To ask for your support if you were brought up by a working mother

[BumpNGrind]

This isn't about creating an argument about what's better-being a mother who works vs a sahm

I am pregnant and last week met up with a friend. She was lovely about my pregnancy and really happy for me and DH, but she started asking about what I was going to do afterwards with regards to work. She seemed really put out that I intend to work at least four days if not five, and convinced that I should and would change my mind. She accused me of only being a weekend mother.

I wasn't expecting this and just kind of shrugged it off, but I got quite upset afterwards. I was brought up by working parents, and don't feel that my parents were there part time, or that they loved me any less because of the choices they made. WIBU to suppose that there may be others who have positive experiences of being brought up by working parents? Please share if so.

I have, in effect, two families. 3 children quite close in age, then a very long (16yrs) gap and 2 more children. I stayed at home for 8 yrs with the oldest 3. We were in a rented house, little money but coped.
By the time we had the last 2 children, I was working, we had a mortgage and 3 teenagers. I went back to work, it was very hard but I have no regrets.
All 5 of my children are lovely and we are all close as a family, adult children and grandchildren. (But then I'm biased! )

My Mum WOTH and I never considered it odd, or I never considered myself to be deprived in anyway.
Have to agree with the others who have said it's good to work when they are tiny and don't remember, and, if the option is available, build in some more flexibility for when they are older and want you to be around a bit more.

Also have to agree with the others that your so called friend was extremely rude, and perhaps, if this is typical fro her, you should consider distancing yourself from her.

I was brought up by two working parents and this was in the 70's and 80's when it was much more unusual. Dad was in the army so we moved around a lot as well, mum being a teacher with the forces.
To me this argument always reminds me of the one about only children and siblings! I have an only. Some people have the idea that if you have siblings "it is so lovely because they play together and have each other when they grow up". Well yes, sometimes they do. But nothing in this life is for certain! I have a brother but we never wanted to be with each other as children and we don't as adult. No falling out, we are sociable at family events, we are just chalk and cheese!
My point is just because you might stay at home, doesn't mean your child will be well adjusted, happy, healthy, G&T, angelic, etc. Just as going out to work doesn't mean your child will be lonely, repressed, anxious, have learning difficulties, unhealthy, psychotic etc!
I had to go back to work when my DD was 5 months old even though we could have afforded for me to be at home because my husband (now ex!) told me he would leave if I didn't. Nice huh!
I went through quite a few weeks feeling really guilty, even though my DD was with the most wonderful childminder who we both loved. I promised myself that if it was just me that was unhappy then I would just have to manage (pretty low self esteem at this point!), but I would do something if my child was. She thrived!
The part time Mum thing is irritating as well. It struck me that no-one tells a Dad that he is a bad or part time Dad because HE goes out to work! He is just Dad! Parenting isn't determined by the amount of time you spend with your children!
You will have lots of doubts as a parent about lots of different things. You can only do what you feel is right for your child, and your family. I have taken quite a bit of stick recently as my DD has gone to a private secondary school where none of her friends have. Honestly some people like to have go at those making a different choice as they are worried about their own decision!

I was incredibly lucky to have a mum who saw me off to school and picked me up every day, who cooked us proper meals every day and was always there to watch us in our plays and comfort us when we were poorly with no fuss

I was the same with my kids, its the very least you can do for your kids, to be there to welcome them home every evening and listen to them chatter about their day x

My mum worked full time when I was a child because she had too. I appreciate what she did and why she did it but at the time I absolutely hated it. I often had plays/events/sports days at school with no one watching as my mum wouldnt take time off work. I also couldnt do any after school activities as no o e could take me to them.

She has taught me a strong work ethic as others have said and since I was old enough to work, I have.

However, as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my first child I knew I didn't want to be a working mother. Fortunately my husband earns a good wage so we can afford for me not to work. We are not rich but are in no way "scraping by'. I love that I am there to see anything that my children do and can run them to events/clubs/lessons as and when it's needed. I know that if I worked they would be very restricted as to what they could do. No ballet, rugby or swimming. Being a sahm also leaves me available to be be heavily involved in the pta and board of governers. Again, if I worked my old job, I know there would be no time for this.

