To be very open about 'my past'

[CundtBake]

Hello, sorry this may be long and a bit ranty.

I'm in my early 20s with a toddler. I'm a single mum and shock horror I currently live on benefits! I'm in the process of setting up my own business though and will be receiving working tax credits instead within the next month.

I have had a bit of a turbulent past, an unhappy childhood/even worse adolescence. Lots of sexual assaults/rapes which eventually lead to drug habits and mental health problems as well as me being sectioned.

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and for a long time I was so ashamed and unhappy with myself. But not anymore. From the day I found out I was pregnant my life changed and I have been completely clean for over 3 years, I am a very loving mother and a good friend and girlfriend.

I don't have many friends, I don't tend to befriend people easily as I have trust issues. But I have joined a young mothers group in my area, we go every week and as it's always the same group of people we have all got quite close. We get talking quite a lot about life in general, and a few weeks ago my past drug habits came up. Since then I have felt a huge change in atmosphere within the group. I'm sure they all judge me.

I have been told by people before that I should just lie to new people I meet, including new boyfriends etc about my past. My DP is amazing, knows everything and loves me completely for who I am.

The biggest part of me thinks well, this is the truth, if people want to judge me off of it without having lived my life then fuck them I don't need them. But am I just being an antisocial idiot?

I mean I don't greet people when I first meet them and say 'hi I'm Cundt I'm an ex junkie' but when you spend a lot of time chatting with people it can tend to come up and I don't shy away from it.

Am I doing it wrong? Would you not want to associate with me anymore? I don't feel comfortable lying about my life, I'm proud of who I am now so perhaps I'm destined to not have many friends. I don't mind that much I guess.

AIBU?

[SaucyJack]

It is a tricky one. I'm not open in RL about the problems I've had, but at the same time I do like it to be subtly obvious that problems exist.

It feels like false advertising in a way if I present myself as a sane, nice person and it's better all round if someone can choose whether I'm the type of person they want to be friends with early on.

[Grennie]

I think this is the kind of thing you share with close friends. If you told me this fairly soon after getting to know me, I wouldn't be put off by your past, but I would be put off by you sharing such a big thing so soon. It would worry me that you might try and start using me as a counsellor to offload about current personal problems. I know that may be very unfair, but just being honest to try and help you.

I do have friends who have had very difficult pasts like yours. We were friends for some time before they told me this.

[slithytove]

It is comparable in the sense that it is a difficult topic which often stops people in their tracks.

I don't think she should have shared it for reasons I have said which I apply to my life. Anything more personal, I keep to closer friends and 121s. Of course OP can ignore this completely, it's just my perspective.

That perspective doesn't condone anyone being judgemental.

Also that may not have happened here, posters have put forward other opinions as to why the OP got the reaction she did. Of course, they could all be judgemental cows. Either way, there is no harm in holding back a little - it's not the person you are now. I do not mean that in a dismissive or patronising way.

[Canthisonebeused]

I'm taking from the OP the conversation was about how children changed your life and OP responded that she had previous drug problems and having a child lead her to stop. There is nothing to suggest that OP gave any graphic descriptions. It shouldn't be inappropriate in any social context to say that and I do honestly feel if someone finds that triggering then there are personal issues that should be addressed with themselves. I say that with experience and not to offend.

[Quinteszilla]

People's past is boring and irrelevant. A need to talk about your past could easily signal that big is not so much past.

[slithytove]

Well something like that would have me and wanting to ask more questions be a nosy bitch especially if it seemed completely unexpected.

So out of fear of not wanting to seem nosy in front of others, or for fear of saying the wrong thing, I would not know what to say. Would probably clam up, and come across totally wrong.

None of which would be judgemental of the OP (at least not negatively) but it would possibly appear that way.

Hence why I would leave stuff like that to a more personal setting.

[slithytove]

Btw OP (I hope you are still reading and not offended) but regardless of whatever anyone else thinks/judges, well done. You have turned your life around and you know just how far you have come. And you have the things that matter.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I don't think you should be ashamed of your past.


But equally, and I'm sorry if this sounds horrid, I would distance myself from someone who would talk about this at a toddler group.

For one thing, you were using relatively recently and that would make me nervous.

For another, I would wonder about your boundaries and overall maturity for thinking that the time and place were appropriate for talking about heavy shit like that.

I grew up with an addict. I don't need to hear that I'm two foot away from one when I'm just wanting a chat about nappies/sleep deprivation/ Eastenders.

I'm not saying everyone is like me. I'm not even saying I'm right. But I honestly think I would be different around you.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I should say my parents weren't addicts!

I had a great childhood.

My brother and close cousin were both using for a lot of my childhood.

[Lizzylou]

But why Can? Why are the ops feelings more valid than the others in the group?
They aren't, are they?

[Tenrec]

I don't know. I'm very shy of my past (a lot of stuff going on and in foster care since a pre-teen) and I do want to be a bit more open (or just be able to say it if asked) but I think addiction and the past can be big matters and can also dredge up a lot of stuff for other people, so although you can share however much you want, I think quite a few people will react oddly. Being open and sharing it when in a close friendship or something, then yeah, but I think with baby group type friends, it's generally a lot more casual/not as heavy?

[Canthisonebeused]

I didn't say they were.

[lollerskates]

I think timing is important. If someone I'd just met told me that they were an ex-junkie it would probably influence the way I saw them because I would have relatively little other information about them, if you see what I mean. Whereas if I'd known someone for longer and they mentioned that they had drug addiction in their history, I would be more able to put it into context of the "whole" person and not give it disproportionate weight.

