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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for your support if you were brought up by a working mother

103 replies

BumpNGrind · 20/04/2014 13:33

This isn't about creating an argument about what's better-being a mother who works vs a sahm

I am pregnant and last week met up with a friend. She was lovely about my pregnancy and really happy for me and DH, but she started asking about what I was going to do afterwards with regards to work. She seemed really put out that I intend to work at least four days if not five, and convinced that I should and would change my mind. She accused me of only being a weekend mother.

I wasn't expecting this and just kind of shrugged it off, but I got quite upset afterwards. I was brought up by working parents, and don't feel that my parents were there part time, or that they loved me any less because of the choices they made. WIBU to suppose that there may be others who have positive experiences of being brought up by working parents? Please share if so.

OP posts:
Revengeofthechocolatebunny · 20/04/2014 13:40

My mother never worked, but I did from when my DD was 6mths. I always remember my Nan working right up to when Grandad retired then she closed her business. I had no choice but to work, we had a mortgage and couldn't have afforded me to be a SAHM plus I was hedging my bets as my now ex kept threatening during frequent rows that if we ever split he would give up his job so he wouldn't be liable for child support... so I wanted to ensure that I had an income to be able to keep my head above water.

Kundry · 20/04/2014 13:40

What a horrible thing for your friend to say.

My mum worked, we didn't have any choice as she was the main breadwinner. I was always v proud that in our family it was a woman who earned the most (no disrespect to my Dad who I loved to bits) and it was an inspiration to me to achieve my best.

I had a close relationship with my dad as he did a lot of childcare but my mum will always be my mum.

I still love my mum and now I'm married to a lovely bloke- and I'm the higher achiever again! My mum set me up for life.

Revengeofthechocolatebunny · 20/04/2014 13:42

Sorry, hit enter too soon lol

My DD has always known me to work and tbh I used to wonder what my mother did all day once we were all at school as the house was never tidy or any clean clothes!

skaen · 20/04/2014 13:42

I was. My mum always worked full time and usually only had about 2 weeks holiday per year. It made no difference - my siblings and I always knew we came first and I don't remember her missing any school play / concert etc so in my experience it was absolutely fine.

ILoveYouBaby · 20/04/2014 13:43

My mother was mostly a sahm until I was 10, she did a part time job for some of that period but it was local so didn't feel like she was out of the house a lot.

She worked in London when I was in secondary school, often long hours and trips away. To be honest I did drift apart from her at that time because she was not around much at all in the week.

But, she taught me a wonderful work ethic and was inspirational to me in a career sense. And she was there a lot-just not all the time.

In on maternity leave at the moment and will almost certainly go back 4 1/2 days a week, compressed into 4 days. But I'm lucky that I'll be able to work from home some of the time.

I don't get much choice as my salary pays our mortgage, but I want to go back. But I've learned from my childhood experience that I can't be out 5 days a week.

JohnnyBarthes · 20/04/2014 13:44

When I was older, that's when I missed my mum. But then she worked 6 day weeks.

Put in the time now and it will be easier for you both to work more flexibly when your baby is a tween/teen - that's what we've done, and it works.

outtheothersidefinally · 20/04/2014 13:44

I wasn't brought up by a working mum, but as a child I wished she did! not a nice way to grow up - as the only thing in someone's life. And financial instability was awful.

And if you work you are still a full time mum! Your friend may have her own issues so just ignore that comment.

When I had my daughter I looked around at who was close to their mum as an adult and who wasn't - among those I know it's the working mums who still have a close relationship with their children (where the children want to spend time with her, not because they're obliged to). I think it's said that mums who are fulfilled outside of motherhood raise more secure children.

Honestly, I think maternity leave should be longer and then a balance is great if you can manage that. I've tried both stay at home and working outside of the home, and now and trying my best to mix both. Not working isn't an option for me - as with so many. It's not a great argument when for many there is no choice anyway.

Do what's best for you, get the best childcare you can afford, and look forward to quality time with your DC as much as possible.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

Morgause · 20/04/2014 13:45

My mum was a teacher and went back to work when I started school. Best of both worlds. She was always there for us.

janey68 · 20/04/2014 13:45

I didn't have the experience you describe, as I was brought up by a working father and SAHM, which was far more common back then (60s/70s)
However, I do want to reassure you that I am at least as close to my dad as I am to my mum, in fact I feel more comfortable and at ease with my dad though that could be a personality thing.
I think you need to focus on the fact that you had a great upbringing with working parents, and on what you and your partner want. And tbh if a 'friend' is being so judgemental and unpleasant I would be seriously reconsidering the friendship. The last thing you need as you embark on the excitement of parenthood is snidy remarks from people who clearly feel threatened by your happiness

ILoveYouBaby · 20/04/2014 13:46

Good point by Johnny. Part of my reasoning to go back almost full time is that I want to forge ahead in my career now, and go more part time when I'm more senior.

jasminemai · 20/04/2014 13:46

My mum worked all the way from me being a baby. I still spend lots of time with her but went more places, had more holidays and had a better standard of living than any of my friends.

I definitely would not of wanted my mum to sahm else I doubt I would be so ambitious or have as many aspirations personally as I have always wanted to replicate my mum.

