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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money as wedding gift AIBU - an update

109 replies

GrumpyInYorkshire · 22/04/2014 13:12

Some of you may remember my thread from a few months ago in which I asked whether I was being AIBU not to give cash as a wedding gift, because I was skint.

The couple had asked for cash, though not in a poem. I said I was nervous about giving cash as I would only be able to afford £10 or £20 and thought that would look stingy.

I got lots of responses, varying from telling me to give a heartfelt gift instead, to giving a small amount of cash, to cancelling going to the wedding and giving the happy couple the cash I would have spent on a hotel as a gift.

Anyway. What I chose to do was give them a personal gift with a handwritten note saying how touched I was to share their special day with them etc.

The upshot? Not even a thank you. I'm not bothered about formal thank you cards, but no text, facebook message, anything.

So all of you who said they wanted cash and cash alone were, indeed, correct! All this "presence over presents" stuff in the invitation was bollocks.

Well you live and learn eh!

OP posts:
ILoveWooly · 22/04/2014 13:14

How long ago was the wedding?

I love a personal gift.

stopfuckingspraying · 22/04/2014 13:15

Perhaps they haven't got round to opening gifts etc yet?

HazleNutt · 22/04/2014 13:15

do you know if the people who gave cash got thank you cards back?

Smartiepants79 · 22/04/2014 13:16

How long since the wedding?
It took me a while to sort out thank yous for our gifts. What with being away on honeymoon and then straight back to work and various other life type things.
Maybe they just haven't done it yet?

MegCleary · 22/04/2014 13:17

Did you say in the note you were skint?

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 22/04/2014 13:17

Did anyone get a thank you card? Always worth checking.

Stars66 · 22/04/2014 13:18

Ah that's not nice, I'd be pretty upset. Last summer I too was in the not a penny in the world situation after being on statutory maternity leave for a year and then starting to look for a job, anyway, we made the trek from London to north wales for a friends wedding and I gave no gift, just a card, and didn't mention money... I got a lovely thank you card saying thanks for coming and sharing our day.
That was the right thing for them to do, maybe your friend hasn't got round to doing the thank you cards yet?!Wink

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 22/04/2014 13:22

Depends how long ago the wedding was. We sent out thank you notes out quite late because they came as part of the photo package so we were at the mercy of the photographer's schedule.

violetina · 22/04/2014 13:22

I have been to 3 weddings in recent years.

Weddings 1 and 2 - was asked for cash.

Wedding 1 - gave cash (£50), no acknowledgement/thanks

Wedding 2 - gave a gift which bride's thought they would love - no acknowledgement, although people who gave cash did eventually (after many months) receive a thank you card.

Wedding 3 - no mention of money/gift list. When asked, grooms said they didn't expect anything but if we insisted, vouchers welcome, which we gave, and had a lovely thank you card within a few weeks.

I have resolved in future never to give anything to a couple asking for money, but send a card instead (and probably not attend wedding).

violetina · 22/04/2014 13:23

*bride's mother

sarahquilt · 22/04/2014 13:23

Tbh every wedding I've ever been to they've asked for cash and I think it's just become culturally acceptable. I'd always give money.

violetina · 22/04/2014 13:23

*bride's mother

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 13:24

I know how you feel HazleNutt

I attended a wedding a couple of months ago too, as the guest of a guest, it was my friend's nephew's wedding and I went as her guest, so I know the couple quite well.

Like you, I am on a very strict and tight budget, and there was a gift list rather than a request for money, I asked on here for ideas as I couldn't afford anything on the list, so what I bought them was a fancy cushion for their guest bed/room, and a kind of wickerwork heart to hang up wherever they wanted. I think in total, including a nice card and giftwrap I spent about £15, which was all I could afford.

It's not that I am the type to demand thankyous, and I'm not exactly offended, but there's been no acknowledgement or anything, so I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it.

mistyegg · 22/04/2014 13:31

I think it says more about the couple than your choice of gift. I've been to a wedding last year where couple (who are pretty well off already) asked for money, spent lots on travel, etc. as well as the gift and never got any reply back...

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 13:32

I asked for cash it was a family only wedding and everyone asked what we wanted.

I still laugh to this day at dh's cousin who refused to attend and sent John Lewis vouchers as we were being 'grabby' she actually used those words...

