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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money as wedding gift AIBU - an update

109 replies

GrumpyInYorkshire · 22/04/2014 13:12

Some of you may remember my thread from a few months ago in which I asked whether I was being AIBU not to give cash as a wedding gift, because I was skint.

The couple had asked for cash, though not in a poem. I said I was nervous about giving cash as I would only be able to afford £10 or £20 and thought that would look stingy.

I got lots of responses, varying from telling me to give a heartfelt gift instead, to giving a small amount of cash, to cancelling going to the wedding and giving the happy couple the cash I would have spent on a hotel as a gift.

Anyway. What I chose to do was give them a personal gift with a handwritten note saying how touched I was to share their special day with them etc.

The upshot? Not even a thank you. I'm not bothered about formal thank you cards, but no text, facebook message, anything.

So all of you who said they wanted cash and cash alone were, indeed, correct! All this "presence over presents" stuff in the invitation was bollocks.

Well you live and learn eh!

OP posts:
themockingjay · 22/04/2014 13:46

I thanked everyone on the the day too Lady so Much easier everyone had a thank you card at their table, a present - the reason we kept it family only was to buy everyone a really nice gift the remember the day and wedding favours.

If I'd done a bigger wedding I'd have still done cards for the day thanking everyone.

By the time your back off your honeymoon youre back to work and after months of wedding planning I imagine its such a pain to sit and write cards

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 13:49

Ok, I get that maybe they didn't like my gift, but my friend herself said it was a lovely gift, and the groom's mother said I shouldn't worry about getting a gift, I should just come and enjoy the day, I didn't feel right not giving them something so I bought what I thought was a really nice gift.

Are people really so nasty nowadays that they would not even offer any form of thanks for a gift, just because I couldn't afford anything from the official gift list?

KatieKaye · 22/04/2014 13:50

Sorry, but IMO a General thank you is rude. Unless the guests gave you a joint present then you owe them the courtesy of an individual thank you, mentioning the specific gift given seems like basic manners to me.

TinyTear · 22/04/2014 13:50

Golden you say "but £15 out of disability benefits is a lot of money to me"

So in that case it would have been better NOT to give anything... honest!

A friend of mine gave me £5 off her disability benefits... that meant the world more to me than the other one who gave an expensive coffee machine we did not ask for and need...

I am not dissing you present, but I am trying to convey that for some people (decluttering minimalist and so on) a card or something that won't gather dust like a pack of posh biscuits, can be cheaper and more appreciated...

And I did say thanks equally even to the coffee machine I didn't want...

TinyTear · 22/04/2014 13:51

*your present

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 13:52

I got married back in the dark ages so no gift list at all,

I carefully wrote everyone a thank you letter for each and every gift that we received the day after we got back from honeymoon, as well as having a 10 month old DD to look after.

It would never have occured to me not to thank people, even if I didn't particularly like something.

rinabean · 22/04/2014 14:07

Gifts are nice, giving people things they explicitly said they don't want isn't nice. It's especially rude to expect a big show of gratitude for something they asked you not to do (you don't mention thanks on the day as part of your list of acceptable thanks so I assume that's what they actually did). Gifts aren't about you and what you'd like to give, that makes you a bad gift giver.

If you gave a tenner and they thought that was not enough they would be the rude ones. Trying to Make A Point on someone else's wedding day is pretty rude though.

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 14:08

Why is a general thank you card rude? I said how pleased I was people came to our wedding and made the day special in my cards and genuinely meant it.
I didn't feel the need to list what someone had given us in their card. Besides some people didn't give us anything (as we had requested )

I was more thankful people came than bothered about what they'd brought tbh. It like thanking someone for dinner by card and listing everything they made you

OhChristHasRisenFENTON · 22/04/2014 14:11

I think yours was a very thoughtful gift GoldenGytha and even if it might not have been my taste, I would have appreciated the thought, thanked you, and found a place for the items you gave.

It's a shame that not everyone can show a little kindness and manners.

