To be very open about 'my past'

[CundtBake]

Hello, sorry this may be long and a bit ranty.

I'm in my early 20s with a toddler. I'm a single mum and shock horror I currently live on benefits! I'm in the process of setting up my own business though and will be receiving working tax credits instead within the next month.

I have had a bit of a turbulent past, an unhappy childhood/even worse adolescence. Lots of sexual assaults/rapes which eventually lead to drug habits and mental health problems as well as me being sectioned.

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and for a long time I was so ashamed and unhappy with myself. But not anymore. From the day I found out I was pregnant my life changed and I have been completely clean for over 3 years, I am a very loving mother and a good friend and girlfriend.

I don't have many friends, I don't tend to befriend people easily as I have trust issues. But I have joined a young mothers group in my area, we go every week and as it's always the same group of people we have all got quite close. We get talking quite a lot about life in general, and a few weeks ago my past drug habits came up. Since then I have felt a huge change in atmosphere within the group. I'm sure they all judge me.

I have been told by people before that I should just lie to new people I meet, including new boyfriends etc about my past. My DP is amazing, knows everything and loves me completely for who I am.

The biggest part of me thinks well, this is the truth, if people want to judge me off of it without having lived my life then fuck them I don't need them. But am I just being an antisocial idiot?

I mean I don't greet people when I first meet them and say 'hi I'm Cundt I'm an ex junkie' but when you spend a lot of time chatting with people it can tend to come up and I don't shy away from it.

Am I doing it wrong? Would you not want to associate with me anymore? I don't feel comfortable lying about my life, I'm proud of who I am now so perhaps I'm destined to not have many friends. I don't mind that much I guess.

AIBU?

I can see why you were honest, and I think it's great that you've achieved so much and you should be happy with where you are now.

In my case, I don't tend to be very open about my past because I find it becomes how people define me and I'm more than my childhood. Does that make sense?

If people asked direct questions, I'd answer because I have nothing to be ashamed of, but equally I wouldn't talk about it in a group setting because it would be hard to explain properly. Also, it makes people feel sorry for me, and I hate that! I have mentioned things to individuals if they have been relevant to the discussion.

Sometimes I feel as if I'd like to tell everyone because I'm really proud of what I've achieved in my life. However, I know it wouldn't make me feel better long term.

I'm with Canthisonebeused YWNBU OP because the topic was in context. If you'd just decided it was a good thing to say and you'd gone into detail then that would have been oversharing. All you did was respond to a topic that the group was discussing.

If you've been seeing these mums for quite a while then they should have an idea of the person that you are now and not dwell on your past. But your friends and this thread have shown how judgy people can be so maybe best to not share stuff like this. The problem is that you could have responded by saying that you were a bit wild but then someone might have asked how You should be able to talk honestly when with friends.

Why is people's past boring and irrelevant Quint?

It is boring and irrelevant when it is taken out of context and juxtaposed into a setting where it does not belong.

Because it is in the past and something they have done and not doing any more. Nothing is more tedious than listening to people droning on and on about what they have done in the past, unless it is historically or politically significant, or exciting anecdotes beyond space and time, sort of. Fair enough that it has made them who they are, but I take them at face value as they are now. Thats just the general aspect.

I grew up in a small town with a big drug problem. Junkies were very visible. I knew many of them. I have seen childhood friends, and their mums, dads, uncles and aunts succumb to heroine addiction, some have cleaned up, found God, Allah, or organic vegetable growing. A girl living 2 minutes away was taken into care age 6, as her parents were neglecting her through drug abuse. Her older sister, my age, were not, and she went the same way as her parents. Her uncles used to "chaperone" me home from town in the evening when I was a teen, because "we need to look after our good neighbours and friends". He was much feared, but not by me, as I had been playing with his niece as a child. He never offered me any drugs, he said "my life is on the sideline of existence, and I dont want anybody follow me"

These are tales of tragedy. They are thought provoking. Not something you lambaste somebody with at toddler group, who in its very nature is fleeting and superficial, only serve one purpose: Keep a new mum sane and secure.

The problem is not judging somebody for having been dependent on drugs, but not having social antennas to see that this is not appropriate for toddler group. It is a shallow and superficial setting. Friendships take years to forge, and these types of revelations belong in a different setting. Mums at toddler group are not friends. They are merely acquaintances that right now share stories and get support relative to their childs behaviour and development.