I fully plan on returning to work part time in the near future and eventually full time. This works for us but I appreciate it wouldn't be for everyone.

I will add that I am very close to my mum now but there are some sour grapes on my part as when my brother was born (15 years after me) she cut down her hours at work because she couldnt bare to miss out on all the things she did with me all over again

My mother worked as a GP my whole life. If anything it made me respect her even more. I turned out fine!

I did daily after school activities and always had a parent with me before or after school and my parents both did professional jobs. I was just rare as didnt have a rubbish dad like most so did as much as my mum just as my own dh does now.

Its sad that even today years on a lot of dads still dont bother much with their children and leave it all to the mum.

Your friend is a dreadful idiot.

My mother worked, out of necessity, as do millions of other mothers. I have no less a relationship with her because I spent time at my Nan's or at playgroups. I work too, and I would fight with my bare hands anyone who suggested I was less of a mother because of it. This argument is as old as time. We ALL feel guilty for something or other about the way we parent, so we should just all give each other a bloody break and be a bit more supportive.

we-ell...I was brought up by a working mother and I certainly never felt hard done by at the time, but in retrospect I do wonder if things could have been different.

She was (and is) a nurse, worked shifts full time including nights, and my dad worked full time too. A lot of my memories of childhood involve being very quiet around the house because she was trying to grab a couple of hours' kip, and she did seem to be tired and/or grumpy quite a lot of the time. I always thought we must have really needed the money but I realise now that although it's tough and she will often complain about it, she's actually always loved her job and it's a big part of her identity and self-esteem.

All things considered I definitely believe that you need to do what is right for your whole family rather than making sacrifices that might not do anyone much good. I've been at home with my two for the first three years of my youngest daughter's life, and I hope it's been good for them to have me around, but I'm not the best stay at home parent, being short-tempered and unimaginative in equal measure. I want them to see the best of me; I think that's at least as important as just being there.

Also the phrase "weekend mother" is really stupid - what a thoughtless thing for your friend to say.

That's a horrible judgey thing to say. Is this person a real friend? I'm 24 weeks pregnant and will be taking 16 weeks maternity leave. This is my third and I've always worked or studied from when they were small. If anyone had said something like that to me, I'd be very closely considering if that person is really a friend.

There are many ways of parenting. As long as a child is loved and has his or her emotional and physical needs met, they generally turn out ok. I can't tell with my older two who has a sahm, sahd or two working parents or when they went back to work.

There's an article in the Sunday a Times today actually suggesting that working mothers using childcare isn't a bad solution and that helicopter type parenting creates useless adults. It's nice to read something positive about juggling work and motherhood for once (journalists love a good wohm bash lazy ***).

Yes I'm surprised at your friend's view....my mum was a sahm all our lives and I wish I valued it more. Actually what I remember is her wheedling/cajoling my dad for things she wanted, her awful self esteem and constant criticism. Everyone does what's best for them, and for some people that is sah, and that is fine but we're all muddling through, there's no global answer that's right for all.

I had a sahm who sent me to private schools and pushed doing well in exams. During my teenage years we fought a lot because I didn't understand her life in comparison to what I was experiencing. We were not close and I suffered disordered eating for a lot of those years.

It also reared its head when I had children and chose to continue working.

I think raising children is a marathon not a sprint and I think posts like eyerollers are short sighted, judgemental and make me want to roll my eyes.

I was brought up by a full time working mother and she was and is brilliant. She was completely child centred and maternal - we did loads of creative, playful activities with us and whenever she was at home we had her full attention. My Dad worked full time too and again he was brilliant. We had great childminders - one of whom is like an Auntie to me and was at my wedding. I chose to go back to work part-time 2 days per week and am no more hands on or loving than my Mum because I'm at home more - I just made a different choice. Don't let your friend make you feel bad.

The friend is the wife of dh's friend, but we've spent a lot of time together and she's usually lovely.

I think that going through pregnancy has made me realise my parents were super parents- they must have been. They were both extremely active and involved parents. They must have juggled so hard with time, money and resources but they always seemed to manage. I suppose they never told me about the tough times.

