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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....in telling MIL her fortune after one too many passive/aggressive sulks?

111 replies

Milmingebag · 17/04/2014 05:23

I have sent an email calling her on her behaviour. My DH is a spineless git who refuses to have a word even when he knows she is bang out of order.

Brief outline - she has stayed with us over a week. She came down to visit and when I asked my DH how long she was staying she said he didn't know. She seemed to have an aggrieved air about her from the off.
She has used a clipped tone, demanded to go to bed at 8.30pm and generally created a frowsy atmosphere by eye-rolling, giving one word answers and going off on huge moaning rants on other occasions about teaching/government/weather etc. ESP when you are trying to watch something. She has this habit of talking over me too.

On the second day of her visit she announced she was following a 'paleo' plan although she was still having bread/pasta/pots etc . I asked her if she could give me any idea of what she would like me to cook and she said she would have what we were having. So I tried to think around it. I cooked a huge spag Bol but let her do her pasta, cooked salmon,three bird roast, fried breakfast and did a huge spread with cheeses,nuts,meats,olives etc that would accommodate her latest food enthusiasm.

When she left she pointedly said goodbye to everyone but me. I stuck my head out the door and said 'er goodbye then' and she just turned and got into the car rude cah. Now we hadn't had words and this was weird given how much time and effort I had put into making her comfortable.

My DH has just returned from her house after working on her garden for a couple of days with my eldest son. Before they left she told him that she had told me that she had particular dietary requirements and that I had fed her the opposite of everything she had outlined to me. He told her perhaps I was confused and had thought the opposite which he knows is bullshit as he knows what we have been eating. I am really pissed off with him.

I am fuming and have just emailed her outlining all the thought that went into meeting her requirements with little notice. I have probably created a bit of a shit storm but she is routinely sulky and prone to creating atmospheres and after a week of her shit I just have reached
my limit. AIBU?

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 17/04/2014 05:54

No. You're not.

neiljames77 · 17/04/2014 06:21

I wouldn't cook another scrap of food for her. When she asks why you haven't made her anything, tell her there's no point, she'd only moan about it anyway. Say there's a pot noodle in the cupboard, if she doesn't like it, write to Golden Wonder.

RedFocus · 17/04/2014 06:28

Lol @ Neil hehe excellent!
Mmmmm pot noodle yum Wink

pricklyPea · 17/04/2014 06:35

Nope yanbu

I did exactly this with my delightful mil when she emailed me in response to my dh calling her on her shitty behaviour.

She never replied. Obviously. Has played the martyr ever since even though it was her initial behaviour and email that was the offensive start of it all.

Who cares if it causes a shit storm. Just be prepared for dramatic hurt feelings and amnesia surrounding her shitty behaviour. But once you realise you don't care it becomes easier.

Your dh needs to stop her crappy behaviour and stick up for you btw

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 17/04/2014 07:10

why doesn't your 'd'h bloody cook for her then, ungrateful arse.

Deathraystare · 17/04/2014 07:17

Most normal people would have got in touch before they came just to confirm about their diet and would ask if they need to bring something. At that stage they would say what they would like to eat.

I bet she does not follow the diet at home!!!

Oh and hubbie needs to grow a pair quick. Also, he can cook for the lovely woman from now on!!!

Thattimeofyearagain · 17/04/2014 07:18

YANBU at all.

Lilaclily · 17/04/2014 07:21

Not sure an email was the way to go but I'd be very pissed off with your dh if he didn't stick up for you

Aussiemum78 · 17/04/2014 07:30

A fad diet is not a dietary requirement and you are not running a hotel!

A polite guest eats what everyone else does, contributes to the cooking and if they really want a massive change to the menu, go buy and cook it for everyone.

Just tell her she's not to stay again if she's going to complain.

ithoughtofitfirst · 17/04/2014 07:57

Really reminds me of my MIL. You are brave but not unreasonable.

diddl · 17/04/2014 08:02

She sounds rude but why did you try to accomodate her when she said that she would have what you were having?

SanityClause · 17/04/2014 08:25

Before, when my PIL would come to stay, DH would suggest cooking things they would like, and I would make a big effort to do so. And MIL would always be rude about the food, although not to my face. She would complain to DH, and try to encourage the DC to join in her complaints.

So now, I cook food I know our family will like and will eat, so that if she doesn't like it, she looks odd, because she is the only person not clearing her plate. (I don't cook things I know she really won't like, I just don't pander to fussiness.)

My DH used to be a bit like yours, kowtowing to his mother, "for an easy life". I had to make it clear that his life was made less "easy" by upsetting me, than by upsetting her. He thought he could sit on the fence, and keep everyone happy. He came to realise that there are times when you can't, and you have to choose which person you are going to prioritise.

Walkacrossthesand · 17/04/2014 08:31

'I'm following a paleo diet but I'll have what you're having'? Confused Well, that doesn't make sense from the get-go! And then to moan to DH that you deliberately made unsuitable food - she's clearly one (stone-age) sandwich short of a picnic.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2014 08:49

I like emails because you can say exactly what you want in a concise and straightforward way, phone calls can get stressful and emotional.

I think you did the right thing seeing as she's breathtakingly rude, who cares about the shitstorm.

Hopefully it'll save you any future visits from her.

maddy68 · 17/04/2014 08:50

I don't know that I would have sent an email, I don't know why you let it go on for so long. I would have had it out with her while she was there and then moved on She is your husbands mum. You say he hasn't backed you up? Perhaps he doesn't think she's being as bad as you think she is. It can be difficult having anyone staying in your home.

LindyHemming · 17/04/2014 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5Foot5 · 17/04/2014 09:04

Euphemia that was my reaction so I just googled it and it seems you are not far out! It is supposed to be anything a caveman could have hunted or gathered is OK and everything else is out. So the MIL still eating pasta and bread is a bit nuts but she should have been OK with salmon and stuff.

OP I get the impression this is not a one-off. Is she usually a bit odd?

diddl · 17/04/2014 09:05

I presume your husband knows that she said that she would eat the same as everyone else?

So why didn't he just call her on it?

She sound like she is trying to cause trouble between the two of you.

Tells you she'll have the same as you, tells her son something different?

ENormaSnob · 17/04/2014 09:06

She is a rude ignorant twat.

And wouldn't be welcome again.

Dh could fuck off too with his spineless pathetic ways.

Blueandwhitelover · 17/04/2014 09:07

Good for you. I do think sometimes people need to be called out on their behaviour.

WooWooOwl · 17/04/2014 09:09

Sounds like you did the right thing.

hamptoncourt · 17/04/2014 09:10

I would refuse to entertain her in my home again.

And DH needs to back you up.

Topaz25 · 17/04/2014 09:12

Your DH is the problem here because he won't back you up but is perfectly happy to pass on her criticism. Give him a choice, either she doesn't stay again or he cooks when she does. You were reasonable but the risk of confronting her without his backup is that you look like the troublemaker because everyone else tolerates her behaviour. Does he really think it's acceptable that after all the effort you put in to accommodating her she didn't say thank you or even goodbye?

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2014 09:23

My only thought is why is everything these days 'discussed' by text or email?

Wouldn't it have been better to either have the discussion whilst she was with you or at least over the phone?

But certainly your DH isn't as involved in all this as he should be.

Thomyorke · 17/04/2014 09:33

Not to keen on your DH tell tales, if what she said was enough to make you angry then is should be enough for him to tell his DM she is out of order. Not keen on emails this should be treated as compromising you are doing more than your fair share by cooking and being accepting he should ensure his mother treats you with the same respect. If I was to email it would be to DH and not MIL.