To ask for your support if you were brought up by a working mother

[BumpNGrind]

This isn't about creating an argument about what's better-being a mother who works vs a sahm

I am pregnant and last week met up with a friend. She was lovely about my pregnancy and really happy for me and DH, but she started asking about what I was going to do afterwards with regards to work. She seemed really put out that I intend to work at least four days if not five, and convinced that I should and would change my mind. She accused me of only being a weekend mother.

I wasn't expecting this and just kind of shrugged it off, but I got quite upset afterwards. I was brought up by working parents, and don't feel that my parents were there part time, or that they loved me any less because of the choices they made. WIBU to suppose that there may be others who have positive experiences of being brought up by working parents? Please share if so.

Both of my parents worked full time for as long as I can remember. They were teachers though, so we got to catch up on spending loads of time together to make up for the hours that they would put in before and after tea time finishing off school work. Although when I was a teenager, we'd all sit around the dining table after we'd cleared tea away and do communal homework. It was quite cute really.

I now work full time, and I have a 3yo DD. In fact, I'm the main breadwinner. Me and DH get home every day at 6pm, having picked her up from various childcare arrangements (mix of nursery and family), and I still manage to cook tea from scratch, we eat at the table to catch up on each of our days, and have time for a snuggle on the sofa before DD goes to bed shortly after 7.

As a pp has said, being a WOHM doesn't mean your child is an orphan during the week - she still has both parents, plus a solid extended network of family and keyworkers at nursery to support her during working hours.

Do I wish I could give up work? Sure! I'd love to be rich enough to choose that. But not because I'm a mother...

This is an awesome and very encouraging/supportive thread but can we ditch the anti-SAHP stuff? Being a SAHP does not mean that you are failing to instil a good work ethic in your children, nor does it mean that you are automatically bored/unfulfilled or pampered. Sometimes (when finances allow) having a parent SAH is logistically the best option for a family. My husband works long hours, travels and has a great salary which means me SAHM works for us because I'm available for pick-up/drop-off/sick days/holidays (my kids finish school at 2:35), I enjoy doing all the domestic stuff and enjoy the feeling of achievement after I've cleaned the house/filled the freezer/done the garden etc, I'm okay with being alone (kids are at school now), I have a good imagination and a thirst for knowledge so never feel bored AND I have time for my running and my dog and volunteering. Also DH is really hands on when he's at home and family finances are OURS so I never feel resentful or put-upon or financially oppressed. Saying that SAHPS don't instil a good work ethic is crummy...with three children, home and pets I'm always doing something . It's just in a slower paced and more relaxed fashion than when I used to work too, and I have a bit of extra time for pursuing my own interests .

My mum went back to work when I was five months, and I was looked after by my grandparents and dad, who worked shifts. My mother and I have a great relationship now, but I was always much closer to my father when I was a child.

I think my situation has influenced my decision to be a SAHP, at least until my kids are in school.

My mum worked, full time, and I have and had nothing but immense pride in her. She earned the higher wage and was always very generous with it.
I had a year off after DD was born. I hope she will have learned something similar from me. I am now the higher earner with my new DH (not DDs dad) so I had a good role model in terms of challenging stereotypes and work ethic and taking responsibility.

Your friend was out of line. There's nothing wrong with being a 'weekend mum' anyway. I never saw my dad as a 'weekend dad' just because he worked full-time. We saw him at breakfast (he left at 8) and we saw him in the evenings (got home at 6).

My mum worked PT (every day but shorter hours) until I was in the last year of primary, then FT from then on. One of my clearest memories of primary is of her picking me up on the day she got her promotion which meant starting the FT job and being really happy for and proud of her because I knew it was something she really wanted.

Her working made no difference to our relationship whatsoever; we were and still are close and she was something of a role model/inspirarion to me in my own professional ambitions - she was the first woman in her organisation to make it to manager level in her particular department/field.

Meant to add, I developed really good relationships with my gran and aunts too, who did much of the holiday childcare while I was at school bar the two weeks in summer my parents took off, so it was win-win so far as I was concerned.

