To ask for your support if you were brought up by a working mother

[BumpNGrind]

This isn't about creating an argument about what's better-being a mother who works vs a sahm

I am pregnant and last week met up with a friend. She was lovely about my pregnancy and really happy for me and DH, but she started asking about what I was going to do afterwards with regards to work. She seemed really put out that I intend to work at least four days if not five, and convinced that I should and would change my mind. She accused me of only being a weekend mother.

I wasn't expecting this and just kind of shrugged it off, but I got quite upset afterwards. I was brought up by working parents, and don't feel that my parents were there part time, or that they loved me any less because of the choices they made. WIBU to suppose that there may be others who have positive experiences of being brought up by working parents? Please share if so.

Where was your Dad in all of this eyeroller?

Eyeroller, funnily enough my mother managed to cook proper meals every day from scratch, and work too. The two aren't mutually exclusive you know.

(My parents also never missed a parent's evening or school play - mainly because they were in those days at sensible times in the evenings, rather than the current trend for having them at 1-2pm, which used to mean I'd have to take an entire days holiday. But that's another thread).

It's none of your friends business what you do. However she is talking about when you're child is still a baby and none of us remember this time unless we have super recall. Doesn't make what happens to us in the first 3 years unimportant however whatever choices our parents make.
She is right in one way- you may totally change your mind about this after you have your baby. A lot of people do.

I think you have to have a few things you dont compromise on.

For me Its doing the school run when i can and always being their for plays/assemblies (dh or I not really just I).

Your 'friend' is a judgmental cow. So YABU to be upset by her and feel the need to go and get validation for your beliefs.

It sounds like she is very insecure in her own choice or beliefs. Anyone who is confident in their choice to stay home or work outside the home won't feel the need to denigrate others.

I grew up with a mother who worked full time in a demanding professional job. She loved her job and although I know my parents were dependent on her income, I also know she would not have wanted to give it up just because she had become a mother. She did miss lots of school stuff but I can't say it's affected me long term.

I'm mainly a sahm. Not because my mother worked but because it's the right choice for my family at the moment. I think that her working and enjoying it showed me that doing so was a option for me. I grew up with the mindset that I could choose either option and that either was valid. It's how I intend to bring up my daughter. I was encouraged to get a good education to give me the choice and I will pass that wisdom onto DD. I hope she also finds herself in the same fortunate position of having the choice as when it comes down to it, that's where the power lies.

My mother, grandmothers and great grandmothers (apparently) all worked. I can't imagine anything different.

My mum worked and work always came first, she only took holidays while we were at school. She still boasts that she never took one day off to deal with childhood illnesses etc. She never attended any school events. I missed her, actually I missed mothering...I got vey little of it, not sure she was capable of delivering it.

Having dcs was a duty, she'd have made a pretty awful SAHM, being a mum was not something she wanted to be, I think working was the best option for her.

1. work or don't - decide what's best for you and your family.

2. when you have your baby, you'll be judged for bloody everything you do by random strangers, so you need friends who support whatever decisions you make, drop the one who's being a judgemental twat.

My mum worked from when I was 3 months old (I think, understandably my memory is a bit hazy on this). When I was small, she ran her own business and I think it was a real struggle to work that hard. Later she had a FT job which she arranged flexibly so that she was at home when we got home and did quite a lot of work later in the evenings. We also had nannies/au pairs until I was at secondary school and usually a cleaner too. At times she worked 6 days a week. More of my friends mothers worked than didn't work. It never crossed my mind not to work and I would be an awful SAHM. However having a nanny now seems less affordable than when I was young and I think my mother regrets working quite so hard. She is keen for me to find the balance in my life that she didn't in hers.

Mel - ditto

I work, my mum worked, my grandma worked (through necessity and then through choice - my grandfather was an officer in the RAF throughout WWII and until the late 70s), and so did her mother and my grandfather's mother.

It's astonishing isn't it that long term SAHMing is meant to be the norm - it isn't now and it never was for most people

My mum worked, as did my dad. That always seemed perfectly normal to me.

Both of my parents made an effort to spend plenty of time with me & my siblings outside of work & school, and I certainly never felt unloved by them.

And "weekend mother" is a terrible term. You don't stop being a parent because you've got a job. Would this friend call a father who works full time a weekend father?

Both my parents worked full time. My mother was a teacher so I would go to her classroom at the end of school and sit with books / art stuff (& a recorder once a week, she was either deaf or had the patience of a saint!) until she'd finished her classroom jobs and we went home normally around 5.

I had the best mother, the best mummy and the closest relationship with her that I can only dream of trying to replicate for my boys. And as a family although I have very little memory of difficult times, I'm sure she & my father were glad she worked when my Daddy was made redundant. We didn't have to move house and I didn't really notice except Daddy was around more in the day. Totally get the "swan like serenity" on the surface analogy, we had no clue of their struggles and juggles although now I know they must have had them.

I work full time in a demanding job. My youngest has just cuddled me and told me he loves me and I'm the best mummy in the world. DH is a sahd so the boys get the best of both worlds and have a really good relationship with both of us.

Your friend is an unmitigated ass.