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 14:14

Thankyou FENTON

It was difficult to find something, and the official John Lewis List really was way out of my price range.

I won't give up on a thankyou from the couple just yet though

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 14:18

Golden we asked for no gifts, some people gave us cash some people gave us nothing. We have one friend who is a very poor artist he lives literally painting sale to painting sale.

He painted us a picture for our wedding, it was on a canvas 4foot by 5 foot nothing we would have ever asked for or chosen we could barely fit it through the door. But We treasure it, it now hangs proudly in our bedroom - just Grin . For some of us it is the thought that counts.

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 14:20

OMG poor artist sounds awful...thats what he always calls himself to us I wasn't being rude Shock

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 14:21

That sounds lovely themockingjay

That's the kind of gift that money can't buy,

Maybe, the couple love my gift in that case, both my friend and her sister, the groom's mother thought it was lovely Grin

themockingjay · 22/04/2014 14:23

The grooms mother might have nicked it Grin

GoldenGytha · 22/04/2014 14:36

Ha Ha, Maybe she did!

I'm going over there tomorrow for one of her grandchildren's birthdays, I'll have to have a good poke about!

Original poster
GrumpyInYorkshire · 22/04/2014 14:38

Just to try and answer a few questions - no, we weren't thanked on the day. We have received no acknowledgement that we were even at the wedding.

I don't know if other friends have been thanked or not, and the wedding was three months or so ago.

OP posts:
Sianilaa · 22/04/2014 14:39

I don't mind invites that ask for money - especially as lots f couples already live together and don't need house items, etc. We wrote in out invites that we didn't need anything but just wanted people to celebrate with us, however if they were absolutely sure they wanted to then cash or vouchers would be incredibly useful but not expected in any way.

We had some cash, some vouchers and some lovely presents - some not to our taste particularly but I would never have dreamed of not sending a thank you. We appreciated everything people had gone to the bother of choosing for us whether we liked it or not! And I wrote thank you cards to everyone, even if they hadn't given us anything at all - just to say thank you for coming and how lovely it was to see them and have their support.

Even if you hate a present and end up passing it on/ebaying it, it's still incredibly rude not to thank the giver at all, or to leave it months and months before acknowledging it. YANBU!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2014 14:43

The couple sound rude and entitled, should have basic manners. They should have thanked you fir the gift on tge day and at least an email or PM on Facebook, does not take much.

SomethingAboutNothing · 22/04/2014 14:47

I know lots of people get thank you cards printed with a picture of them from the wedding, which takes time. So there could still be a thank you card on the way.

However, we have been to a few weddings over the past few years and not received thank you cards. One was a very close friend who told me later that they didn't see the point in them. I think that is rude but each to their own.

Bue · 22/04/2014 14:50

People who don't send thank you notes for wedding gifts fill me with the ragiest kind of rage. But yeah, it's probably not your gift specifically, they are probably just incredibly rude.

Sicaq · 22/04/2014 14:52

I agree that asking for cash is rude. But to balance it, I've yet to receive a thank you note for any wedding gift, cash or object. It may be that no-one else got a note either.

Foxsticks · 22/04/2014 14:57

It took us four and a half months to send our thank you cards. Not great I know but my mum was dying and I spent every spare minute with her. Our wedding guests wouldn't have known that, until after she died I guess. I hope they weren't too annoyed with us. There may be a really good reason why they haven't sent them yet.

MegCleary · 22/04/2014 14:59

But did you say in the note there was no gift they had indicated but that you were skint.

Original poster
GrumpyInYorkshire · 22/04/2014 15:04

Meg - they know how broke we are. They also know we had saved for several months to be able to attend the wedding.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/04/2014 15:05

That's why I don't attend weddings that tout for cash. Your presence is our present, but give us money. If you have all you need, then you don't need money, either.

I'm not surprised you received no reply.

Grabby fuckers are like this.

One friend got a generic text as a thank you. They sent out a mass text. More fool her for handing them money.

LOL at a generic thank you at the table!

It seems the latest trend is to use an evening do as a fund-raiser.