Do what you like. It's your life! Your DC will be absolutely fine whatever your decision. You could choose to raise them by remote control from your place of work, in an interactive pink (safety) glass pod with purple talking bunny rabbits attending to their daily needs, using strawberry muffin scented nappies and dressing them in language learning bonnets spun from the hair of fairies. What business is it of anyone else?
There are lots of people in the world who find the idea that a woman (or a man) should give up the means of financial independence to be a stay at home parent as bonkers as the above.
At the end of the day you do what's best for you. That will also be what's best for your family.
Anyone who try's to guilt trip you into following their lifestyle choices is not a good friend.
Chin up and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

My mum worked full-time throughout my childhood and also studied for a postgrad when I was in my early teens. I have a huge amount of respect for what she did and we are still very close now.

I'm from a long line of working mums and grew up in a time, a class and a neighbourhood where women that didn't have at least a part time job were regarded as a bit on the snooty side :)

Your friend sounds like a massive snob. Good luck with your work

So eyeroller, I get my children up every morning, feed them, get them ready, sort their bags then drop them off with a cuddle and a kiss each morning - only difference is its 45 minutes earlier than you probably do, and it's at breakfast club ... What's the difference (other than that 45 mins!). Then their dad picks them up from after school club where they've been for 1.5 hours maybe, racing around having a fab time with their friends ... They chatter to him about their day. He feeds them .. I come home and we cuddle in and they chat to me about their day and I tell them about mine. Between us we have NEVER missed a school event and juggle time so they still do ballet, football, swimming and have friends over for tea. Yeh, they have some days where they ask why I can't drop them off at school and pick them up every day ... But kids are like that. I honestly don't think my children have a terrible life because I work FT - they're both bright, sociable and happy kids.

Also, in answer to the actual question, my own Mum did a combination of both whilst I was young, and I honestly don't remember either having a more beneficial or detrimental impact on my life!

Thing is, she might well be right. Nobody knows how they will feel after this bundle of joy lands in their laps. Some return to work quickly. Some never. Some despair. Some turn earth mother. It's completely personal and random and frankly unplannable.

I guess she was saying very badly, wait. Don't make plans yet. See what happens. I don't disagree with that. Although you can argue about how she put it.

And how you feel at ten when mum/dad works has bugger all to do with how you might decide your baby can cope at a matter of months. And that's fine. Do what your family and you feel is right and works.

Both my parents worked full time when my siblings and i were young, my mum did drop down to a four day week when my brother was born but was still away from 8.30 till about 6, sometimes longer.

I've never felt hard done by or that my parents werent there, and you have to remember that once your child is 4 or 5 they will be away from home almost all day too for school.my parents still did loads with us, and never missed important school things etc. ignore your friend, do what you know works for you.

my mum went back to work full time when I was 6 months old. she didnt want to but didnt really have a choice. she was a single mum by the time I was two, and I think working full time was harder for her then it was for me!
I went to breakfast clubs and after school clubs, summer holiday schemes, where we did all sorts of fun things and I made so many friends, some I'm still in contact with now.

I know it was hard for her as she only got to take me to school on my birthday and we lived in a small one bed flat til I was 15 which as a teenager I hated and it that made her sad because she wanted to give me more. money was always a struggle but she always made the time we spent together fun and I have so many amazing memories of my childhood.

as I child (and even now!) I felt amazingly proud of her, looking after me, working hard, owning her own flat.

Please don't let your friend put you off doing what you think is right

It's such bull, lose the "friend" she's a bitch.

Working will not damage your child, no resident parent is a "weekend" parent.

I went back to work when dd was 6.5 months, she's now 10, doing well at school, polite, sociable, and we couldn't be closer. She also understand she gets the holidays, days out and experiences she does because we both work.

Consider 5 shorter days, rather than 4 longer ones if that's practical, i work 30 hours over 5 days and manage both ends of the school run the majority of the time.

My mother was a SAHM who has always regretted not having a career. She has been bored for decades now. Never any financial issues but she feels like she never fulfilled her potential. We definitely would have been fine with a working mother, my siblings are very independent and she could have had a stellar career (she was a trailing spouse in the oil industry so never got a shot) and I really, really wish she had the opportunity.

