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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

320 replies

TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 19:45

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg Hmm A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased Shock

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves Angry
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken Sad. I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no Sad)

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome Smile

OP posts:
magentasurprise · 21/04/2014 20:49

Wow! YANB at all U.

Your DH is behaving like a child.

I have lots of young children and know how much hard work it is.
Sympathies!

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:49

It worries me that you would even think you are unreasonable. The balance seems all wrong here.

I agree you are a superhero for looking after 4 children

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:51

OP

Did he put pressure on you when you were pg with the twins?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/04/2014 20:52

"we should wait a few days so we can discuss it and tell them when we've made a final decision?"

Oh, as in he thinks he could talk you round and a decision isn't final until he says so?

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

He's no longer sleeping on the sofa until he's told your daughters, he's sleeping in his car

BakerStreetSaxRift · 21/04/2014 20:54

Oh. My. God.

This is the most not-unreasonable post I have ever, ever read.

He intends for you to cave. He has been so inconsiderate. He needs to tell them no.

Blu · 21/04/2014 20:56

And as for the texted picture: of course you think the puppy is cute. Anyone would. But the fact that you think it is cute and still say absolutely no is because it is a serious matter.

How are you supposed to manage twins at the crawling stage in the midst of a PUPPY?

I don't agree with any guilt tripping of the girls about failure to care for the rabbit, either. A 7 year old and a 5 year old simply can't look after a puppy leaving you with no work, even if they try their best.

Good luck with your discussion, OP.

TheFarceAndTheSpurious · 21/04/2014 20:57

This reply has been deleted

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ladygracie · 21/04/2014 20:59

YA(obviously)NBU & he is a giant tosspot.
I love the suggestion of saying that daddy can't look after it now. Are they at school tomorrow? I'm just thinking that if they are, they'll be going in all excited about their new puppy & telling everyone so that would be yet another thing to deal with.
I hope you are able to make him understand the reality of the situation.

HumphreyCobbler · 21/04/2014 21:00

He is being seriously disrespectful to you. He obviously entirely underestimates the work of looking after a puppy and seemingly has no idea how hard you already work, looking after four children Angry

I dare he try to guilt trip you by referencing how bad the children will feel. HE DID THIS, NOT YOU. Do not let him make you feel bad.

I wouldn't worry too much about disappointing your children, they have two lovely babies to play with already! Much more fun than a puppy.

BoffinMum · 21/04/2014 21:01

That man needs his head examining.

Swanhildapirouetting · 21/04/2014 21:02

What about compromising with a kitten? If the kids are really heartbroken? A thousand times easier.
The lady next door to us got a cocker spaniel puppy. She said they lasted 6 weeks. He was rehomed.

girliefriend · 21/04/2014 21:02

My dd has been begging for a dog for years - she is 8yo. I have told her when she is old enough to walk it and pick up its poo she can have one - even she would see a puppy in your scenario would be unreasonable Grin

Good luck talking to your dh, it sounds like there are more issues than this one tbh.

diddl · 21/04/2014 21:02

Christ he sounds awful.
And BTW, if you had no kids and didn't go out to work, you still wouldn't have to have a puppy if you didn't want to since you would be doing all the work.

HmmAnOxfordComma · 21/04/2014 21:03

He is being v v v v v v v v v v unreasonable.

For all the reasons all the other posters have said, but the very biggest reason against having any dog, but especially a puppy, around Two babies is that you will never be able to leave them on the floor kicking about whilst you pop for a wee or to flick the kettle on. Your life would be so much harder for that one simple reason alone, not to mention all the others.

Your husband is a complete idiot. Sorry.

DamnBamboo · 21/04/2014 21:04

OP, please please please please show him this thread.
If he doesn't instantly change his mind, I think I'd consider moving into divorce territory!
Selfish selfish fucking pig.

BoffinMum · 21/04/2014 21:06

Even my dog loving DH says he is an idiot. Tell him that.

JumpingJackSprat · 21/04/2014 21:10

He's an idiot. My dss is six and very sensible and after seeing him with my parents dogs I would never get a dog with a child. I trust him to be sensible. I don't trust the animal and I am a huge animal person. You would have to be 100% aware of where the dog was at all times in relation to the toddlers. It only takes a second.

