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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask those of you who are pro life?

999 replies

Anonynony · 21/04/2014 14:49

How do you feel about friends who have had abortions? Can you maintain friendships with people who have had an abortion and no regrets?

One of my friends has stunned me, talking about another friend of ours who had considered an abortion and my friend said I'm so glad she didn't because I wouldn't have been able to stay friends with her
I'm really surprised, I'm extremely pro choice and vocal about it but this doesn't bother my friend.
But what my friend doesn't know is that I also had an abortion and although I have no regrets I feel a bit strange around my friend now?

OP posts:

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 09:24

Bumbly not for one minute does anyone other than you, think the WHO figures are skewed toward countries without freely available contraception. Obviously some of them are, but as somebody earlier said, Northern Ireland?

Ikea Despite double contraception, I have a 29 year old and an 18 year old. It happens.

twofingerstoGideon · 23/04/2014 09:26

But ikea, let's suppose it's more difficult for the woman to abort - which you argue makes her more likely to stay pregnant - this doesn't alter the fact that the woman doesn't want to be pregnant/give birth/have a child.

ikeaismylocal · 23/04/2014 09:26

Many people having abortions were not using double contraception.

twofingerstoGideon · 23/04/2014 09:28

Snap, Dawn! Despite double contraception I have a 17 YO DD.

bumbleymummy · 23/04/2014 09:29

LadyOlivier, I'm glad that your baby was ok.

I wonder how many other women have considered abortions and perhaps gone through with them when the baby was/would have actually been fine. Tests can only be so accurate. I remember one woman who my mother worked with who was in pieces for most of her pregnancy because she had been told that her baby was going to be born with a particular disability and may not survive long after birth. The baby was born perfectly healthy.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 09:33

I remember one woman who my mother
I do rather think the technology has moved on a little since then, dear.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 09:34

I remember one woman who my mother worked with
Apologies. The point still stands, however.

differentnameforthis · 23/04/2014 09:38

I was referring to posters who were clearly stating their approval of killing a baby when it was nearly full term and viable. That is wrong imo and the law agrees.

The law doesn't agree that it is wrong. The law allows for a woman to terminate to term for a variety of reasons. If the law thought it was wrong, they wouldn't allow in under any circumstance.

She shouldn't have to endure a pregnancy, she could be induced and deliver a very small very sick baby but I believe that baby should have the right to a chance at life, why should the mother have the right to stop that babies life and then end the pregnancy? WHat difference does it make to her if the baby's life is stopped before the birth?

I just cannot get my head around this. FORCE a woman to give birth after a FORCED induction.

How do you reconcile in your head, FORCING a woman to give birth? Just how the hell is that better for anyone?

Who will take care of this little sick baby then?

What if your mother decides she doesn't want you? My mother didn't want me. Yet she kept me (wanted to terminate, but she was persuaded to keep me) and my life was hell. We haven't spoken for 22yrs. I won't tell you how it affected my life.

But these days, if you decide at 2 weeks post birth that you really can't do it, wouldn't it just go with all those 22weekers that you are forcing women into labour to give birth to?

In reality, not being glib, you can surrender the child to the relevant authorities.

saintlyjimjams · 23/04/2014 09:38

Let's not think the pressure goes only one way. Find yourself with a disabled child & they're booking theatre for you. You say these women have a choice? Do they? Many talk about being swept along. Another friend was told she needed to educate herself wrt the reality of having a child with DS (when refusing further testing) - her child with DS was standing next to her. FFS.

People have to live with their decisions for the rest of their lives - any advice should be impartial. Not full of often misplaced narratives about 'suffering'. I'm sure many women with accurate impartial advice would choose to terminate anyway, but not all - and I worry about them stumbling in & discovering the reality when it's too late. Ime those who terminate because they see no other option - for whatever reason - rarely regret it, but for others it's not such an easy decision to live with - and they need appropriate support (easier to provide if they have been supported to make the right decision for them - whichever decision that is).

I guess I'm all for no assumptions being made & proper neutral impartial support being given to those who need it (friends I know have needed no support - they've just known straight away they want a termination & they should be able to access that easily & not have to justify themselves. Sometimes it seems those who are decided are obstructed & those who are undecided are pressurised - neither situation is right).