AuntieStella · 20/04/2014 13:47

My DM worked, varying hours at various stages.

If you look at the obit columns in local newspapers, you'll see that nearly everyone did, and always had. The perpetual SAHM is a minority, and always has been.

Sort out what you want for your family with reference to your family's needs and hopes/plans. Someone else's is never a good starting point.

kickassangel · 20/04/2014 13:48

I went back to work when dd was 4 months old and she is a very happy child at 10.

My mum was a SAHM and I hated my childhood.

I don't think the work or not was the cause, more that my parents are over controlling in the extreme and dh and I are better at letting dd be herself and give her more freedom. It's not how many hours a day that parents spend with a child, but how consistent the time is over the years and how the child is treated. Equally damaging is one parent doing ALL child stuff an the other hardly around and treating the kids as a nuisance. Having a SAHP does not make for a golden childhood.

JohnnyBarthes · 20/04/2014 13:49

I ought to have added that mum was single and I was an only, so I spent a lot of time alone.

VashtaNerada · 20/04/2014 13:49

My parents both worked full time (why does no-one guilt-trip the dads?). They were (are) great parents and taught me a strong work ethic. I don't feel guilty for me & DH working at all. Am I meant to let my kids starve..?

softlysoftly · 20/04/2014 13:49

Firstly your friends a bitch drop her now before she ruins your newborn time.

Secondly my mum was a sahm, yes it was wonderful BUT as soon as dad retired and we moved out she has massively struggled and we have all suffered for it. She is lonely and more cut off than she would have been if she kept even a "small" job. She feels it's "Dads money"to an extent. She advises us to keep some form of life outside the home.

Don't get me wrong that isn't all SAHP and she isn't always unhappy but just so the SAHM route doesn't seem all roses. It's about what you make of your time and your life not about working/not working.

BrianTheMole · 20/04/2014 13:50

My mum worked full time from home. A lot of it was physical work and all the family helped out with that. I have the utmost respect for what my mum did, especially back in a time where most of the mothers at my school were sahm's. My mum instilled in me a good work ethic. If you want to move forward and get anywhere you have to work hard at that.

softlysoftly · 20/04/2014 13:52

Firstly your friends a bitch drop her now before she ruins your newborn time.

Secondly my mum was a sahm, yes it was wonderful BUT as soon as dad retired and we moved out she has massively struggled and we have all suffered for it. She is lonely and more cut off than she would have been if she kept even a "small" job. She feels it's "Dads money"to an extent. She advises us to keep some form of life outside the home.

Don't get me wrong that isn't all SAHP and she isn't always unhappy but just so the SAHM route doesn't seem all roses. It's about what you make of your time and your life not about working/not working.

gordyslovesheep · 20/04/2014 13:52

my mum was a single working parent ...as am i

didn't do me one ounce of harm

get new friends xxxx

jasminemai · 20/04/2014 13:54

I know many grown up children from sahms who dont even live close to their parents or even regularly call them. They cant be a close family if they dont spend much time together when they are older imo.

chanie44 · 20/04/2014 13:55

Growing up, both my parents worked full time, through necessity.

I do remember wishing my mum could pick me up from school or come on class trips.

I also remember the love growing up - trips to the seaside every weekend, strawberry picking, going to the park. I guess I don't feel that I had a deprived childhood as my parents made sure wr had quality time together.

VelvetSpoon · 20/04/2014 13:55

My mum worked, but only once I started school, as there was no childcare available in our area in those days, and we lived too far from my grandparents. I never felt that she was in any way second rate to my friend's parents, the opposite in fact.

In fact, all the women in my family have always worked, even my nanna, and great grandmother, because their families would not have survived financially without them doing so. I also work FT, and have done since my DC were babies (they are now in their teens).

Your friend (although I don't think she is much of a friend if she can make those sorts of comments) should keep her opinions to herself. I suspect she doesn't have children herself!

uselessidiot · 20/04/2014 13:56

Do what is right for you and your family and she can go fuck herself. She is being a bitch and no friend at all.

btw just in case anyone wonders I'd say the same to someone who wanted to be a stay at home mum.

CundtBake · 20/04/2014 13:57

There are pros and cons to whatever route a mother chooses, but ultimately the right decision is whatever works best for you.

My mum worked her way up to a very good job, in a career she loved. I never felt abandoned, I knew that if I ever needed her she would drop everything. And she set me an invaluable example in being an independent woman with my own money.

Do not listen to anyone else. They won't be working your job or looking after your child. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for somebody else. Judgemental comments usually stem from insecurity.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 20/04/2014 13:59

Your friend is being really insensitive and unpleasant.

My mum worked ft from when I was eight months old, she only went part time after a period of unemployment when I was twelve.

She was also one of the first working class women of her generation to go to university and get a degree. Without her example, I don't think I would have done nearly so well in my education or believed I could achieve so much.

I am a sahm and my mum supports my choice. She said her only regret about working ft was that it was a financial necessity rather than her personal choice, and she is pleased that I had the freedom to make the best choice for my personal circumstances.

That is the most important thing IMO, that you get to have the right balance for your family. Everyone's family and circumstances are different, so it is nonsense to suggest there is any one right way to do things.