I'm hoping we can provide the same swan illusion where all our child ever sees is us being present and loving, whilst we manage the working and juggling. Who knows if that's possible now but I do have excellent role models.

Being a SAHP does not make you a better parent.
You friend is very judgemental.

your friend is unreasonable. saying that as a sahm who thinks staying at home is the best for me and the children, because, well it suits our personality. (ie is specific for us not for everyone.)

whether you work or not needs to be considered as to what is best for the whole family. one person not working and being miserable because of it can have effects on the whole family. having to work when you don't want too can have detrimental effects.

personally, I wish my mother had been able to stay home when I was ill off school and had been there when I got home. (it was the days where you went home to an empty house rather than good after school care)
I missed having my mum, or dad at sports days like other children.

later when we were living on one salary, it was miserable not being able to afford things. perhaps some forward planning to be able to take up work later is needed depending on proffession.

I suppose it is getting a balance of those things. I think two salaries is important to a teenager when it is not important when someone is at home so much and there is a need to fit in with friends to some extent. Having a job with some flexibility to do sports days etc is important for when the children atre young. (either parent, not just the mother)

raising children is a marathon not a sprint

yy, pomme. Totally agree. That's something people bleating about 'precious moments' forget.

I come from a gene pool where SAHMs were very much the exception and limited to couples whose (male) breadwinner was a white collar worker. I have mill hands, shop assistants, waistcoat makers, rope makers in my female ancestry. There was never a question of not working, these families depended on the money.

My mum worked full time. It was normality - I didnt question it. She was (is) a great mum to us, and later, when we were teens and her career was really soaring, a fantastic inspiration to me.

Your friend sounds obnoxious. You may well change your mind after the baby arrives (I had fixed ideas of what I was going to do workwise and they were turned on their head once my first baby arrived)...but she didnt need to put it to you in such a rude, confrontational way.

You are not being unreasonable to want to work full time, and your friend was obviously like a dog with a bone. But, she is entitled to an opinion different that yours. And While, if I were your friend I would not question your decisions to heavily, I would have a conversation with you about my own experiences, depending on how close a friend you were.

My DM was a single mother to 4 of us. I remember her walking past my school gates at break time (in infant school) and me crying my heart out as I saw her walking to work as I knew I would be picked up by babysitter. I remember then going to a babysitters in the morning and being taken to school by that person, being with babysitter/friends after school until secondary school when I was given a key of my own.

I remember helping my mother out by cooking dinner for when she came in from work at 6pm and doing my own thing many weekends as she was too busy tidying/winding down from work. I am certain we did lots, but she was not rolling in money having to work hard (two jobs sometimes) to pay for us all, although as a teen it was just me and she had more money as she had developed her career. She did what she had to do, but I look back with strong memories of wishing she was there more. We were best friends as adults before she died, but I missed her as a child. I understood/understand she did what she had to do to support us as a family, but it still makes me sad now that she was not there when I finished school etc.

I now work part time. It is important that i earn my own money, but it is not the most important part of my life. When my children are adults Iw ill have plenty of time to continue my career, and working part time keeps my hand in, but I will not have my children wishing I was there when they needed me. DH and I worked our hours out so 4 days a week he drops them at school/pre-school and I collect them, and one day I do drop off and collection. One of us is always there for an event, if we cannot both be there. I hope this continues to be possible and will work hard to make this so. I can live without the big house, foreign holidays and surge in career for the time being.

Your friend is being unreasonable not to drop it when you have made your view clear, but you are being unreasonable to expect everyone to understand your decision, including your friend.

My mum worked full time from when I was 5 - this was at a time when it was less common than it is now. I had a happy childhood, always felt loved and now have a very close relationship with my mum.

Your friend is talking rubbish.

My mum was a sahm by the time I arrived, not really by choice. She wasn't a particularly happy sahm and ended up with her siblings' problems on her shoulders too, and caring for both her elderly parents.
So there's two misconceptions blown apart - being at home full time does not necessarily make a mum happy, and having four siblings does not mean you'll 'have support' when your parents are old, ill and pass away.

I'm a WOHM, it's not financially necessary but staying home full time is not good for my mental health. I'm like my own mum that way.

I'd limit contact with your so-called friend.