This is away from where the OP started out though isn't it. Personal feelings are different than how you think law/support should be provided.

gordyslovesheep · 23/04/2014 09:39

oh ffs - most women have abortions because they NEED to

the rest is just semantics

this neighbour was told x ...some women do y

it's irrelevant - to me the point is - need an abortion - have access to safe a legal termination - job done

differentnameforthis · 23/04/2014 09:39

*Dawndonnaagain, your post - Mon 21-Apr-14 22:27:53&

I am sorry it happened to you too.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 09:45

In reality, not being glib, you can surrender the child to the relevant authorities.
I wish she had, but she discovered a use for me.

for you too, different
I would fight tooth and nail to prevent what happened to me happening to another poor unwanted child.

sassysally · 23/04/2014 09:46

Despite double contraception, I have a 29 year old and an 18 year old. It happens.

what were the 2 methods? Crossed fingers and crossed toes?

sassysally · 23/04/2014 09:50

There would not be 200,000 unwanted babies because women would be a lot more careful if abortions were not available.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 09:51

First time was Coil and condom.
Second time was pill and condom.
We tried for the next pregnancy and got twins!

Redhead4 · 23/04/2014 09:51

Capt- Someone who admits using abortions as a form of birth control is someone who I will not associate with.

Someone who is not knowingly doing this and has a difficult decision to make regarding the baby is someone that I would remain friends with.

I am pro life, however I wouldn't judge anyone for having an abortion other than someone who sees no wrong in using it as birth control.

ikeaismylocal · 23/04/2014 09:52

But ikea, let's suppose it's more difficult for the woman to abort - which you argue makes her more likely to stay pregnant - this doesn't alter the fact that the woman doesn't want to be pregnant/give birth/have a child.

Yes, which is why I support the current abortion laws. I just think it is daft to say that if abortion was illegal the same amount of aabortions would happen it just seems so far fetched.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 09:52

There would not be 200,000 unwanted babies because women would be a lot more careful if abortions were not available.

As Florynce Kennedy once said:
"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." ?

It isn't just up to the women you know.

bumbleymummy · 23/04/2014 09:53

LadyOlivier, do you mind me asking how old your DC is now? The experience with the woman that my mother worked with was only a few years ago. There have been some recent improvements with pre-natal testing but still, no test is 100% accurate and I do wonder how many other women have had to go through what you did.

different, you know that ikea is talking about the posters here who want women to be able to abort to term for any reason not just the current restricted reasons (Which she has already acknowledged.)

As has already been pointed out, at that stage the woman is going to have to 'give birth' regardless of whether the foetus is terminated or not.

saintly, I agree that there are many situations where a woman feels that she does not actually have a 'choice'.

LtEveDallas · 23/04/2014 09:55

Ikea Despite double contraception, I have a 29 year old and an 18 year old. It happens

Only single contraception, but one night on the Mojitos did it for me ...and I wouldn't have minded so much, except it was the first bloody shag after 7 months forced abstinence.

My accident is 9 now (and I haven't had a mojito - or a baby - since!)

ikeaismylocal · 23/04/2014 09:59

I just cannot get my head around this. FORCE a woman to give birth after a FORCED induction.

Or carry the baby to term. There are choices, killing a healthy fetus because of the mum's preference is thankfully not one of those choices in the UK.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 23/04/2014 10:02

If you agree that women should be forced to go through with the pregnancy and give birth, who looks after the baby once its born if they don't change their mind?

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 10:03

different, you know that ikea is talking about the posters here who want women to be able to abort to term for any reason not just the current restricted reasons (Which she has already acknowledged.)
I'm sure she does. Look at how wicked and cruel we all are, that's your agenda here, isn't it. You and all those women being forced into abortions that they don't want are all victims. Heaven's above, the point about allowing abortion to term is about allowing women to have autonomy over their own bodies, something they don't have now, it's a matter of principal and as has been said, time and again, there are very few women who would exersize that option and there would be counselling for those that did, because you know, I know and the whole damned world knows that if a woman decided she didn't want to be pregnant at 36 weeks, the likelihood is that she is ill. So, instead of trying to make this something it isn't (Bum's anti abortion agenda) as you do with all these threads (yes, you are known for it) stop playing games. It's really simple, as somebody up thread said, this is pigeon chess, you swoop in, ignore the arguments, shit on the board and fuck off, conscience intact at the end, either completely unaware or unwilling to acknowledge (I am unsure as to which) of the trail of devastation that you leave behind. (Baby, et al)

CaptChaos · 23/04/2014 10:03

saintly IMO the pressure brought to bear on you to abort a potentially disabled child is as wrong as those people who want to curtail women's access to abortion. I am so sorry that you and people you know came up against those disablist attitudes, it was for that reason that I didn't have the blood tests which might have lead on to more invasive ones. My son's disability wouldn't have been detected anyway, but, I wouldn't have aborted him even if it had.

Dawndonnaagain · 23/04/2014 10:03

principle

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