To be very open about 'my past'

[CundtBake]

Hello, sorry this may be long and a bit ranty.

I'm in my early 20s with a toddler. I'm a single mum and shock horror I currently live on benefits! I'm in the process of setting up my own business though and will be receiving working tax credits instead within the next month.

I have had a bit of a turbulent past, an unhappy childhood/even worse adolescence. Lots of sexual assaults/rapes which eventually lead to drug habits and mental health problems as well as me being sectioned.

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and for a long time I was so ashamed and unhappy with myself. But not anymore. From the day I found out I was pregnant my life changed and I have been completely clean for over 3 years, I am a very loving mother and a good friend and girlfriend.

I don't have many friends, I don't tend to befriend people easily as I have trust issues. But I have joined a young mothers group in my area, we go every week and as it's always the same group of people we have all got quite close. We get talking quite a lot about life in general, and a few weeks ago my past drug habits came up. Since then I have felt a huge change in atmosphere within the group. I'm sure they all judge me.

I have been told by people before that I should just lie to new people I meet, including new boyfriends etc about my past. My DP is amazing, knows everything and loves me completely for who I am.

The biggest part of me thinks well, this is the truth, if people want to judge me off of it without having lived my life then fuck them I don't need them. But am I just being an antisocial idiot?

I mean I don't greet people when I first meet them and say 'hi I'm Cundt I'm an ex junkie' but when you spend a lot of time chatting with people it can tend to come up and I don't shy away from it.

Am I doing it wrong? Would you not want to associate with me anymore? I don't feel comfortable lying about my life, I'm proud of who I am now so perhaps I'm destined to not have many friends. I don't mind that much I guess.

AIBU?

[Canthisonebeused]

The abuse wasn't mentioned spnky, OP said she had problems with drugs in the past that is all.

[spanky2]

I only share the details of my mentally abusive childhood and the details of my parents mental abuse of my youngest dc ( that is so shaming but in my denial I thought their treatment was normal,) with a friend who went through a similar thing, my 'best' friend and my husband. Anyone else who asks only gets a broad outline, or no info. It is up to you what you say. Generally people don't want to know about this shit. They are all smiley and superficial. Although I have trust issues too! You want to celebrate how far you have come and what you have achieved, but I am not sure that unless you have been through abuse you can fully understand.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

I wouldn't have judged you either but I'm sorry, I do think it is overshare for people you don't consider close friends. I have an acquaintance who slips in oversharing things and it does make everyone squirm a bit, not because of the topics but because it isn't always appropriate in the setting. A girl's night out with one or two close friends is normal for sharing, a baby group with new mates is not IMO.

[kali110]

I wouldn't have Judged you. My opinions would have changed though, i would have thought what a brave and strong person you are.

[JonesRipley]

.. Sorry, pressed send too early. So best not to expect too much from them, ImO

[JonesRipley]

Can i also say, that MN is littered with posts about how difficult it can be to make friends at baby groups. For lots of different people.

[JonesRipley]

I think I would want to protect myself more, OP

Baby group acquaintances are not friends, and also at this stage of parenting, many people are more on guard, and self absorbed than later on.

Fact is, you have just been brought together by having babies of the same age. Others may not be on your wavelength at all. Nobody's fault.

I think from experience it is better to share the negative stuff with fewer people.

[slithytove]

Then fair enough again

[Canthisonebeused]

Not in the slightest no, not all posters as you will see there have been plenty of posts between my own, I'm just making comment on things that I have found relevant to respond to that I have a particular view on.

[slithytove]

Fair enough canthis just feels like you are maligning all posters who are suggesting holding back under certain circumstances.

[TrueToYou]

My sympathies, I think I over share too much too. In this case I would probably have done what you did, thinking that if they didn't like this thing in my past, it would be no skin off my nose as I wouldn't be losing a close friend, just some distant acquaintance from a group.
But yeah, I've regretted talking too much, and I think you've had great advice here. Whilst you shouldn't be ashamed or lie about who you are and where you've come from, you don't need to tell the whole journey's story to casual acquaintance.
You sound very open and friendly and I hope this doesn't change that about you :)

[Canthisonebeused]

Not a bee in my bonnet just making some contributions as as are you slithy shame could be said for your self.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

One person suggested sharing over a drink - or a coffee. Many have suggested other settings might be better than a toddler group after just a few months. I don't know why you wish to insist that "many of you don't want to know someone is recovering from drug issues" when it's patently obvious -from this thread at least- that's not the case.

Many of us on this thread are twenty/thirty years older than this op, so do have considerable "pasts". Most of us dont want to be defined by our pasts. The op has done really well, I would just be cautious that she doesn't allow others to label her before they know her.

[GreenPetal94]

I have past mental health problems. I don't generally volunteer this, especially at work. However I do share it with individual friends when I get to know them really well or if I am in a situation where it might help, e.g. friend had post natal depression.