Sunny it's a little hard to believe that what she really wanted to say was "Don't make any decisions yet, see how you feel once the baby was here", but what came out was "You will and should change your mind, otherwise you'll be just a weekend mother"

You may indeed have meant "you might change your mind once the baby is here" and expressed it badly. And of course that might be true but "weekend mother" isn't kind and isn't true unless your child is boarding with someone else from midnight Sunday to Friday teatime!

I have been a working parent (four days a week but with a commute), I have been a SAHM and a part-time work from home mother. I have been single the whole time. Some situations were easier than others and some worked better for me at different ties than others and I find I tended to find a way to change things if they weren't working for either I or DS.

Never been a "weekend mother" though.

Really horrible thing for your friend to say!

I was brought up with both parents working full time, a LOT of time in childcare...

I think it was the way they handled it though that was the issue - my dad always felt very 'hands on' my mum, not so much and it did affect me.

On the other hand, I am now a mum and work four days, any less and I would go insane. I'm trying to learn from the mistakes my mum made but I don't think whether you work full time or not is necessary the be all and end all...

And the most important thing is a happy mum. I know if I was a stay at home mum I wouldn't be, so going to work is beneficial for both me and DS.

My mum worked PT when I was smaller and increased to FT towards the end of my primary school years. I am following that pattern, went back to work 60% of FT when DS was 7mo, increasing to 70% when he was 4 and 80% at 5. I never wished my mum didn't work and I am sure my DS would say the same, as long as you have some good childcare in place then it is all good.

My mum worked FT from when I was about 3.5, She had awful PND after me, and whilst it didn't return after she had my sister (I was almost 3), she's since said she went back to work to try and prevent it more tan anything, and that her 3.5 years at home were just dreadful for her. She loved us very much but found a life of housework, 'mum friends', toddler groups and suburbia was impossible for her. She didn't have some well paid high flying career life btw, just an office job in the civil service.

I actually liked her working FT. She was out before I got up, and Dad was far more laid back at the getting ready for school stuff (also worked FT as a teacher so did all holiday childcare too) than she was, so fewer arguments/stress. Mum would get back in at about 5.30 as tea was almost ready (Dad would prep it, Mum would finish it off and kids wash up). Once of an age where a childminder wasn't needed until 4.30ish, I noticed my friends' mums would be keeping a beady eye on who they walked home with, nagging them to hurry home, don't talk to so-and-so in the park... his Dad's trouble, you get the idea... I was trusted more and was better prepared for the world as a result maybe?

The best advantage of my mum working FT though was that we had a hell of a lot more disposable income than my peers' families. We could have managed, in those days, on my Dad's salary, though it would have been tight. But we had a much nicer house, eventually two cars, two package holidays a year plus weekend mini-breaks to educational places, nicer newer clothes - a good move in her case, and ours really.

I had to go back to work when DS1 was 7m old, I was the sole earner and exP had a new business which earned nothing yet. DS1 coped fine, he enjoyed PT nursery very much, ,and had fun with exp PT too. I felt very tirn as I loved my job, but was so so sad at being away from DS1 all day and missed him awfully at first. But - no choice other than homelessness and we all got used to it ok. I was made redundant before DS2 so am still at home with him at 21m. Like my mother, I realise that homemaking aint really for me, no matter how much I adore DS2. I also need the money as am now single parent!

My mother stayed home until youngest child was about 10. Have many happy memories of this. She went back pretty much full time when we were teenagers as it was the days of 15% interest rates and we were pretty skint. Both parents did nights sometimes which was a bit scary at times but they did what they had to.

I am just as close to my mum since/now she works although also glad she was a SAHM for the primary years too. However my mum was always clear where her priorities were which was with us. Most WM I know are the same, almost all the time they are not are work they spend with DC.Make the most of the holidays etc. I think that it what matters that you make the most of the available time with DC.

My Mum worked from home. She made clothes (both knitted and sewed) and did a K2 of ironing every day. She was there all the time but she wasn't really present. I found it quite confusing to be honest. I think I would have preferred if she'd gone OUT to work, it seemed much more "normal" ifswim.