I sympathise - I can over-share in inappropriate contexts too - it depends on how good the friends are. A good friend will just be interested, but there are a lot of people, especially at groups etc who just want to have a fluffy chat about how great it all is/compete on the usual items for a few minutes each week and that's all.

CundtBake you mentioned in your OP that you are now a very different person to who you were in those dark days when your life had all those challenges. You became a mother and are now moving forward positively.

We all have things about us, in the interesting tapestry that is our life. Some of those things don't need validation or discussion with others. Those things don't define us, but they made us who we are now, and now is what matters.

Your past drug usage isn't who you are as CundtBake , it was something you did way back "then". Perhaps its time to separate it in your mind as then. What you have become these days is your "now".

People you meet in social settings aren't the same as those people who care deeply about you. Yes, their views can easily be swayed just by the fact that you mention about "then" because people can be fickle. They don't have much vested interest in your well-being, that's the reality.

Don't over-invest too much hope that everyone will take you exactly as you are, you will be disappointed. Your present and your future are for your DP and your DD, so shake off the past, it actually doesn't matter anymore in the grand scheme of things.

You sound lovely, btw, with a lot to give!

Trashcans response was very thoughtful.

I agree with those who say it would be too much, too soon for me. Sorry. I would think, uh why are you telling me this now? I would suggest waiting for the right time and place.

Anyway, you sound fab op, onwards and upwards.

I would be uncomfortable with a recently made acquaintance/friend sharing that kind of information with me, particularly in a group setting. I wouldn't judge the person for having the actual experience so much as sharing it in that context.

Hopefully it has changed the group dynamic permanently. I would just advise more caution in future.

I know many sophisticated women who are who are enaged and hoser with their recovery/history with drugs and would not bat an eye lid at disclosing in the context OP described.

The fact you're a former drug user would be irrelevant to me. I also wouldn't care if you were a prostitute/bank robber/magician's assistant. The point is, I wouldn't really be very interested AT ALL and would find your revelations attention seeking and narcissistic. Why should they care what your past is? We all have pasts. You might find that some people have far more interesting/shocking than yours. Live in the present, it's all we have after all.

Hopefully it has changed the group dynamic permanently.

HASN'T. Aherm.

The conversation was around how children changed their lives. So it was very relevant.

I'm not generally in favour of oversharing, but would particularly like to point out that just because the other people in the OP's group seemed awkward, nonplussed or upset by her disclosure doesn't make them all smug, privleged or judgemental. Any one of them might be struggling with her own past trauma and/or have an addict in the family and not want to discuss it. I'm always wary of people who want to carry on (and on and on) discussing something in a group situation when it's clear that others present are either uncomfortable with the subject matter or fucking bored with it.

Look no one knows exaclty what the OP said which could make the difference between over sharing and normal conversation.

The women could have been uncomfortable with the depth of sharing. Or they could have been judgemental snotty bitches. We do not know.

The thread has given some very good responses as to why people might respond in a certain way as well as advice about what the OP might choose to share.

And of course it is the OP's choice. I think the clear message is that the drug history for the most part really doesn't matter, it's who she is now. And that's a good thing.

Op all the best to you. You've been through such a lot and now found peace and happiness.

I think there's been some brilliant feedback on this thread - some people will never understand and some will. Enjoy your new business and lovely family.

I grew up in care and I do this all the time I bloody hate it about myself and don't know how to stop but at the same time I feel I want to be proud and open but it certainly doesn't make me any friends and yes that hurts but I different from the run of the mill and won't apologise for that so if I'm judged if just gets them out of my way quicker :-) I have got true friends though

I do need me a filter though

But how how how !!?

Other people will treat you in the manner that you portray yourself so it's always best to put forward a good impression with people you don't know too well. That means not revealing anything which doesn't put you in a good light.

Keep the gritty reality for people you know well enough to trust. The few people who know you and care enough about you won't judge you for your past.

I have had almost identical experiences to you with being raped time and time again throughout adolescence, prison, DV etc, and tbh it sounds like sadly some are judging on this thread aswell. You shouldn't have to hide who you are, although admittedly most things about myself I would keep quiet from potentially snotty, judgemental people. Some people are freaked out by anyone whos lived a life other than the standard norm. Ignore them, theres plenty of openminded people elsewhere.