I also think that if you mention something significant about yourself very early on in getting to know someone, it signals to them that it is a major part of how you self identify. That may not always be a good thing.

[FindoGask]

Most people are fighting battles of their own of one kind or another. You have nothing to be ashamed of but there's lots of things I would never discuss with anyone but my closest friends, and not ever in a casual, public context. I think you could do with self-monitoring a bit more, as others have said.

[claraschu]

Why is people's past boring and irrelevant Quint?

It sounds like you wanted to have a real conversation, OP, as opposed to small talk. Lots of people don't want to talk about anything except superficial things about their children, their house (getting a new dishwasher), their pets (especially their horse). I find that in England it is hard to get past this, even with people you have known for years

I struggle because no one says anything that isn't completely anodyne. At best, it can be a bit dull, but I also find it can make me feel isolated and lonely, and would welcome a moment of real human contact (such as sharing what you have gone through, OP).

[ConfusedPixie]

I'm the same as you op, have lots of play issues that I do talk about when the topic is relevant. I know that I over share sometimes but I don't give a shit. If it's relevant to the conversation then I will discuss it if I'm comfortable with the group of people, because that is what people do, they share their opinions and life experiences. At the end of the day, or experiences shape who we are, and if people want to ignore that then they aren't worth being around anyway.

[MaryAnnTheDasher]

OP, i think you're grand as you are. When you've been through and over come such a horrible time you deserve to speak plainly about who you are. I've done,the same and had similar responses and while it makes me cringe a bit after the event i try not to dwell on how other people receive the information. For me its just fact and makes me who i am today which is really important to me. I think that you do have to appreciate not everyone is as comfortable with your being so open but i find (mostly!) it sorts out the types of people im going ti be friends with from those im not. Don't take offence if people aren't comfortable, its just their personalities, IMO.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I think you need to work on your self preservation - this doesn't mean lying or being ashamed of your past, but you should be aware that some people will judge you and you need to have a way of dealing with people that you don't know but that allows you to stay true to yourself.

Slightly different, but I'm an adoptive parent. People who don't know would never guess that DD is adopted and I had to work out where to draw the line at toddler group with the mums I didn't know (but who might become friends) when the conversation moved onto birth stories, or who the LO take after etc. It's none of their business that DD is adopted, and they would look at her differently (even if in a positive light). But I'm not ashamed of the adoption and didn't want to lie. I've found ways to fudge things - "DD has the same feet as me" (which is true, but not the same as saying "DD had Germs family feet), for example.

Basically, you need a line that is true ("I was a bit of a wild child until I became a mother") but that keeps your privacy until you know people better and can share more if you want to and it seems appropriate.

Sorry this is long and rambling - hope this helps.

[Marylou62]

My very dear friend has a past just like you OP. I 'heard' through the gossip mongers all about her before I even met her.(small village) I admit I did judge as I am very straight and quite niave. We were neighbours when we eventually became friends....and what friends we are!! She says I am her sister and she is my rock. I really have to think what to reply when people ask about her. It is really none of their business. She can be a real JK type person sometimes and has had blips drugs wise. I usually don't see her then (her choice). She says that I have taught her a lot and I learnt a really hard lesson in 'judgeing'! She doesn't tell many people about her past but the first 'friend' she made when she moved here(new start) told everybody!! I love her warts and all. Stay cool, the right friends for you are there and maybe someone who has judged you, gone away, thought about it and actually likes you for who you are, not your past. Good Luck. xxxxx

[ThePriory]

I am surprised by some of these harsh and judgy responses! The fact is, it's been and said now so there is not a lot that OP can do about the responses she already got from being 'honest'.

Advice like 'You need boundaries' 'you shouldn't have said anything' etc, well why not? Just because it makes you uncomfortable...?

It seems there are a lot of narrow-minded people who want to avoid a person who has overcome a lot, who box all "junkies" together into one big batch and seal it off...

I think the best thing you can do is hold you head high. You deserve to be proud of yourself, and you are trying to make friends. At least this way you will make the sorts of friends who you know you can trust. The rest just seem scared of you. I'm sure in time you will be accepted by some of the new people you meet.

[slithytove]

There is nothing wrong with having boundaries and being aware of social niceties regardless of topic. I don't think anyone has been harsh, quite the opposite actually.

For most, it's not the drugs history which is the issue but the manner of sharing. Quite different.

[KissesBreakingWave]

With ThePriory on this one. Maintain your privacy for your own sake, CundtBake, not because oversharing would make anyone uncomfortable. You've been through what sounds like a fair slice of hell, you're still standing, and on any reasonable and decent view you're entitled to wear your scars with honour.

[Suzannewithaplan]

Some very insightful posts on this thread, from Trashcan in particular.

I think the take me as you find me/ what you see is what you get/Ive got nothing to hide approach to life suits some people.
To others it just looks gauche and unsophisticated

[Brittapieandchips]

I have a philosophy of being open (although I'm lucky enough to not have the same scale of stuff) , because it removes any power from people who might 'out' me , if that makes sense.

I think you are approaching it in the right way. Only tell if you feel comfortable and it's relevant, but otherwise you will be worried they will find out and it sounds like you've had enough stress as it is.

[shakethetree]

Nothing wrong with telling people about your past, but there's a time & a place - a weekly mothers group probably isn't the time or the place - once a month I go to the Women's Institute, I'd never tell them I used to be on drugs, it's none of their business, plus their silence would be deafening & completely uncomfortable for all concerned.