Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money as wedding gift AIBU - an update

109 replies

GrumpyInYorkshire · 22/04/2014 13:12

Some of you may remember my thread from a few months ago in which I asked whether I was being AIBU not to give cash as a wedding gift, because I was skint.

The couple had asked for cash, though not in a poem. I said I was nervous about giving cash as I would only be able to afford £10 or £20 and thought that would look stingy.

I got lots of responses, varying from telling me to give a heartfelt gift instead, to giving a small amount of cash, to cancelling going to the wedding and giving the happy couple the cash I would have spent on a hotel as a gift.

Anyway. What I chose to do was give them a personal gift with a handwritten note saying how touched I was to share their special day with them etc.

The upshot? Not even a thank you. I'm not bothered about formal thank you cards, but no text, facebook message, anything.

So all of you who said they wanted cash and cash alone were, indeed, correct! All this "presence over presents" stuff in the invitation was bollocks.

Well you live and learn eh!

OP posts:
MegCleary · 22/04/2014 15:10

How close a friend are they?

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 15:22

Lol At the generic thank you at the table. Yeah my carrier pigeon was off duty that day. It was alongside the handmade gifts I bought everyone for attending grabby bitch I am.

SybilRamkin · 22/04/2014 15:23

Three months is nothing - it's standard to allow up to 12 months for thank you cards following a wedding, check Debrett's.

I'd give them at least till then before bad-mouthing them.

SirChenjin · 22/04/2014 15:23

I don't mind being asked for cash instead of a gift - saves me wandering the shops looking for inspiration. If the couple are dear to me then I'd much rather give them money that they can put towards something they really want, rather than Making A Point and giving them what I think they should have.

Not sending thank-you cards is bloody rude and ignorant though.

SummerRemembered · 22/04/2014 15:29

I'm willing to bet that this is a delayed thank you note issue rather than your friends being stroppy. It seems the done thing now to wait up to six months for a thank you card, which are often printed with photos from the wedding. I remember getting quite cross at not having received any thank you from a good friend several months after the wedding and eventually this kind of thing turned up and since then I've had the same experience with almost every wedding - I think the longest I have waited was 10 months.

Seems a bit odd to me, given that I dutifully sat down and wrote my thank you cards the day after returning from honeymoon but then I remember a furious row with my mother weeks before my wedding because she was mortally embarrassed that I hadn't written to thank anyone for the gifts that were starting to trickle in. She called me every name under the sun and despaired of my generation who had lost the art of expressing gratitude. She simply wouldn't listen when I tried to explain that I had recorded every gift (and cash donation) on a spreadsheet and would be writing to each and every person after the wedding because to me, doing so before seemed completely odd and very premature. My mother went as far as to turn up and my house with a pack of thank you cards she had bought herself (complete with cartoon elephants and very much designed for a child's birthday party) and sat down to write them on my behalf because she couldn't stand the same any longer. I'm not sure how I finally managed to persuade her that I had a whole load of thank you cards printed in the same stationary as the wedding invitations and had every intention of writing them once the wedding had taken place.

I would chalk it up to changing trends in weddings and wait a bit longer for a card.

Burren · 22/04/2014 15:30

I imagine that the couple may not have sent any thank you cards yet - three months isn't very long in the scheme of things. And Sybil is right about the etiquette of 'deadlines' by which you need to thank for wedding presents - I think a year is the standard cut-off, after which you are allowed to call the happy couple greedy, ungrateful, money-grubbing bastards!

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 15:42

I just checked Debrett's, for the first time ever Grin

It states that Thank Yous should be written as soon as possible after the wedding, before the weeks turn into months.

NoodleOodle · 22/04/2014 15:55

I would personally rather receive a tenner than anything made of wicker or cushion-y, especially if I thought the person had struggled to provide it, and choose it. I'd then have to decide whether it was ok to bin it, charity shop it, re-gift it, or let it take up space and gather dust in a corner of a cupboard or similar. I would send thanks for an unwanted gift anyway though. Perhaps your thank you is just delayed...

KatieKaye · 22/04/2014 16:07

Of course a general thank you for indidualgifts is rude! And inconsiderate and lazy. Your guests took the time ad trouble to give you a gift and each deserve to be thanked individually either in person or by letter.

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 16:11

they were thanked individually on the day, they received a thank you card on the day they also received a gift as a thank you for attending. Not a generic gift a gift personal to them to the same value I would spend on a birthday present.
So because I didn't specifically name the give I'm a rude lazy host Grin

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 16:12

*gift

Arkina · 22/04/2014 16:19

Any time Ive given a wedding present Ive been thanked at the time. If a card arrives fair enough if not thats ok too. Im quite sure if you haven't had a card then noone has. I certainly wouldn't take it personally.