But aside from that, you don't want it. Everyone has to be on board. I'd rehome the rabbit too. Your dds clearly are not responsible enough to care for it.

Andrewofgg · 21/04/2014 21:11

No SwanHilda a cat is not the answer. Not round children so young. Nothing that is not caged.

JumpingJackSprat · 21/04/2014 21:12

Don't get a kitten they are easier than puppies but it's still stress you don't need and toddlers and kittens are abad idea. Pulled tails, scratching, biting, feeding, litter training, poo and wee everywhere.

Don't get another pet!

newsecretidentity · 21/04/2014 21:12

OMG, OP, I thought my ex was the only man who could be this daft and thoughtless!

Only mine went a step further and actually turned up with the puppy as a "surprise". I had a 17 month old and was heavily pregnant at the time. I can't believe the breeder sold him the puppy under those circumstances.

Apart from the energy (and money) spent housetraining, walking, feeding, cleaning and grooming the dog, the worst bit was having very small children in the house with a young and energetic (although small) dog.

I couldn't just "put the baby down". Ever. It was a palaver involving dogs getting in crates and securing the area every single time. And of course, the first time I turned my head when dog and toddler were in the room together: Yep. He bit her. It wasn't a bad bite, but I had to have the behaviourist in to help us manage the situation because ex hadn't thought beyond "Oh, cute puppy!".

Honestly, turning up with the puppy was such a bad misjudgement that it really did mark the decline of our marriage.

dietcokeandwine · 21/04/2014 21:13

Thing is - setting aside the very VERY valid issues regarding your own workload - it's not fair on the puppy. It's really, really not fair on the puppy. Your family set up, the number and ages of your children, etc etc. Not suitable for a puppy.

It's this kind of scenario, played out over and over by parents with not enough common sense, that see so many dogs shoved into rescues by families who thought it would be nice to get a puppy, who thought the puppy was cute, but who ultimately cannot cope with the realities of said puppy.

You have the foresight and common sense to stop this little dog being another one of those sad statistics, OP, don't let DH wear you down.

You are right. He is wrong. He needs to admit it, sooner rather than later.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 21/04/2014 21:17

My goodness he's been an arse
I have four children and a puppy
Our youngest is five and I still have moments where I wonder if I am completely nuts
Puppies are fecking hard work, I've found it harder than having a newborn in some ways.
I don't know what to suggest though, except perhaps getting him to read this thread to show he's being a complete dick

insanityscatching · 21/04/2014 21:18

OMG I'd throttle him. We have got our first puppy, our youngest is 11. He's been here eight weeks and it has been such hard work. He's lovely but there is no way I could have managed ddog and dc when they were small. It is much harder than having a newborn, it's more like having a toddler on speed. Today he has learnt how to get on the dining table, the last place that was out of bounds, and he's only eight inches tall Hmm
Thankfully I have dh and dc on board and they all lend a hand but when they are at work and school it's me who is tied to the house because we can't leave him for more than two hours yet.
Insist that he tells dd and speaks to the friend asap because you won't be changing your mind in the next 12 years.

Purplepoodle · 21/04/2014 21:20

I have 3 children similar in ages but only one baby instead of twins. I think I would have stabbed OH if he had suggested a dog when my youngest was only a few months never mind twins. I was barely able to clean the house, keep up with the washing, while doing all the nights feeds ect

inabeautifulplace · 21/04/2014 21:20

There are perhaps two possible scenarios:

  1. Your DH is a cunt, and I don't use the word lightly. He knows exactly how hard your life is at the moment but doesn't care if it gets harder.
  1. Your DH is caught up in his work and simply doesn't understand the challenges of your life or how much effort a puppy requires. If he's only there on weekends and you're sharing parenting duties he won't really get it.

Put it to him like this:

Things in DH job were going smoothly 6 months ago. His team of 6 were performing well. Then his boss announced that 2 of the team would be redundant within a few months.
This came to pass and everyone has a ton of work on their plate, but the team is just about managing to hold it together. Over the last 4 months all the required adjustments have been made to ensure no one has a nervous breakdown.
Only now, the boss has decided to make another person redundant. Worse still, he's told the remaining 3 that your DH would be stepping in to do all the extra work, on top of his other duties.

If that was me, I'd be looking for another job....