Money as wedding gift AIBU - an update

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

Some of you may remember my thread from a few months ago in which I asked whether I was being AIBU not to give cash as a wedding gift, because I was skint.

The couple had asked for cash, though not in a poem. I said I was nervous about giving cash as I would only be able to afford £10 or £20 and thought that would look stingy.

I got lots of responses, varying from telling me to give a heartfelt gift instead, to giving a small amount of cash, to cancelling going to the wedding and giving the happy couple the cash I would have spent on a hotel as a gift.

Anyway. What I chose to do was give them a personal gift with a handwritten note saying how touched I was to share their special day with them etc.

The upshot? Not even a thank you. I'm not bothered about formal thank you cards, but no text, facebook message, anything.

So all of you who said they wanted cash and cash alone were, indeed, correct! All this "presence over presents" stuff in the invitation was bollocks.

Well you live and learn eh!

I got married in October, and hand wrote personalised thank you notes to each and every guest (and those that sent gifts without attending) in with my Christmas cards.
Took me AGES!

Since then I've attended 2 weddings, both with generic postcard style thank you notes. I must admit, I wish I'd done that - much easier!

We. We got married. DH keeps telling me off for saying I got married, my wedding etc.

I find it heartless that people give unwanted wedding gifts to charity shops. When I got married I genuinely wanted and asked for nothing. Several people brought gifts and I was thrilled with every one of them. Yes a few weren't to my personal taste but they were given with love and I cherish them.

I'm over weddings really, the last one I went to was fancy dress, a cash bar and a request for money for their month long honeymoon. Jeez.

I gave my niece £50 as a wedding gift. We provided our car for the bridesmaids, my husband drove it, I decorated it with flowers and ribbons. We've never had a thank you or any acknowledgement.

That was 2 years ago.

You sound quite annoyed about that, Haggischucker.

I hate the attitude that if you can't afford to give something the couple really want, you just shouldn't give anything at all. A lot of people are embarrassed to go to a wedding empty handed but can't afford to buy expensive stuff from John Lewis lists and don't want to give a gift cheque for a tenner. Turning your nose up at cheap but thoughtful gifts is really shallow and materialistic. I like having a few bits and pieces around that wouldn't necessarily have been something I would have chosen myself, but remind me of someone important and of the trouble they went to choose a present they thought I would like.
People should be a bit more gracious and a bit less grabby or anxious to have the 'perfect' house, with everything carefully chosen but with no real story or value to anything.

Ditto Openupyoureyes. I gave a wedding card with money to my cousins son for his wedding in October. I have heard nothing.

Embarassingly I contacted my other cousin (Mother of the brides sister) to confirm the card had got there - it was delivered by hand through a friend because we don't live in that country.

I would have been happy with an email or Facebook acknowledgement, but we didn't get any of those. My cousin is a lovely person and I'm sure she would be absolutely mortified if she knew we hadn't received a thank you.

We said no presents. We had everything we needed and really didn't need or want anything. Lots of people pushed us for a list and we said donations to a charity if they really wanted to, in memory of my dad who could not be with us. We were just glad people we cared about came. A couple of months later, the charity wrote to say they had had £1927 in my dad's memory which we thought was lovely.

Sorry, should have said we did not know who had given what so we sent everyone a thank you just saying we were very touched by what people had given.

What a shame that several folk who send thank you letters have decribed themselves as "old fashioned" or even "fuddy duddy" - to me, they're simply polite and thoughtful

Sorry, but I honestly think that the graceless attutude which causes some to ask for cash is the same one which results in a lack of thanks; it also shows up this "we want your presence not your presence" for the nonsense it is in such cases

I have a reputation for being very organised so my friends were delighted that I had written out their thank you cards before they had given me the gift as I'd seen who'd bought what on our wedding list. So when they brought the present round, I handed them a thank you card in return.

I think the lack of a thank you for any present is extremely bad manners. Sometimes I think people have been dragged up.

We had thank you cards made to match our stationary. Wrote one a day after the honeymoon and had them all sent out by 3 months after the wedding. Bearing in mind the first month was taken up with Christmas and honeymoon.

Also, I wrote them all myself (thanks DH), in my best handwriting including a memory of the day specific to that person, with a mention of their gift - or what we bought if they gave vouchers/cash.

Each card took at least half an hour and knackered my hand.

We just attended a wedding in Australia where the couple were relocating to South America 3 days after the wedding.

They asked for no gifts due to the fact that they had already shipped all of their stuff and only had 20kgs for clothes etc. The invite said that if people wanted to give tokens etc, that they would prefer cash or something to be shipped to them in their new country.

