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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....in telling MIL her fortune after one too many passive/aggressive sulks?

111 replies

Milmingebag · 17/04/2014 05:23

I have sent an email calling her on her behaviour. My DH is a spineless git who refuses to have a word even when he knows she is bang out of order.

Brief outline - she has stayed with us over a week. She came down to visit and when I asked my DH how long she was staying she said he didn't know. She seemed to have an aggrieved air about her from the off.
She has used a clipped tone, demanded to go to bed at 8.30pm and generally created a frowsy atmosphere by eye-rolling, giving one word answers and going off on huge moaning rants on other occasions about teaching/government/weather etc. ESP when you are trying to watch something. She has this habit of talking over me too.

On the second day of her visit she announced she was following a 'paleo' plan although she was still having bread/pasta/pots etc . I asked her if she could give me any idea of what she would like me to cook and she said she would have what we were having. So I tried to think around it. I cooked a huge spag Bol but let her do her pasta, cooked salmon,three bird roast, fried breakfast and did a huge spread with cheeses,nuts,meats,olives etc that would accommodate her latest food enthusiasm.

When she left she pointedly said goodbye to everyone but me. I stuck my head out the door and said 'er goodbye then' and she just turned and got into the car rude cah. Now we hadn't had words and this was weird given how much time and effort I had put into making her comfortable.

My DH has just returned from her house after working on her garden for a couple of days with my eldest son. Before they left she told him that she had told me that she had particular dietary requirements and that I had fed her the opposite of everything she had outlined to me. He told her perhaps I was confused and had thought the opposite which he knows is bullshit as he knows what we have been eating. I am really pissed off with him.

I am fuming and have just emailed her outlining all the thought that went into meeting her requirements with little notice. I have probably created a bit of a shit storm but she is routinely sulky and prone to creating atmospheres and after a week of her shit I just have reached
my limit. AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 17/04/2014 09:37

" he cooks when she does"

Make sure he shops as well, otherwise it'll be your fault that he has to cook what he does because you didn't buy the right stuff!

hamptoncourt · 17/04/2014 09:47

This isn't just about the food issue though is it?

It sounds like MIL was a bitch the whole time and only came to cause an atmosphere. No way would I have her back in my home after such a performance.

Meow75 · 17/04/2014 09:55

If the MiL has a tendency to "talk over" the OP, then e mail is definitely the way to deal with her. She can't interrupt but also won't be able to resist reading OP's full e mail because that's what she's like.

I wouldn't expect it to give her any super duper insight to her behaviour overnight, or even this millennium, but at least OP says her piece.

And, I agree with PP's. Ask your husband to stop passing on the horrible things she says about you unless he then tells you how he challenged her on it.

annielouisa · 17/04/2014 09:56

Not your fault she chose a diet she refused to follow and you should tell her that!! Paleo is about non agriculturally farmed and produced stuff so pasta and potatoes are not part of it. She was just trying to make life tough for you and then whine!

pictish · 17/04/2014 10:01

A fad diet is not a dietary requirement and you are not running a hotel!

Absolutely. Stick to your guns OP.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 10:06

Think your problem here is your dh not your barking mad mil.

MerryMarigold · 17/04/2014 10:09

I had someone come to stay who has very particular food requirements. I took her shopping on the first day (at her request) and she cooked every single one of her own meals - breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was a nice, cheap way to host. If your MIL is that into this diet, she should have done this. Sounds like she wants to pick holes.

Original poster
Milmingebag · 17/04/2014 10:33

Thank-you everyone. I know that when she picks it up and DH gets to hear of it he will give me grief for 'upsetting' her. I am furious with both of them.

Like most of these cases there is a long history of unreasonable bonkers behaviour that I have tried to sensitively tackle in the past but that hasn't worked.

One her her,er,strange quirks is she insists that all her presents are bought from an Amazon Wishlist or other such prescribed list. Failure to do so has resulted in a strange meltdowns/sulks about hating receiving presents, that the worry of getting presents keeps her awake for days ( which she let's you know about) and then discarding any unwanted ones in our home. I remember during the early days of our relationship being mortified that someone could behave like this and hurt when a watch I had bought her was left behind. At first I thought she had forgotten it but she told me that it wasn't on her list and that she didn't want itShock The facial hair trimmer she bought me one year certainly wasn't on mine.........