Its only since joining munsnet I realised there must have been an AIBU to not attend grabby cousins wedding and not give cash thread about me Grin Grin Grin Grin

We didn't ask for cash and if anyone asked what we wanted we said nothing if they insisted saying they would get us something anyway we said cash, but apparently that's a crime you can be strung up for on here!

I sent thank you cards and sold the vouchers pound for pound value on ebay mwahahaha

Purpleroxy · 22/04/2014 13:35

Op I think the problem is that they asked for cash and you gave them an item. Perhaps they don't want the item and are minimalist which could have prompted the original request for cash? I don't like clutter or excess stuff of any kind, even if it's useful. However I would send thanks for anything received. Do you see much of them?

HazleNutt · 22/04/2014 13:35

golden you mean OP, not me. I don't have any issues with asking/giving cash at weddings and I actually mean if I say 'presence over presents' Grin

TinyTear · 22/04/2014 13:36

Well GoldenGytha, the wicker heart would have gathered dust in a corner before going to the charity shop, a cushion maybe the same and I would have thought to myself I would rather have had nothing...

So grabby or not, some people really don't want/like clutter and would rather not have stuff

TinyTear · 22/04/2014 13:37

Also I think it took us about 2 months to send the thank you cards as we were in the middle of a house move

AmberSweet · 22/04/2014 13:37

I think as others have said it depends on how long ago the wedding was? As far as I know it can take a while for thank you notes to get sent out (rightly or wrongly).

On the whole I do see where you are coming from though. I'm getting married next year and thankfully my fiancé and I agree that we absolutely hate any mention of gifts/money in invitations. If someone wants to buy us a gift or give us money then we'll love and appreciate it very much but it honestly is people's presence we want!

My cousin is getting married this year in a different part of the uk to where everyone lives (don't want to give away to much) and literally none of our family apart from her parents and siblings are invited which was a bit of a shock because we are extremely close knit but hey ho not worth falling out over. She then announced they would be having a big party after the actual wedding much closer to home. Brilliant! Got the invitation last week and it contained a poem asking for money for their honeymoon Hmm so we aren't invited to the wedding but we are good enough to pay for their honeymoon? They are both mid thirties and extremely financially comfortable (I do know this for a fact) so again was a bit shocked. Also the party is an adult only affair so that puts a spanner in the works as we have a 7 year old Ds and will have a 3 month old Ds by then as well! None of the above ties in with my cousins personality at all btw so very shocked! Weddings really do bring out the weirdness in people!

KatieKaye · 22/04/2014 13:40

Admittedly I got married in the dark ages, but whatever happened to guests sending presents and getting a thank you letter BEFORE the wedding? Where is the logic in taking a present to the reception when the couple are not going to open it and have the hassle of then transporting the gifts home?

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 22/04/2014 13:41

I'm always wary of judging people who don't send thank you letters as I am some one who always sends thank you letters and make my children send them too.
I hand wrote all our wedding thank yous and sent them off. I only found out a year or so later that loads hadn't arrived. A few years after that two were delivered. I don't know what happened to the others. I'm still mortified that people probably thought we were ungrateful.

LadyVetinari · 22/04/2014 13:42

They probably didn't send any, so please don't feel bad. I've only ever been to one wedding as an adult, and didn't receive a thank-you message or card afterwards. I didn't mind at all.

FWIW, I said thank you to all of our wedding guests individually on the day for their presents (tiny wedding), but didn't send thank you cards. I got as far as starting to write the cards while we were on honeymoon, but something awful happened right after the honeymoon and I totally forgot until I found them again while moving house the following year... TBH our wedding was an etiquette nightmare on many levels - somebody (possibly DH) decided that we would open presents in front of everybody during the post-ceremony party, and I couldn't refuse because I was the last to know and all of the presents had already been piled up in the middle of the room. And that was the tip of the iceberg... Blush

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 22/04/2014 13:43

I'm another one who wouldn't want a wicker heart and a cushion, and would rather have nothing instead.

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 13:44

Sorry Hazlenutt! Smile

That'll teach me not to read the post properly,

TinyTear

Maybe you would have hated the gift, but £15 out of disability benefits is a lot of money to me, and this wedding was a huge thing for me to be able to attend, it took rather a lot of therapy for me to feel well enough to go, and I would have been deeply hurt by your attitude, to the point I'd probably never go to another social event ever again if that was how people thought of a gift it tooks months of agonising over.

If I ever am given something I don't like, I always just say Thankyou politely, but maybe I'm just an old fashoned fuddy duddy.