His aunt turned up with the biggest vase you have seen in your life as their wedding gift, chuntering that it just wasn't done to give money.

We were all creased up.

I'm also not expecting a thank you note at all. It was our pleasure to attend their wedding and we gave them a generous amount in cash because we can afford it.

Getting married and moving halfway across the world must be stressful enough without having people expecting thank you notes.

OP we went to a wedding in Oct and exactly the same thing. I have a thoughtful, personal gift, and no thank you. I found it and still do very rude. Some people just don't think to say thanks. DH has a friend, we bought a new baby gift, christening gift, first Christmas gift & first birthday. Not one single thank you or acknowledgment so I've stopped bothering to buy anything.

Sniggering at the thought that life post-marriage is too stressful to be able to take a few minutes to say thanks for a gift! Really, it is not so very long ago that brides (and grooms) were expected to write all their thank you letters before the wedding, in addition to hosting "present showings" and entertaining well-wishers before the wedding. With all the time and organisation that goes into a wedding it seems very rude to ignore this basic courtesy that only takes up a fraction of the time spent organising favours (that most people dispose of pdq anyway)

It's unbelievably rude not to thank people for gifts - be it cash, wicker hearts or something else. Doesn't need to be a card, but some form of communication is required IMO.

Mind you, I seem to be the only person in the world who writes thank you notes post attending weddings as a guest to thank the bridal couple for inviting me, so I'm clearly a total young fogey.

Golden I think they were rude and even if the gift was not what they asked for they should thank you properly. It sounds like you put a lot of thought into the gift. Just good manners .

If you can't afford anything on a wedding list it's poor form from the bride and groom. Our list had things ranging from £3 to £100.
If you can't afford something then give something else of your choosing, or nothing! - Nobody gets married for the money - at the bare minimum it's over £400 to get married, and most weddings are a hell of a lot more! So they shouldn't mind not getting a gift.

It costs the license to get married. Even rings are not a legal requirement.

Ah, but some brides are ore concerned about the wedding, not the marriage and lose sight of things. Hence being too busy for months to write, but able to spend hours over small wedding details.

I'm going against the tide here a bit and saying that I have been to lots of weddings where I haven't received a thank you card afterwards. And it doesn't bother me in the slightest. And I would always give €100 as a present or 200 if we're attending as a couple.
I'm in Ireland so maybe its a bit different here but I can honestly say its a nice surprise to get a thank you card as opposed to expecting it. And it could be a full year before you get the card.

I did send thank you cards out about 6 weeks after our wedding - and the little bit of feedback I got was that people were surprised to receive one.

Long time lurker on wedding threads!

Yes of course you can get married for the cost of the license, but not if you invite guests.

I suppose you could ask them to bring a bottle and a packed lunch, and not to mind having an al fresco stand up celebration on the pavement outside the Registry Office!

If the B&G are spending £££ on catering and entertainment to ensure their guests enjoy the celebration, what's the problem contributing to the cost?

As for thank you's, I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the B or G (or both) haven't had time to speak to guests and thank them in person for gifts and for being there. That and having a great day out is surely enough?

Reading this thread I think I'm lucky to have a very small family, and friends who've tended to get married later in life after many years together.

My experience of weddings, including my own, is that the B&G celebrate in their own style rather than be dictated to by parents, trends or traditions.

If you're reluctant to attend a celebration if you think it won't meet your expectations, or it's too expensive or inconvenient, just don't bloody go! Send the B&G a nice card and wish them a happy life together.

And for heaven's sake, don't obsess about not getting a written thank you. Were you pleased to be invited? Did you enjoy being part of the occasion?

If that's not enough for you, YABU!

I don't give money at weddings now as it shows how much you give. Last time I gave a bottle of cava and six champaign flutes in a stunning John Lewis wedding bag. The bride asked for money in a silly poem. I got a text thank you which was nice. It was a lovely wedding, in fact the best I've been to, barring the entitled guest who bought her two dd dressed in bridesmaid outfits despite the invite saying no children.

Actually it may have been a bit over in my wedding costs, but it was certainly more than just the licence - or it was when booked our wedding. We had to pay £35 each to give notice, £45 to register the marriage/ceremony fee, £250 to hire the cheapest room in our local registry office (although this probably does vary) and £4 for the certificate. That's for a Monday-Thursday wedding. So £369 minimum.

I think it's rude to not thank people who give gifts or money - regardless of whether you like it or not. I admit I now feel differently about a person whose wedding I attended, that did not send any form of thank you. Even a text would have sufficed.