I'm one of five kids, growing up my dad worked nightshift (4 nights a week) and my mum worked dayshift (5 days a week). There were bits I didn't like (mainly having to get dropped off at her friends at 8am in the morning before school - I liked being at home and when I was old enough to do it myself, that was great), but the rest of it was fine - I mean, no idea if I missed out on stuff, with 4 siblings (and being the youngest) life for my folks was busy, so there was no craft days or baking, but we did play a lot of board games and neither worked weekends.

I'm in my forties now and still close to my parents and I believe on reflection (looking back while I now have my own kids) they did a great job with little money and I always felt loved. My mum became ill when I was about 10 and wasn't able to work anymore and so she was at home - but I don't remember that changing my home life much (other than being able to be at home until 9am for school :-D

Being a good parent isn't just about being present in a house, it's about being present in your childs life - in addition, learning a good work ethic from your folks can only be a good thing in my book.

Ignore your mate.

My mother worked long hours while we were growing up and I was like a mother to my younger siblings. I hated her not being around. On the odd occasion she was home, I loved it. Having her in the kitchen cooking while we all sat around the table doing homework was lovely. Having her there to put us to bed was rare and something I wish had happened more.

I chose to be a SAHM. I don't want to miss one single thing of my DC's childhood, I want to be around for everything! Plus I couldn't imagine leaving them with people I don't know well. We are not really in the position for me not to work but DH and I we go without a lot of things and it is only for a short time.

My mum went back to teaching ft when I was 3 (but had done supply work with me in the pram in the corner before that!) - and as a teacher, she didn't get to make it to events in the school day once I'd left infants school, nor did I get walked to and from school post 8. Dad worked at a factory with a fixed holiday which wasnt in school holidays.

But I loved them deeply, had a fantastic childhood, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I suppose i see both sides of arguement .my own mum worked .parents divorced when i was a toddler .so financially she had to .but it ment really early rises for me to go to grandparents .and tea at my grandparents .i made the decision early on to be ASAHM .because i thought that would be best for my 3 sons .but i was really independent .my three sons age 23/18/14 are lazy bloody lumps .and sometimes i felt brain dead .so do i think i was a better mother than mine actually no .i was diffrent you do whats best for YOUR family and to heck with other peoples .

My mother worked on the patches six days a week, eight hours a day (my dad worked in a factory). I was looked after by my grandparents and I am incredibly close to my DM. I now live abroad but we Skype every day and I have always felt loved. My childhood was amazing tbh, I loved nearly every minute and consider myself very lucky to have the mother I have. She helped me with my school work whenever she could, she was always a big part of my life and I don't think I missed out at all tbh.

I was incredibly lucky to have a mum who loved her job and enjoyed both working and having a family. She would have been a terrible, bored and unfulfilled SAHM. Being a SAHM is not the best solution for every mother and it would not be the best for the children of such mothers.

We are very close, I didn't miss out on anything. I never felt that she had no time for me - but I did enjoy my independence and that I was not her whole life.
Also, now that us kids have left home, she still has her interesting, fulfilling career.

Your friend is rude. Does she think yours and her DH are just weekend dads as well?

All my ancestors as far back as I know have worked- mostly doing the same jobs actually. My father never felt loved, but that was his parents, and everyone around me had working mothers too. We turned out okay!

My mum worked full time as a teacher and she was great mum, always there. Mind you, my dad also worked full time and he was a great dad - always there as well.

My mum working meant we could afford ponies - any little girl would choose a pony over a mum at home, I think. I do appreciate this is a very Marie Antoinette-ish view of having a working mum, but actually it is the truth - if mum hadn't work we couldn't have afforded the horses and my life would be immeasurably the poorer.

My 'precious memories' all revolve around ponies, and I am building new ones with my daughter, because as a working mum I too can afford to keep and compete horses. It is a no brainer for me, but I realise my families priorities are probably very different from eyerollers (and thank goodness for that)

My mother was the main earner until I was 7-8yo, I always thought that of course I would work FT after I had kids, it was a real mind-bender when I suddenly decided to return PT instead. In my culture almost every woman returns to work FT after baby & has done for decades.

My mum has always worked full time and also been involved in many other activities, charities, professional bodies etc. I was always very proud of her and secretly felt more special than my friends who had sahm. She was (and still is) a great example and inspiration for me.

My mum went to uni when I was 2 and qualified as a solicitor. She started work full time as a trainee when I was 5. Dad did a fair bit of the care for us as he worked on a farm and we lived in a cottage that came with the job. Mum was main breadwinner and I was incredibly proud of her. Dad took us to school bus, picked us up again after school, cooked during the week etc, but we were both really close to both parents and still are.

I have a 2yo and am pg. I work 4 days a week (full time compressed), as does DH. DD therefore has a parent at home with her 4 days a week and goes to nursery 3 days. When this baby is born I will drop my hours slightly (eg, do 4.5 days in 4) to have a little more flexibility, but we simply can't afford for either of us to cut our hours any more than that. Same story for my parents- mum working was by necessity, not choice, and we saw that and were totally unfazed by it.

When I was young my mum worked school hours and weekends in a dead end, minimum wage job to give us the occasional holiday. For a year or two she spent 3-4 evenings at college gaining office based and management qualifications.

She is now a manager of a large chain store and regularly offered promotions which she turns down to spend more time with her grandchildren. She is my best friend and I am very proud of her and all she achieved.