrassed by the information and not known how to deal with it, what to do next. How to act around you I suppose.
Give it time. You may have misread the reactions, I hope you have, you truly sound like you deserve to have good mates. These may just not be them.

[Canthisonebeused]

If they were to judge someone else I would feel that sentiment. But I suspect in that case there own experiences would be less narrow that to judge.

[trashcanjunkie]

I think your situation is very different slithy

How absolutely dreadful for you to lose your dd in such a way

But I agree if people feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say, they may just veer off to another corner of the room, and ignore you. I had cancer.. it was very telling socially.... lots of people can't deal with trauma day to day. Then you get the odd gem....

[slithytove]

I think you are being unfair canthis it's not for another person to say what someone else should be comfortable with.

I would hope that they would not make judgements on someone for sharing such information, but they are well within their rights to choose not to be friends.

I can't be friendly with pregnant women right now. Doesn't mean I'm judging them.

[Ruushii]

Ah, so you are assuming that finding certain topics to be TMI or upsetting means the person must be judging? That's a bit illogical. People aren't comfortable talking or hearing about things for a range of reasons. Judging is only one of them.

[slithytove]

Perhaps trash, and thank you for the kind words.

But the point you made is true for myself and perhaps OP. People struggle to cope with trauma. And perhaps sometimes not knowing what to say comes across as judgement or a change in atmosphere.

[Canthisonebeused]

Precisely and it is not for anyone else to say what another person can share about themselves either.

I think that your own situation is very different to what OP talks about and in no way comparable.
A lot of the posts on this thread are also very unfair towards the OP. I'm adding my opinion as others are adding theirs.

[Fairenuff]

I think, for your own personal happiness and safety, give it a good, long time before you reveal anything personal. I would say five years. I've known people be great friends for a year or two and then fall out and within another 12 months they are bad mouthing each other and spreading gossip.

Nothing to hide or be ashamed of, nothing that you shouldn't say if you want to a feel comfortable about it but... be cautious, is my advice. You can always tell people more at a later date but you can't take back what you have already revealed.

[Ruushii]

People aren't telling her what to share. She can share what she likes. People are saying that she might not get the response she wants from everybody she speaks to and that's what she has to weigh up when she's deciding what to share.

[trashcanjunkie]

canthis I had parents who had drug addiction and mental health issues. I suffered hugely as a result. I can't help my knee jerk reaction to want to run a mile from someone who is 'very open' about that sort of thing. I understand how it can happen, but I have worked so hard to distance myself from that 'seam' of life, that I would struggle if I heard that from someone in a toddler group. Having said that, my best friend is a weed smoker - an addict by her own admission. She has struggled in her youth with amphetamine addiction. We met through a breastfeeding peer support programme. We got to know each other away from there, and formed a very close bond. She is extremely discreet about her drug use, and I feel no risk to myself from it, as it is not done in my presence, nor am I exposed to it. She is not proud of her drug use, but she gets no judgement from me, and she is a treasured and valuable friend. I guess it's all in the delivery op.

[Canthisonebeused]

But people are saying maybe she shouldn't have shared it. I disagree.

I doubt very much those who have shunned or judged OP in that group are taking a retrospective view of what happened and attempting to learning from it as OP is.

I think OP has lots to be proud of and sharing in the context she did should be acceptable in our society and it's more telling of those who have shunned and judged than it is of her.

[Canthisonebeused]

Absolute different trash can. With a background of similar experiences I would find it harder to mix with someone actively using drugs than someone in recovery. But I wouldn't judge or shun either one of them.

[Legologgo]

I think people often want friends who are like them. This probably made them reassess if you have anything in common besides kids

[trashcanjunkie]

I wouldn't judge the actual drug use/recovery - but the method/timing/place of information delivery would hugely affect my decision. It's a really emotive thing for me. I cannot bear listening to people talk about themselves and their past/current drug use in any public setting. In private is a different matter altogether.