She is here every Christmas and the present weird always puts a damper on things. It's strange-you can't do a surprise.
I think she is a deeply odd person actually.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/04/2014 10:42

What rude behaviour. Whose idea was this visit? Perhaps from now on DH had better be chef on his parent's visits.

Anything DH repeats to you shake your head and don't comment beyond "Oh really/oh dear". Do not respond do not engage.

Next time she is visiting seize the chance for a mini break elsewhere for yourself. After all if you are so easily confused you might innocently pick the exact dates for a trip.

Why indulge their taste for drama?

pictish · 17/04/2014 10:42

She sounds ridiculous. Right well...it's fine. If the rest of her family want to dance to her tune that is up to them and they may, but none of them, especially your dh, have any business looking to you to do the same.
She is spoiled, selfish and an attention seekers, as well as a trouble maker who is rude to boot.

Nope!

YouTheCat · 17/04/2014 10:46

Why do you have her over for Christmas?

SelectAUserName · 17/04/2014 10:51

I wouldn't wait for her to tell your DH about the email. I'd tell him yourself, and make sure he knows exactly why you're pissed off with him as well as her, and what needs to change in the future.

pictish · 17/04/2014 10:54

Yes take some control back. You tell your dh about it, and be unabashed as well.

Original poster
Milmingebag · 17/04/2014 11:00

The Christmas thing has become the expectation and I have gone along with it for my DH as she lives on her own. My BIL lives in America (she has no other family) and DH couldn't abide the thought that she would be alone at Christmas so we have had her every year for days .

I have tried to be tolerant but this latest level of rudeness is such that I had to confront her or I would just fester.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 17/04/2014 11:03

I hate to think of someone on their own at Christmas but you need to lay down some expectations of how she needs to behave and then say she stays no longer than Boxing day.

Original poster
Milmingebag · 17/04/2014 11:07

DH and I had a 'discussion' last night. He knows exactly how I feel but is unwilling to 'create a fuss'. He actually started shouting at me saying she had frowsed at him as well during his gardening work and it wasn't personal.

I told him I was personally offended by her behaviour and wanted him to have a quiet word about the rudeness. He refused as he said the fallout would be horrible. So I have taken things into my own hands as it were and they can both fuck off if they don't like it.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 17/04/2014 11:12

Do you think she has become gradually worse, pushing the boundaries, as she has got away with this?

onlyfortonight · 17/04/2014 11:13

You've done they only reasonable thing, OP. the fallout would be horrible - he's been well trained, hasn't he! She needs to know where the boundaries are - and what the consequences of her behaviour will be if she continues. I would be stopping the Christmas visits at this point, lets face it, how much fun and enjoyment does she get from being professionally pissed-off? Better off at home I would think.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/04/2014 11:15

Dodging fallout is exhausting of itself you're right to challenge if DH is ready to throw you under the metaphorical bus every time MIL stamps her foot.

MyLatest · 17/04/2014 11:18

It sounds like you have just reached breaking point and snapped. She sounds selfish and ridiculous and it isn't good enough that your DH expects you to put up and shut up.

If he starts having a moan at you tell him that you gave him the chance to show that he cared about your feelings and if he isn't willing to defend you against HIS mother then you will defend yourself. Simples. (I am so happy that my MIL is normal and lovely. So happy.)

QueenofallIsee · 17/04/2014 11:18

Good for you OP, I applaud you. I think your husband has a lot to answer for in thinking that is OK for you to be treated with such breathtaking disregard.

Original poster
Milmingebag · 17/04/2014 11:19

When she went to America to visit her sister (who she hates) her BIL took her aside and told her that guests are like fish and that after three days they go off.

Imagine how pissed off you would have to be to say that to a guest.

She was outraged and is still dining out on that two years later.

I completely understand where he was coming from.

OP posts:
MyLatest · 17/04/2014 11:36

Well, at least you've given her more stories to dine out on. Except she'll be dining alone because no one will invite her round!

MerryMarigold · 17/04/2014 11:40

That's a classic, you gotta love the yanks!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/04/2014 12:27

I don't suppose you'd like to C&P the email you sent, on here, would you? It sounds like she needed a good bollocking, and you gave her one - and well done you for sticking up for yourself!