[slithytove]

And a drink could easily mean a coffee. Just a more personal environment.

[slithytove]

Because sat at a cosy table in a pub one on one is much more of a confiding environment than a bright mummies group with toddlers about.

You seem to have a real bee in your bonnet about this canthis, why can't you accept the majority opinion which is that the history is not an issue but the manner of sharing might be?

[Canthisonebeused]

How ironic that many of you suggest sharing over drink or wines in order to reduce inhibitions. I think that shows how more acceptable drinking is which causes a considerable amount of personal and social harm yet many of you don't want to know someone is recovering from drug problems.

[CundtBake]

I didn't mention any of those words around the children, I said I used to have a drug addiction. Nothing about rape etc

[Pumpkinette]

I think maybe at a toddler group wasn't the best place to share this information for the first time. I'm not saying you should lie but a muted down version might have been appropriate in that situation.

Had you been out for a drink or coffee with them and no children around then it would have been a bit more appropriate. I know I don't want my 4 year old to know what the words heroin, junkie or rape are just yet. So if it was me I would have thought it was an inappropriate comment to make at a toddler group in front of young children who are picking up laungage skills, rather than judge you for your past.

I have a friend (a childhood friend's DP) and he is a recovered addict. He does share this information to all and sundry and is not ashamed. He proud if his achievement (ie now clean) and is in a line of work that helps others to break away from addiction. I have seen some of the reactions from people when he tells them (and I admit I was a bit taken aback at first - because he was very open to the point of over share) but most people soon get over it and realise he's a decent guy with a colourful past.

So OP you ANBU but perhaps tone it back when around DC.

[BerylStreep]

Yes, I think Brokenhearted's response would be appropriate it the situation arose again. And if anyone probed further, laughing it off and saying 'oh I would need to know you much better and have lots of wine on board before going into gory details!' or something along those lines.

[SolidGoldBrass]

A lot of people have specific issues/facts about themselves which are 'different' and it is a bit of a PITA when you are in a social situation and the conversation gets onto the particular topic that matters a lot to you and you have to decide on the spot whether or not to share anything at all.

I would actually have to say that I haven't mastered it myself, yet, OP. Some people are immensely conformist and totally unimaginative and behave as though anyone they are actually in a social setting with, even if they are meeting that person for the first time, is just like them unless the person is really visibly different (eg different ethnicity. hugely different clothing indicative of cultural/religious difference or has been introduced to the group as 'This is my homeless/junkie/Jehovah's Witness/porn star/gay/one-legged/millionaire/home-educating/feminist novelty friend'.) And if they discover that they are socialising with someone not like them, they will either scuttle off in terror or make a big visible effort to display how 'aware' they are and ask questions about the person's 'otherness' all fucking night. The questions may be well-intentioned, sympathetic, etc, but it still makes you feel very aware of your 'novelty friend' status.

[BuggersMuddle]

I think I'd keep quiet personally unless 1:1 and with a close friend. I don't to my knowledge know any ex drug addicts, but I do know quite a few alcoholics - current, in treatment, dry and every variation on the theme. I am, I hate to say, suspicious of those who 'evangelise' about their recovery or programme, compared to those who say 'I don't drink because I used to act like an arsehole / not know when to call it a day' or whatever (not saying this is you OP).

If someone comes out with some shite about ex-addicts then it's your choice whether to try to educate them or just remove yourself from a judgemental person.

Bear in mind though that a lot of people who didn't reach a problematic level will have drunk to excess, used or abused drugs or done other things that aren't socially acceptable in a naice MC family. If you're sharing your history I guess there's no way to avoid it, but there are certainly things I withhold or gloss over with acquaintances.

Final point - you have few friends. Maybe consider whether you are promoting these people to 'friends' too quickly when they're in fact 'friendly acquaintances'. I suspect they are from what you say and it may be that the time to share (unless they raise the subject explicitly and you want to tackle it) is at a later point in the relationship.

I suspect it will get easier as the longer you are clean the less relevant it will be and the less likely people will think it is that you might return to previous ways.

[saintlyjimjams]

I think you're safer telling people 1:1. If you tell people in a group then you risk some groupthink going on. You also don't have to tell people - it's your private business & you can choose who to tell.

If people are funny with you well they're not worth knowing. It's maybe a way to fast track yourself to the more open minded/resilient/liberal amongst your group.

It sounds as if you have a lot to be proud of & I can see why you want to share it (also maybe if you don't share you feel you're not portraying the real you??) but some people will judge you - if you're not bothered about their friendships you may not see that as a problem.

Tricky one - I can see pros & cons with both approaches. I do think you should tell people you become closer to.

[daisychain01]

Poshsausage sometimes a one to one convo is better than sharing too much in a mixed setting. Its easier to manage the flow of conversation and gauge the other person's reaction gradually (body language, facial gestures etc) rather than a big "splurge" in front of lots of people.

People behave quite differently and can be more empathetic individually, when not surrounded with other distractions