One of my friends found her thank you cards in a cupboard when she was moving. All written and everything she totally forgot to post them. We blamed her baby brain Smile

halfwildlingwoman · 22/04/2014 16:50

I think you may yet get a thank-you card. Three months isn't long.

I gave a very close family member £100 in cash for their wedding. Another (rich) relative gave the same couple ten times that. Neither of us received a thank you, card/text or otherwise. 6 years later that still annoys me.

Whitewaters · 22/04/2014 17:59

As pp has said, I'd give it a bit longer - you may yet get a thank you, 3 months isn't that long. For our wedding I sent thank you cards with a wedding photo on and I asked the photographer to take photos of every family group/couple as they arrived and sent a copy in the thank you card. Factoring in waiting for the photos from the photographer, getting the cards and pictures printed and then all the thank yous written it was probably about 3 months before mine were written.

oneearedrabbit · 22/04/2014 18:09

My cousin got married and we clubbed together and gave them money (could have been a voucher, can't exactly remember.) not a word of thanks. (my cousin was the groom.)
Less than a year later, their first child was christened and we were all invited. Small presents from most of us; very generous and thoughtful gift from one of my sisters. Not a word of thanks.
Result? won't be any presents from any of us in the future for anything from this ill mannered, graceless pair.
There is NEVER any excuse for a lack of a proper thank you for any gift whatsoever. And the thank you MUST recognise the actual gift received.
(P S I am also a remnant from the dark ages ... )

KatieKaye · 22/04/2014 18:22

GoldenGytha - it sounds like you put a lot of thought into your present and I'm sorry at the response you've got here. One of my wedding presents was from an old lady who'd known me all my life. She had very little money and crocheted me a table centrepiece. I knew it was made with love and 30 years later I still have it and think fondly of this lovely person who gave up her time to make me something beautiful.

CrystalBeth · 22/04/2014 18:31

themockingjay yes it is rude (insincere) to thank someone for a gift before you have received it.

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 18:35

Aww that's really sweet KatieKaye

That was a lovely gift, and as you say one to treasure as it came from the heart, I hope that doesn't sound too soppy, but gifts like that are the ones that are irreplaceable,

I have no idea how the couple received my gift as they didn't say thankyou when I gave them it, just took the gift bag from me,

I must admit I was a bit Hmm but didn't say anything.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/04/2014 19:11

"That's why I don't attend weddings that tout for cash. Your presence is our present, but give us money. If you have all you need, then you don't need money, either.

I'm not surprised you received no reply. Grabby fuckers are like this.

One friend got a generic text as a thank you. They sent out a mass text. More fool her for handing them money.

LOL at a generic thank you at the table!

It seems the latest trend is to use an evening do as a fund-raiser."

Totally agree. We turn down any invites asking for cash as its akin to charging an entry fee. If you dont want tradional wedding gifts as you have everything then state nothing. Most seem to want to recoup the cost of the wedding or have their honeymoon paid for. Its no longer aout the vows but how much can they make.

OP, your present sounded lovely and three months is more than ample to say thank you. On the plus side, you know what sort of people they are now.

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 19:15

I was thanking people for attending Crystal

Inselaffe · 22/04/2014 19:21

YANBU. We attended a wedding last year for friends of mine, but from DP's culture. DP insisted that £100 was the going rate (I'd have given £40 - what I'd have spent on a present). They asked for a 'memory' instead of a present, so I spent ages creating the memory present and we popped £100 cash in the card.

Not even an acknowledgement, let alone a thank you (text, email, whatever). It's so rude.

KatieKaye · 22/04/2014 19:36

A thank you for attending the wedding is very nice (though something most people do when they meet their guests), but of course it isn't a substitute for writing a thank you letter for their kind gifts (even if you don't like them). All it takes is a writing pad, envelopes and stamps. Don't wait several months so that you can send out personalised cards with a wedding photo on them, just sit down and spend five minutes writing a personalised "thank you" letter as soon as possible after you receive the present.

Haggischucker · 22/04/2014 19:39

We asked for vouchers from tesco for ours, we got given actual gifts too but every item, apart from one serving plate, got given to charity shops as we also don't do clutter and after 8 years together had everything we needed. We used the vouchers to buy a garden furniture set, a new laptop and a wii, was fabulous.

Every person got a hand written thank you card though, quickly written and sent before honeymoon regardless of what was given, we did appreciate that people preferred giving gifts rather than vouchers but the charities did benefit from them rather than us :)

Gwlondon · 22/04/2014 19:48

Post gets lost. They might have sent something and it got lost.

SpiderNugent · 22/04/2014 20:01

id never in a million years give cash, its just too tacky

if they didnt like a wicker heart, then stuff them, bin it.

after 30 odd years ive still got little tacky wedding gifts from friends, and i sometimes come across them and they make me smile. i know just who sent what

Swipe left for the next trending thread