I really suffer with trust issues aswell and subsequently lack friends. I do have 3 good friends but I dont see them that much anymore, just talk on the phone and facebook because we are all so busy/living in different areas. It would be nice to meet some likeminded mum friends to do things with, but its very hard when you dont trust anyone and theres so many judgemental people about and people who arn't looking for a friendship unless they benefit mostly from it.

I am so shocked about the responses of many on this thread. One of my closest friends told me about his past addiction within a few days of meeting him. He felt it made him who he was, was part of his story, and he certainly shared it in a sensitive way, and I respect him for it. Never did I think ' he may relapse', or that he may cause harm to me or my children.

Let me tell you - anyone could cause harm to you or your child, whether they share their history with you or not. We all need to assess risk as and when it comes up.

Cundt, your readiness to discuss this suggests to me that you are still processing these experiences, but equally that you have good insight into the changes you've made. I'm sorry you've been advised by some to completely censor yourself. I think in time, when it becomes a more distant past, you will be less likely to share, but that will be because your life will be much wider having lived more of it.

As it stands, if I was at a parent and toddler group with a bunch of parents I'd been getting to know, I would be perfectly happy to discuss their traumatic or difficult past if it were appropriate to our conversation. That is what friends are for

No one has said completely censor yourself, that's a complete over reaction. They have advised caution about who, when and where you reveal things too.

Poshsausage sometimes a one to one convo is better than sharing too much in a mixed setting. Its easier to manage the flow of conversation and gauge the other person's reaction gradually (body language, facial gestures etc) rather than a big "splurge" in front of lots of people.

People behave quite differently and can be more empathetic individually, when not surrounded with other distractions

I think you're safer telling people 1:1. If you tell people in a group then you risk some groupthink going on. You also don't have to tell people - it's your private business & you can choose who to tell.

If people are funny with you well they're not worth knowing. It's maybe a way to fast track yourself to the more open minded/resilient/liberal amongst your group.

It sounds as if you have a lot to be proud of & I can see why you want to share it (also maybe if you don't share you feel you're not portraying the real you??) but some people will judge you - if you're not bothered about their friendships you may not see that as a problem.

Tricky one - I can see pros & cons with both approaches. I do think you should tell people you become closer to.

I think I'd keep quiet personally unless 1:1 and with a close friend. I don't to my knowledge know any ex drug addicts, but I do know quite a few alcoholics - current, in treatment, dry and every variation on the theme. I am, I hate to say, suspicious of those who 'evangelise' about their recovery or programme, compared to those who say 'I don't drink because I used to act like an arsehole / not know when to call it a day' or whatever (not saying this is you OP).

If someone comes out with some shite about ex-addicts then it's your choice whether to try to educate them or just remove yourself from a judgemental person.

Bear in mind though that a lot of people who didn't reach a problematic level will have drunk to excess, used or abused drugs or done other things that aren't socially acceptable in a naice MC family. If you're sharing your history I guess there's no way to avoid it, but there are certainly things I withhold or gloss over with acquaintances.

Final point - you have few friends. Maybe consider whether you are promoting these people to 'friends' too quickly when they're in fact 'friendly acquaintances'. I suspect they are from what you say and it may be that the time to share (unless they raise the subject explicitly and you want to tackle it) is at a later point in the relationship.

I suspect it will get easier as the longer you are clean the less relevant it will be and the less likely people will think it is that you might return to previous ways.

A lot of people have specific issues/facts about themselves which are 'different' and it is a bit of a PITA when you are in a social situation and the conversation gets onto the particular topic that matters a lot to you and you have to decide on the spot whether or not to share anything at all.

I would actually have to say that I haven't mastered it myself, yet, OP. Some people are immensely conformist and totally unimaginative and behave as though anyone they are actually in a social setting with, even if they are meeting that person for the first time, is just like them unless the person is really visibly different (eg different ethnicity. hugely different clothing indicative of cultural/religious difference or has been introduced to the group as 'This is my homeless/junkie/Jehovah's Witness/porn star/gay/one-legged/millionaire/home-educating/feminist novelty friend'.) And if they discover that they are socialising with someone not like them, they will either scuttle off in terror or make a big visible effort to display how 'aware' they are and ask questions about the person's 'otherness' all fucking night. The questions may be well-intentioned, sympathetic, etc, but it still makes you feel very aware of your 'novelty friend' status.